Cancel trip or go forward?
 

I know I should probably be posting this on either other topics or the Europe board. But those of you who know my situation know it because of FF R&R on this board.

We're still holding our tickets for our Ireland trip for March 25th. I'd had every intention of canceling them when things were looking so grim. But, for one reason or another, just didn't. Now things are looking up a bit. And we're fast approaching the point where I have to either call a rental car company or call the airline to tell them we can't use the tickets.

We're also still waiting for our PCP's office to let us know whether my husband is going to be able to get that p.e.t. scan referral. And she had advised us not to make the appt until we knew for sure that we could get the referral. So it's unlikely that he's going to be able to get the test and have the results for at least a week.

My inclination at this point is to call the oncologist's office and explain the situation to him. Obviously, if he thinks that taking the trip could delay any tests or treatment my husband may need to have, I'll cancel immediately. I'd also like to have his take on whether he thinks the trip would be psychologically beneficial or whether he thinks we'll still be too much in limbo to be able to enjoy it.

Assuming that it won't delay tests or treatment, it seems to me there are two ways to look at it. There's the sieze the day approach; the trip is already in place, we don't know what's ahead of us, we should go and have the time of our lives. Or, we should take the loss on the tickets and figure we'll have a credit for the remainder waiting for us to take a fantastic trip when this is all behind us and we can really let loose and celebrate.

There's one other factor I probably should mention. My husband has already told me that, if we don't go on the trip, he's not going to take the week of vacation as he feels he may need the time later.

Now I realize that personalities play into all of this and none of you know my husband. But you wouldn't be here if you didn't have a great appreciation for travel. Besides the fact that you have experience with major trips and know what hassles may be involved with either decision this close to the fact.

So I'd just really appreciate hearing some opinions. One of you may have a take on all of this that hasn't even occurred to us.

Thanks!

My sympathies are with you as you undergo a very difficult time. But it sounds like you have a very good head on your shoulders and I can't think of any logical possibilities or steps to take that you've overlooked. I think you need to pursue the options you've mentioned above, starting with a good heart-to-heart with the doctor(s). God bless.

The bottom line -- of course it could be a great trip and worth every precious minute, but if it could delay treatment or stall improvements, then you wouldn't and shouldn't do it. But then, you already know that!

This is something that I really have two minds about. I can really understand your dilemma. On one hand, how much delay are we talking about if you go? Can you cut the trip short? What are the chances that much delay will actually harm him?

Then, there is also the real possibility that if you wait, his condition, in spite of treatment, will never be good enough for you two to have these memories.

One thing that might cause me to delay plans would be that should he need medical treatment in an emergency, would it be available in that area of Ireland? That would definitly make me want to wait until later. Ask his doctor about what are the chances of that happening.

CAPH52, is the trip length 7 days? Of course tell the doctor all the details and get all the feedback from him you can, but I can't help but think it was meant for you both to go.

There is no way in my mind that going now wouldn't be great for him mentally and emotionally. New things, distractions, maybe some unique relaxation- all great pluses right now.

If the doctor says ok and it puts a smile on his face, and yours- and it's only 1 week. Do it.

I don't know if the FF you referred to is me, or FrequentFlyer, but I can certainly relate to this. We had to cancel our 10th anniversary trip to Hawaii in May '05 due to my breast cancer. In our case, the trip was planned for the end of my treatment which included chemo and radiation. Since we are hikers I worried that I wouldn't have the energy to make the trip what we wanted it to be.

I don't know all the details for your situation so I can only say this. If there had been no need for chemo and radiation and our trip had been scheduled for long enough after my surgery for me to be healed, we would have gone.

However - and it's a big "however" - I would only have done so after talking it over with my oncologist and surgeon. I think you're right to call the oncologist's office and explain to him.

As for the PET scan. Here in Pensacola it usually takes more than a week after the referral is okayed to get the Scan. Ask your husband's oncologist about that as well. It would be a shame to cancel your trip because you think it would interfere with his getting the scan only to have the scan eventually be scheduled for after you would have gotten back. (I hope that makes sense.)

