Houseguests! AUGH!
 

When we lived in HAwaii we had a charming separate guest house far removed from the main house and we hosted hordes our friends multiple times (it was a B&B when not being used gratis by family and friends.) It was a very comfortable situation for all....luxury, privacy, beautiful surroundings; above and beyond the normal guest expecations (and free, of course!)

Now we live in a very small 100 year old bungalow. It is located in a desirable area but we cannot comfortably accommodate houseguests. There would be zero privacy and I, personally, would go crazy LOL. So I have never offered to host visiting out-of-towners. But several people have not quite comprehended my polite refusals ("we cannot comfortably accommodate you, a hotel will have to suffice") and insist upon staying here ( "we won't bother you"
or "we can sleep on the floor.") I am aghast. Does anybody have any similar tales or advice?!?!? I have declined a wanna-be houseguest couple several times for next month and they are not taking the hint, still being insistent about staying here.

P.S.

Let me add this: We always stay in a hotel or VRBO when we are out-of-town and have never been anybody's housegests (except at our own mom's houses!)

So if they don't get your hints, ask them to bring Cheney along for a hunting session ;)

Seriously, if they don't get it, tell them it's not their privacy which worries you, it's yours!! What have you got to lose? Their friendship?

There is no way they can insist on staying there if you don't let them in. I guess it's not a possibility to hide when they arrive at your door. . .

It is the hieght of rudenes for these guests to invite themselves. You will just have to be firm and say it's not possible. Give them a list of local places within their price range--although from what you say, their price range is "free."

height of rudeness

Vivi,

Your place in Hawaii sounds absolutely dreamy! I guess if you live in such a fabulous place friends/relatives want to visit.

Stick to your guns! People will have to understand your new arrangement. Just don't leave any room But for "negotiation". I would say, " We just dont have the room any more. Really! But There is a cute B&B down the road. We can get together for dinner and sight-seeing though."

Good Luck!!

I meant to say don't leave any room for negotiation.

Sounds like these people should stay home and take a class on manners instead of traveling. I would flat out tell them they are being rude for insisting on staying there after you suggested otherwise. So what if you hurt their feelings - it might do them some good!

We have a vacation home in a very popular location [see, I'm so paranoid about people inviting themselves, that my natural instinct is to not even say where it is!:)]. We invite some friends and lots of family to use it "when we're not there." We go more now that I'm retired, but even with that, when we go it is our special immediate family time. Our teen sons will often bring friends and our adult children will bring sig others. But that's it. And, just to be helpful, it is located in a place like Hawaii where friends and family could easily keep it filled year round.

One time we got an email from friends that we see about once a year, saying they were coming a certain date which also happened to be a time our family would be there. I emailed back that the family would be there then, and asked if they could make it another time.

They emailed again that this was not a problem for them, besides they had already bought the airline tickets. Now mind you, all our friends already knew and respected our policy. I was livid, and my wife was stunned. What a horrible position they'd put us in. I picked up the phone and called before even thinking it through. I told them I was very sorry, but that was one rule we'd always had and intended to keep - that the family didn't "share" our vacation time there, and we'd be happy to help them find other lodging, but we just could not accommodate them. Well, to make a long story short, we recently saw them at a funeral, 12 years later, and they apologized and said they realized since they now had several children, how important and rare it is to get the whole family together.

Vivi, I don't regret it, and had I thought it through, I may have acted differently. Thankfully in this case I didn't. You have to decide what's best for you. It is after all, your HOME! Good luck!:)

There was a long thread on this subject not too long ago and lots of rather silly argument. If you don't enjoy or want them in the space you have, you can tell them that in a definitive way. You don't have to sound annoyed or offended, just definitive, absolute/final and with little defensive reasons given.

You don't have to have lousy manners, nor be nervously defensive about the denial, just because they do.

I too have people ask themselves to a home I have, just because they have come before. And I think that very few people who "assume" realize the work involved for the host.

If you really were as firm, direct and polite as you seemed to be, then these must be the rudest people in the world.

Perhaps in response to the "we won't bother you" you can say something like "Perhaps you have forgotten that we have moved and there is not even space enough for us much less guests" - but that really shouldn't be necessary.

You might also have a list of nearby accomodations in a variety of price ranges and offer to make a reservation for them with their credit card.

Do you want to see these people at all when they are there? If not, we could have fun creating an open season on snappy come-backs for comments from these people.

