That "Don't let people of NY and DC fool you..." post. Ha ha ha. <BR> <BR>BTW, we are ready and willing to welcome visitors. Come, join us! <BR> <BR>This is (and always will be) a beautiful city!! <BR> <BR>God Bless! <BR> <BR>

Thank you all. Very needed tonic.

<BR>What did the little dog say when he sat on the sandpaper?

Went to church to appease my mother this weekend and at the request of my 8 year old niece. When the priest was performing something I believe is called the benediction my niece looked and with a sound mimicking the priest's rhythm of speech <BR>she whispered "Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah . Had to crack up at this early acknowledgement of confusion with the mass. <BR>

Good advice from a 10 year old. <BR> <BR>When your father asks, "Who do you think I am", don't answer him. <BR>

Received this today in my e-mail - made me laugh out loud: <BR> <BR>THE BIRDS AND THE BEES..... <BR> <BR>A father asked his 10-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me." Confused, the father asked what was wrong. <BR> <BR>"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the there's no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I Was 8, you hit me with the there's no Tooth Fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really have sex, I'll have nothing left to live for." <BR> <BR>(had to clean it up a bit there at the end!)

An 80 year man goes to the Dr. and tells the Dr. he wants him to do a sperm count. A sperm count??? the Dr says, your 80!!! but the man insists, so the Dr gives the man a bottle and tells him to go home and bring back a sample the next day. The next day the man returns and hands the bottle to the dr. its empty. the Dr. asks if there was a problem... The man replys,,,"well doc, I tried it with my right hand, I tried it with my left..my wife tried it with her dentures out,,she even tried it with them in,,,,,, <BR> We just cant get the darn cap off!!!

Get your "Bozo Criminal of the Day" -- look at the old ones too. <BR> <BR>www.electricferret.com/bozo

While on vacation at VA Beach this summer: <BR> <BR>A mother was walking down the path through the sand dunes with her toddler son. When they started nearing the beach area the toddler took one look at the ocean and said "Mommy, this pool is way too big! I'm going back to the hotel." <BR> <BR>And with that, he let go of her hand and began walking back! We were all cracking up.

this isn't a joke, but it made me smile for days. <BR> <BR>a friend of mine at the army recruitment office phoned to tell me that my dad had tried to enlist and got turned down, and that he was really depressed. <BR> <BR>so i phoned, and at first, he didn't want to say anything, but then he started to rant about how he's not old (he's 63) and the young female recruiter had no idea who audie murphy was. he was indignant when the officer told him that he had already served his country in vietnam so he should rest and let the next generation take over. it was hard not to laugh when he sounded so resigned after his tirade. funny, but rather touching, too. i just love my dad!

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat "you lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know". The cat thinks for a moment and says "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says "say no more" and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears. <BR>A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says "say no more" and fits each mouse with a beautiful pair of roller skates. <BR>About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you are here?" The cat stretches and yawns and replies "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals On Wheels you have been sending by are the best!!!" <BR>

Fall-Down Drunk <BR> <BR>A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. <BR>"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside. <BR> <BR>He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. <BR> <BR>"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home." <BR> <BR>The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. <BR> <BR>"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said. <BR> <BR>"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?" <BR> <BR>"You left your wheelchair at the bar again." <BR> <BR>

<BR>Debbie, you must be very proud of your dad. What a touching story!

It hasn't yet sweetie darling, but it will, AbFab is starting at 9:00 on Comedy Central. Gotta go chill the champers. Cheerio!

Got this email this morning that read - I usually don't sent sad emails, but the person who wrote the song hokey pokey (name was mentioned) just passed away. The had a hard time putting him in his casket because, they put the right hand in etc. For some reason after yesterday disaster this queer email made me laugh.

cj: I was going to write something cynical as I don't feel like laughing, pay check was cut this morning...but then I read your hoky poki post and broke up laughing. Cut and paste the email

Bin Laden was hanging from a tree branch, deadly rushing waters below him, death impending any second. Here is the question: If you as a photographer, take his picure you may win a prize picture of the year and be famous or you can let him die. WHAT LENS WOULD YOU USE??

Sarah- I would love to send you the email, but I have never learned how to cut and paste. If I can read "computers for dummys" I will do it. Maybe I can get my son to teach his dear momma how to do this. I am glad this cracked you us. The email got me out of my down mood from yesterdays events.

