vickib2,

I don't mean to make light of your situation, but I have to say I have truly enjoyed reading everyone's response. This IS better than Oprah and Dr. Phil. Though I have to say I feel sorry for the one male who wrote about his spinster SIL, I think he was just trying to help and not offend anyone. I'm all for women and their power but I still enjoy a male around. Hopefully, all this advice will open a new door to your marriage and what you want. May the force be with you grasshopper.

In defense of the male poster and his 'spinster' SIL who is all of 40 :-D

I have many friends my age (early 40's) who haven't been married, are in a serious relationship but don't intend to get married or have been married, have divorced and aren't in too much of a hurry to marry again.

This must confuse men who think that women are desperate to be part of a relationship - isn't that our mission in life? To find a man and trap him into marriage?

What about these women in bars having a few drinks with their friends - Gosh! you mean they're not there to meet men????

As a woman - I would be offended if I thought my friends were only using me to visit bars/restaurants and meet men - luckily my friends socialise with their girlfriends because they like their company

The fact that these women are 'stong' enough to cope without a man is a testament to them and the fact that they are holding out for Mr Right and not settling for second best.

Alya - who has been married for nearly 24yrs and loves and admires all of her girlfriends whether they are married or not XXXXX

>> what if she gets mad and...<<

ABSOLUTELY not your problem in ANY way!

She can react in any way she chooses AND IT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM or your responsibility in any way. That's going to be the biggest adjustment for you to make. It is not your responsibility to make another adult (especially a SIL) "happy". Ever.

Do you think that she stopped, for even a split second, and wondered what your reaction to her announcement that she is driving the bigger SUV would be? The thought never occured to her. She's used to doing what she wants to do - and evidently is used to getting others to do what she wants to do.

No matter. Start doing what YOU want to do. You are an adult. You deserve it.

This next statement is not made lightly. This will be one of the biggest gifts you EVER give your daughter. If you start modeling the behavior, she will benefit immensely from it for the rest of her life.

Hey Vicki, If she decides not to go, than you can be free of her all weekend! This could be a positive! After all, you are the mother of the groom? This is what I thought you said. What is she...the Aunt of the groom? Who cares!!! This is your future daughter in laws event. You will want to be with the bride's mom to chat about the wedding. You don't need "big mouth" butting in with all of her advice.
Look, be strong!! You have won with your husband. He is the only one you have to live with (or not?). I would be tactful, but very definite about what you planned to do. Don't let someone push you around... EVER!!! You are 53(?) Be who you want to be and do what you want to do! Life is too short. Besides, everyone here is right. This is a model for your daughter. You want her to marry a man who will treat her with respect and his family will know they must respect her too.
Good luck and God Bless. I would call her and get this over with right away!! Face to face will be harder for you if she is the pushy type. A phone call or email will end it with you getting the last word.

Vicki, there is an assertiveness technique called "broken record" you may find very helpful. This is the technique:

Think of yourself as a broken record, and just keep repeating the same phrase over and over again. Regardless of what SIL says, you repeat variations of the same phrase. For example

YOU: I've decided to drive myself.

SIL: But you're making things difficult ....

YOU: I am going to drive.

SIL: But I am also going to drive, and there is no reason for us both to drive.

YOU: I'm going to drive.

SIL: But why do you want to drive? You're causing problems.

YOU: Because I want to. I'm going to drive.

SIL: BUT ... (something to make you feel bad)

YOU: I'm going to drive.

SIL: BUT (more arguing)

You: I'm going to drive.

Eventually SIL will give up.

That's a good technique from Joyce. I know from personal experience that it works. You could also add a few niceties to make yourself sound gracious and maybe let her save some face (family politics can get very touchy).

"That's so thoughtful of you, but I'll stick with the original plan."

"I appreciate the offer, but I'll drive my own car."

Here's another technique: Once you've clearly stated your intention, don't continue the discussion. If she asks questions or tries to change your mind, just change the subject. Just because someone asks you a question doesn't mean you have to answer it.

Try to keep in mind that sometimes it's difficult for an assertive person to understand someone who goes along to get along. SIL may think she's doing you a favor. It can get frustrating when you can't figure out what someone really wants because they won't say so. She might be relieved just to get the plan straightened out.

Good luck.

Vicki, this isn't negative news so don't look at it this way.

You are just informing her you are driving yourself.

