Top Three Foreign Travel Tips...
 

From the Onion:

1. Many people in foreign countries do not speak English. You may need to speak louder and/or slower in order to make yourself understood.

2. When traveling through Europe, remind everyone that, if not for America, they would all be speaking German. (Note: Does not work in Germany.)

3. If you see Karl Malden ominously narrating before a camera while you are checking into a hotel, keep an extra close eye on your credit cards. A commercial may be being filmed with you as the subject/victim.

Always ask, in a very impatient and loud voice, if the joint is classy enough to serve real american coffee. Tell them not to try and serve any fake stuff and make darn sure the cup is super-sized or there will be hell to pay.

1. Always speak loudly in public places and don't worry about what you say because no one understands English.

2. Do not feel obliged to conform to other people's manners and customs. You are the paying customer, so screw 'em if they can't take a joke.

3. Anything that is different from what you are used to at home is obviously WRONG, and these people will only make progress if you tell them so. After all, you didn't travel all this way just to be inconvenienced, did you?

Be sure to bump the waiter on the head with your big backpack when you enter.

Because I like to be helpful to others, I make a point of sharing information about how things, all things, are done in the USA.

LOUD is good!!! The louder you speak, the more they understand. If they still don't seem to understand, throw in a few hand gestures. ((b))

Man I love how the many self righteous posters on this board!

US

1. Take your own toilet paper.

2. Demand "pepperoni pizza," and call the manager to complain if it comes with "peperoni" on it.

3. Insist on a full explanation of Euro "dollars."

4. If the tour bus looks like it's just about to take off and leave you behind after you've visited the Eiffel tower, hurry up and whip out your dictionary and look up the words you need and yell as loudly as you can: "Je suis gauche derrière!"

Always make an extra special effort to eat in a place smart enough to have a menu printed in proper english.

You don't want any nasty surprises when the tiny plate of super expensive food finally arrives at your little table that is engulfed in smoke.

This thread reminds me a lot of the Biblical passage about the Pharisee who prays thanking God that he isn't like the riff raff.

Interesting

US

ALWAYS walk across the train tracks to make your connection. After all, you're on vacation - YOU don't need to follow the masses down the stairs and through those tunnels!

Also, look for restaurants that have pictures of menu items so you won't be surprised.

Take a roll of quarters with you. The bathroom babes love U.S. coins. ((b))

To make sure that there is no misunderstanding always ask, "How much is that in real money?".

Marilyn, I am laughing soooo loudly, almost rolling on the floor.....

"Always speak loudly in public places and don't worry about what you say because no one understands English."

That statment brought back such vivid memories for me...
In 1984 I took my first trip to Israel and took my very conservative mother-inlaw along. We were sitting in our Jerusalem hotel lounge, quietly having coffee and minding our own business, when in marched a large group of American teenagers. They were with an adult male who as far as we could tell was a counselor of some sort. They proceeded to have a very LOUD session, sharing their past sexual experiences and how they felt about what had happened. There was not a hint of shyness in any of them, and they spoke as if they were the only people in the room. WOW! I think my mom inlaw learned a few things that day! haha!

Take uncle_sam along with you so his sour-puss face will scare some respect in to the snotty little waiters.

I always notice when people refer to the Brits, Japanese, Jamaicans as driving on the "wrong" side of the road.

I remember before moving to England, my mother telling me "don't you ever say that they drive on the "wrong" side of the road. It is the "other" side."

And be sure to convey your thanks to the chef. Even though your food didn't taste exactly the same way it does at home, you sure do appreciate his valiant efforts.

It's rude to greet the shopkeeper when you enter, as they don't want to be bothered. Don't smile or make eye contact because that would be considered insulting. Just start pawing thru the merchandise until you find what you are looking for.

Once you pay, never say "thank you" or "good-bye" as that would also be insulting the shopkeeper. ((b))

Throw a hissy fit when the ignorant hotel staff forgets to bring out a huge platter of bacon, eggs and greasy hash browns.

Take several rolls (especially if there are only a few left) and the best pieces of fruit with you so as not to have to pay for lunch later on

Hi, everyone, these posts were funny and made me laugh. I have traveled a lot in Latin America, but very little in Europe. I was wondering, if indeed you have seen a lot of rude behavior by Americans? Because in my travels in South America, I really have not seen Americans behaving poorly. I was just wondering if you guys observe poor behavior a lot? thanks, stan

I think in South America they slit your throat for rude behavior. ((b))

First thing to do, is complain because no one speaks English.

