vacation time held hostage by my parents
 

My parents retired 5 years ago and moved 1000 miles away to Florida. My husband and I are only able to get away for one week of vacation per year and my parents expect us to spend that week with them. They live at least two hours from the nearest airport, beach, or attraction. They don't want us to leave their home and make us feel as though we're imposing by being there. They won't interact with our children. An example: after driving 20 hours they expected us to attend a neighbors party and then let us sleep only 2 hours before making us get up and acting as though we were sleeping in too late. We have to sleep in separate beds and they send the dog in to wake us if it is later than 7am.
Now they get mad if we want to go anywhere else on vacation.
Now to the question: Is there anyone else out there in this situation? How can we go on a different vacation without guilt or sneaking?

Just. Say. No.

Say, "Hi Mom and Dad, hubby, the kids and I are so excited about our upcoming trip to xyz. We'll be sure to send you a postcard".

Just tell them no. It's your vacation, and you're not a child. If they're mad about it, then they are being extremely unreasonable and selfish.

Maybe it's time for a frank talk with your parents. Not only do you need to tell them you're not coming, you need to tell them why.

I hate to say this but the reason you are being treated like children is you are acting like children. Act like adults and you will be surprised, they will treat you like adults.

Thanks for your reply. We tried that (we're going to xyz) and they invited themselves along. We had to cancel the trip and make excuses. We also tried going someplace and telling them after the fact. They "punished" us by not speaking to us for two months. They are very overbearing. It is hard to know the right thing to do.

They sound awful. If they're as bad as they sound, why feel anything other than relief at staying away from them.

Grandparents that don't interact with their grandchildren are soooo low on my list of people I can bear. Ditch 'em.

Or how about going to a beach in Florida for your vacation week, and sacrificing just a day and night to visit them?

Although you have a strong obligation to your parents, your duty to be a wife and mother for your family take precedent. You may feel bad in getting the cold shoulder, but eventually your parents will change if they want to be a part of your life.

To me, them not interacting with your children would be enough of a reason not to go (I missed that part on the first read through).

tuscanlifeedit: thanks for the response. the last time we went we decided to stand up for ourselves and take a day to go to the beach. When we returned the following evening, they were sitting in the dark waiting for us and made the rest of the trip horrible.

You are an adult. Your parents can't "punish" you. They cannot hold you "hostage". They cannot make your life miserable. They cannot take your power.

YOU ARE GIVING THEM POWER over your lives.

If you love your children, start modeling for your children an appropriate way to interact and manage an adult relationship with your parents.

You are causing harm to your children by allowing your parents who live 1000 miles away to control you as an adult. Believe me. You are damaging your children.

Grow up and be their parent - not your parents' child.

I don't understand this- if it's so bad, then why not just leave? If my parents were acting rudely to my husband (I don't have kids), then I would leave. You have a family, and allowing them to treat your immediate family like this isn't fair to your family members.

We also tried going someplace and telling them after the fact. They "punished" us by not speaking to us for two months.

__________________

Keep it up, it works when you act like adults. You can only be taken advantage of if you let happen.

stasville: well put. I think I really need to hear this. I can't tell you how therapeutic it is to be able to say all of this and have someone tell me what I know to be true. Thank you.

66mustang, I'd like to suggest that you and your husband schedule a couple of sessions with a family counselor who could "coach" you through this situation. I'm not saying you need heavy duty counseling. That would be impossible to evaluate here, but it sure seems as if you could use some life coaching to help you see what your responsibility is/isn't to your parents.

If you decide to do this, please don't choose a name from the phonebook. Ask a trusted friend, clergyperson, or your MD for a reference.

I'm glad you weren't offended. I will say it again...

If you love your children, start modeling for your children an appropriate way to interact and manage an adult relationship with your parents.

I could tell you horror stories. I won't. Give your children the best gift you can give them. Model for them appropriate way to deal with manipulative and possibly malicious parents. Set boundaries. Stand by your boundaries. No matter what, protect your children. No matter what, do NOT let your children see your parents treat you as a child. No matter what, do not let your children hear your anguish as you make the transition to a healthier approach. See a therapist. Talk to a friend. Discuss it with your husband behind closed doors, but no matter what...

If you love your children, start modeling for your children an appropriate way to interact and manage an adult relationship with your parents.

Two other options I can think of are these:

It sounds like you feel obligated to see them but you could stay in a nearby hotel or motel, plan some activities on your own, with your family, and then plan some time to be with your parents.

