How do you deal with relatives and friends who are jealous of your traveling?
 

One sad part (or difficult I should say) with travel is dealing with relatives or others who are jealous or nasty because we travel. My mother-in-law just **hates** that we travel and complains about it endlessly. She goes on and on about how we waste our money and how we should have had children to spend money on instead of wasting it on "something stupid" like trips. <BR>She insists my husband call her every 3 days when we are on foreign trips and every night when we travel in the USA. She complains that we don't get her nice enough presents on our trip. She asks me over and over "what is wrong with your life that you want to escape it all the time"? It doesn't matter what I say, it never gets through to her. She also insists my husband take her on weekend trips without me at least twice a year (which he does) but even on those she's full of complaints about how he doesn't show her things that are as interesting as the things he and I see on our trips. I also have trouble with my 3 best friends with our trips.....one never mentions them and shows no interest in them no matter where we go so instead I listen to her talk about her crafts and we go to movies with no mention of our month in Sweden at all. Another friend seems to feel he must top any trip we take....so if we get back from 2 weeks in Bali then a month later he leaves for 3 weeks in Burma with a flood of postcards coming my way. This has happened every year for the past 8 years now. I wish I knew people I could talk to about travel like people on this board talk to each other. I listen to my friend above talk at great length about his trips but he has never asked me one thing about our trips.

Make new friends. The current ones don't seem to be doing what "friends" do. Once you have the friends, ignoring the miseerable mother-in-law will be easier. Possible places to make friends who travel, or who are at least curious about others' travels: Take foreign language classes in adult school or night classes at local community college or "Greek school" at a Greek church or Chinese lessons at some Chinese culture club for teenge children of immigrants, do volunteer work in projects that attract either highly educated people or very "ethnic" types, take international folkdancing lessons &/or participate in a folkdance group, take photography classes in adult school, as a last resort move to a job with more intereting people &/or a town that may have more intereting people, and first and last, look at yout own behavior and change if needed.

I received mostly positive comments about my recent trip but mostly because I was going "solo". <BR>There were actually many people I did not tell about the trip and only mentioned it once I returned. <BR>This saved me from some of those remarks. <BR>

You have to be very careful when talking about your travels. Some people don't understand that it is like any other hobby or priority - you are just choosing to spend your money differently (ie. not on boats, cars, furniture, jewelry). With regards to your friend who talks about his travels but never asks about yours, I would show more of an interest and I bet he starts to become more interested in your trips. I know which of my relatives and friends appreciate and like to travel, and I talk about our plans and adventures with them. With the others, I only mention our travels when it is necessary or if they ask.

your husband is letting his mother have too much control over your lives and needs to stand up to her. Unfortunately, only he can do that. I would NEVER take a parent away with me for a weekend who treated my spouse like that.

YOU should continue to travel especially overseas while you are young and able too do so remeber that europe is not that ( handicapped accessible)if you know what I mean ! like here in the states you can explore the U.S. by bus in you latter years . Find new friends or have them travel with you. They may catch the travel fever like you guys did and could appreciate your travles more.

Right on, Anna! Couldn't have said it better myself.

We can't choose our family but we can choose our friends... <BR> <BR>I wouldnt go as far as recommended you drop your current friends (though I would reevaluate what you get out of each relationship - as friendship should be a two way thing). <BR> <BR>I would say get some new friends... <BR> <BR>Few of my friends are into travel in the way that I am. Most do enjoy their annual holidays but are not obsessed as I am, nor do they spend the time researching that I do... <BR> <BR>But nearly all show an interest in my travels not because they are really interested in the travel itself but because they are my friends and are interested in me... if it is something inportant to me, as they know it is, then it is important enough for them to ask about it. <BR> <BR>Some just ask, and let me know they hope I enjoy the next trip, others might take it further and ask more about the trip, ask to see photos. But pretty much all are supportive of my passion... <BR> <BR>Friendship is surely about accepting each other, supporting each other's needs and interests, and having fun. In my opinion it isnt about competing to out do one another, or about only sharing those parts of your lives where you have identical interests. <BR> <BR>As for the MIL, hard to comment, but depending on how strongly you feel and how much it upsets you, it might be worth talking through this again iwht your husband, and stating how she makes you feel. As for the trips he takes her on without you - sounds to me it would be better for you to just enjoy that peaceful few days alone without them, as the only other solution is for you to join them!!! <BR> <BR>I hope you can find some new friends to share your passion with, and remember you always have the friends on this board... <BR> <BR>If an email friendship counts, feel free to make me an email pal, [email protected] - take out the MOOs. <BR> <BR>Kavey

