palione, here's one definition/explanation. (Sort of!)A troll doesn't have to be "upsetting", though, as this article states. Can just be attention-seeking. Often they have distinctive names, not unlike the names of spammers. I'm no expert on this, but I've participated in enough forums that my antennae go up probably too often! (Forgive me if this url is too long, I don't know how to abbreviate 'em.)
http://hometown.aol.com/intwg/trolls.htm

Most of us will put up with a lot of crap from our ILs just to keep the peace. Trust me- this one I know for sure!

My FIL is a horrible tipper. I mean, seriously 5% when you have worked that server to the bone??? Rude, IMO. We were always treated by the ILs and tried to sneak extra money on the table. FIL would pick it up and drop it in my purse, saying "You need this more than they do". That is not the point, nor was it true. *grrrr*

It all stopped when my hubby grabbed up the check at dinner one night. My FIL said, "I forbid you to pay that". DH looked him straight in the face and laughed, saying "Forbid? forbid? Dad, I am an adult. You can't forbid me from doing anything". He then "allowed" his dad to leave the tip with the caveat that he must leave at least 15%. :) Who needed dessert after that sweet ending?

Anyway, I said all that to say... you are adults. Only you and your DH can stop them from treating you that way. Lay out the new ground rules and if they don't like it, they can get glad in the same pants in which they got mad.

Now the clothing issue... I have no advice on that! lol!

LucieV-thanks for the links about trolls. I had figured out what was meant but the article was very informative. He wrote another one about "flame wars and flamebait" that were good too.

Who knew?! I know there are pot stirrers out there but I didn't realize for many people it is the ONLY reason they post-sad!

Reading all the response got me to thinking that maybe the in-laws want "the children" have small portions and not pay for anything because if they saw "the children" ordering full portions and eating adult sized amounts of food and then watched them pull out real money to pay for it, then --- OHMIGOSH -- they'd be face-to-face with the reality that "the children" aren't really children at all!

MaddieAstrid, the inlaws are not worried about your weight. They think "your eyes are bigger than your stomach" and you should learn not to waste food. They won't let you pay for anything because you're not old enough to handle money yet. They don't spend a lot of food because they are teaching you the value of money. You clamor to vacation in the U.S., but the grown-ups know you should see the world as part of your education.

You're lucky, I guess, they don't cut up your food for you and make you "open wide" or tell you have to finish all your veggies before you can have dessert.

Maddie, you say you need "a new strategy" besides "wine" and then talk about making points with your husband....wow. The reality is -- nothing will change and in a few weeks you will be repeating those lovely dinners all through the French Alps. Some here complimented you on your sweet disposition, but my point is...who is the 5th diner, your son or daughter? What stunning lessons are they learning -- Gramma and Grampa refuse to conduct an adult relationship with Daddy, who in turn refuses to man up when they continually insult his poor apparently helpless wife, who by default subjects Child to...this weirdness. I agree with saps and cigalechanta -- it's not an in-law problem, it's a marriage problem. Good luck with it.

You say your in-laws are paying for everything. They are not.

You are paying with your pride and self-respect for every bite of food ordered (or not, as the case may be). That is worth - or ought to be worth - a whole lot more than whatever your in-laws paid for airfare, accomodation, etc.

While you cannot stop them from splitting food with each other, and you have no right to dictate their dress style even if they were not "paying" for you, you need to stand firm on this one and calmly state your rule: If the five of you are to share a table, you do not share food, either the ordering or the consumption of same. If they protest that this is ungenerous, you can agree this might be so, but you do not share food, and you are sorry you didnt let them know before. Keep repeating your rule calmly. In the final analysis, it is the waiter you have to get onside, not your inlaws.

Good luck!

P.S. Regarding the issue of trolls, this is the Internet, we can't know what is true and what false about the personal situations of people posting. But problems with controlling in-laws are universal enough, that there is truth in the general situation, whatever the case for the specific circumstances.

The following is not meant to be unkind, this is a serious suggestion. Take a course or seminar in assertiveness training. It is possible to be both assertive and kind at the same time. This will help you not only in this situation but in all aspects of life. Good luck.

I just read through a number of your previous posts and now have a few insights that might help:

Since you go to Europe 4 to 5 times a year (just this month with your girlfriend and you were just there in May as well) perhaps you should just worry about the eating on those fun trips -- like going to all the fun nightclubs in your sexy outfits (no mention of husband in tow), and not worry about the food on the ones every two years with your inlaws? Most of us would kill to go to France four times a year and be willing to buck up for one of those trips.

Since you admit that you often over indulge in haute cuisine in France, maybe a little diet for a week with them is good for you after all?

Since you mention lots of trips to Europe with your girlfriend and even your niece, but only rarely hint at a possible additional "male companionship", I suspect this husband is new. Is that part of the problem -- have the inlaws not yet accepted you -- or is you husband uncomfortable standing up to his parents? Are these trips the only ones he accompanies you on?

Since you are a vegetarian who sticks by your convictions, it really should be fairly easy to stand up and say you want your own full meal. Are they all vegetarians too? Are you really talking about splitting a vegetarian entree five ways. Incidentally you've declared that you "often refuse to order an entree in nice restaurants" so it really doesn't sound like having to share one should be so bad.


