Vicki, I mapquested (is that a verb now?) a route from Baltimore to Nashville - just for reference. If you haven't driven that route before, considering a detour through Front Royal and driving for a bit on the Shenadoah National Park on Skyline Drive - or other parts of the Blue Ridge Parkway. Sullen niece sure wouldn't like that! :-) Or, perhaps, plan an Easter sunrise service somewhere. Ditto on early mornings. Or, a stop over to check out the antique shops somewhere. In other words, if you wanted a reason why you wanted to drive yourself, you can find things that the other party would not be interested in - and it would create a more scenic and enjoyable trip for you!

Just say "no"... seriously. There's no reason to let people push you around or manipulate you (which is what is happening here). The more you practice this, in all areas of your life, the easier it will become. I guarantee you, this WILL help your attitude.

I tend to do my own thing and wouldn't think twice about driving by myself--especially if people who cause me anxiety at any level are involved. Long story short--this November, instead of hitching a ride with family members to the beach, I will rent a car and drive myself there. You have the right to say no and not feel guilty about it. Best wishes to you.

Vicki,
As one people pleaser to another, I understand exactly where you are coming from. So often the decision I have to make is this: Is standing up for myself and offending someone going to make me feel better or worse than just going along with what they want to do? In other words, is it worth it?

I think you really know it is worth it this time. And I am sure all the support you have gotten here has helped a lot!

You already know you will be miserable if you make that trip with your SIL and niece. But I am guessing you probably need to have a "good enough" reason not to ride with them that you don't feel bad (guilty) about your decision. No one should feel bad about that type of decision, and in actuality you don't need any reason at all, but you are a people pleaser, so for you, you are going to feel better if you can justify your decision, in your own mind.

I can already see you doing that with the thought of visiting other relatives. Good for you. Just make sure SIL and niece won't decide that they might like to visit the other relatives as well.

And, one other thing, you will probably feel better if you can work this out without telling them a lie.

OK for all you appropriately assertive people, you will not even be able to relate to this! But I suspect Vicki will.

Hi vikib, you have received some valuable thoughts here. Depression! After I lost my husband I managed alright for awhile and than became a bit depressed, something I had not had to deal with before.

Thought the depression was normal due to losing my husband. Suddenly, one evening after a long phone call with a family member I sat down and cried. And then the realization hit me that now that I was on my own I had become a wimp so to speak. I was letting everyone tell me "what I should do, what was best for me" etc. I was no longer in charge of my own life. And I hadn't said "no" to anyone as I didn't want to upset them as they too were missing my husband. But in trying to be a "people pleaser" I was not pleasing a very important person..ME.

Thanks to a poster here on Fodors who I had become close to I told my dear family members I was flying across country to spend a week with her and consequently would not be visiting any of them in that time frame. Stunned silence, LOL.

I had the most beautiful week and also found myself finding the real "me" again. I always try to be kind, wellmannered etc. But I realized that giving in to everyone elses wishes when those wishes went against what I needed or wanted was practically destroying my life.

Dear one, take that car trip that you originally planned. I agree with many here, you do not need to offer any excuses, phoney or otherwise. Just the fact that you need and want to drive yourself to this family event is all the reason you need to justify this to yourself. I also agree with NYTraveller and Starrsvile that suggested you merely say "No thank you" etc. No excuses to these relatives are necessary at all.

And you have some fun ideas if you have the time to make this trip extra enjoyable.

P.S. Your thread with all the great comments has helped remind me once again that we all must be our own best friend. Best wishes to you and have a lovely trip.

What a lovely reply, LoveItaly.

When I read "take that roadtrip you had originally planned" I thought "yes! I CAN still take that roadtrip!" And maybe I will. I still need to think about this. Of course, my husband will say "it is ridiculous to drive our car when you can ride with my sister!"

