Trip Etiquette regarding cost sharing question.
 

I would like to invite a group to travel to NYC to celebrate a birthday. I would like to pay for 1 night hotel, dinner, a show and transportation. Transportation would entail driving 4 hours each way. The trip is to celebrate my DD's 13th birthday and the group would be us, 3 of her friends and their moms (who are all my friends). The trip would be my gift to my daughter. The trip would be more fun if we stayed 2 nights but the expense would be too much for me to handle alone.

Is it in bad taste to invite a group on a trip but not pay for the entire expense (ie the 2nd hotel night plus meals)? My gut tells me to just extend the invitation for what I can afford (1 hotel night etc) and not worry about whether the trip is long enough. Plus I don't want to make anyone feel obligated to take on an expense that they are not comfortable with. 2 of 3 families can easily afford any extra expense, for 1 it will be tougher.

I would love to hear everyone's opinion on how they would feel about receiving such an invitation. Which is worse, asking a group to drive a long distance and stay a short time or to stay longer but add to the cost?

Lay it out on the table and let them decide.

Your analysis is correct; I have noticed that Miss Manners doesn't have kind things to say about people who throw a party with the expectation that others will pay part of the cost or bring presents.

Could you afford a hotel one night in NYC and one night outside the city? Teenagers might find it fun to spend one night at a motel which has a pool. You could order pizza, or go to a fast food restaurant for dinner.

I think if you approached it by putting it the way you did in the post, "I want to plan a special bday for my daughter in NYC by having an overnight there with you, X, Y and their girls--would you be interested in going?"

If a close friend asked me this way, I wouldn't be offended. I'm sure you will be tactful so I say tell them what you're thinking about doing and see how they even feel about the idea.

How would you feel if 2 friends were up for going but the other one felt it too much of a strain/ Would you feel comfortable quietly offering to pick up their expenses for the 2nd night??

BTW, that sounds like such a great bday for your daughter. Wanna adopt a 13++++ year old??

If I were to receive the invitation, I'd be inclined to go if the deal included at least 2 nights stay. And I'd gladly pick up the transportation and the meal if you were paying for the hotel and the show. Maybe someone knows a suite hotel that would help you defray costs.

I think a four-hour drive two days in a row is too much to ask of someone, regardless of what prize awaits them at the other end.

I'm with GT on this. Let your friends know that you (and budget) would love to take everyone for one night but that if they would like to stay for a second then everyone can chip in.

And heck - you want to adopt another Mom?? I'm available!! Plus I'll chip in too!!

Thanks for your comments.

I've been thinking I could skip the show and use that money to pay for the extra night. I would still have room in the budget for admission to a few museums (which these girls would actually like - they are not your typical teenagers) plus there's other freebies like that Staten Island ferry. It still could be great fun.

We ran into a sort of similar situation here at work when one of our long-time colleagues/friends retired last year. We let her family in Scotland know that we were planning a party and invited them to come - as a surprise to the guest of honour. In addition to a day-long open house, which we paid for, we organized dinner at a nearby pub for her family and close friends. It seemed a bit crass to invite people and then point out that dinner would be at their own expense, but we were in no position to pay that tab, so we just said "We would love to be able to treat everyone, but that just isn't possible. Here is the price range for dinner; please join us, and if we win the lottery in the meantime, we will advise everyone." People took it in very good grace and we had a full house and a great time.

That would be an excellent compromise.

Actually two days in a row driving 4 hours is just too much for many people. You might not have had all "takers" on that schedule.

But you still will have to do like GO suggests, and put a lot of the detail on the table. That way there will be no misunderstandings or assumptions. Maybe someone else will make the "show"
suggestion. With polite enthusiasm, it's very possible.

Regardless you will all have a great time!

I don't know when you are planning the trip for, but you can get some really good deals on hotels in the city. You might try the Hotel Grand Union on E. 32nd St. A room there is about $125 a night.

Also check priceline and www.hotels.com for deals and comparisons of hotel amenities.

The Travel Inn on W 42nd St, has free parking is right off the west side highway and close to Times Square. There is also an outdoor pool. Last time I looked the rates were around $150 a night.

Hope this helps have a great time

I agree that I'll have to explain in detail what I am planning because inevitably it will involve some expense for each family even if its minimal.

I checked the Travel Inn and they appear to be booked for when we want to go but I'm going to call the hotel directly. We're going in Nov.

i think as long as you are very very clear upfront about what is paid for and what is not, what is the schedule, etc. it's fine.