While my friends ask about my upcoming trips, they aren't really interested in travel and don't share my passion. My husband and I wanted to expand our circle of friends to meet other couples who loved to travel. With this goal, my husband contacted the travel editor of our local paper and told him we wanted to start a travel group. The editor thought it was a good idea and mentioned it in the Sunday paper and we had 55 people at our first meeting. Our travel group meets every 6 weeks for a buffet lunch, socializing and a presentation about some aspect of traveling. The group has evolved into a smaller, more intimate group of about 30 people and it's been fun to share experiences with like minded people of all ages. In fact, we met several couples that we socialize with now and plan to travel with to Italy next year if all goes well. It's turned out to be alot of fun. Denise - maybe you could do something like this in your hometown. Also, if anyone reading this lives in South Florida (Broward County) and would like more information, please e-mail me. Karen

To the top!

The jealousy might come from the perception that overseas travel is only for the rich and that describing a journey to Italy or France might be akin to bragging to a person who thinks this way. <BR> <BR>Some people might assume that you are staying in 5 star properties and eating 3 star meals every night. I remember not that many years ago visiting a relative in Paris--I was not getting along with him well and looked at several hotels to which I could escape if the need had arisen--and I was surprised by the quantity of nice, inexpensive accomodations, not just the Crillons and Ritzs that I perceived I would have to stay in. <BR> <BR>I recently had a conversation with a person and stated that even 25 years ago going off to Europe was a rare experience for most Americans; with the decline of air fares in the early 1980s it became feasible for people of moderate means to fly to, say, London and spend the weekend for not much more than a long weekend in Florida. Some people don't realize this (just like some people consider long-distance phoning to be extravagant, and don't realize that the cost of a phone call is about 1/20 of what it was 20-30 years ago.

Some of my friends are not interested in hearing alot about my travels and I am not interested in hearing alot about their kids. We are still good friends. <BR>Maybe you listen too much.

As with most things in my life I decide what things are worth my energy and which things aren't. If these are friends and family that you adore and want to keep in your life, I'd find out a little more about what is going on with them (except for your mother-in-law - I don't think her comments are about travelling at all. 'Solving' her/your problems are in a completely different category of effort). Sometimes friends/family are afraid that you will change if you travel - and you usually do - and then you won't want them around anymore. So they strike first, or feign indifference. When this happened to me I worked out a way for us to go on a trip together - it was only overnight and we had a ball. As we did more mini-holidaying together we had more to talk about, which influenced other friends, as well. Sometimes ppl are just not interested as the previous writer said, and that's fine. It's hard when you've seen/learned/experienced something incredible to realize that some people couldn't care less, but that's the way the world is (the analogy with hearing other people's children is a good one). Although I've often found with these people that they are still interested in 'new' experiences whether trying out a new restaurant, backpacking, spending a day in a used book store, wandering through showhomes - you can use this as the basis of great conversations about learning new things wherever they are. If they aren't people I adore/want to have in my life I don't worry about it. Life is way too short and there's a seat-sale to Jamaica leaving next Friday.

Denise: <BR> <BR>No doubt you've got quite a burden with the MIL, but at least you can take comfort in the fact that a lot of the rest of humanity have annoying relatives as well, so welcome to the human race. <BR> <BR>I've got two teens myself but I really take my hat off to you childfree couples out there who have to put up with the kind of comments and pressure your MIL is laying on. Just deal with it as best you can and, as other posters said, try to gravitate toward other travel minded people. At least you can hang out around here! <BR> <BR>

I have the opposite problem. My friends all want to hear about my travels and then they WANT TO GO WITH ME on the next trip. I have taken 3 trips with friends and had a good time but they don't travel they way I like to. They expect me to plan the entire trip, herd them like cattle from sight to sight, do all the driving, make all the reservations and keep them entertained. I don't mind doing this but two weeks of, "Okay, now that we've seen the Eiffel Tower, we're off to The Louvre and The Musee D'Orsay" gets a little tiring especially when I know none of them have any interests other than the usual tourist spots. I find myself wondering if I should have packed a floral parasol as we meander through Piazza San Marco. I won't even get into the little idiosyncracies that pop up 5000 miles from home. So this year, after I get back from Poland and Romania I am going to concoct some dreadful tales of gypsies, hoof & mouth disease, blood thirsty vampires and anything else I can think of so my friends will think twice before wanting to join my next junket.

