notice Amy the troll hasn't responded???

Because of things like this, my wife and I usually decline wedding/reception invitations these days. In short, too many are tacky events with things like money dances, money trees, etc. We send a nice congratulatory note but no gift.

And because of that, Jim and his wife no longer have any friends.

Registries are what they are. How the happy couple uses them is what comes across as mannered or not. If the registry information is included with the invitation to the wedding it is beyond tacky. If the wedding guest is looking to send an appropriate gift, the guest contacts the bride's mother to inquire whether the couple is registered. At that time the guest will receive the information about the honeymoon registry and can do as they please. The groom's family would have this information as well. The bride and groom should not direct guests in how they should honor them. It's far too crass. It is not only the bride and groom who need lessons in manners it is also the guest who is clueless about how to get this information.

x makes a good point. I've never received a wedding invitation that contained any information about gifts in it, and that includes registry information. I've always contacted the bride/groom or their parents to find out if they're registered, or if they have any preferences. <BR><BR>And think about it--it a guest doesn't feel comfortable asking one of the above people about a registry, then he doesn't know the people well enough to be a guest!

I don't understand the problem some of you have with this... no, gifts are not expected but really, would you go to a wedding and NOT give the bride and groom something? (..and if yes, than shame on you, as weddings are so so expensive and many couples, myself included, now pay for their own). <BR><BR>And more to the point, would you not want the bride and groom to need/want what you give them? Or (Jim) are you one of those people who see weddings as a chance for free booze and food, rather than being thankful the bride and groom wanted you there enough to pay for your plate? (thus reciprocating with a gift that the couple WANTS?) When you give someone a birthday present, do you not attempt to find out or figure out what the person wants? I feel sorry for some of your loved ones... you must suck at holidays. <BR><BR>For those of you who gasped and complained about this great idea, you are clearly behind the times.. (I don't even think "theknot.com" trashes this idea these days)...This is a common thing now,for many many couples (from all social classes, Miss [Bad] Manners) As some here have pointed out, many couples already have all that household stuff for which they would otherwise register. Logically, it makes perfect sense. <BR><BR>And no (and this is for you "Miss Manners.. what a joke... try "There's a Huge Stick up my Big Fat Spoiled Ass" as a name next time ), i am not a wal-mart shopping, disney-going type of person.. i am a thirty one year old attorney who makes a VERY decent living and who drives a very nice car and lives in a very nice house (not that this matters to me but i am just pre-empting the obvious attacks from "Miss [bad] Manners" ]. And no, this is not something that I am doing either.. i just think there's nothing wrong with it at all. <BR><BR>By the way Miss [Bad] Manners... I live in the Northeast, and am well aware that it is expensive to pay for a wedding.. but anyone that would spend 40K on the event (whether it be your money, or more likely, your daddy's) is clearly a spoiled brat with no sense of a dollar.. nobody needs to spend that much on an affair and you should be ashamed of yourself for that. <BR><BR>Best wishes Amy, i hope your wedding and your honeymoon are wonderful. <BR><BR>

Hey miss manners: <BR><BR>would you arrive at a birthday party empty-handed and say "My presence is your gift"? get over yourself. I doubt anyone in your life thinks YOUR presence is worth much of anything.<BR><BR>

Yeah I've gone to a couple of weddings and not given a gift. Once I travel halfway across the country, or even out of the country, to attend your wedding you've made it clear that my precense is more valuable to you than a gift. Or maybe you were hoping I'd skip the wedding and just send the gift ... ha I called your bluff then.

Dear Broke,<BR><BR>You are obviously broke in both your wallet and any social graces. The reason I had my wedding so far away was to get as far away from you as possible.

Well "broke"..<BR><BR>I feel bad for your friends. (Or then again, perhaps I should not jump to conclusions.. maybe you are just terrific company, and your presence really is that valuable.. but i doubt it) <BR><BR>I went to my good friends' wedding in Ireland from the US and would not have ever considered shafting her on the gift under any circumstance. I was honored to have been invited, and had a blast, which was worth the travel money i spent. I was pleased to give her the same gift I would have given to someone who's wedding was down the street from my house. <BR><BR>You probably leave cheap tips when dining out too. (your logic= "I spent so much on this great dinner... no need to tip!")

I think a lot of people have developed a certain attitude about weddings that may not have existed previously. The bad attitude on the part of the guest is due to brides and grooms who expect, and then judge the value of, the gift. The bride and groom have the attitude that they spent alot of money on their wedding so they "deserve" for guests to submit a gift that the bride and groom deem "acceptable". It is not possible for a guest to know the dollar amount the bride and groom spent on a wedding so it would be impossible for the guest to submit a dollar for dollar gift. Guests give gifts that they can afford. Brides and grooms should have wedding parties they can afford. Brides and grooms should remember that they are throwing a party for themselves and inviting intimates to join them in what they should believe is the celebration of their lives. The wedding is not an arrangement set up for brides and grooms to reap gits as rewards for finding their life mate. A bride should never think much less speak "I spent $$$ on each person and all I got from them was this sorry gift." Brides should humbly and graciously accept and acknowledge each gift regardless of what it's real or imagined value is. The sign of a truly mature bride is one who can do this while keeping in mind that every one of their guests is an individual with tasts that differ from her own. This is what a reurn counter is for.<BR><BR>I think every person invited to a wedding who receives an enclosure telling them where they can purchase just the right gift is annoyed at the presumption.