To me the best strategy for dealing w/a situation like this is an ancient technique from the self-help assertiveness training movement of the 70's. It is called the "broken record technique"--shows how old it is, as no one even has records anymore!! You just keep saying the same thing over and over again, no matter what they say. You do *not* respond to the points they are making. For example, in this case you just endlessly say, "I am so sorry, but it will just not work for you to stay here". Do not vary from your chosen scripted response, no matter what they say. Eventually, the topic and their protestations must die.

"they are not taking the hint, still being insistent about staying here." vivi, they don't get to insist! They're not in a position to dictate to you. Say "sorry, but we can't accommodate you." Don't explain why and repeat as necessary.

When I was a kid, we lived in a small town that was overrun with tourists in the summer. We had nonstop houseguests (my poor mother cooked and cleaned and laundered constantly) until the day a woman we'd never seen before showed up at our doorstep, luggage in hand. She was the former co-worker of a relative and believed that that entitled her to a weekend stay! That was the last d*@! straw. Mother politely told her to find a hotel and from that day forward, she told people, "sorry, but we can't accommodate you."

Stick to your guns. Good luck!

Hi vivi, I use to have houses that all had a private guest quarter within the various houses I owned so various family members and friends were use to coming and staying with us.

I now live in an apartment. I have invited house guest twice, one couple was family, the other two very close friends from Italy.

Having said that..I can assure you if someone, anyone, called me and invited themselves to stay with me I would just tell them there simply is not any room and as others have suggested I would give them a choice of lodgins they could reserve in the area.

No one can take advantage of you unless you let them.

Just a thought..after all the free accomodations you have given various people over the years when you were in Hawaii these people all ought to get together and give you two a lovely get-a-away as a thank you for all your past hospitality,lol. I know that isn't going to happen though!

Anyway, do not feel guilty, stressed or unhospitable.

Regarding the couple that has been "nagging" you..just be blunt and tell them "I guess you do NOT understand, we do NOT run a B&B anymore". If you lose their friendship, well it really wasn't, was it? Best regards.

socialworker, I just love you! I've heard that advice from you on the board before - but I'm so glad to read it again.

I invited someone up to the mountain place recently. A couple of weeks later, I received a call asking if I would be up there the next weekend. I stalled...and asked why. The person said "Oh, I'd like to use it if you aren't going to be up there." Totally shocked. An offer was never extended. I can't imagine asking someone that.

Invite them over...First night,cook them a nice dinner...
Then after they are done let your dogs and/or cats lick the plates clean and then put them right back in the cupboard!

They will not return and they will probably tell other future mooching friends.
I used it on Faina and she hasn't been over since.:O)

"I'm sorry, but we just don't have room for guests. I'd be happy to help you find a reasonably priced motel."

I think the key is, don't hint and don't leave them room to misinterprety things: just politely say it.

Kal,
You are the BEST!!!

North Georgia mountain home, huh, Starrsville? Maybe we could cut a deal! :) LOL

Works for me, SB! :-)

Have had the same problem - a not so large apartment in NYC that friends/ family would want to come visit - not for a day or weekend - but for a week or more - with their entire family.

I had no problem with a close friend or relative (even with a significant other if necessary) but always made it clear the bed was mine - and they could fight over the sofa and the floor.

But after one cousin - I hadn't seen for at least 5 years - turned up unannounced with her husband and 3 kids - and complained my apartment was too small - I agreed. I offered her the phone book and the phone to get a hotel.

She left in a huff. No loss.

Why not do the same for your wannabe guests. Have a standard list of B&Bs etc in the area and email it to them - repeating as often as necessary - sorry no room.

Would you mind the flight? It's on the Yucatán. :)

Depends on flight availability.

What an incredible thread! Love the stories!

I've had people invite themselves over and I have a 605 square foot, one BR condo unit. Even after I said I have no room and the place is a mess, I get a ton of insistence that it's OK. I'm always appalled that I have to look super upset before these types of people back off! Otherwise they are nice people.....just have a thing for wanting to stay with me or something.

Oh, Melissa, I would invite myself to your condo in a heartbeat! Unless Kal gets there first! :))

Tell them that they're welcome to come and to stay in the living room, but they'll be sharing the floor with other guests, Aunt Martha and your flatulent Uncle Fred.

I'm an excellent visitor but NOT an overnight guest!
Gotta have my hotel room!