I am indeed a people pleaser, as is my poor daughter. But, I also have tremendous feeings of powerlessness and inferiority. I am 53, significantly hard of hearing, and my husband has moved us to Baltimore for his job. I had to give up my job in Atlanta and have had no luck in finding another one, as I feared would be the case. There is not much demand for a 53-year-old, hearing impaired woman! Therefore, I make no money and am not even a particularly good housewife, so I really don't contribute much. And I really DO feel that other people probably know better than I what is the "right" thing to do.

AKK. I didn't mean to get into so much psychobabble. I realize that I have many issues and this isn't really the place to discuss them. Sorry! (And, Starrsville, you did NOT offend me. : )

Again, thanks for all the replies. Your responses have truly amazed me. I particularly liked the poster who said "no company is better than bad company." : )
Vicki

If you want to hear about a nightmare road trip (times 5), check this thread out. It's hilarious.
http://fodors.com/forums/threadselec...p;tid=34698212

Vickib, reading your post I believe you contribute a lot more to other peoples lives than you ever realize.

About your dear daughter. This is a good chance for you to show her what a strong and independant mother she has..one that makes her own decisions.

And you make me want to cry, as although she does not have a hearing problem I have a beautiful family member who feels as you do. She does not have a job outside of the house. She consequently feels that everything in the house from housework, cooking, laundry, gardening etc. must be perfect. Which is not true of course. Like you she has no idea what she contributes to this world and so many peoples lives.

Regarding what you "think" your husband will say..don't assume. I would hope he would want you to have a safe trip and also a relaxing one. If you feel it would have a possibility of working do sit down with him (maybe go to a cafe or something to get away from the distractions that most homes have) and explain to him what you have told us. You might be pleasantly surprise, at least I hope so.

And for a giggle or two do read the post that MelissaH supplied.

Vicki, if you've already gone down this road (metaphorical travel!) I apologize, but I mention it since you're in Baltimore. You are very near Gallaudet University which has tremendous resources for deaf and hard of hearing people. Some info from their website that you may find useful: http://clerccenter.gallaudet.edu/InfoToGo/132.html

vickib2,

i know your recent history had probably caused you to say all those negative things about yourself but don't be sou down on yourself. Think you're 53 and have been a good wife, a reat mother, and up until you were moved to Baltimore, a good memeber of the work force! You may not find a job yet, but you will! Noone knows you better than yourself so noone knows better what's good for you than you. OK?

I'm with the others. Say "Tahnk you for the offer of the ride but I think I prefer to drive myself this time, maybe another time."

You know, you never know but maybe taking some time off for yourself and standing up to what you want will change all this negative self image you have of yourself and look out world!!!

Vicki,
Your value as a human being has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you have a hearing impairment or the fact that you do not work outside the home. You are valuable. Just the way you are. (I feel like Mr. Rogers!) But I really mean that. You are obviously a kind, loving and considerate woman. I am sure you have a lot to offer. Believe in yourself!

Regarding your husband, surely he has been around your niece enough to know what she is like. He may understand better than you think he will. Also, I don't think you would be particularly safe riding in a car with her as the driver. She sounds like an accident waiting to happen.

Find a way to stand up for yourself. It will be a great accomplishment and as LoveItaly said, you will be setting a great example for your daughter. You can do this.

Hi Vicki,
I want to encourage you to move on with your life... no offense but I wish to point our a few things.
Relocation-be thankful there was an opportunity to relocate and it was not the loss of a job.
Age and hearing loss-I am hearing impaired and older. These are not acceptable issues in the workplace-if otherwise qualified, can not be used against you. I didn't join the work force until my late 40's and by then wearing hearing aids. Since then I have voluntarily changed employers twice.
Did you check for unemployment compensation? Could you be eligible if you had to give up your job to move because of your spouses' job? Check it out.
Housekeeping- Remember, housework done correctly can kill you ...so do only enough to get by. ;-)
Don't let anybody (including hubby) talk you into doing something that you really do not wish to do.
All the best...