OR

Take your one week of vacation wherever you want without consulting with or telling your parents and then invite them to visit you for at week at your home some other time.

I agree with the others that you're allowing them to treat you badly but on the other hand, they are your parents and it sounds like you don't get a chance to visit with each other very often.

Depending on the situation, sometimes it's better not to visit one's parents. You can only do your best, but at some point if the relationship is still horribly toxic, you need to let go at least for a while.

66mustang

You are taking the advice given here like a real woman. I know that you will rise to this challenge.

I want to add that these people can't be good for your children. My son knew that his paternal grandparents were not treating him in the same loving manner as his other grandparents, and asked me, at four years old, "Mommy, why dont Grandma and Grandpa J. love me like Nunnie and Poppa C. do?"

Trust me without telling you the rest that this story has a tragic ending, and you DO NOT want to live with a memory like that.

Please take care of yourself, your husband and your children. Your toxic parents are causing harm to your family.

Is there money involved? I have a very close friend who has let the money in her family interfere with protecting herself from abuse by her parents. She is now in her mid 40s, and is stunted, hurt, and crippled by this relationship. She would be better off working at McDonald's than letting their money and the hold on her that they've created with it ruin her life.

I cannot imagine why you would feel guilty for refusing to visit people who treats you disrepectfully and are otherwise just totally unpleasant to visit.

The best thing to do is ignore them when they behave badly, otherwise you're encouraging them to continue...

I'm sorry, but your parents sound like a nightmare. They treat you like crap.

The solution to their antics when you visit is simple: don't visit them. If they complain, as I'm sure they will, tell them why. Don't give them excuses, just tell them straight up what you've already posted here. And dear God, don't invite them to your place. If it's that bad when you visit them, imagine how much worse it would be if they came to your home and you couldn't get them to leave. Yikes!

You can tell them beforehand about going on a different vacation, but I don't know why you'd give them details so they can "invite themselves along". A state or (large) geographic area is about as specific as I'd get in terms of telling them a location.

thank you to all for your replies.

Tuscanlifeedit: Although my parents would like to think holding the inheritence over our head is a motivator, it has no authority with us. We don't expect or want anything from them but respect.

I never thought of the lasting effect my relationship is having on my children. I will look into getting help in this. I think this problem is bothering me more than I realized.

Okay, let me just tell you that I am your youngest child and I spent my childhood watching my parents try to appease my grandmother. Nothing ever worked. I was 30 years old when I stood up to my grandmother and told her I would take her to her favorite baseball game - as long as she behaved herself. The minute she acted like a child, I was turning the car around and bringing her back home. I thought lightning would strike. She slammed the phone down. A few minutes later, the phone rang and she agreed to the conditions she had earlier protested. The horror stories I could tell you about what she did to me and my siblings as children would curl your toenails. Horrible things. My parents did not protect us.

My grandmother continued manipulating my parents until her death. She no longer even tried to manipulate my sister and me - because we set boundaries and stood by them. Quietly. Firmly. Without discussion. She could take it or leave it. She behaved.

My mother continued the pattern with her children and grandchildren. My brother moved his family 1000 miles away to protect his kids. I "divorced" myself from my parents for 5 years. My parents "behave" around us. My parents still yank my sister's chain. Her grandchildren are bewildered by their grandmother's behavior - but they have not been damaged by their manipulation and malice.

The cycle will only be broken when YOU break it.
The parents will behave only when you force them to.
Nothing will change unless you set new boundaries - and stand by them.

Please listen. Protect your children. Your parents do not "deserve" anything if they are acting inappropriately.

If you love your children, protect them.

66mustang:
I remember my late father-in-law had a saying: only bums and bad girls sleep late..
Well, after we were married a couple years(early twenties and liked to go out with friends on weekends), and on a visit to see them(stayed in my dh old b.r. in the basement), I got tired of his speech..

just because he got up at 5 a.m. for no reason(retired and out of old habits), and expected everyone to rise and shine and launch into a debate first thing before coffee..(and what a sight in his white tshirt and doughboy dunlop and beard shadow)..

One day I said to him yes, I'm a VERY bad girl and that's why "Johnny" married me! He nearly spit his dentures out. I loved that old Irish donkey to death, but shortly after that second visit, we found a charming home of our own..
Some families have that "fishbowl life" where they think kids are possessions, and forever at their beck and call.

It is a control issue. In my fil's case, his dad had ruled with an iron hand, I heard the stories for years..

You just have to put your needs first and respect yourself and your children enough to stand strong and let them see that you call the shots from here on out.