I always find it amusing that other people know what's best for me; sure, if I complain or ask for advice, they have a right to give me their opinions. <BR> <BR>My stock response for "friends" who tell me how I should do things: I open my purse, hand them my checkbook, address book and wallet and say "here, you can run my ENTIRE life; if I don't get to pick out what parts I want to handle, neither can YOU." That usually shuts 'em up real fast. <BR> <BR>Djah ever notice the people who offer the most advice have lives that could stand improvement?

I am continually surprised (though I shouldn't be by now) at how uninterested other people are in the trips we take. Maybe some of it is jealousy, though I try to downplay any glamour & expenses of the trip, and the people who know us well know that we're not keeping up with the Jones's in other ways, to support our travel interests. But I think part of it is lack of interest. I've had several people tell me, more or less politely, "why would you want to go where they don't speak English." But if somebody I know goes for a trip, even somewhere I have no interest in, I have tons of questions: not just where did you go, but what was it like, what were the people like, what did you think of it, was it what you expected. I'd love to talk all day about my trips, but I only do so with other travel-lovers that I know. The rest get a three-sentence summary (or maybe six, if they look interested after three).

I Disowned Them!!!

Voice of reason........ <BR> <BR>I hear ya! :)

Hi everyone! As Kavey said, "we don't choose pur relatives, but we choose pur friends." :-) I'm a big believer in that. My husband and I are constantly planning our next trip, but our friends do too! We even borrow each other's travel guides! This year, one of my friends spent 9 weeks traveling throughout Asia. She sent us travelogues every week by e-mail and I have saved them. Other friends of ours went last year to Canada, Portugal and Bermuda. We sat down with them to look at their pictures and get ideas. Another couple went last to Greece and Turkey. They all want to know about our travels and we want to know about theirs! <BR> <BR>The relatives, on the other hand, are a problem. My brother-in-law has been asking us to visit him in LA. he always accuses us of bring selfish with our vacation time "always wanting to go to Europe or the Caribbean or Latin America." The problem is we live in the East Coast and we would have to use vacation time to visit him. Because of the way my husband's vacation time is structured, he gets two 2-week vacation periods per year, and usually doesn't get holidays off. So it's very difficult to visit a relative without using one of the official vacation periods. I have no interest in LA and would rather use the vacation time to do something else. So what we will probably do is we'll travel sometime somewhere in Asia, and do a few days' stop-over in LA, to appease his brother. I really think is jealousy showing through though!

I sympathize. I really don't get this much from family members on either side. They all know how I am. They know why I travel and would be shocked if I didn't because it is what I have wanted since I was a little kid. How many 6 year olds would rather go to a history museum than do just about anything else? Most friends see it the same way. Where I have problems is finding a way to discuss my travels with friends or acquaintances without seeming like I am boasting (because it is a simple fact that many see it as something they could never afford to do). Just this weekend, at a high school reunion a friend said "when did you do all that traveling" (she had recently seen my Web site), and I mentioned that we are going to Italy this fall. Her response was "we just want to go to Dallas." She is one of the sincerely nicest people I have ever known, and I know she wouldn't be jealous about it, but comments like that make me realize how some other people might take it. I didn't discuss it with anyone else at the reunion. One of the great things about this site is that it offers a place for real travel nuts to come together and share their passions with others who understand.

The root of the problem is cultural. You have an appreciation for a certain aspect of culture which others do not share. I, for one, get very itchy when certain subjects dominate a conversation. Subjects such as opera or golf. How do I survive these episodes of tedium? I ask questions. I do not try to win others to my point of view; I'm too old (wise?) to think that my viewpoint is the only viewpoint. So learn to live in semi-loneliness, cherishing travel as your cultural "outlet" and let others do the same. Don't sweat the small stuff.