You said your husband has indicated he won't take the week off if you cancel the trip. If this is because he's worried that he won't have enough sick leave without that week, you two need to talk about that. You don't want to go on this trip and have it be in the back of his mind that he shouldn't have used the days and have that spoil his trip.

Talk to the oncologist and determine if taking the trip is physically harmful. If not, then you and your husband have to decide whether the trip is a positive or a negative psychologically and emotionally.

I still regret having to cancel our Hawaii trip since I'd put almost a year into planning it. But that's me. You may feel differently about it, as may your husband.

Sorry this is so long, but I just wanted to let you know I certainly understand your situation and I hope I've helped in some way.

Whatever you decide, I send my prayers your way.

FF

CAPH, I'm so sorry you have this dilemma. Yes, call the oncologist's office and explain the situation. I can't offer more than that, except to send you good wishes.

Thanks so much for all of the responses, guys! I really appreciate the input.

Yes, JJ5, the trip is a week, leaving on Saturday, returning Friday. Given all the circumstances, I too am inclined to believe that this trip was meant to be. And that the break would do my husband a world of good.

Actually, FF, the FF I was referring to is Freaky Friday Rants and Raves. I've been posting about my husband's illness since this past June. So the Fodorites who follow that thread every week know the whole saga! But I really appreciate your sharing your experience with me.

Which leads me to another point, my husband is, without a doubt, right now feeling the best he's felt for at least a year. At least physically! It's been, I think, 6 weeks since his last chemo (the end of January). The fatigue is melting away, his appetite is coming back, etc. So I can't help wondering whether we shouldn't do this now, while he feels good. Yes, if all goes well, he's going to feel even better as time goes by. But, unfortunately, the situation is still too up in the air to be sure of that.

My husband left for work a few minutes ago and, as he was leaving, I told him I'm thinking about calling the dr. He doesn't think I should. He thinks that, without the p.e.t. scan results, I'm asking the dr to give me answers he doesn't have. I understand what he means but don't see it that way. For one thing, the dr told us Monday that, at this point, he thinks that even if the next p.e.t. scan shows something, as long as the other tests stay negative, he thinks we should wait. And then there's the fact that, at this point, we may not have the p.e.t. scan results before we have to make a decision about the trip. But I guess I'll hold off at least until tomorrow in hopes that we'll hear something about the referral.

Oh, and FF, I don't think sick time is too much of an issue. It's more that he doesn't want to "waste" the vacation time just sitting at home.

CAPH: Hugs and prayes to you. My daughter's dear friend had Hodgkins that recurred 2x. Her oncologists always worked around things she was looking forward to. They wanted her to be as happy and normal as possible to help fight the cancer. The good news is she had a stem cell transplant over 3 years ago and has been cancer free since then. Good luck to you in whatever you decide.

AuntAnnie, can't begin to tell you how much I love to hear those survival stories! Thanks for sharing that with me! And for your good wishes.

OH Caph52, I didn't want to ask too much about how he was feeling physically. Now I would say unequivocally, GO. It was meant to be.

Mental and emotion well- being are as important in healing and health as all the purely chemical and physical cures are. Waiting for another shoe to drop gets to be a habit- and it will not change one thing to be gone for 7 days. If he feels well enough, he will be well enough. His energy, appetite etc. are all great indicators.

My sister has her last long multi-chemo a week from tomorrow. After that she has 12 weeks of an easier chemo every week, after that more radiation. There are plateaus between each level of treatments for everyone when the going is better than others. She's going to go to MI and see some new things in one of them with me.

It's just 7 days and at this point in the entire picture- it's better to go and not think so much. Sometimes we do the best when we "instinct" it and don't go entirely with the practical and cerebral. It was meant to be a special time. Enjoy it.