Vicki- As everyone above has said..."no thank you" is the perfect answer to an "offer" like your SIL made (and I notice the "she didn't ask, she just said "I'll drive". She is assertive!).

That said, at this point you may be feeling like you want to offer some excuse since now the plan is "set" and to keep peace in the family.

If this is the case, just say, "I'm sorry, but I have some friends I want to see along the way". If they push to go along with you just say, "I'm sorry, but I really want to spend some time alone with them". After that, no matter what they say, just keep saying things like "Its really nice of you to offer, and "Thanks so much, but I'll meet you at the party".

If by chance you end up taking someone else, don't apologise. Just murmur something like " my plans changed unexpectedly".

Sort of a compromise between wimping out and being totally assertive. These changes in attitude can take time, but trust me, it gets easier each time you do it!! Next time when something like this happens, you can also try the "hmmm, I'll let you know" answer to give you some time to get the courage to say "No, thanks".

Have fun!! And come back and let us know how it went!!

Dsquared already touched on this, but it bears repeating. Living in Baltimore, you're very close to Gallaudet. Maryland itself has a long history of a strong deaf community. In that way, you're lucky to live in that area, because there are many resources you can access. I don't know if your hearing impairment is recent or lifelong, or if you know any ASL, but there should be something in the area that can help you find employment. The ADA requires employers to make reasonable accomodations for deaf and hearing impaired employees, and prohibits discrimination in the hiring process, so by all means, contact Gallaudet or another suitable agency for some employment ideas. They can at least help point you in the right direction.

The first time you just say "No thanks" without offering some lame excuse will be really hard - after that it gets a lot easier. I have listened as my mother makes up endless excuses why she can not do one thing or another - both to people she loves and those she can not stand. One "white lie" after another. Direct people would rather have the truth, and hopeless boors (as opposed to bores) will not even notice or care.

People like your SIL tend to prey on those they perceive as weaker - she pushes you around because she can. Once you grow a stronger spine, she will move on to other victims and you may even find that you can tolerate each other a little better.

If I had to make a 500 mile trip with my SIL, only one of us would arrive intact at the destination.

Gail, you're too funny.

Dsquared, thanks. I had not even thought about Galludet. I will check them out for job listings.

My hearing loss is a hereditary neurosensory loss that my mother also had. I first began to notice it in my early 30s and it has progressed to the "moderate to severe" level since that time. I wear two hearing aids. I do not know ASL.

Vicki

Vicki definitely go your own route! I agree with saying that you are visiting friends along the way. Do not go with them (or go and leave your hearing aids at home!!) just joking.
Go solo and have fun. Be strong and don't give in. You won't have any fun with them.
About being 53 and unemployed, I am a stay at home mom in my 40's , unemployed for quite some time now, and my house is usually messy. (Sorry, I don't live to clean :) I am too busy reading Fodors and dreaming of visiting exotic places or see where all of you are going this month!)
I feel blessed that I am able to be home with my kids.
Don't ever let anyone make you feel "less than" because you are at home. Every day, you contribute to the world. I don't think anyone realizes how much they touch someone else's life every day. Think more of yourself and if you are lonely and bored, volunteer!

vickie--
I didn't read all of the reponses but all you have to say is :"I'll drive myself" No reason necessary.

"We chose our friends, our relatives are thrust upon us."

:-B

Wow, what a great thread! No $25 books, no Dr. Phil, just great comments from women with experience. gail, I thought what you said was so good and so on target. vicki...I have nothing to add (I'm soaking up the suggestions :) ). Be strong and do this for yourself (and your daughter). Everything starts with just one step.

I agree that the "no thank you, I'll drive myself" approach is best, but if asked why, I would be honest and tell your SIL, that you don't care for your niece's driving. Why should you altar your values by lieing. Is there something wrong with being polite and honest? Am I missing something here? And if they have a problem with it, give them this website, I'm sure alot of the above would have words of wisdom for your niece and SIL. Whatever you do, I wish you the best of luck, and hope you have a wonderful weekend.