manners
 

hello, <BR>i am going to be visting the united states for the first time and i am not familiar with the manners of your culture. i will be with my husbands family and will be seeing them for the first time. they are very well known family in new england and are very "proper" i would very much like to fit in. please i would like any info. <BR>thank you <BR>amanda

Amanda-Tell us more about where you will be/what you'll be doing while with them....be more specific...

Hmm. Amanda's not familiar with our culture/manners but she doesn't post her e-mail address. Seems like she's pretty familiar with our manners already! <BR> If this is a serious post I agree with Randy, we need more specifics to help you.

Amanda, you've posed a good question. I'd suggest you simply be yourself. In a way it's ironic you, a stranger to our shores, should ask for our advice. So many who post here seem to be outside their own culture as well. Perhaps you will be kind enough to post what you found worked well for you. It may help one or two here. In advance, thank you.

why not ask your husband? ;-) people, this has t-r-o-l-l written all over it!

Any major bookstore has a section with a variety of books on etiquette and manners. You can even mind them on amazon.com.

well thank you to the ones who have given my queston interest. to "ohbrother" i did have many questions for my husband but he is a very busy man with his work. i will be staying in my inlaws' home in upper east side manhattan for awhile and then we are planning to go to their house in new hampshire. we might vist my brother inlaw's beach house on Martha's Vineyard aswell. as for what we will be doing, there will be many dinner parties i am told and then just socalizing and going out for dinner with relatives and friends. thank you <BR>( i apoligize for the spelling and wording, i am usually do not use the language.) <BR>thanks <BR>amanda

Uh, Amanda.... just sit there and look pretty.

Amanda, <BR>It would probably help to know where you are from and the basics of high society affairs there.

Amanda, "L" has the best of advice -- just be yourself. If your manners differ from ours, the in'laws will think it charming. If you spend too much time "trying to be correct" it will inhibit you. Hey, their son fell in love with you, and so will they. Welcome to USA. Enjoy. Marie

Hello Amanda, <BR> <BR>Given the fact that your mother & father-in-law live on the Upper East Side of Mahattan and have a second home and your brother-in-law has a beach house I'm assuming your husband's family has some money and I presume by your concerns about etiquette, are considered "upper class". If you really want to feel most comfortable I'd recommend a book like Emily Post's Etiquette (16th Ed) by Peggy Post. It's pretty formal but you can't go wrong and it will tell you everything from how to handle introductions to what fork to use, how to write thank you notes, etc. <BR> <BR>But, be yourself! I'm sure your relatives will find you quite charming. Have a good time. <BR>

hello again <BR> <BR>james, <BR> i am from the island Zanzibar ( off the east coast of africa) my family owns a plantation there. i met husband on a cruise ship in the south pacific. i am educated, i have a doctorate in political science. and to the others who said just sit there and look pretty, i am afriad that is what will be expected of me scince i have been doing that the past 23 years! i hope to get the courage to speak up even though i want to fit in. <BR>thank you all <BR>amanda

1. Eat what you are offered. <BR> <BR>2. Smile, smile, smile. <BR> <BR>3. Look interested in what others say, and mumble "uh-huh" every 10-15 seconds. Mix it up a little by substituting a vigorous nod from time to time. <BR> <BR>4. Let your husband do the talking. <BR> <BR>It sounds flip, I know, but it'll work fine.

Amanda, <BR> <BR>First, I would say buy a good book, written/published in North America, that deals with etiquette. <BR> <BR>Second, since your area of expertise is political science, bone-up on USA affairs and be prepared to offer your unique views. <BR> <BR>Third, be prepared to converse on several light topics. Weather, gardening, sports, movies, TV, trends, food, cars, fashion are but a few examples. <BR> <BR>Fourth, be genuine. Don't feel afraid to draw others out of their shell. And have fun at all cost. <BR> <BR>That's my advice. I feel you will do just fine. <BR> <BR>