The bottom line? It's kind of hard to feel sorry for you with all your wonderful trips having to endure this one thing every two years -- especially if you're simply not willing to stand up and tell them how it needs to be!

May I ask one more question Maddie?
Where are your in-laws originally from?

Oh my!

I will only add that DD is 28 and truly between a size 0 and 2. Everyone is always try to feed her. No one in their right mind could think that someone this small eats too much.

I'm surprised at the number of people who think Maddie is a troll. You all must have been blessed with wonderful inlaws. I have heard inlaw stories that would make your hair stand on end, and unfortunately I find Maddie's story quite believable.

Your DH really needs to step in and stand up for you guys, since they're his parents. They are being manipulative. When they can't control you, they try to make you feel guilty and uncomfortable by not eating. I agree with the person who said you should call their bluff by continuing to pay for meals and order what you want. If they don't cave in and eat, maybe they'll tell you what's really causing them to behave like that.

My inlaws are frugal and they also think that DH and I spend too much money, but their financial background is totally different from ours, so we don't listen to them, and they know it. That doesn't stop them from scolding DH from time to time, but we make sure we aren't indebted to them for anything, so they have no way to control us.

Anyway, best of luck with your situation.

If it were me I think I'd wait till they'd gone to bed and then go out again for my "real" dinner. :D

Why think "troll"? And why does it matter? Whether real or fictional, the situation is certainly plausible - I've met people just like it. So it deserves discussion as if it were real, whether it is or not. Be politely and pleasantly assertive, and if the ILs decide to sulk by not eating, Poutine is right - they won't keep it up forever. You (or preferably your husband) have to resolve it somehow.

Wow. "Man up" and "sack up" in one thread. I build my vocabulary every time I stop by ! ;-)

Very interesting topic.

One of the things I have learned in life is that everyone has one or two little less than appealing traits or preferences.

I have yet to find a way to really change any of them in anyone other than myself. And only then if I decide it's a not so great thing and want to change it.

I try to appreciate the good things in the people I love (or am related to by marriage). And ignore or let the little aggravations slide. It is not always easy.

That is not the same as adopting their
preferences or actions.

If these are basically good people who are trying to do something nice for you (by their definition of nice), let it slide.

If these little demands on what you eat are their way of hinting you are fat and they don't like it, that's different.

If you are the size you say (and I'm not saying you are not) or any size that is okay with you, do the same thing anyone does when someone says something that is incorrect and harmless. Realise they are wrong and forget it.

Do you believe they mean well and are cheap with poor manners? If so, find a way to not starve and let it go.

No one (especially me) says you have to like these little annoying traits.

Having inlaws that want to be nice to you and try to do nice things is a blessing. Don't let them abuse and harrass you. Don't be offended too easily by things that are done with kind intentions, either.

Do you know which one of these things is happening?

By the way, no one really has a right to care what you order, if the food you order gets paid for. Maybe the staff think you are not familiar with the food and only want to taste things or are light eaters. It's one table for one meal. The staff will get over it.

ePickle- let me just say- prejudiced on many levels, ignorant, and obsessive compulsive all describe my FIL. My MIL is LOUD and talks constantly about absolutely nothing and she repeats every sentence over and over. She also repeats what everyone else says so no one can get out an entire thought. I quit trying to have conversations with them years ago.

DH called his parents to mention we'd be in the area thinking we'd have dinner. They ended up "popping by" uninvited all three days.

I LOOOOOVE DH and wanted to spend the weekend gazing into his eyes and holding hands but it was not to be. I just let him hang out with them and I disappeared on and off. I watched three college football games in a row on Saturday which seemed a waste of a day at the beach. DH suggested I have a spa day but my heart wasn't into it.

Question: How old are the in-laws?
I often travel to Europe with my mother who is elderly. If I were to split a meal with someone my age, I would be embarrassed. But I think restaurants don't mind if an elderly person shares with someone. My mother will order a cup/bowl of soup and then will eat about 1/4 of what I ordered. They understand elderly people eat smaller portions. Often they will bring an extra plate when serving my meal without us even having to ask.

Sounds like large generation gap. An elderly man's pride will insist on paying for the bill. They realize they can not eat an entire meal. And last, if your in-laws were alive in the 30-40's a big Waste Not generation ordering several meals and not eating everything and paying for the wasted meals is EMBARRASSING for them.
It sounds like your DH understands this generation gap and accepts his parents for who they are. Perhaps you are an embarrassment for them, a result of the spoiled waste everything generation.
Accept it, live with it, do it to please them. Later in the evening say good night and then you and DH go for a stroll and have a bite to eat if you want. If not, then don't go on the trip.

It may be too late for this trip, but could be a suggestion for future trips. In the Swiss Alps and Italian Alps it is common for hotels to offer half board (often excellent). It usually includes a 3, 4 or 5 course dinner and is an excellent value (and plenty of food). You might look for this kind of arrangement wherever you may be.

Thank you for the info on "troll" LucieV for the explanation.

Fidel, if the OP is trolling, then any slandering is meaningless, since the family members described may well not even exist, or at least not exist as described.

Since such dilemmas (dilemmae?) start getting hopelessly philosophical - (If a person gets slandered and nobody hears about them, do they make a sound?) - the only way to treat these things is as a matter of general principle. It also nicely sidesteps any manipulation that might (or might not) have been intended, and gets down to business.