Hi Caph, my heart goes out to you and your husband. I've never been in your situation so I can only imagine what you are going through right now but I want you to know that I admire your strength and courage.

Your husband is feeling strong, his appetite is back--if it were me I would get on the horn with the oncologist, run everything by him and solicit his feedback then based on what he says make my decision. I would want to take advantage of every opportunity to continue with life as "normally" as possible including taking that trip to Ireland!

Blessings to you and your husband. I hope that you find the answers you are looking for.

Caph, I didn't have time to read all of the other posters trip reports? But I say GO GO GO GO GO !!! If your husband is feeling the best he has ever, than GO!! One week is not going to make a difference. It is even better if he does not know test results before you go. I think you should both go and enjoy a wonderful week. If the news is good when return, than book a trip for next year as an anniversary celebration! If the news is not so good, than you had a wonderful trip. I hope and pray that your husband fully recovers. If you don't go, you may truly regret not having that time away from all of this sickness stuff. Many blessings.

Thanks again, JJ5. As I said before, I'm inclined to see it the way you do. I'm not at all sure my husband does. But he tends to be more pessimistic and sometimes needs a little "push"! I think he's afraid he may be too mentally fatigued to enjoy the trip. I suspect that the trip may be a wonderful "treatment" for his mental fatigue!

Also, being a firm believer in fate, there are just so many circumstances surrounding this trip that make me think we're meant to go.

The tickets for this trip were a gift from my brother so that we can join them on a trip, the timing of which is very serendipitous to begin with! As I explained on another thread some time ago, one of my brothers is presenting a paper in Dublin. The other brother told me several months ago that it looked like the conference might wind up being around the time of his spring break. He said that if it worked out that way, he planned to meet brother number 1 in Ireland so they could travel after the conference.

Well, a couple of days before Christmas, brother number 2 called to say that the timing was right and that he'd just bought tickets for himself and his girlfriend. He then offered to buy tickets for us if we wanted to go.

It just so happened that the week they were going was spring break for our son and me too. (Very often our spring break isn't the same week as my brother's.) And my husband had already arranged to take that week off! Our daughter's college spring break is the week before ours. So she was going to fly out and we were going to drive her back.

And then there's the fact that our flights are from O'Hare to Boston with a layover there and then on to Shannon. And the reverse on return. Well, our daughter goes to school in Massachusetts. And American said she can leave the flight in Boston.

So you can see that there's so much about this trip that just seemed to almost magically fall into place.

My husband was reluctant from the beginning. As I said, he tends to be somewhat pessimistic. And he knew that the timing would be close to his post-chemo tests. But his mother persuaded him that he should go for it. So we got the tickets.

Two weeks ago, when we got the bad news and it looked like he would be having a bone marrow transplant, he tried to persuade me that the kids and I should still go. I would never dream of doing that! But something held me back from making that call to cancel the tickets. And right now, I'm awfully glad it did!

This may all still fall apart. But it just feels like too many coincindences.

Before I first posted I searched your name and saw all the Freaky Friday Rants and Raves and it never dawned on me that that's the FF R&R you meant. Perhaps if I didn't sign my posts FF and hadn't gone through the cancer thing, which I had mentioned here on Fodor's, it would have.

All that aside, now that I know the situation better, I agree with JJ5 - GO!

I know for me, getting away - even though it was only a weekend in NO to celebrate my step-daughter's 30th - was a form of medicine itself. A good form and I wasn't even through with the chemo yet. I felt "normal" again. And that I was in charge of my life for the first time in half a year.

If he thinks he can handle it physically, then I say, "Do it." The emotional and psychological boost it will give you both to not have to "give up" something more because of this disease will be worth it. Not to mention the joy you would have gotten from the trip had none of this other ever happened.

FF

JJ5, I forgot to add that, of course, all my best wishes to your sister. I'm glad that she's going to be able to get over to Michigan with you.

And thanks again to everyone for your responses and good wishes. Not sure how that trip report got in the middle of this. The poor poster is probably never going to be able to figure out what happened to it!