I guess I am just old fashioned enough to believe that if you invite people to a party/dinner/hotel/show/Whatever YOU pay for it. Perhaps you should just take your daughter and the two of you "do the town" for 2 days instead of trying to take along friends, etc.

Anytime money comes into play trouble can be brewing and friendships can go down the drain fairly fast.

I would resent being asked to participate in a party (any kind) and then told "your share is $____. Not cool at all.

I personally would be hesitant in going for only one night if it took 4 hours to drive each way - that's a lot of travel time.

I think the best suggestion so far has been your own to not do the show, and use that money for the second night's cost. While seeing a show would be great, there are so many other things in NYC that you could do that are not as expensive.

Other than that, I also like the suggestion of doing it just with your daughter and yourself. Either way would make it memorable for your daughter - a special weekend with just the two of you, or a weekend "bash" with her friends.

She's very lucky to have her mother want to do something so special for her.

At the risk of sounding very old-fashioned and stodgy...you host, you pay.

While I think the idea is lovely, I can't help but wonder why you are considering such a lavish outing for a 13-year-old's birthday if it will cause financial hardship.

I have not read all of the posts but will respond. Stick to one overnight stay. One or two of them might not want to be away for two days and not want to pay for the extra day, and they might not want to tell you that they don't want the extra day because they're afraid to be seen as a money starved party pooper. Just getting three of your friends and their daughters to take a day away from home on a certain date for you is enough to ask.

Bennie,

I think your idea of hosting the outing and foregoing the theater is a great idea. There is so much to do in NYC that you could easily spend a busy week there without going to a Broadway so, and no show can match two days exploring the city.

Also, I think you are wise to take on this expense. Your DD and her friends will never forget the treat you provided.

Happy Trails

I like the idea of doing 2 nights and skipping the show in favor if free and/or inexpensive activities.

I'm in the Lori and xxxx camp (nice place, BTW). Asking people to pay is asking for trouble. There are a million reasons why. For instance:
1. If one can't afford it, imagine how that kid will feel when the other buddies get to go (and later talk about all the fun they had).
2. It's just not cool to host a party and ask people to pay, unless you're in college and broke.
3. It puts people in an awkward position. You're not just dealing with them; you're dealing with their kids. So no matter how sincere you seem, they'll feel strange if they say no.

There are other reasons, but that ought to be enough.

Thanks to all for your comments. I'm definately in the camp of "I am the host so I pay". And none of this will cause any real financial hardship - I just like to stick to a budget.

And as far as the lavish comment - its a very fair comment and I have concerns about this also. Not because of any possible financial hardship on my part, but because I don't want to set a tone for any of my daughters friends or classmates will feel compelled to compete with. I want to do something special for her as she didn't get to go on a trip I took earlier in the year with my younger daughter.

Maybe this is all too complicated and maybe I will just do the trip with just her. These comments are helping identify the pitfalls of extending such an invitation and I appreciate the candidness expressed here.

Bennnie, I like the way you think. Have fun. Happy Trails

Since you specifically asked how someone would feel about receiving such an invitation, let me point out somethings that havn't been mentioned yet.

Regardless of who is paying for what, an out-of-town invitation always carries the risk that it poses an inconvenience for the invitee. Maybe they can't get away that weekend. Maybe they have other social obligations. Maybe they have to work or have a work project that needs to be done on the weekend. Maybe they have younger children and/or pets that can't be left alone or need to be ferried to activities during that time. Maybe they have chores that need to be done during this time. Maybe they have a spouse who is not happy about being left alone for that long a period of time. Maybe the children have the same obligations, be it athletic, or academic, etc. and can't spare such a large chunk of time. Maybe . . . I think you get the idea.

Going to a party for an afternoon or an evening is one thing. Being away for two nights plus 8 hours of transportation is usually reserved for important family functions such as weddings (and even then some people will have problems with that). Now factor in that you're asking them to pay for a portion of the trip, and the fact that they're bound to feel they need to give a big birthday gift to compensate, as well as provide an equally lavish treat for their own children's birthdays, and you could have a very awkward situtation.

Of course, in re-reading this, I realize I'm starting to sound very negative, but I'm only trying to illustrate some possibilities you might not have realized. In the final analysis, you know your friends best, as well as their home and work situations, so you're in a much better position to judge the effect on them. You may already know that they'd be delighted to be invited on this type of trip, and that's great. I'm only trying to point out that sometimes people issue invitations and make the assumption that everyone else is delighted to drop their own plans to accommodate the party-giver.