From News of the Weird:<BR><BR>In June, indecent-exposure arrestee Scott Matthew Brackett, 39, had just been booked and bailed out on one nude excursion through an apartment complex in Broken Arrow, Okla., when he was picked up on a second foray. <BR><BR>According to the police report, Brackett said that since the authorities were still investigating the first charge and told him they wouldn't finalize their report for two more days, he figured that he had "two extra days of freedom" until a recommendation would be made on that first charge, and thus, he "just went out to celebrate (by taking his clothes off in public again)."

Cut and pasted from the AP (will probably get deleted but I couldn't help myself):<BR><BR>Heather Schlossman thought she had a stomach virus and went home from work early. <BR><BR>It turned out she was ready to give birth. <BR><BR>"I started getting really bad cramps and thought I had eaten something bad," said Schlossman, 26. <BR><BR>The pain quickly became so severe she had her husband, Mike, take her to Lancaster General Hospital, where an emergency room doctor was perplexed as he examined her. <BR><BR>"He wasn't sure what he was feeling at first," Mike Schlossman said. "Then he said he wasn't sure if it was one or two. <BR><BR>"I said 'One or two what?' He said 'Babies."' <BR><BR>Within less than hour of the diagnosis, Schlossman gave birth Thursday to 7-pound baby Jasmine. <BR><BR>"It was my first baby," Schlossman said. "I thought any movement I felt was just gas. I didn't go through mood swings. I didn't have any morning sickness. And I only gained about 10 to 12 pounds." <BR><BR>She called her boss the next day. <BR><BR>"I said 'You better sit down. I had a baby yesterday,"' she said. "It got quiet. Then he said 'You what?' ... He didn't know what to do. He said 'I didn't think you were pregnant.' I said 'Join the crowd."' <BR>

PARROT HUMOR: I call for a plumber for "obvious reasons". My parrot has to know "Who" is in the house and "What" is he doing; he chirps continually (but doesn't speak a word)he's hoping this will gain him access to the man. It works, I can't stand a moment more of his 'birdie calls'. I pick him up and cradle him into my chest (his 2nd favorite perch) there he begins chewing his toe nails and peering over the plumbers head. Mean while the plumber is wondering what the heck I am doing and what's with the bird? I go in 2 - 3 times so my parrot will stay quite. Needless to say the plumber thinks I'm a nut case. Upon leaving the house, I walk the plumber to the door,(the parrot is still chewing his nails) and I say thank you. The plumber turns to walk away and the parrot begins to laugh hysterically!!! He laughs so loud @ hard that he begins to SNORT. I start laughing the plumber turns around and the parrot is silent, I look like a fool again!! I'll call a different plumber next time, I get the feeling he would'nt come back any ways.

funny Gabby thanks.<BR>CJ I just tried to tell that joke a second time I seem to enjoy it more than the people listening to me. They tell me I wreck the punch line by laughing come on CJ give us the joke.

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I always find the onion website amusing... <BR>www.onion.com

ttt for laughter

Experience in the doctor’s office<BR><BR>There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists<BR>you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know we all have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.<BR><BR>An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, &quot;Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?&quot;<BR><BR>&quot;There's something wrong with my penis,&quot; he replied.<BR><BR>The receptionist became irritated and said, &quot;You shouldn't come into a<BR>crowded office and say things like that.&quot;<BR> <BR>&quot;Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,&quot; he said.<BR><BR>The receptionist replied, &quot;You've obviously caused some embarrassment<BR>in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with<BR>your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with<BR>the doctor in private.&quot;<BR><BR>The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.The receptionist smiled smugly asked, &quot;Yes?&quot;<BR> <BR>&quot;There's something wrong with my ear,&quot; he stated.<BR><BR>The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he <BR>had taken her advice. <BR><BR>&quot;And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?&quot;<BR><BR>&quot;I can't piss out of it,&quot; the man replied.<BR><BR>The doctor's office erupted in laughter.<BR><BR><BR><BR> <BR>

I don't think any of the above compare with the humor that resulted from the recent thread &quot;Traveling With Plastic Sheets and Duct Tape.

Yes, we all have jor to thank for that one. It's a keeper. Thanks, jor.

I saw someone trip today. That always makes me laugh.

