I said it already...why everyone acts like there is no 'take BDay guy to a dinner and pay for it'?

Let say if I can only afford smallest gift of all because I will have no food money tomorrow - stay home and do not party when this expense can ruin your week after all. Trust me - when I am invited to a huge paries as a member of family of 4 - I am considering it very carefully to go or not to go because this expense might not fit into my budget this month. And I have a good budget but if i just paid my cruise - sorry, Charlie, I will send a card with best wishes.

There are few types of parties you can't avoid - immediate family parties. And those should be attended properly.
I mean with dignity of participation.
And you ALL know it!!!

Well, in our case it started in Europe centuries ago.

And this is not in the same tradition as having a birthday party or group theme benefit. Not at all. It was done FOR the couple and one time only, in a loving and giving group/community effort. Weddings were never paid for totally or primarily by the bride's family, they were way too poor.

And with my students and the people I see every day that are usually just dropped into the Midwest for a couple of years- they have college loans, and are facing the highest housing costs in history. Do you remember the days when it was considered that you should use 1/4th of your paycheck towards your mortgage? That is a joke now. Many kids, even thirty year olds, have divorced parents, no one is helping much with wedding costs, but they still want a smallish and public wedding. I for one will help them celebrate and enjoy it with as many as their friends and scattered relatives- without putting themselves into worse financial deficits at their beginnings.

You do what you want, and let those of us who want to help more do the same.

JJ5: Your remark that it's funny to consider $25 as loving seems a little judgmental to me.

My grandparents gave my husband and I $25 as wedding gift. I don't think their gesture was "funny." They're retired, on a fixed income and have high medical costs. I thought the $25 gift was generous with respect to their own needs.

We certainly all have different cultural expectations, and that's fine. But to say that any gift of $25 is "funny" without reference to the culture or the spirit with which it is given seems judgmental.

well, we've definitely decided on cash and slightly upped the original estimate, and would like to give more, but yikes!! --- there seems to be another young relatives wedding on hte horizon this spring! Oh, my....
I also found out how much the parents are paying for this and all I can say is I wouldn't pay it even if I could afford it! I just think this wedding stuff is way out of hand.
Especially when I think of how much these weddings could cut into travel expenses, lol!! And the honeymoon these guys could take for that kinda dough...now that might be worth the cash...you could visit Europe, the South Pacific, the Carribbean...that's what I'd do with the dough!!!

Yes, you are probably right that it is judgmental, very slightly, but judgmental.

$25 is not the same amount of money in a restaurant, nor in service venues than it was 5 years ago. Wedding costs are WAY out of hand and have risen immensely in the last decade.

I agree that $25 isn't as much as it was in the past and weddings are certainly expensive.

I was married 7 years ago, and $25 wasn't much then. But it was a lot to my grandparents and can be a lot to other people as well.

Just a question? If the wedding were at a hotel in downtown Chicago and you had to pay for valet or parking, would you be peeved that this wasn't part of your invitation etc.? Just curious, because there are other costs that become conferred by attending weddings, especially destination weddings as well.

If someone wants to have a wedding far removed from their family and friends (i.e. a "destination wedding"), then it's good form for the couple to pay travel and lodging expenses for all the invitees.

It would be <b>unspeakably</b> rude to expect the grandparants or guests for whom it would be a hardship to choose between flying to Hawaii and going broke or not being able to be a part of this important religious ritual.

This is what the movies stars and the other super-rich do. If the couple is unwilling to do this, they simply need to host an affair that is well within their means.

Well then people are unspeakably rude, because girls' families have done this at least twice in the last two years to my parents who could afford it, but who could not fly/travel for health reasons. One I missed the ceremony as well, because we got there to the hotel but then they couldn't get to the church- too sick, too tired. These are Great-grandparents.

When you have large extended families and the bride's is as well, with divorced parents and lots of censures in their own girls' family's locations, how are you going to please everybody?

So I guess you think that these girls should have eloped or just done a small wedding somewhere the most central, since there was a least 5 Grandparents or Great-grandparents alive and wanting to go??? Or elope, but in this case they couldn't do that either, because their religious beliefs are that marriage is a sacrament and publically celebrated as a sacrament and part of their religion. And that limits the location as well, because they have to have banns read within their diocese where they are married.

And if you are the groom's parent you have little to say about the final decision, anyway. Especially if you want the couple to have a good start without animosity.

I think Nikki was the most correct.

There is a thread on the Caribbean forum where a bride is planning to spend in the millions for a destination wedding, complete with full lodging for 100 guests. I shudder to think of what it's going to cost for those people to &quot;cover their plate.&quot; ;)

From my calculations, the guests share will be $10,000 each in gifts or cash to help pay for this shindig (as stated is proper in many posts above). Thank GOD I'm not invited. :D

So the wedding I was invited to (child of a very dear friend) last year in Tampa/Clearwater area, that did not include any lodging or air fare tickets supplied to guests. Would you think that terribly rude as well? The bride's mom drove the grandparents from Chicago and put up them up on her tab. You think the guests' trips should have been paid for?

