Family Trip – I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but. . .
 

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but we take a family trip every other year and my in-laws pay for everything. I always lobby for a domestic destination, but they always choose Europe. I am lucky because they are genuinely nice people (deep down), however they are unabashedly cheap (despite trip financing) and have unhealthy attitudes toward food. I am somewhere between a size 0 and size 2 – not chubby, not anorexic – and they usually suggest that I split a meal with someone else or cut back on my food order. My husband, who was a professional athlete and is in top condition, gets the same treatment. We all have our “glitches” and I have learned to take the weight loss pointers in stride. However, I am sensitive to local cultures, so snagging a prime table in a French restaurant and then splitting a main course five ways (NOT AN EXAGGERATION) makes me very uncomfortable. Because they are older and because they insist on paying for EVERYTHING, I have been hesitant to share my feelings of embarrassment. I am not that easily embarrassed….I could not care less (okay, maybe a little)that they wear sandals, socks and shorts everywhere, but their restaurant behavior really bothers me. Am I overreacting? Does anyone (besides me) really care how much food we order? We are all headed to the French Alps in a couple weeks and I need a new strategy.

MaddisAstrid, wow I FEEL your pain! That IS one tricky situation. Sorry I have no helpful ideas off the top of my head. Hopefully others can brainstormm a new strategy for you!!

Very simply announce before you order that you and your professional athlete husband are paying for the meal and then order what you want.

First, your husband is the one that needs to handle this. One thing I would suggest is that he says, "Mom, Dad, every trip you pay for everything. This time, because you pay for airfare and accommodations, Maddie and I are paying for meals."

That's it, no debate. End of story.

(I know, easier said, but maybe it will work!)

Good luck.

Maddie...I agree with the above poster...BUT, it's your husband's task to speak up...they are his parents. The time to do it is before you leave...sorry, but I would have said something from the very first time if they were my parents....maybe that would be biting the hand that feeds you (pardon the pun!)...but a bit of pride would overcome any further embarrassment IMO.

Stu T.

I'd suggest it all comes down to self-confidence, especially for your husband when speaking with his parents.

Before you leave on this year's trip, why don't you and your husband meet with his parents, tell them that you would like to contribute financially by paying for your meals (even better, if you had the funds, would be to pay for everybody's restaurant meals), and then order away. If they remonstrate, maybe you can gently tell them you were a tad hungry on the last trip.

The in-laws are entitled to their white socks and sandals, though.

Have a great holiday. It sounds like you have loving in-laws who mean well, and you are a good d-i-law for going with them.

I have to agree with tthe above posters. This is something that you and your husband have to settle between you first of all. And then together tell you in-laws, with your husband doing the talking. There is a basic misunderstanding here that needs to be straightened out...

You are a kinder daughter in law than I am for even consenting to go on these trips! I would have refused after the first one. (I have a real hard time with "strings" and rules attached to money. My FIL is like your in-laws - insists on "treating" everyone to a meal, then says how big the portions are and how they should be split. I can pay for my own food, thank you. I don't need him to tell me what I can order!)

I assume by your post that you eat EVERY meal together - are you together every waking our of the trip? Perhaps if none of the suggestions above work, you and your husband could split off for several days and sight see (and eat) on your own.

Good news: It makes sense to split fondue 5 ways, as it true of a lot of the cuisine of the Alps.

I feel for you! My mother-in-law thinks that whenever she is at a restaurant, the wholel point of eating out is that everybody should order something different, and then we should all share our food so that everybody gets a taste of each other's order. Sometimes I end up verrrrrrry sad as I watch the food I really wanted to eat disappear from my plate, and am offered instead food I never want to eat at all. Not to mention that it becomes impossible to carry on a conversation over dinner with the constant interruptions of "Did everybody get a taste of my ostrich?" "Are those pureed artichokes? Can you pass some over here?" To make matters worse, my mother-in-law thinks sticking her fork in somebody's else plate is A-OK (I've learned not to sit next to her in restaurants.)

But my sympathy for you, MaddieAstrid, has a limit: Not once has she offered to take me to the French Alps and pay for everything!!! :-(

I'd just keep a bag of cookies stashed in my room. ;-)

MaddieA, it is a rough sort of spot and I do not see your question as ungrateful or ungracious. Since you are adults it is perfectly reasonable to assert that you will pay your own way for food. If there are others in the group and you can foot the bill for all, great, if not then maybe a private conversation with them to devise a strategy might help. If the inlaws object, they are essentially being bullies, offering a "gift" with strings related more to control than generosity, which you can feel perfectly justified declining. Do realize, though, that the reasons for this boorishly controlling behavior won't go away (it' not really about food or money, now, is it?) and may well emerge in another aspect of the trips. Also agree that since it is your husband's parents he might oughta be the one to have the discussion with them.

Meals in France are not really meant to be shared normally; sharing a starter or desert is fine, but main courses are not the huge size portions you get in the US, but meant to be eaten by one person.
But you must know this if you have travelled to Europe before, and if your in-laws still do this, it's indeed very embarrassing.
In France, the best deal by far is always to take the set menu; suggest that when you're eating out. You really cannot split a main course when you all take a set menu; I'm sure the restaurant would object.