Did you read the posts under "irritating question"? (Or was it "annoying question"?). Pretty much the same issue. <BR> <BR>My guess is that Denise's problems continue because she and her husband are cowed by the whole situation, and they react apologetically and grovelling. One suspects that maybe at a very deep level perhaps there's even a smidgen of needing others to care that they travel. <BR> <BR>You don't have to rub their noses in the fact that you travel or the details, but you also don't have to apologize: "We were out of town." "Oh, really, where?" "Paris." "Paree, huh! I wish I had that kind of money and time to go galavanting off to Paree." "Yes, it was nice, we had a good time." "Well, Dogpatch USA is fine for me." "I'm glad. Pass the salt." <BR> <BR>Eventually, you might have to have a showdown with chronic offenders: "You know, Guy, you clearly don't approve of where we go or how we spend our money, but I do get tired of hearing you say so. Let's make a deal: you knock it off and let's find something else to talk about, or we else we'll probably have to skip talking about much of anything at all." <BR> <BR>Denise's husband needs to deal much more firmly with his mother, setting limits, boundaries, and ground rules. Denise needs to find other friends to talk about travel. <BR> <BR>And in case it isn't obvious, Denise: part of the "price" of being in a better position than others around you is that you need to make an effort to be interested in whatever happens in their life, even if it isn't Paris.

Cut the cord. Mommy seems to be a little to control oriented. Her problems go far beyond what you mentioned. As far as yor friends. Eh, that's your call, but birds of a feather. My friends and I exchange stories and once in a while go together. A good friend is always happy that their friends lead a happy life. They support them in their endeavors. Similar to a good marriage. That's just my opinion.

Why do you feel compelled to talk about your vacations? Why do so many people on this board feel that way, and are shocked, (SHOCKED, I say) to hear that others do NOT want to hear about their vacations? As a rule, people are not interested in others' vacations. It used to be a bad joke about the couple that invites others over to watch their vacation slide show, yet that joke lives on here!! Travel and enjoy. Discuss travel with those who reciprocate, but otherwise keep it to yourself. This should be easy, unless you travel so you can show off to our "friends". If so, your money would be better spent on a new Lexis (and your "friends" will be much more impressed).

Denise: <BR> <BR>1) The biggest problem here appears to be your husband - from what you've said, your MIL seems to have an extreme amount of control over a (presumably) grown man. <BR> <BR>2) Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. If you truly are not "competing" with your friend over vacations, how could it possibly bother you that he follows your lead in enjoying travel. If your motive in traveling is to see, experience and enjoy other parts of the world, how could another person's travel possibly bother you? Are you sure you aren't trying to stay one step ahead of the Joneses?

All - I have to comment on this topic because I know how Denise (the original author) feels. I'm simply amazed when I return from any overseas holiday and all my relatives ask was "how was the weather?" Boy it gets me steamed and then my husband and I just laugh and laugh! My mother says the same things, "Why don't you just wear sneakers to Europe and be comfortable?" "Why do you always get so dressed up when you travel?" "Why would you want to leave America and spend your money elsewhere?"...Etc Etc Etc. It's funny to see that there are others out there to share my thoughts. I know I have ignorant parents. I know by travelling and educating myself about the world I won't turn out like them. That's my advice to Denise. Who cares about what people think? I don't have kids either and I'm the same way. When my sister comes back from Disneyworld with her obnoxious over-indulged kids and spent a fortune, I ask very candidly "How's the weather?"

I completely agree with Holly. Your biggest problem seems to be your husband, and the way he lets his mom to take control over him. <BR> <BR>I also don't see why others have to share your interest for traveling. I don't travel to tell others what I saw or experienced, but for the sake of living the experience myself. Sure, it's pleasant when we find someone who shares our interest, but friendship is something that goes beyond sharing travel experience, don't you think? <BR> <BR>Surlok

Some of the people here should review their own posts and discover how hostile, arrogant and hypocritical they sound. They don't want people judging/questioning/criticizing their own interests, but they are more than happy to do it to others. This kind of behavior gives others who travel abroad a bad name. The best example of this problem is that some of the people who posted to the similar "irritating question" thread ALSO posted to a thread re: places they would never travel. Enjoy your trips, enjoy your life, and stop worrying so much about what others think.

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Well said, Holly.

Send these people postcards stating, <BR>"I am considering your observations <BR>about our traveling, as I sit here <BR>sipping espresso on the Rue...I'll <BR>let you know what I decide. Love <BR>and kisses..." <BR> <BR>Then sign it----boldly.