<BR> <BR>amanda, <BR> <BR>seems as if you'll be doing quite a bit of dining. a little trick i always use when faced with a strange food i don't know quite how to eat or utensil or bowl that i'm not sure how to use, i just wait and watch my host or hostess and follow their lead. (unfortunately, this doesn't always help in some countries where etiquette dictates that the guest starts first! :) ) <BR> <BR>i would agree with the above poster that with respect to conversations, just be interested in what people are saying, acknowledge that you are listening with a nod or smile, and ask questions whenever possible. i would also say that most people are interested in different places, and you come from a great one. maybe as a discussion topic if asked, you could talk a little bit about your home, it might make you feel more comfortable than talking about something you're not quite sure of, and i'm sure many would find it fascinating. <BR> <BR>get a book. i don't know how much time you have, but if you can't digest emily post in time, you can always purchase one of those "idiot's guide's to ____" books that are so widely sold in the u.s. (in this case it would be "idiot's guide to etiquette" or "manners" or something similar) these books offer shorter reading and can summarize the essentials for you if you're in a time crunch. <BR> <BR>perhaps ask your husband to be extra conscious of initital issues of protocol you might stumble over, and have him help steer you along during difficult spots. <BR> <BR>i know how you feel, entering a new community and culture - it's difficult to feel comfortable, especially when you want to make a good impression. but, i'm sure you'll do great! just be yourself! good luck and have a great time!

Amanda, <BR> <BR>Tell us more about Zanzibar. It sounds fascinating. And if you don't mind me asking, what cruise liner were you on in the South Pacific? What a romantic story. I think you are the most interesting fodorite to drop in to our little cyber community since the esteemed Armstrong Wong. I so enjoyed his unique perspective. I do wish he had reported back about his trip to the East Coast. We tried very hard to give him helpful travel advice. <BR> <BR>You'll have a wonderful trip :) <BR> <BR>Aloha, <BR>k

to ohbrother: forgive my ignorance but what does t-r-o-l-l mean?

I agree with Kalena, you sound like a very interesting person. You should have no trouble conversing with your husband's family and their friends given your background. <BR> <BR>If you can tell us a little more, I'm sure you'll be provided with much the help you need. Where did you get your degrees? (That's always a good conversation piece.) Where is your family's plantation? Where does your husband travel on business and do you accompany him? Where do you currently live? It would also be very helpful if you could share some information about the culture in Zanzibar. <BR> <BR>Looking forward to hearing more about you!

I stumbled on the secret when I first met my husband's family, who were of a different race, culture, language and religion. I showed that I was genuinely fond of my new nieces and nephews and spent a lot of time talking to them and playing with them. This turned out to be the key to opening their parents' and grandparents' hearts. By the end of the visit, all my in-laws thought that I was great! (Those little kids are now in college and we still love each other dearly.)

hello again. <BR> <BR>i have ordered a couple boooks on line from a store Barnes and nobels i hope they will help. thank you for all you help and the lovely complements. to answer some of the questions that have been asked: <BR>from ages 6 to 17 i went to a boarding school in France for the school year. <BR> <BR>i graduated from Oxford Universtiy in England so i am some what familiar with english customs but i know they will differ from yours. <BR> <BR>our cotton and coffee plantaion is not far form Stone Town, which had an aful name but is ver beautiful <BR> <BR> since most of the Zanzibaris are muslim, though my family is catholic, dress for women is very conservative. there are many tourisits that like to scuba dive by our breath taking beaches and hunt or see the game, so when we are at our beach house things are more relaxed. <BR> <BR>i hope this helps <BR>thanks, <BR>amanda <BR> <BR> <BR>

Amanda, IF you're legit (seems a troll to me), why have to had to go on and on AND ON about how well to do your in-laws are (their place in Manhatten while house in New Hampshire is being built), brother in laws place on Martha's Vineyard.....you graduating from Oxford.....met your husband on a cruise ship in S, Pacific.....BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!!!!!!1 TROLL!!!!!!! I can't believe some people have actually taken the time to give legit answers to your question. Your husband is so busy he doesnt have time to instruct you in the area of manners.....blah blah blah. this thread is so funny it's pathetic.

this entire thread has been kept alive <BR>by the same person.