First thing you do is not travel with the perfect, self righteous people on this thread...one faux paus and they'll toast you!

But it is very interesting watching them act like euros as they make fun of their own fellow Americans!

Ah yes, to be erudite and perfect once again, the sheer joy of it!

uS

Just to depart from the American in Europe theme for a while:

1. Visit the USA for the first time, and plan to spend Saturday in NYC, sunday in Washington DC, Monday in San Francisco, and Tuesday at the Grand Canyon.

2. Take a trip to Mexico. Brush your teeth with bottled water, but demand ice cubes in all your drinks.

Humbug, uncle sam. Have a glass of Chateauneuf and lighten up. This thread is great spoof. ((b))

Now, just hold on a minute.

Outside of the UK, I'm not supposed to order tea in the morning, because that contradicts the edict of respecting European customs, to wit, that they don't as a rule drink tea. I'm also told on another thread that it is equally incorrect to order Cappuccino in the afternoon, and now on this one, to order American coffee at any time.

At this rate I'll wind up drinking wine. Drinking wine gets me drunk, getting drunk makes me loud, getting drunk and loud makes me in desperate need of a sobering shot of caffeine...

Folks, you're going to have to help me out here, or you'll have only yourselves to blame when a loud woman is heard demanding, in slurred words that may or may not be English, a coffee mid-afternoon on the Piazza Navona....

RE: sue_xx_yy

I may have seen you last year - are you the big blonde gal who fell in the fountain and they needed a tow truck to get her out?

Sue, you sound like you'd be fun to travel with. Have another glass of wine. ((b))

Fill your water bottle from the water on your table - which happens to be the same water that comes from the tap - then ask for more water.

1) Wear your baseball cap backwards to look more like a local.

2) When on the bus, get up suddenly, lean WAY over the people seated opposite you so you can get a better view out the bus window and yell out in your sweetest voice: "HEY, HOWARD! LOOK! There's the Eiffel Tower [or the Vatican or whatever]!" Do not forget to bonk a local on the head with your very large purse as you are leaning over him.

3) Carry only essentials in your large purse, like your hair dryer. Make sure that when you plug in your hair dryer in those "old Europe" wall plugs that you can blow every fuse in the hotel.

:) Happening every day, folks...

Always be rude and dismissive when dealing with the "little people" - cab drivers, hotel employees, waiters, etc. After all, you're an Amrican/Candaian/German, etc, rich enough to travel and these people are lucky to serve you.

Poor little Degas..you just don't get any respect from the help, do you?

And dont forget to shout :Garcon , garcon I want my bill, in a quiet, classy restaurant in France...

RE: Intrepid

The best luck I had getting some serious respect from the hired help was when I taped a $20 bill to my forehead.

I found out real quick they could all speak English, smile, and find my check in record time.

Tips for the Great Unwashed:

1. DO NOT stand up in a pub in Surrey, no matter how much the bet or how many pints of Newcastle, and loudly announce, "Her Majesty does the Nasty with the Earl of St. Andrews whilst the Duke of Edinburgh takes lovely photos."

2. DO NOT have dinner at Taillevent in Paris and ask the waiter, "Are there free refills on the Coke?"

3. DO NOT query loudly to your husband whilst walking through the Gucci shop in Milan, "Why should I pay 300 Euros for that handbag when I could buy the same thing from the black man on the corner for 10?"

1. After a good sneeze into your hand, squeeze all the fruit, until you find than ONE piece that seems perfect...
2...Then pay for it with a 100 euro bill.
3.Since the food is so plain in Italy, get a very large bowl from the waiter so that you can mix the pasta, vegetables and meat all together.

1. Be incensed when the shopkeeper doesn't take American money. After all, we would certainly understand being given lira or francs at home!
2. Grow very impatient when the waiter doesn't bring the check as quickly as at Denny's.
3. Don't even try to speak the local language. You would probably just muck it up, and besides, they should be speaking yours!

1. Order Fettucini Alfredo and Ceasar salad in every Italian restaurant. Just because they are American/Mexican dishes respectively, does not mean you should not be able to order them when abroad.

2. Carry your own NO SMOKING sign to rest upon your table.

3. Eventhough Almaden is not on their winelists does not mean they aren't keeping the good stuff for themselves.

I have but one question...why is Uncle_Sam reacting as though all of you were spying on him while traveling?? :)

>> 2. Grow very impatient when the waiter doesn't bring the check as quickly as at Denny's

Don't they make you pay upfront? ;-)