It certainly seems like the overwhelming advice is to go for it!

Well, the trip report is gone. Did anyone else see it? Or is my mind playing tricks on me?

CAPH, you have gotten some good counsel on this board. I would like to add something. Seeing the memorials to Dana Reeves this week has reminded me (again) of the lessons I learned when dealing with serious illness. Be grateful for the good days and live them fully. There are no guaranteed tomorrows. Go, love him with all your heart and have a wonderful time. If (and I pray he won't) he does have more challenges him down the road, he will have wonderful memories of a special time with his loving wife to bouy his spirits and lift his soul! Have a wonderful time. Peace.

Well, I am one of those who seizes the day if at all possible and considering you are talking about being gone for only a week, I think you should go ahead with your plans..as you are going ahead with your lives..which will be long and healthy and spent together.
Much good luck to you both.
Scarlett
Step-aunt to a boy, now a man, who had Hodgkins and is fine today.

If the Dr. says he can physically go, and it wouldn't impact/delay his treatment then I would also say GO.

I know everyone is different, and not knowing your husband, but I will tell you this: my friends husband had been battling cancer/treatments/etc and she planned in an 'interim break' a week trip to Europe. Husband was on the fence. It was, as he will tell you today (healthy and vibrant) that it was the best thing she did - going forward with the trip.

She had hesitated initially but her attitude was he is alive, he is going to be alive, we are going to live now, as everyone always should, because as she had learned you never know what is around the corner.

On their return, he said it was a big boost to his outlook on many things: he felt 'alive' and that he wasn't "on hold" - having felt so much of his life had recently been on hold during treatments, appointments, waiting for tests, wiating for the dr's calls - that it was a break from all of that and a feeling of 'yes, I live and I will live' which he felt helped his emotional feelings immensely.

He felt 'normal' - yes, he was a bit tired here or there and they might have taken things a bit slower or rested a bit more than they might have under different circumstances, but soaking in the travel, dinners, sites, he felt rejuvenated in many ways.
He felt not only that life goes on, but that he was part of it and not observing from the sidelines which, for him, made a huge difference in his individual mental attitude about many things.

Sometimes a new environment, a new experience, is a good thing for someone (both of you) who have been struggling with what you have. It was a gift for us, his friends, to see him return and have something exciting to talk about and share, something to focus conversations on for a bit, other than when his next appointment was or having that sort of hover in the air - he was so happy when he came back, it was the greatest joy for us listening to his tales of the trip and seeing the photos of the two of them having such a nice time away from everything they had been dealing with.

Best wishes and prayers for you and yours.

Hello, my friend. I can't say much that hasn't already been said. Get the green light from the drs. and GO!! Please let us know what you dedide, and many hugs to you.

Claro, buen viaje!
M

No, you didn't imagine the trip report. I saw it too. It was alos in another thread. I reported it to Fodor's. DOn't know if that had anything to do with it's disappearance, but I'm glad that straightened out.

Now that I've read your most recent post and have all that info, I think could well be the trip of a lifetime. I do hope you go.

FF

Hi Caph, as usual you're received some excellent advice from the fodor family. And i echo their thoughts; if you get the ok from the doc, by all means GO. It could be the best 'therapy' yet!

The week will go by so quickly and remember, you'll have so many of us thinking of you each day and praying. You'll likely have the time of your life! Hugs to you both.

I hope you're able to go and have a wonderful time.

Surely, Guinness and whiskey will only do you both good! :)

Caph, I think your 4th post on this thread answers your own question - GO!

Thank you all for sharing your wisdom and support! You've brightened my day immensely! How would I ever have gotten through these past few months without Fodor's?!!