"...since most of the Zanzibaris are muslim". <BR>Hmmmm. If this is your home, wouldn't the correct statement be "most of US Zanzibaris"? <BR> <BR>You're visiting all these 'proper' people and you're worrying about fitting in and having the courage to speak up...having grown up as a plantation owner's daughter and having obtained a doctorate from a world class college within Oxford University? <BR> <BR>Did you take all your doctoral work in political science at Oxford in French? Seems your English (spelling) is rudimentary....more like that of a mischievious American junior high school student with a little too much time on his/her hands.

well mr. troll <BR> <BR>i am very sorry that you do not believe me, but i will try to clear up you questions. <BR> <BR>1. i am from france i was not born i Zanzibar. so i look at the people from an outsiders point of view at times. also since i am not muslim it would have sounded not sounded quite right to put"i" in the sentence. <BR> <BR>2. i included all the information because people asked for it. they wanted background information on my life to get a clearer picture of the situation. <BR> <BR>3. i did not do my doctoral in french but as usuall in english i did not know that we had to be formal and use high vocabulary in this forum! <BR> <BR>4. speaking out in front of people that are from your same culture and you are comfortable with and you do not care to impress is not the same as being in the spotlight at you inlawas home for the first time. either you are not married or have very laid back inlaws because this situation is very nerve racking. <BR> <BR>and by the way they are not builiding the house in NH it is already built and had been for years! <BR>amanda <BR> <BR>2.

Even if this is a troll, there are a number of people who read this forum who could use some pointers. <BR> <BR>If you are upper-class European meeting uppser-class US, most of the people you meet will have more in common with you than either of you have with the "average" American. Whatever else you might say about the upper class, they seem to understand the essence of good manners is to make _other people_ comfortable -- not to use them as a weapon to judge other people. <BR> <BR>I am sure you will do quite well with the good manners you already have. You are who many East Coast people try to imitate. The "just sit and look pretty" comment is more typical of Midwesterners and Southerners. Northeastern women have a reputation for speaking their minds, which generally means they are disliked by much of the rest of the country. <BR> <BR>I'm sure that you know that Americans use their fork with tines up not down, and that they cut their food shifting the knife to their right hand (if right-handed) and then put the knife down and return the fork to their right hand. <BR> <BR>"Proper" New Englanders can be a bit reserved, but since most Americans strike Europeans as needing to be much more reserved, this will probably not be terribly obvious to you. <BR> <BR>As a Bostonian, I was raised never to talk about religion, never to talk about politics, and never to talk about money, as in who has any. You can probably talk about European politics but stay away from American politics -- it has become a contact sport in recent decades. Otherwise, by all means, children, literature, art, music, non-political news, and -- surprise -- about travel, travel, travel. <BR> <BR>Otherwise, yes, do notice what the women do -- if they seem to segregate themselves, or if the men wander off together, you are stuck in the "gilded ghetto" that seems to happen without any signals -- and even if you are more comfortable with your husband than with these strange women, I know from hard experience that if you insist on staying with the men while the women are in the kitchen or upstairs or outside, you will have instantly distanced yourself from both groups. Sad but true. <BR> <BR>(Also: New York is not part of New England.)

Amanda. Pardonnez-moi pour écrire içi en français, mais avec nôtre propre voyage en moins de 20 jours, j'embrace l'opportunite d'utilser la belle langue de vôtre pays. Et, comme vous pouvez noter, mon français c'est n'est pas parfait auusi. C'est difficile d'achever la precision linguistique dans une langue étrangere. <BR> <BR>Mais, je suis sure que tout le mond aux EU será fascinée avec vôtre histoire, etc. Et que vous n'aurez-pas aucun de problem en suivant l'avis de L, "to be yourself" ;) Bon voyage, et si vous voulez corresponder avec moi en français, s'il vous plait noter l'addresse en haut, je l'apprecie aussi. <BR> <BR>Bon Voyage et Ciao, (aloha L) <BR>kalena (dans an autre île tropical) <BR> <BR>

oo la la...pardonnez-moi, c'est "aussi" et "un".

