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French Etiquette
What should a novice know about French etiquette before travelling to France?
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First. Always say hello and good bye Bonjour, Au revoir to ALL shop keepers, people that you meet. Wrists on table, never on lap when eating. I think if one is kind, gracious, you will never have a problem even without knowing French, tho they will appreciate your trying out what few words you know.
Don't yell out for your check in a restaurant. |
When counting, start with your thumb for #1. Number two is then added with your pointer finger ending up with your pinky.
If you aren't careful, you could be on very bad behavior when ordering "two" of anything if you do it in the typical American fashion! |
The nicest people in France are reserved, punctilious, deft and rather formal. They appreciate those traits in others.
Don't holler, push, grab or snarl. Tout le reste, c'est de la blague. |
Oh, pointing is rude. But that applies to many cultures.
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I love this site!!! You guys are great and so helpful. I find other cultures so interesting. Keep the info coming.
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Dont forget to say Pardon and Merci, merci , merci ...
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Try what little French you can. Sometimes they'll act as though you are speaking Japanese but often they'll realize they're English is better than your French. The Frency often know English they don't let on because (I think) they don't want to appear unknowedgeable. For the most part they are very gracious people with an undeserved reputation for rudeness. They are formal and expect the kind of manner many Americans have long since let go of, including me when I'm here at home.
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cigalechanta, thanks for that link.
On the topic of queues, I've joined a few in French post offices and many in French grocery stores. Everyone seems quite happy to shuffle along in the order they arrived. I did watch a woman queue-jump at the post office in Agde a couple of years ago. There was a bit of hissing and eye-rolling from those in the queue. The postal agent served her, but gave her a frosty lecture on line-ups. Interestingly, the woman then turned around and apologized to all of us still waiting. It's a fascinating society. The only other thing I'd mention is that you can always expect to use the "vous" form, rather than "tu." As others have observed on Fodors before, addressing someone as "tu" is generally reserved for pets, one's children, close friends, and intimates. Anselm |
McBetsy,
I think you have hit the nail on the head. Some French folks will not respond in English because theirs is not so good. It's not, as some have suspected because they are wicked! We advice monolingual visitors to approach people who are by themselves -- that is with no witnesses. We think the success rate is higher if you do that. |
Don't leap to conclusions that the French are "rude, unfriendly, unhelpful.." etc. Their thinking and responses are conditioned by an entirely different set of cultural 'rules' than how you think and respond or expect others to do.
Smiling is for a reason and for close friends, not for just being happy as you walk down the street. They might not want to 'insult' you by assuming you can't figure out something, like reading a map or looking for a place. But the minute you indicate you need help, they will be there for you. They might feel responsible to give an answer to your question, even if it's wrong, rather than say they 'don't know'. Don't ask too many questions of the same person, especially people who are not in the job of providing tourist information. Even if you don't know or remember these kind of 'rules', you will be fine if: - you keep your voice at a moderate level - you ALWAYS say "Bonjour Madame", "Merci, Monsieur" (don't just walk up and start asking questions, say a greeting first) - don't handle the merchandise Absolutely excellent reading: <u>French or Foe?</u> <u>Savoir Flair</u> by Polly Platt |
I added this thread to the "Superthread" for Paris...
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Very interesting thread. I have ben to Paris a few times and I did not know about wrists on the table while eating or not to handle merchandise.
It is great to learn nw things. My rule of thumb is to always be polite and try to speak (3 years college French) the language, and to be respectful of others there and everywhere. |
Don't expect the waiter to bring your check automatically. You have to ask for it. Also, the waiters are very professional, even at the smallest coffee shop. All you have to do is catch their eye if you need something. Be polite and gracious at all times.
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Be sure to say pardon--pronounce par-don on the Metro if it is even slightly crowded as you enter or exit. You will be treated politely because because of it.
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A touch of friendly "attitude" seems to work well. For reasons I don't quite understand, the French do not respond to the meek as well as to people who are a bit "up front". This goes for NYC too. And if you are going to a private residence on your trip, be sure to read Polly Platt's books re cleaning your plate and the use of private restrooms(you don't!). JP
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oakglen, but what if you have to go really, really, really bad? :D
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I second the recommendation for Polly Platt's books - they're wonderful!
ALWAYS add Monsieur/Madame or the person's name to your greeting. Eg. "Bonjour, Monsieur" - It makes a world of a difference |
I have found that if you are not understood, speak really, really loud. That should work. ((a)) ((b))
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After months of waiting for the Polly Platt books to turn up either at the library, or one of our local bookstores, I finally just ordered through Amazon. Am looking forward to them.
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Don't touch people when you speak to them, not even a friendly pat on the arm. That is for intimates, not for people you have just met.
Here's another--no bread plates, that would be an unusual exception. The bread you are eating is placed right on the tablecloth. And butter isn't served generally except at breakfast. And coffee is a topic unto itself. That's not etiquette I guess, just food customs. |
I lived in France, and I have to say you guys covered it really well! :) Now I have to reminicse.....
atleast I'll be back there next month! Oh, I have a friend who slaps your arm and pushed you when she's laughing....VERY touchy person, but she's REALLY funny. Anyhow, I would tell my French friends about her, and they all had their mouths hanging open in disbelief! I think it's very interesting, the cultural differences. OH! Another tip...NEVER speak about money, wages, or anything that could categorize you or the other person socially. It's unnacceptable. Should be that way in the US too...dommage. |
I found one of the best french words I knew was "desole' day-zoh-lay.. means sorry. please feel free anyone to improve on that in anyway better than what I am writing. Anyway, I found it to work wonders on a few occasions that I comitted a "fox paws" and could tell that someone was really ticked off. The thing is, when I said it I meant it, and I think they could tell that, and I was eager to learn what ever was the more appropriate behavior, so it really smoothed things over. So, it's a great word, but if you use it, mean it.