And please understand that I truly think you are very sweet to want to want to do this for your daughter and her friends. But you did ask!!

Hi Bennie-- I was in the same position with my recent trip. My sister did not have this in her budget at all. I brought it up because I wanted to do it for my niece. My sister was decided that she could swing one night but the distance and the fact that I wanted to cram in as much as possible made me want to do two.

In the end, I just booked the 2nd night and told her it was on me and would be an early b-day gift for my niece.

This sounds like an excellent bday gift for your daughter. If you skip booking the show conventionally to stay a 2nd night, you could still try for playbill.com or TKTS discounts and if you skip the show altogether, I am sure you will still all have a wonderful time.

Judy24 - you have raised some excellent points. I'm glad that I have posted on this "anonymous" board before approaching my friends. I know you are not being negative - just honest.

I would love to do this trip with this group but maybe this isn't the way to do it.

Again - thanks to all for your comments.

bennnie, I'm glad you took my post the way it was intended. Sometimes it's hard to convey the tone of a conversation in writing. As you said, I was really just trying to be honest.

And since I saw the spelling police thread on on another post, let me step up and say that in my first paragraph it should have been "some things" and "haven't." Why is it that Fodors can manage to have all sorts of annoying advertising graphics, but can't figure out how to install spell check?!

Count me in the "old fashioned" group. Invite as many people to as many things as you can afford, and let it go at that. You host, you invite, you pay - with the exception of souveniers, shopping, etc.

And I feel the same way about presumptious brides who plan "destination weddings" - don't let me get myself started on that one.

Judy24 - Even with spell check I'd still screw things up LOL Advise or Advice, Affect or Effect, Chose or Choose... don't worry no one is being graded here.

Bennie--They are into museums??? Nice! Hope I get them when they hit the 8th grade!

If the mothers are your friends, just throw these ideas out to them. They will let you know what will work for them. If, on the other hand, you wanted to include girls whose mothers you do not already know, then I think you should issue the invitation as an all-expenses-paid offer, assuring the other mothers that you would take responsibility for everything.
My guess is that once you discuss this with your friends, they will want to make this trip and to contribute to expenses in some way, whether for theater tickets or some other aspect of a very special weekend for the 8 of you (at least that's how I would react to such a proposal from a friend).

Perhaps your original idea just needs to be scaled back a bit.

Most young teens have a special friend whose just a smidgen higher on the ladder than the other friends. It would reduce half the burden and still allow for a memorable birthday.

Sometimes youngsters bore easily and want to move on to other, greener pastures in a very short time. You would have a better handle on the event with a smaller group.

Bennnie- If you do decide to go, I sincerely hope you all have a wonderful time. However, I'm in XXX's camp. In my opinion, providing an all-expense paid trip to NYC for 8 people for a 13 year old child's party sounds outrageous.

What are you planning for her 16th, 18th and 21st birthday parties? What about HS graduation and college graduation? Will your child expect such lavish presents for all of the upcoming special occasions?

Are you going down the road toward AFFLUENZA with this child? When her stepchildren were fairly young, a dear friend of mine always tried to "one-up" the children's natural mother by buying expensive gifts and providing lavish birthday parties for the kids. After a while my friend realized that she wasn't doing the children any good. The kids simply started to expect great gifts and had trouble being happy with the simple things in life.

So sorry for the lecture, Bennnie... It's a pet peeve of mine.

Anyway, lecture over. My suggestion is if you really real the need to take your child to NYC for her birthday, just take the two of you. That way, you both can spend some time together without worrying about the financial burden of providing for 6 unrelated people.

having read your OP you seems that you to intend to take your DD and 3 of YOUR friends and their DD who are friends of your DD.

If the mother's of your DD's friends are friends of yours then I would suggest that you talk to them about your plan.

If you're not comfortable with this then I suggest you take DD and enjoy the fact that you have the time and money to book good seats for a show and a nice hotel.

Who are you trying to impress? Your DD or your/her friends?

I really do hope you have a wonderful time - It would be so nice to spend time together, just the 2 of you. Time passes by so quickly and in a few years she'll only go with you if you invite her friends and they think it's a 'cool' enough place for them to visit.

Go and spend time with your DD - the alternative sounds like you'll be the 'trip planner' and how much fun would that be for you and your DD

Bennie, is the choice between just DD or DD plus friends AND parents? I was wondering why the parents were included, and just assumed it was because they were all friends of yours -- but my experience is that each added person isn't double but quadruple the chaos both in planning and execution. Just imagine trying to get tables in restaurants for the 8 of you, never mind what would happen if your train/plane is cancelled.