Pris, <BR> <BR>As a southerner, I too was raised never to talk about religion, never to talk about politics, and never to talk about money, as in who has any. I was not raised to sit and look pretty nor is this "typical" of southerners. Women of the south also speak their minds. The difference is, it is done with a gentility that defies rudeness. <BR> <BR>

Amanda, you've come to the wrong website for advice on anything involving thought. Lets just look at one aspect: you have a doctorate, while many of the people who post here seem to me to have what I would have to call a "community college" perspective. I mean, one simply needs to look at their responses. Oh, there are a few exceptions, to be sure, those with a certain GED mentality in evidence. And others who seem to wish to help and by their words demonstrate intelligence. And then you have the genuine iditos who think troll at every opportunity ... they suffer from some form of diminished imagination (they can imgaine none different from themselves). If I were you, I'd follow L's advice (well, of course I would have to say that) and be yourself. I am certain you're a perfeclty charming person. Perhaps you may be shy, but I'd think you'll soon dampen that a bit, and then you can show the east side what you've got, which I'm certain is the genuine thing. Welcome to the USA. Have a wonderful trip. And ciao.

Leone, <BR> <BR>How did you guess from my post that I have a PhD? And did you also guess that although born in the Northeast, I have lived in the midwest and currently live in the south. Let me give you an illustration of what has impressed me as the difference among the three regions. <BR> <BR>Northeasterner: Oh, dear, that dress is just doesn't do you justice! <BR> <BR>Midwesterner: Well, that dress is certainly different. <BR> <BR>Southerner: My dear, that dress looks every bit as lovely on you today as it did five years ago. <BR> <BR>If you think the last one was more polite, read it again.

Sorry, Leone, I meant to be including Sal in my response. Forgive me.

Bonjour, Kalena ... your french was very nice indeed. And quite clear. And please understand that Leone was NOT speaking of people like you ... you have tried to help Amanda, and that is terrific. Leone applauds you!! Have a nice day, and I am certain Amanda will have a great trip because of your help. Ciao

I think Kalena busted you, amanda.

Pris, not to worry. Have a good one. Ciao. Leone.

I have to agree with Leone on this one. Some of you have such a narrow little egocentric attitude towards the world that it amazes me you even visit a travel website, since you don't seem the least bit interested in learning about different cultures and environments (most of you seem so bewildered that someone in this world may have actually grown up in a style other plain vanilla, middle class "North American"). You merely seem interested in accusing those with unique experiences as imposters and credit yourselves with the lame moniker of being a "troll-buster" which is not even original in and of itself. Yes, some people do have lives that are more interesting than yours. If you resent that, then go back to your weekly Monday morning jelly roll and stop harassing those who actually have questions to ask and information to share. <BR>amanda, please excuse some of these troll-like individuals on this site. most of us are genuinely interested and are here to help. :)

Oh, yeah. And "xxx" isn't lame?

Hey, Troll Buster, I think XXX's got your number. Folks fall back on "troll" when they've got nothing to say. XXX got 'ya redhanded. Ciao

troll buster, again, this just goes to prove my point. not even a spark of imagination in your reply. all we get from you is just an "oh, yeah?" where EVER did you get that one?

xxx and L, <BR> <BR>I think you've been had. Amanda was posting every few hours on this thread . . . until someone called her bluff on the details of her post. Then she disappeared. Don't feel bad. Lots of people fell for it. All in good fun, no?

This is hilarious. One of the better trolls we've had here. Like Kalena, it reminded me of our super-polite past troll, Mr. Armstrong Wong. <BR> <BR>And kudos to Kalena for beating the troll at its own game.