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If you want waiter/waitress attention, the thing to say is "s'il vous plait," (nothing else registers) -- and keep in mind that French waiters are serving twice as many tables as American ones do.
Toulaisaine has it right, one doesn't talk about personal finances, or what one does for a living, except among close friends, and not much then. There are also differences around friendship. There's a level of pleasant, casual acquaintance among Americans that isn't much in the French repertoire. You would not, as a rule in France, invite people to dinner in your home and then never see them again. A level of commitrment is implied. The French see the Americans as fickle in this realm, while Americans wonder why casual invitations rarely come along. |
Never tell a Frenchman how to do his job. This is a major faux pas. This goes for flight attendants, cab drivers, waiters, sales clerks, etc. that American tourists will encounter. The French are very proud of their metier, and find it insulting when someone "gets in the way" of them do ing their "thing." This is why so many waiters seem rude and arrogant--an American yelling, "Garcon, is my vin rouge coming soon?" You are implying that he doesn't know his job. And you will feel his wrath. :)
Being English, I can also say that we, as well as the French, find it very odd (to the point of ridicule) that Americans put their left hand in their laps whilst they are eating. We Europeans always keep both our hands on the table. We always wonder what Americans are doing what that idle hand. <wink> |
To belabor the obvious, "garcon" means boy. fortunately, most Paris waiting persons are adults.
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I guess I'm in the minority with regard to Polly Platt.I always thought she just capitalized on American fears of being considered boorish in France and set out a bunch of rules that, in my experience, aren't always at all correct - like not sending yellow flowers to people. That's just silly. I've send gorgeous bouquets of yellow flowers to friends in France and been warmly thanked for them, and not disingenuously. I've even asked French friends if there's anything wrong with sending yellow flowers, and they laughed. I think Polly's made a nice living off American insecurities.
That said, there's not much more I can add about French etiquette except to say that genuine, polite behavior will get you anywhere in France. They don't like cheeky, in-your-face behavior, they don't like over-friendly behavior, and they don't like loud behavior (I don't either). They have a good bit of dignity and want you to respect their country and its customs. If you walk into a restaurant and loudly say "We need a table for 4!" in English, you will be treated rudely - as you should be. Be quiet, be dignified, always address people with Bonjour/Au revoir/Merci - Madame/Monsieur (this is crucial), and you'll be fine. Don't ask for a "doggy bag" even if you can translate that to French. |
St Cirq,
I'm suspicious of anyone who claims to understand the French. I've been here pushing two decades and I'm still constantly surprised! |
Postcript: In Paris, in the less starry 11th-arrondissement eateries we frequent, you can ask for a "doggie bag," though I do cringe a bit while asking. Could you put this (pointing if you don't speak French) in "un peu aluminum"" does the trick.
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When entering a crowded local shop, cafe or restaurant, DON'T say "Bonjour messieurs-dames". It's considered rather common, faux-bonhomme -- or "populaire".
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Um, tegdale,what Do you say? I've been in countless cafés/bars where the regulars came in and said exactly that!I'm really curious:)
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Out in the country in France, you here Bonjour Messieurs-Dames every day everywhere you go. It's a country thing.
A few weeks ago, I saw a TV show about the French nobility and their current economic status and lifestyles. There was one particular family interviewed that claimed to be "noble" and was really into the whole thing. They seemed to think that saying Bonjour Messieurs-Dames was one of the biggest sins you could commit. It's a snobism thing. |
How embarrassing -- "hear" of course, not "here". Duh!
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Attnetion Tedgale, les francais n'aiment pas les snobs non plus! It is better to be polite and say "bonjour" as you enter a cafe or shop than not to do so.
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Yes, it's better to say Bonjour in one form or another -- whether it's Bonjour Messieurs-Dames or Bonjour Madame, Bonjour Monsieur, or whatever -- than to say nothing at all. Just Bonjour will work fine.
Last September I was traveling with my mother and aunt. We stopped in a restaurant in Mayenne. As we walked to a table in the back of the long, narrow room, a young male employee said a loud Bonjour to my aunt, who speaks no French. She didn't respond. He said it again: Bonjour Madame. And again. When I realized what was happening, I stopped and told him in French that the lady didn't speak French and didn't understand what was happening. He then relaxed and smiled, having understood the situation. It is really important to say Bonjour to people in shops and restaurants -- especially before asking any questions or saying anything else. |
Bonjour madame or bonjour monsieur is personal and civil.
I think the interdiction against "messieurs-dames", especially when loudly declaimed on entering a place,is that it is not a personal greeting at all but a proclamation "I've arrived". At least, that is my guess about its connotations. I didn't make the rule, I've only been advised of it. BTW: Here in Canada if I called out, on entering a shop, "Hello, everybody!" I think it would be heard as a call for attention, not a civil gesture at all. |
Actually, I was thinking - admittedly on little or no evidence - that "Bonjour Messieurs-dames" rather sounds as though you know everybody already and expect them to know you - which is why it might well be heard in a village shop, and why I wouldn't care to try it in Paris. But it is extremely important to say it to the person you're expecting to serve you!
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In the local Provence café we go to, the regulars will go to every table and kiss or shake hands, and say bonjour messieurs on individual basis.
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Dave-in-Paris!
I doubt whether 'un peu aluminum' would 'do the trick'. In the first place the French word is, as in all civilized cultures, 'aluminIum'. And then a "d'" after 'peu' would help. But why not 'un petit sac pour emporter les restes?' Harzer |
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