I am LOL at some of the responses, it seems this is not a unique situation!
You guys are the best when it comes to Advice!

Cal- One time my very uppity brother-in-law was staying with us in Hawaii. The horror on his face was priceless when he saw our slobbery dog lick the BBQ grill. (Yes, I washed it, but much later.)

One of my pet peeves from hosting friends and family 40-50 times in Hawaii was the "thank you dinner." Most guests were wonderful and treated us to a fabulous meal at Kauai's best restaurants (Roys, A Pacific Cafe, and that old stand-by Duke's.) Occasionally, tho, guests would announce that to show their appreciation they would cook dinner for us.... in our own kitchen. This was always tortuous as they inevitably would diss our cookware, spice assortment, the electric stove, yadda yadda yadda. And then there would be a big ol' mess to clean up. I especially hated the annual Night of the Meat, one particular guest's idea of a "treat" which involved huge bloody slabs of beef (I am a vegetarian and it used to make me reel.)

Social Worker- I have most definitely using the 'broken record' method, I chant back the same mantra but so far it isn't working. We'll see if we come to an impasse!

we have a 1bd/1ba 700sf apt in Los Angeles and my inlaws have the gall to insist on staying with us. UGHGGHGHGHGHH.

Am I the only one (besides Kal) that likes to visit people but I want my own hotel room. My problem is trying to figure out how to do that without hurting peoples feelings!!

And travelling with a friend, I want my own hotel room. Most friends want to share a hotel room. Again, I want my hotel room!! Gosh vivi, you should have me come and visit you. I would get my own hotel room, lol!

No, I'm with you too LoveItaly. I would much rather have stay in a hotel room - especially if someone is going to be displaced by the guest. I don't feel right about that - and enjoy some alone time.

I don't mind sharing hotel rooms though. Well, if its a good traveling companion I'm sharing with.

I'm the same LoveItaly. I want my own bathroom and t.v. Unfortunately, even my Mom doesn't have a t.v. in the guestroom, and I have to go down the hall to use the bathroom. Of course I've never had the nerve to even suggest staying in a hotel. Don't want to make my Mom cry.

My guest bedroom has it all, and I always hope that my guests/family will follow suit, but alas, no one has.

"Oh you'll be in town ?
How marvelous ! Can we meet for
dessert-coffee-lunch ?"

"Oh, you'll be in town ?
How marvelous ! We're remodeling
the bath (and you only have the one and are now showering in a makeshift shower in the yard-or-we a showering at the gym) and decided to do the kitchen-I mean the contractor gave us a deal on both-anyhoo
we'd love to meet you somewhere
for a bite. What day is good for you ?"

I'm with the own hotel room gang
on this one...and you know, life's too short to have anyone in it will not accept your "No".

R5

LOL Razzle, I love it!!! Too funny but a great response ;;)

I have always needed time to myself, even as a kid. And even my dear late husband and I had a bathroom each..I am spoiled I guess.

My guest suite in my houses did have a TV, a radio, its own bathroom etc and complete privacy. I wonder why we had so many houseguest? But it was fine, we had our privacy and they had theirs.

And regarding sharing a hotel room, I never ever go to bed at the same hour each night. And I also watch TV for about an hour while I fall asleep. And if I wake up in the middle of the night, well I get up and have some water or juice or whatever. I couldn't do that sharing a hotel room.

Actually I love hotel rooms, and do wish I could work out staying in hotels when visiting my loved ones.

Count me in the "gotta have my own hotel room" group. And my wife would NEVER consider it a vacation without staying in a hotel, condo, or something special! :)

Now the problem SpeedBunny is how can vivi convince her "invite myself house guest" to feel the same way, lol.

Vivi, I sure hope that you stick to your guns (no, no, don't meet them at your front door with a shotgun, you would end up sharing a jail cell with some real creeps) and not let univited houseguest intrude on you.

LoveItaly, from all the posts I've read of yours (very many!) you seem like such a fine, genteel lady, so I'll just chalk it up to you having an adventurous (for lack of a better word) night.

And I posted my own horror story up higher in this thread. :)

Oh, LoveItaly, in case you are wondering, I was referring to your version of my screen name. No, I am not asking ANY questions! lol :-D

Just read that while Atlantic hurricane season is going to be less than expected, Pacific typhoon season will be worse.

"Oh, maybe you didn't hear that a typhoon and tsunami are approaching here nest week - I suggest a highrise in the city. We want you to be safe"