((F))Good luck and I wish your family many carefree and relaxing vacations from here on out, J.

weasel: you bring up a good point. I didn't want to get into this on this thread, but they don't ask or wait for an invitation. They just say "we are going to be at your house from x to y." They expect us to pick them up at the airport and give them a vehicle to use during their stay. They don't ask if it will inconvenience us in any way or if we happen to have other plans.

Obviously, there are some issues I have to deal with. It is good to hear from another viewpoint. Thank you.

If you're old enough to have your own kids, you're old enough to stand up for yourself. Of course, it won't be easy the first few times, but you cannot be bullied into living your life in a reasonable way (even if it is by your own flesh and blood).

So, you're not going to their place for vacation. Make your plans and notify your parents in a breezy way. When they inquire, give vague details (heck, I'd say lie, but I'll advocate behaving as well as you can) like "the West Coast".

Your parents are the ones who (a) moved so far away and (b) are RETIRED, so really, it's incumbent on them to visit you. I know their visits are difficult, too, so perhaps save up for a hotel for them, or set real, firm limits on when they can come and when they must leave. If they say "We're coming from X to Y", say "I'm sorry, I'd wished you'd asked first, we really have plans for most of that time. We'd be happy to try to get together for dinner, and we hope you're okay with a hotel."

Seriously, not all grandparents are saints, and a bad grandparent-parent relationship can poison the grandchildren against them.

It's great to have a good grandparent-grandchild relationship, but that assumes that the grandparents are reasonable people. Yours are currently proving themselves UNreasonable, so on to Plan B and do what's best for YOUR family, not them.

Is there really anyplace in Florida that is more than 2 hours away from a beach or airport?

gail: There really is a place like this in Florida if you figure in commute time due to heavy traffic for the time of year we were able to go. There is one beach an hour away but it is not very nice. The first time we visited it was closed because it was very polluted with bird droppings.

Again, I
want to thank every one for your replies to my question. I have wanted to post this question for over a year and last night after a couple of glasses of wine, I finally got up enough nerve to do it.

So, what's your decision? Where are you and YOUR family going on vacation next year. (PS - The "wrong" answer is Florida!)

starrsville, et al: Anyplace but Florida. Maybe Chicago? I thank you all for your advice and responses. Yes, this subject is a bit deep for a first posting and I assure you it is all real (unfortunately). I would give more detail but I don't want to bore you or give ourselves away too much.

The answer is very simple. Ask your parents to visit you.

Make it clear when will be convenient and how long the stay will be, what plans you have for them and that you hope they will be able to come see you and enjoy their grandchildren.

Also keep them updated on your own vacation plans - this year we're going to California - or camping with our friends the blots and their kids.

If you don;t do this NOW - your lives will never be your own. And we only go around once - don;t waste it on this nonsense.

And if that's how they act - I would consider not talking to them for two months a relief - not a punishment.

As the late, great Ann Landers said: Nobody can take advantage of you without your permission.

"We also tried going someplace and telling them after the fact. They "punished" us by not speaking to us for two months. "

It sounds like you were on the right track with this trategy.

This may not be easy but My suggestion is:

First either by explaining to them why you are doing this, either by Voice or Letter

Yes they will black out to make you GIVE
in

Well your love is proved!

Now make them prove their love, hold out till they GIVE in!

When you explain it have this in your explanation to them towards the end.

From the hold they have on you now this won't be easy, but you need to put you feet down and very solidly if you
don't want this to continue!!

Since everyone else is playing amateur psychologist, and I'm bored, I figured I'd add my 2 cents.

Unless I missed it, I don't see any mention of whether 66mustang has any siblings. If so, it would be interesting to know if they experience the same problems with the parents. Because if that's the case, you could all get together and try to present a united front. I'm a strong believer of the "strength in numbers" philosophy. And this way, you alone are not the "bad guy."

Of course, if you're an only child, all bets are off!

You may have to emotionally distance yourself from your parents and accept that your never going to have the kind of mature adult child/parent relationship you would like. At least you'd have better vacations, and that's something your own little family will appreciate, isn't it?

I agree that coaching/counseling is a good idea.

My husband and I spent the first 10 years of our marriage trying to appease his parents - and of course it got worse after we had kids. We jumped thru every hoop they set up and finally realized that no matter how high we jumped, it was not enough.

It took us 10 years - so you are ahead of our schedule. Finally, we just gave up. The first holiday we actually got the nerve to say "No, I think we will spend a quiet holiday at home this year" I thought they would have a stroke - they pulled all sorts of theatrics, tears, passive-aggressive tactics, but we held firm.