CAPH2,

Speaking as a cancer survivor, and married to a cancer survivor, I know if I were the patient, I would want to make the decision, and without pressure to go one way or the other. When I was facing pathology reports, sometimes I just couldn't focus on anything else and actually didn't want to. It would be pretty hard to describe to anybody how much noise was going on in my head. I certainly never wanted to feel like I was running out of time, and that I couldn't postpone things or that if I didn't do something right away, I might not be able to do it a few months later.

Also, I often found dealing with relatives the most difficult thing about both my own and my husband's cancer. The relatives would sometimes be inappropriately emotional. It's great if your husband would get a lot out of seeing everybody, but he's entitled to skip this event if he suspects it just wouldn't work for him.

It's great that you are so open about what's going on in your head, because I'm sure your husband doesn't want to make this decision without your input. You can share with him what the travel mavens here on Fodo's say -- but that's who we are: people who love travel so much they are always are looking forward to the next trip. But that's just one point of view. A lot of people love and need the reassurance of the familar and their work and routines when they are dealing with illness. Travel is less important to them.

When my father had cancer, my mother had planned a big anniversary trip for them to take, which he ultimately asked to cancel. My mother, who had never been sick a day in her life, really had a hard time understanding why he didn't at least make the effort. He couldn't explain it, but I understood how he felt. His body was asking him to take it easy, and as much as he loved anniversary celebrations (and my mother) he felt it was everybody's best interests to sit that one out. My mom finally got it and it all turned out OK.

My own husband has a rule that he lives by that I really appreciate. It's that he never makes a decision because of an externally imposed deadline. We were once tempted to buy a beautiful house we weren't totally sure was the right one but we knew it would go to anotther buyer is we didn't make up our mind within 48 hours. We told ourselves that was no basis for a wise decision. We ended up in a great house in a totally different town (close to the airport! Yay!) and we're glad we didn't rush into that other house.

So having air tickets and car rental with "fixed" dates isn't a reason to jump for taking a trip your husband hasn't told you he wants to take. You should go if your husband wants to go. I don't think that's oversimplifying the situation.

Best wishes!

Nessundorma, thank you so very much for taking the time to give me another perspective on this whole thing. What you say makes a lot of sense and gives me a lot to think about.

There's the inclination to think that a break from a bad situation has to be a good thing. But I certainly understand your point that sometimes it just isn't possible to take a "mental break". After all, there's no running away from it.

I guess I still feel that he needs a break. But you've made me realize that even if *he* feels he needs one, that doesn't mean he's going to be able to do it. However, I also keep remembering how often lately he's told me that he's having so much trouble staying focused at work.

Speaking only of my own feelings, not his, I guess that after reading your post I'm torn between thinking that this is something we need to do now, while he's feeling good and our kids are still "home" or thinking that we need to postpone it in the hopes that, a few months or a year from now, we'll be able to do it under better circumstances. (Which I guess is just another way of phrasing what I said in my original post!)

I certainly understand your point about making decisions because of deadlines. And I think that it's probably very often a good rule. But there are also times when not jumping on an opportunity leads to regret.

I called the oncologist's office a few minutes ago and left a message for him. Maybe I shouldn't have. But, after all, if he says the timing is wrong, then that's our answer. So we may as well deal with that first.

And, nessundorma, I do very much understand your point that this has to be his decision. Thank you for reminding me of that.

Good thoughts and prayers are with you both. Hope the decision becomes clearer. Whatever you decide together will be the right decision.

Hello, CAPH52,

I am new here and hesitated before saying anything, but as (yet another) survivor I would have said exactly what Nessundorma so eloquently expressed. It really is his decision, and depends a lot upon his mental state. I know when I was facing tests and diagnosis, there was a black curtain in front of me, blocking my way toward anything like a trip. It would not have cheered me up or distracted me from the worry. In my experience, the "seize the monent" inclination comes after the diagnosis, when you know what you have to deal with. Before that, the uncertainty just tears you up. Even if you believe you are doing what might be best for him, only your husband can say. I apologize if this makes it more difficult for you.