I would order what I wanted & then offer to pay...this seems fairly simple too me. Or, as ira suggested, don't go. After all, they can only pay for everything if you let them...Your husband neds to 'step up'...

"Assuming that this is not just a troll"

What makes you think this is a troll? What troll takes the time to post that long of a message anyway?



Maddie......Many good points mentioned above...especially discussing with your husband first and having him handle it. From the original post I somehow got the idea this isn't something you've discussed with him (could be way off on that). Do you think he agrees with you?

I'm wondering what the core issue is here. Do they think that you are fat?
or Are the just cheapskates?

If it's b/c they're cheapskates, then you can offer to pay for the meals. Of course, that may not be totally sastisfactory b/c they'll still fret about $$ spent. You could get creative and find ways to eat great food at a lower cost. Picnics etc.

It's not clear what "unhealthy attitudes about food", means. Are they junk foodies? or are they anorexic?

I do agree that this is something that falls the hubby to deal with, getting along with in-laws can be tricky. I also agree that paying for the meals is an excellent way to go about it.




My FIL loved to eat at restaurants that
were high fat and low in nutrients. Some of the foods that I cooked were "a little too healthy tasting" but because we adored each other we put up with our food oddities. Really, it's just food.

Not a troll, at least not intentionally. Husband was a professional athlete, but more the kind that with expenses barely broke even (not that we can’t afford to pay our own way 10 years later). My point was that neither of us needs their diet tips. I am no martyr either, but these trips are important to my husband and I can live with losing one week of my life every other year (plus this earns me major points with DH and gives me months worth of storytelling material). We have both talked to his parents about the etiquette of splitting meals in Europe, but they think we are gluttonous free-spenders who are being taken advantage of (and for the record, they do think we eat too much). When we insist on paying, they simply order nothing, either out of protest or imagined politeness (I have no idea). I really do not care about the food itself, I just find the experience terribly embarrassing. My main coping strategy in the past has been wine, but this year I am planning to continually chime in about the amount of money (and calories) we can save by not eating in restaurants. We shall see. I am enjoying the other posts on this subject, and I will definitely push the fondue (great idea!) and set menus.

I think there must have been some typo or mistake in the description of being between a size 0 and 2 and then saying the inlaws think she might lose weight. Obviously size 0 is extremely tiny.

I think everyone's advice is right that you need to discuss this with your husband as they are the parents, but ultimately nobody can force you to do these things nor can they force you to eat what they want and they can't force you to let them pay. If that were true, you could just as easily force them to make you pay.

I kind of wonder which restaurant would allow you to split a main course five ways. I can't even imagine any main course being that large to split five ways, but you would not get much.

They obviously don't care about being rude themselves, and overbearing, so why should you be embarrassed to tell them that you want to order what you want, and don't want to split things? People just have to stop letting others walk all over them and saying you can't do anything, because you can. You also don't have to let anyone pay for you at dinner and then regulate what you order. As long as you go along with this thing of accepting others paying for everything, etc., then I do think you don't have much room to complain or can complain, but you can change that.

I think the other things you are embarrassed about are understandable and you can't really do anything about the way they dress (except choose casual restaurants, but they don't sound like the kind to go to expensive places), but the food thing can easily stop. Just say no.

Having been to Europe w/my spouses & my parents as well, I can only say it took us about 24 hours to figure out our travel styles were much different. So, although we did share a few meals together, & did some things together as well. We also parted ways for portions of the trip, particularly meals. Do you have to be w/them 24/7 ? There are very few people (outside of my wife) that I could even begin to tolerate for that amount of time.

You're a grown-up girl now. Say, "No, thank you, I don't feel like sharing. I'm going to have the ___________" and then order it. When the bill comes, offer to pay for it. If they insist, I'd go ahead and let them pay. They'll figure it out eventually.

I have a friend who always wanted to share dinner (money is not an issue here). I finally said, no, thanks, I'm hungry and I want my own dinner. She dropped the sharing thing after a few times and it hasn't hurt our relationship one bit.

I think you and your husband should insist on paying for every meal. They will quickly stop the ordering nothing once they get hungry enough.

If you know they are going to make comments about the foods you order (saying something is too fattening, etc.) Just sit down to every meal and say "Oh, I burned xxx calories walking around today! I'm starved!" Literally do that at every meal (no matter what execerise you did that day).

Btw, I don't think you sound ungrateful. You're trying to find a nice compromise. My in laws are pushy about food as well, they just want me to keep eating it! (they're Greek :)

IF THIS IS NOT A TROLL -

the answer is perfectly simple. You and your husband are adults. It's nice his parents treat you to this trip. Before the trip your husband (they're HIS parents) very nicely tells that that in appreciation you will be paying for all the meals.

Don;t take no for an answer.

When you get to the restaurant your huband informs the maitre'd - or whoever seats you - that the bill is to go to him. Then both of you simply order what you want. If the in-laws insist on sharing a sandwich and a glass of water - just give a larger tip to make up for their silliness.

If you and your husband can;t pull this off - I would stop going - and explain to your in-laws why.