When my husband and I got married, we did so out of town at a resort hotel with about 75 friends and family members. Being that everyone traveled from out of town and paid their own hotel bill (groom and I paid for the reception), my groom and I requested no gifts and let this be known by our mothers. We did receive a few gifts but more importantly, the people we love most in the world were with us and that was the best gift of all.

No X, you are wrong.<BR><BR>First, as was pointed out earlier, most brides and grooms do not actualy insert the location of their registry with the wedding invitation.. most people use word of mouth. (and most guests, although doubtfully you) are courtious and interested enough in getting something NICE that they ASK where the couple is registered. <BR><BR>I would never be "annoyed at the presumption" that a couple would want me to get them something off of their registry. IN fact, I am very happy that, when I select a gift from that list, I KNOW they are going to love it. (that being said, it would be rude if all the gifts on the list were prohibitively expensive for the guests.. i do think the couple has an obligation to select items in all price ranges).... Plus I think it is easy for the guests as they don't have to think too hard about what to buy. <BR><BR>Yes I agree that people should give what they can afford but they should also remember that a wedding is a party to celebrate an event, just like an anniversary party or a birthday party.. Your presence is NOT your gift, even if you think you are top-notch cocktail party company. <BR> <BR>Personally, I try to gauge my gift by the type of affair, and even if I don't "cover" my plate, I feel good about my gift when I leave. That's what gift-giving is about. <BR><BR>

Are you confusing me with another poster? I never said you should not give a gift. Someone else said that their "presence" was present enough, not me. I was referring to the practice that has become quite common and that is including the registry information in the wedding invitation. Also the practice of judging the gift's value against the amount spent on the wedding party has become quite common. Registries are useful especially for those guests who are not as close to the the couple and want to give something appropriate. I think we can agree that the cost of a wedding has become outrageous. The bride who wants a big party and sitdown dinner is welcome to do so. When I get an invitation to this should I turn it down because I am not able to spend big bucks on a gift? I am quite certain that the couple is aware of my standard of living prior to inviting me so could not expect me to be able to match the dinner cost against the gift, dollar for dollar, so therefore should I not accept their invitation? This seems like a superficial way to establish relationships.

I don't see anything wrong with a honeymoon registry. I think that a couple who registers for a honeymoon should also register at a store so that the guests have a choice. Not everyone is comfortable with giving money or contributing to a fund. And as will all registries, the registry information should be spread by word of mouth. Any guest who is interested in buying off a registry will ask.

As I mentioned previously, I've never received an invitation that included any registry information, and don't think it's appropriate. The closest I've seen to that has been bridal shower invitations that will include the information, which I think is OK.<BR><BR>I also want to point out that in the case where a large number of guests will be coming from out of town, it is not unusual for there to be a dinner the night before for the guests (as part of the rehearsal dinner) as well as a brunch the morning after. And all this is in addition to the cost of the wedding. These events, in addition to providing a nice time to socialize, cut down on the cost the travelling guests would have to spend on meals. Sometimes, there is even transportation arranged for all the events.

I just wanted to let you all know that someone didn't say THEIR presence was someone's present.<BR><BR>She was relating an invitation story she received from someone who stated "your presence is our present". They go out like that to all guests when people do that.<BR><BR>

If someone sent out invitations that said "your presence is our present" they were in VERY poor taste. Any reference to presents including things like "no gifts please" or "in lieu of a gift, please make danation to AMke a Wish foundation" The word present or gift should should not be included in an invite period whether you are asking for gifts, telling people what to buy you or even telling them not ot buy you anything! This is in the Emily Post Wedding Etiquette guide. Personally, I have NEVER received a wedding invite that included registry information, who woul dseriously do that? It is fine to include it in the shower invite, but that is another story adn another reason.

Sadly, there are plenty of people who put registry information in with their wedding invitations. I guess that they just don't know any better or they don't care. <BR><BR>When I got married, the stores where I registered had registry cards and tried to give them to me several times so that I could put them in with the invitations. I declined the 1st couple times and then told the sales person that any mention of gifts with the invitation is not appropriate. It may be that people assume that because the store supplies them with registry cards, that putting them in with the invitations is appropriate - who knows? <BR><BR>I actually got a wedding invitation one time that had a card in it listing the stores where the couple was registered and stating that a money tree was available. I almost died! Like guests wouldn't already know that the the couple would be happy to receive cash!

The reason stores give you those registry cards is not for the wedding invites, but for the shower invites. I thought most people knew that. But you are right soem people I guess jsut don't care.<BR><BR>As I said before including registry cards or info in bridal/wedding shower invites is fine for 2 reasons. First presumably the couple or their parents are hosting/paying for the wedding so if they include mention of gifts it is very tacky and looks like they are begging for or expecting people to give them gifts. On the other hand, neither the couple nor their parents hosts the wedding/bridal shower. It is hosted by an extended family member or maid of honor, bridesamaids or friends of the bride. The couple is not hosting their own party to be greedy and get gifts. Also the whole point of a "shower" is to shower the bride with gifts and guests know they are supposed to bring them. The whole point of a wedding is NOT gifts but to celebrate the happy couple and offer congratulations. Many people congratulate them with a gift as ti is the norm these days but not neessary and certainly not the point of the wedding!