Hi All<BR><BR>The duck (sorry) duct tape thread made me laugh although Fodors took it of ( if you had'nt read it just click on my name and it should come up.)<BR><BR>During these times we need a laugh.<BR><BR>anyway thanks all I certainly rather spend an evening on here than watching constant news flashes and broadcasts about panic and terror on tv or radio. life too short anyway!<BR><BR>thanks all<BR><BR>clare<BR>

Check out www.bored.com<BR><BR><BR>

Our bathroom mirror.<BR><BR>BB

keep it coming!

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/dah18/america/page2.html<BR><BR>Don't forget pages 2 &amp; 3!

<BR>This is (supposedly) a telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room service at a<BR>hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic<BR>Review:<BR><BR>Room Service: &quot;Morny. Ruin sorbees.&quot;<BR>Guest: &quot;Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.&quot;<BR>RS: &quot;Rye. Ruin sorbees. Morny! Jewish to odor sunteen??&quot;<BR>G: &quot;Uh, yes, I'd like some bacon and eggs.&quot;<BR>RS: &quot;Ow July den?&quot;<BR>G: &quot;What??&quot;<BR>RS: &quot;Ow July den - fry, boy, pooch?&quot;<BR>G: &quot;Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry...scrambled, please.&quot;<BR>RS: &quot;Ow July dee baychem - crease?&quot;<BR>G: &quot;Crisp will be fine&quot;<BR>RS: &quot;Hokay. An San toes?&quot;<BR>G: &quot;What?&quot;<BR>RS: &quot;San toes. July San toes?&quot;<BR>G: &quot;I don't think so&quot;<BR>RS: &quot;No? Judo one toes??&quot;<BR>G: &quot;I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means.&quot;<BR>RS: &quot;Toes! Toes! Why jew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?&quot;<BR>G: &quot;English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.'<BR> Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.&quot;<BR>RS: &quot;We bother?&quot;<BR>G: &quot;No, just put the bother on the side.&quot;<BR>RS: &quot;Wad?&quot;<BR>G: &quot;I mean butter - just put it on the side.&quot;<BR>RS: &quot;Copy?&quot;<BR>G: &quot;Sorry?&quot;<BR>RS: &quot;Copy...tea...mill?&quot;<BR>G: &quot;Yes. Coffee please, and that's all.&quot;<BR>RS: &quot;One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,<BR>tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??&quot;<BR>G: &quot;Whatever you say.&quot;<BR>RS: &quot;Tendjewberrymud&quot;<BR>G: &quot;You're welcome&quot;<BR><BR>

This happenned a few months ago (while traveling); my kids just now reminded me of it:<BR><BR>My daughter and I were discussing whether to prononce the word affluent - AFfluent or afFLUent. I suggested that she look it up in the dictionary when we got home.<BR><BR>My ten year old son said, &quot;and then we can look up Uranus, too&quot;. He pronounced it urANus, and didn't think about how that suggestion sounded until my daughter and I burst out laughing. The background on this is that we had been discussing how to pronounce that word a few days earlier.

I think that post by Austin was derrogatory towards those who speak a different language other than English. I wonder if they make fun of us and the way we speak in their emails. It was funny though......

<BR>Jor has made me laugh today and prior 2 days with the duct tape and fruit cake posts.

S.H. was overheard saying &quot;Is it just me, or is that M.J. one weird guy?&quot;

Since Spring Training just started...a baseball joke:<BR><BR><BR>A man moves from Scotland to the US and attends his first baseball game. After a base hit he hears the fans roaring, &quot;Run! Run!&quot;<BR> <BR>The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman, catching on, &nbsp;stands up and shouts along with the crowd:&nbsp; &quot;R-r-r-un. &nbsp;R-r-run!&quot;<BR> <BR>The next batter holds his swing at 3 and 2 and as the umpire calls,&quot;Take your base&quot;, begins to walk toward 1st base.&nbsp; The Scotsman stands up, yelling,&nbsp; &quot;RRRun, ya bloody bahstard, rrrun!&quot; All the surrounding fans giggle quietly so he sits down, very much confused.<BR> <BR>A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers, &quot;He doesn't have to run; he got four balls.&quot;<BR> <BR>The Scotsman stands up in disbelief and shouts, &quot;Walk with prrrride, man! Walk with&nbsp;prrrride!!&quot;