I don't know you or your daughter, but let me suggest that this may be the last birthday until your DD's twenties when she'd be willing to spend time just with you, just the two of you -- so I'd recommend going for that and enjoying it. Plenty of time for the bigger event later on.

If she's just overcome with the desire to have peer along, can she possibly choose just 1? Otherwise, you could invite the 3 girls and tell the parents that you'll look after their girls (assuming you're up for that!), but you'd also welcome their company if they want to come along (at their own expense?).

bennnie

I like Kennedy3 just can not get my head around the fact that you would take 8 people, 6 who are not related to you to NYC for an all expense paid trip, even if it is no hardship to you to celebrate your 13 year old DD's birthday.

You need to answer your own question "how would you feel if your daughter received such an invitation". What type of parties have your DD's friends been given? When my children were growing up I always gave them parties that were similar to what all their friends were having.

I vote for you and your daughter to go to NYC and then have a celebration at home for her friends.

You have been very gracious with your posts back to the suggestions given and only you can decide what is best. You are obviously a very caring mother/person and concerned about how this invite would be perceived. You mentioned possible hardship on one of the friends to handle the extra expense of a second night.

Best wishes on whatever you decide to do and I'd like to see a follow up in November (dd'd birthday month) as to how it all worked out.

Sandy

I used to throw my niece's birthday parties for friends and my sister (her mom) did the family party. The "best birthday ever" was when we stayed in a local suite hotel with a few of her friends. Nothing that special - pizza, popcorn, cake and ice cream in the room, their choice of movie on the TV (with parental and aunt approval) and a swim in the indoor pool. Breakfast downstairs in the morning. Parents dropped off and picked up the kids. GREAT party for the kids and easy for us.

No way would I take the same group to NYC - with or without parents in tow.

I'd do a hotel party locally and then a trip to NYC with DD alone. AND, I'd "do it up right" while in NYC with daughter - go for the splurges.

The thought of traipsing through NYC with 6-8 and undercurrents of budget concerns makes me shudder!

Hi Bennie,

I think you live in the Boston area, so here's another suggestion. Sometimes we travel and there is something wonderful right in our own back yard.

You could plan a wonderful Boston experience. See what shows might be available in November. Take the girls to the Gardiner museum. Reserve for an elegant tea at the original Ritz or the 4 Seasons....such *sophistication* should please a new teen.

Take them to Finale for stupendous desserts.

And if budget allows, book a room at Hotel Commonwealth or Jury's, or someplace that will have a weekend special. Use the $ you save on gas and fill the room with balloons and have silly hats and streamers around :-)

Have a pajama party and let them order room service...all females love room service ;-) Rent an age appropriate *chick flick* and celebrate :-) !

Marion

Starrsville,

I was typing while you were posting :- !

Great minds and all that !

Marion

I would not include the other moms, maybe just take one or two special friends. That way you would only have to get one hotel room.

When my daughter turned 16 I took her and 3 friends to Waikiki for 2 nights (we lived on a neighbor island). The girls all had various airline coupons so they paid for their own flights or got them free. I got them their own hotel room and paid for all meals. They had a blast. It would not have been fun if all the moms came, in my opinion!

posting again, I am with Kennedy. But let me go back to a more simple time. What happened to an afternoon birthday party at your home? With the $1000+ expense for this trip to NYC you could have the best birthday party ever...at home. You would not be imposing on your friends' two day weekend plans and they would not have to spend money. Two days is asking a lot from them and their personal schedule.

Bennie, I don't like to say this but I think you need to hear it. I think you may be doing this whole NYC two day trip plan because it makes You feel good and you want to impress the other mothers and hang out with them. Am I right? Ya, I know I sound like Dr. Phil.

bennnie, you have gotten an opinion from just about every angle here. I think "what's affordable & normal?" means such different things to different people, depending on one's income level. I just know that my neighbors' kids spend more on their junior proms ... dresses, flowers, limo, dinners, hotel party, breakfast the next morning, yadda yadda ... than I did on my wedding! :p I've seen my own great nieces and nephews become so jaded by the time they graduate from high school ... Whatever you give them is NOTHING to them; they've been given so much already! I don't know if this is right or wrong ... I guess people just have so much more disposable income now! Good luck with your decision, bennnie! I'm sure your DD's birthday will be wonderful fun, whatever you do.