E-mail her and be done. The less of an issue you make of it the less she will.

vickib2--i hope you take that trip on your own! what a great opportunity to just get in your car, drive, and stop wherever YOU want!

just wanted to offer another suggestion on the job search...try a hospital or other healthcare setting.. baltimore has a lot of options, and hospitals are great places to work since they usually offer benefits to part time employees, and of course they are very adaptable to anyone with physical impairments. i have been working in a local hospital for the past 7 years because of the flexible hours, great benefits, and the wonderful co-workers i have met!

Well, I emailed my SIL yesterday afternoon telling her that I was going to be staying in a different hotel when we go to Tennessee, and then added "I think I will go ahead and drive, as I had originally planned. You both are welcomed to ride with us if you like but I really prefer to drive."

I've had no response at all from her.
Yikes!

Vicki
p.s. my job interview went well but no actual offer yet.

congratulations (seriously)
;-)

Congrats on the interview and the email!

One last thing... DO NOT repeat your offer for her and her sullen daughter to ride with you! Remember, you don't want to travel with them at all... even if you're driving! You, my dear friend are "having a nice drive with your daughter and you may (or may not) spend an extra night... your plans are not concrete and you'd like to be able to decide at the last minute. It would really be best if she plans on driving her own vehicle and you'll see her there!"

Enjoy your newly found freedom to take control!

I have a feeling this is going to cross over to other aspects of your relationships!

Congratulations!

Congratulations! Woohoo, that's the way to go!

No reply to your email is just perfect ....if you do get one don't rush to reply, carefully consider your response and keep your options open. (I like moneygirl's idea!)

I have been following your thread for a few days and just wanted to give you a great big "Attagirl!". Proud of you!

Diane
P.S. You aren't the only one who had to pee beside the road as a child. With a bladder the size of a grain of rice, I learned at an early age to open both doors, sit on the door sill and pray that there were no big trucks coming by. :)

Good for you!

If she ignores your offer, ignore her ignoring if you follow what I'm saying.

If she sulks, ignore.

Have the wonderful time I know you will!

edhodge - regarding peeing on side of road. Travel was far different when I was a kid - there was not a fast food place every few miles for bathroom use.

Yayyyyy! I think you handled it in a very classy way. Can't wait to hear how the trip goes.

Vicki, you've received so much good advice from the nice folks here that there is nothing I can add. I applaud you for taking this step. I wish I had been as brave.

I grew up in a very large family -- I have 7 brothers and sisters -- and I am next to the youngest. I was bullied about all my life by my older brother and sisters. Not in a mean way, exactly, but in a way that made me feel that EVERYONE else's idea had to be much better than mine and I deferred to them in all things. And to make it worse, we all lived close together on parcels of the family "homeplace," with me and my husband and children living IN the homeplace. Believe me when I say that I have been given more advice than anyone should be forced to accept.

Now that I am 50, I have learned the fine art of saying no, the hard way. Sometimes they get huffy. I hate it for them, but they'll get over it eventually. A couple of times, they were highly offended and didn't speak to me for months. This wasn't so bad, actually. :)

I'm glad you're driving. Some of the most wonderful conversations I have had with my daughters have been on road trips back and forth to their college towns. Enjoy this time and stop every 15 minutes if you want. YOU are in control.

Good for you.

Its funny the spinster thing. I'm 41 and not married, no children and don't want to do either. Anyone who is secure with their own company is alright with me. Its 2006 people not 1955 women don't need financial security anymore - we make our own money.

Do NOT invite her along again or mention anything to that nature. None of the rest of us on this board would have invited her even once. And its not because we aren't nice people. We just don't worry as much about what other people think as you do and like to avoid misery when possible. Come on girl! You can do it!

You have such a great opportunity to enjoy a road trip with your daughter.
Do a little research and find some fun place to stop midway for a night going both ways. Get books on tape at the library to take with you if you think you two might need some breaks for chatting.

So many of us have been in your shoes (depression, questioning our self worth) at some point in time because of life experiences. Don't feel weak or "less than" because of your current feelings or situation.

I grew up a very independent & assertive. I was successful in college and in my work. Then I chose to stay home with my children for 7 years and it really took a toll on my self esteem. The interactions with working women, the new roles in a marriage when one is the sole breadwinner, the lack of adult conversation, the feelings of being unproductive... Even for me it was hard and nothing is hard for me!

You are getting such great advice here and I am soooooo happy for you that there are classes and job opportunities nearby for you to explore. Keep us posted on the travel drama!