Surprise - they survived. Each time after that it got easier. We still saw them, but either on our terms or at least a level field instead of being treated like disobedient children who they then punished.

A word of warning to your husband - he will likely be the one they "blame" for this disobedient behavior. After a while, you can even joke about it between the 2 of you.

And if they visit you, repeat after me "We have made you a reservation in the lovely hotel downtown. We know you will be more comfortable there."

Get professional help. I was in a similar situation with a sibling. Like you, I was not able to say "no". The psychiatrist I saw literally saved my life. It was a lot of painful work for me, but I am free of that sibling today and a much happier person because of the work I did with that shrink. Hope things get better for you.

-Bill

66mustang~ to round this out, do you mind sharing the ages of your children, and your parents?

* do your folks have hobbies or interests which get them out into their community?

* do they have an active social life, and do they travel often?

* is their general health good?

I ask bacause of related family experience..my own in-laws had seven children and once retired, they both basically sat in their kitchen waiting for the phone to ring.. what was sad was that they both became very negative in their thinking from lack of mental or physical stimulation..

visiting meant hearing family gossip for lack of anything else to talk about.."rattling your chain" was my fil's favorite pasttime, and I was the only one who ever stood up to him, since the others had been conditioned for years to go along with him to pacify him.

He actually became quite fond of me for that, during times when we were alone, he would make references to his father and how hard he had been on his siblings growing up. That gave me insight to his shtick..


Retirement to them meant seeing what their parents had done, stay in the house and rock in your chair, read the Enquirer and wait.
When we visited from out of state, it was, to them, "our duty" to contact every other sibling as soon as we rolled into town. Never mind that we needed downtime from sixteen hour workdays for nine months straight, had to see doctors and dentists..it became a guilt trip that we quickly tired of after a year or two..

the one time we traveled to Hawaii with them was quite stressful, since they didn't see the point of doing separate activity.. my non- addictive personality was the only thing preventing me from not running down the beach nude and doing a primal scream that would have made Tarzan proud.

Although there are more good memories than not, you have to stand back and take a good look at what is not working. They aren't just parents. They have flaws like anyone else.

Or you can continue to visit them and drive them nuts. Tell them that two in a twin bed is fun, and that you will be on TLC with a new twist and a video.
Have your husband wander around sleepwalking, right into their room every night. Then he can crouch by the bed and meow in a high pitched yowl and start to paw the bedspread.Kidding.


They will be shocked once you finally say enough is enough, but will come around if their relationship with your children is important to them. Old patterns are hard to break, but I have a feeling you can do this!
Best wishes, J.

p.s. Please do not go on Dr. Phil.

Boy does this bring back repressed memories of my ex MIL. Before I met her my ex laughingly said "Don't pay any attention to my mother. She's crazy." He wasn't kidding. The family (he has two siblings) had developed coping skills of a sort. Now one is a sex addict, another has never been in a relationship and one is in a cult. I had not a clue how to deal with her and no support from him. My son at the age of two told her to "Leave my mommy alone. She can say anything she wants." This after a simple comment about something. How bad is it for a two year old to have to defend his mother! I decided she was too toxic for him and for me. Visits were limited and I stayed away.

I don't know how old your children are but please listen to the wonderful comments here and act on them. You must believe that you and your family deserve better and be strong enough to stick with it. I wish you the best.

I agree with those who in essence say, "Take a stand". Shouldn't your allegiance be with your husband and children first? I mean even the Bible says that you are to leave your parents and cleave to your spouse. If you're miserable catering to your parents every whim (and you're related to them) why do you choose to subject your husband and kids to their demands?

I hope you can now see that you're beating your head against a wall trying to win approval from parents who are incapable of giving you approval, no matter what you say or do.

I'm sure your parents are trying their best. It's time you recognized that their "best" is pretty crappy. You'll be doing you and your family a favor by giving up on trying to please them and instead focus on pleasing yourself and your family. Don't you and your family deserve that?

Seriously, with only one week vacation it is completely unfair to subject you, your husband and kids to this kind of "vacation". It's time to say, "Sorry mom and dad. I love you but we want to be alone on vacation this time. I hope you can understand". Then expect them NOT to understand. This way you won't be disappointed in their response.

I think the best theme running through this thread is the one about your children. What kind of example do you want to set for them? Do you think emotional blackmail teaches them the right idea about parents and families? What about THEIR vacation with THEIR parents? It's time to be the mater familia and stop this nonsense!