A wedding is where two people agree to the commitments of marriage in front of witnesses, one of whom is supposed to be God. Everything else is show business, showing off, and money-changing. I don't think &quot;rude&quot; is the word to describe what has happened to the modern idea of weddings -- esp. destination weddings with accounting kept between money-spent and value-received and full expectation that guests would just love to go broke spending their only vacation days at the couple's chosen venue. I think &quot;inconsiderate&quot; is closer, with hefty doses of &quot;materialistic&quot; and even &quot;greedy.&quot;

OK, if I sound angry, sorry but I'm less angry than dismayed and disgusted. LOVE going to weddings within the couples' community where the couple has clearly thought about what their <i>guests</i> (note: not clients, debtors, etc.) might enjoy as well as what expresses their own love best. I worry about the couples who think the best expression of their joy and love is obligating everyone they know to spend 'til it hurts. And you certainly don't need to be &quot;registered&quot; to be a bona fide couple, do you?

That said. If the couple doesn't seem to need money (and if they're older and have children, they'd better not), then a lovely special gift of something a little nicer than what they have is nice -- after a few years, stuff gets chipped, lost, dented, etc. -- or the gift of something they might enjoy doing together (tickets, restaurant, etc.)

My own solution is usually a silver or specially-made tray, a silver or crystal pitcher, a special edition book about something meaningful to them, or (if I trust my knowledge of their taste, though this is very tricky) a work of art.

JJ5, you wrote: &quot;&quot;So if that is true- seetheworld, GoTravel and mah1980, do you think that calling her names and doing your own &quot;classy&quot; act doesn't follow exactly the same path.

I do apologize, but I just can't understand how the pot could call the kettle black. &quot;&quot;

Where did I call anyone names? I think I wrote that it wasn't particularly tactful to talk about specific amounts of money.

This is unbelievable. This very same issue came up months ago and there was wonderful dialogue as it was revealed that different regions/cultures/religions in this grand melting pot we call the USA had VERY different expectations.

The thread started with a question on how much to spend on a gift if the reception was to be held in the backyard. I, for one, had no idea what the location of the reception had to do with ANYTHING! That thread was the first time I had ever heard of &quot;cover your plate&quot;.

There was lots of give and take and the dialogue opened up a whole new world for many of us. All without resorting to name calling.

Some of the posts in this thread are a shame.

HKP: your first paragraph is a terrific summary.

I like a lot of what HKP said too.
But now I'm feeling very tacky, here. Oh well.

&lt;&lt;<i>When you have large extended families and the bride's is as well, with divorced parents and lots of censures in their own girls' family's locations, how are you going to please everybody?</i>&gt;&gt;

Well, you're not - but you do what you can not to place undue hardship. If a fair percentage of your loved ones actually RESIDE in Italy, the Carribean or whatever, then that's a completely different story.

I, too, HATE the way weddings have become the focus and not the marriage. And I never make my gift decision based on the wedding being a 50k one or at the courthouse when considering a gift. I base my selection on how well I know the couple and what we can afford.

Frankie, you are not tacky. You are very thoughtful and caring to have asked questions before giving a gift.

Well then I wouldn't have gone to my own nephew's wedding, who is my godson- nor would have my parents. And my parents would have missed my youngest son's wedding which was 50 miles away as well, because that was extremely difficult on them.

You can talk about &quot;should&quot; until you are blue in the face, but reality of diversity/ place and intermarrying traditions changes many factors. I had a Professor in Psych. who had another word for should, but I'm not going to go there. You can only influence your own, and can not run others' choices. Putting lots of censures on the in-law relationship in the beginning is just not worth being &quot;right&quot; and &quot;justified&quot;.

Yes it is about Love and Lifetime committment.

I won't post on this subject any more- but I truly do not feel that you can say you did not gang-pile AND emphatically cheer on namecallers.

And I hope you don't have to hurt a child or close friend or vice-versa- with the absolute value system.

My goodness JJ5, talk about absolutes! Should we &quot;absolutely&quot; spend our last dollar and go wherever the blissful couple decides to go? And obviously, I wasn't talking about a &quot;destination&quot; 50 miles away -- I have no &quot;absolute&quot; radius, but there's a difference between expecting people to travel to one's hometown or a place in the next county, and expecting them to blow hundreds or thousands of dollars crossing a continent or an ocean. If the bride's from Texas and the groom's from Mass., tradition says to expect the wedding to be in Texas, where the &quot;hosts'&quot; family is. If both bride and groom have lived in Chicago for years and have most of their friends there and they're paying for the wedding, expect the wedding to be in the Chicago area BUT expect them to help family get there if they can.

Not calling you names, but calling you out on your own brand of absolutism -- of course we weren't demanding you miss any wedding not in your backyard! Just saying it's thoughtless to expect you to go to Upper Nowhere Falls at your own expense if that's not where the bride grew up and has many relatives.