Hello dear CAHPH. Just read your thread and all the good thinking posts. I am glad you called the Dr's office and no doubt, however the conversation goes when the Dr calls you back, it will help you and your husband make the proper decision.

As much as I love to travel there have been a few times that it has not been right for me and people trying to push me to travel, all with good intentions of course, only caused me more stress. I didn't take the trips and was so glad I didn't.

And there have been a few times I "pushed" myself and was so glad I did get away even though various events beforehand had me thinking it was not the right time to travel.

I do know that a family member by marriage would travel inbetween chemo treatments and did get so much out of her trips. She did take it easier of course (a midday nap) while her spouse did some sightseeing on his own.

I am sure between you and your dear husband you will make the right decision after you receive the Dr's opinions. My very best to you and your husband.

Hi CAPH :)

I'm glad you called the doctor.

It's a decision that you will both need to make together. I will pray for clarity and that you will both feel in your hearts what is best the best thing to do.

Thanks again. I really appreciate everyone sharing their experiences and their good wishes.

For right now, I'm just gonna sit tight and wait for the doctor to call.

Clarity is definitely what I need!

I think this trip has become the new cell phone. And so as not to be rude, I'll explain that remark -- a couple of weeks ago I was obsessing about my lost cell phone because it was easier than worrying about my husband's test results.

Hello dear CAPH ~ The wisdom of the advice that you have received is bountiful and heartfelt. I will add that you all as always are in my thoughts and I send you strength!

You and your DH, along with his physician will know in your hearts what is best. You are amazing.

((L)) Tiff

CAPH52,

I'm glad to see I didn't inadvertantly say something that was just the wrong thing.

I certainly appreciate the complexity of all your feelings and the conflicting, unresolved thoughts. Just don't let the thought of "losing" money trick you into thinking everything has to be decided today or tomorrow or even by March 24.

Have you looked at it this way:

If you don't get on the plane, it won't cost a dime more than if you do get the plane. You've already spent that money. The tickets are bought, and all you ever really wanted from spending that money was an enjoyable time with your husband. Maybe now you'd rather spend that enjoyable time at home rather than in Ireland, where your husband may not be having a good time. No point is insisting on "using" the tickets just to use them if they aren't going to get you want you really want.

The airlines can't take away your reservations. You don't owe it to the rest of the world to free up the seats on the plane. Those are your tickets, so take as long as you and your husband need to think it over.

I hope March brings you and your husband many moments of mutual joy with each other, whether it's at home or abroad!

I can't add anything. Like Tiff said, everyone has spoken from their hearts. Just know whatever you both decide, it will be the right decision.


Many Hugs,
OWJ

PS Caph,

What I was really trying to say is that you once before almost cancelled this trip and decided not to, even though you knew that maybe you might end up not going at the last minute. So take the chance again. Hold on to the tickets as long as you need for things to get clear. They may get clear tomorrow. Even fi tomorrow you decide to go, you could sprain YOUR ankle and have to cancel!

If you end up not going, you're not any further behind than if you'd cancelled months ago. In both cases you were right to not let the ups and downs of the medical situation cause you to make a decision prematurely.

Nessundorma's posts got me thinking that maybe I should call American and find out just exactly what our situation was in regard to cancellation. I'd assumed that it would be a situation where we'd pay a fee and keep the "account" at American to be used later. Turns out that, with our particular tickets and fare, with a doctor's letter, we're eligible for a full medical refund! She said that as long as we cancel before the flight actually takes off, we'll have up to a year after to apply for the refund. And that would apply to all four of the tickets.

So that eases my mind about making the decision within the next few days. And, although I was fine with losing the fee for canceling, it's certainly better not to have to pay it!

CAPH, the information you received from American has to take some pressure off of you..that is good news!!

Caph--I don't have anything to add that hasn't already been said, but just wanted to let you know that I am still thinking about you and your family. I hope you get to speak to the doctor today and can make a decision. You know that whenever you take this trip, we are all going to be so excited to hear about it!