Kudos to you Dawn. I feel the same. Besides travel I have come to realize in the past 19 yrs (I am 38) there are too many jealous people around, and I tend to downplay anything I do, women friends are the worst, I tend to develop friends and a lot of them are older:) who appreciate and respect the finer things without waving a flag how they paid to get something cheap and had a negative attitude toward you. Who needs friends like that. No one's business what I do anymore, I must live for me and avoid the rotten envy ridden comments people make. I am much happier but I feel very sorry for those who are jealous, my parents raised me not to be like that. <BR>

In reply to get over it... <BR> <BR>There is a big difference in expecting to be able to talk all the time to your friends about your own interest and in having your friends show a little support for a few minutes every now and then in your interests. <BR> <BR>I have many friends who are not into travel and would never expect to tell them all about the details of my trips and what we saw and everything else. However if they know I have been away they will at least ask how it was, whether I enjoyed it and be willing to chat about it for a FEW minutes. <BR> <BR>Likewise if they are really into football or cross-stich or golf or something else and have recently had some big event on, I will also show an interest. I might not be into any of those things myself, but I am interested in my friends, and want to show them that I value their choices and am interested in them. <BR> <BR>its about showing a genuine interest in your friends not about talking about an actual topic. <BR> <BR>It's got nothing to do with showing of, I know friends who spend more on a washing machine or a hi fi than I do on travel. <BR> <BR>It's not about wanting to talk travel all night, though I have a few friends I do that with. <BR> <BR>Its about support and showing that support. <BR> <BR>

I was a military brat and used to traveling. I met a man from LOUISIANA! and have been here ever since. I am in my forties and finally have some cash to start traveling and I agree that most of the people I know just do not have the "itch" I have to see the world. My sister-in-law says she would rather have a diamond ring than go to Europe. To me there is no contest. I want to experience life. Anyone out there from the New Orleans, LA area? I would love to talk to a travel lover from this area. In New Orleans a big vacation is to go to the Florida Panhandle for three nights.

To Kavey: <BR> <BR>Who needs "support" about a wonderful European vacation? I suppose you would need some "support" upon hearing you just inheritted a cool million (dollars, hopefully, not lira). Maybe my moniker should be "give me a break". Different people have different interests. The original poster showed her colors when she identified those who were not interested in her vacations as "jealous". AND what if they are jealous. Don't try to justify who has what or who spends what on what. Talking about luxury items -- and travel is a luxury -- can be less than tactful. Simpering that no one seems to understand is downright spoiled and sad.

Getoverit raises a good point about "different people having different interests," a concept that seems to be lost on some of those who claim to be more open-minded, sophisticated etc. It appears that many people who claim to be more evolved and enlightened by their travels simply aren't. And why the assumption that people with different interests are "jealous"?

Dear Denise, I have a husband and mother-in-law situation similar to yours and it is SO easy for others to say, cut the aprons strings. Would that it were that simple, right? If it were that easy I would've whacked that apron string with a cleaver 26 years ago, but hey, who's counting! <BR> <BR>I cannot help you with that problem except give you tons of sympathy about a situation you can't do much about, but I can suggest that you give up totally on sharing your trips with those who really aren't interested. Why bother? DO find people who are as keen on travel as you and share your memories, photos, whatever with them. When you have people you can do that with in great, loving, slow details, then you don't need the others. I have one personal friend (and her husband) and one friend at work with whom I can squeal and drool and reminisce and it is heaven. We all get so excited when the other gets to go somewhere. And I live vicariously through their trips, too. It's really neat. All of us haunt this Europe forum on Fodors. <BR> <BR>But, back to the m-in-law Problem. DOn't listen to her complain. Change the subject. Leave the room. Ask her why she should care. Why she thinks it is her business. Now, the only thing wrong with those lines of attack would be if your husband has problems with your doing that. Then you really really do have an issue, that has to effect much more than just your traveling lives. For that, my dear, I would recommend therapy.

Any "Good Friend" will show interest in whatever you do. That is a friend. As one poster put it some people like football (and how they drone on), some people like cooking, we like traveling. I'm sure my friends out up with some of my conversations and I with theirs. If it makes you happy and doesn't hurt anyone what's the harm? <BR> <BR>As far as Mommy and son (Hubby). Have you ever watched "Sex in the City"?

Xman: <BR> <BR>I agree that friends will show an interest in others hobbies, etc. But don't you notice that in the tenor of many of these postings and in similar thread that a lot of people on this board think their interest in travel is "better" than other people's interests? I have encountered people like this who try to get me to agree that my experience with overseas travel (at least to Europe) somehow makes me superior to others. Strangely, some of these SAME people question why I have traveled to other parts of the world, e.g. Africa and Central America. Why the inconsistency?Can someone who please explain.