Life is too short for all this angst over nothing.

I agree with Liz2005. And to ensure that you will be paying, either you or your husband should get the waiter/waitress on the side and tell them to make sure the check comes to you.

Is this just a food thing, or do they also control all destination, hotel, sightseeing and timing issues as well? If they feel they have the right to make absolutely every single decision on the trip because they are footing the bill, then I think you are very patient to spend even one week every two years with them!! Being treated like a five year old at a restaurant would not go over well with most adults. The look on my face would speak a thousand words:)

If this is just about food, I would tell them that you and your husband are paying for the meals. If your inlaws decide not to eat for a meal, don't worry, it won't last. VERY few people voluntarily starve themselves for any length of time. They will cave in and eat eventually.

And repeated comments about someone's weight are impolite. Period.

Maddie, apart from the fondue, order raclette; available everywhere in the French Alps, and it's usually all-you can eat. You get a plate of potatoes, charcuterie, and melted raclette cheese. If you leave the charcuterie to your in-laws it's even vegetarian.

nytraveler and I posted at the same time. What a hot topic....

I think it is gross to go on a travel with 2 old nuts who sipmly torturing you and when you object throwing a fits by not ordering anything.
I think if you are going for freebie trip and do not mind embarrasement - do not complain and split your french plate 5 ways (why 5? anyway - isn't it 4 of you or they inviting people from street?)

I am with ira
Assuming that this is not just a troll"

What makes you think this is a troll?

ALL ABOVE and trolls DO post long stories, search if you care,W.

What a brain teaser post! Or wait - maybe they got married at 14 and they are still teenagers? It is certaintly sounds like this.

Have you tried laxatives?
No not for you but for them, sneak a few in their drinks a few hours before dinner and whey hey !! Dinner alone.

;-)

Muck

If they are paying, order what you want. If they don't like it, they won't invite you again. But (as we say in France), tune your violin with your husband before sparks fly.

I'm with Ira. Don't go. I had one of these trips with the inlaws. It's an insult to me to be told what I should or how much I should eat. I'm an adult, I can take care of myself.

If this means that much to your DH, then have him go with them. This is the way we do it. A free trip is not worth all the stress and drama. At least it's not for me. As a matter of fact, DH is in Cape Cod with his parents this week. I have never been there and would have love to have gone but again, it's not worth it when I have someone marking every step I take.

I think you have a good attitude about it Maddie, it's only a week. It's not just food, it's a whole family dynamic. This is time your husband gets to spend with his parents and I wouldn't stop going. Most people only have a couple of weeks of vacation per year. Heck, it's a great thing that you get to see Europe AND get the in-law visit out of the way. It could be worse, imagine if they lived in some small town in the Arizona desert with only a Circle K as an escape.
It did sound as though they had some issues, "they think we are gluttonous free-spenders who are being taken advantage..." There are members of my family who can be like this and I simply start off these conversations by asking investment advice.
Sometimes a good relationship requires a little butt kissing. I like to get along and I found out that sometimes it's just doesn't create happiness down the road to stop doing something like this.
I remember the year I called a moratorium on Christmas. Whew!

I don't think Maddie sounds at all like a troll. She sounds like a woman who needed to blow off some steam. And provided us with an interesting thread.

Could you maybe head them to more casual places? Rather than a "prime table in a French restaurant"...

Try to find some more "Mom & Pop" type cafes? Or even some picnic meals like sandwiches from a bakery? Street fairs where food is sold are always fun. Open air farmer's markets when some hot food stands have offerings. Like that.

You might be able to branch out more without having to make a big stink about it.

I just spent an uncomfortable weekend with the inlaws when I thought I was having a romantic weekend with DH. I'm so glad I found this thread. I still feel like a bitch for the way I feel about my inlaws but I don't feel alone!!!

amwosu, you are not alone, and don't feel bad!!! I only visit the in-laws on special occasions (big anniversaries, family weddings, etc.) My SIL used to go more often. This summer, the climax of her "why I'm not going to visit the in-laws anymore" story involved being told not to order her own food because the portions were large and she could share with her daughter.

Maddie,
This story is a potential classic. I suggest that you write a screen script. I would like to see the movie.

"Gaining points with the DH" is what disturbs me, I would dump him if that is the case.

>>I just spent an uncomfortable weekend with the inlaws when I thought I was having a romantic weekend with DH. I'm so glad I found this thread. <<

Amwosu, I think this deserves its own thread! :-)

Lee Ann

Pardon the expression but...

Tell your husband to "sack" up and deal with his parents.

From your post, Maddie, it sounds more like it's about control and less about money. Frugal is one thing - controlling and cheap is quite another. Of course, it's easy to go along with things sometimes, but here, you (and really - your husband) should stand up. Your in-laws are not treating you like adults. Your husband isn't standing up for himself or for you. Sure, as they're his parents, he should be the first one to try to explain to them that while you appreciate their hospitality, your dining habits work just fine for you, and that you prefer to order what you please, and accordingly, you'll pay for the meals. If he refuses or backs down, then, yeah, it's time for you to take one for the team. I'd give it a couple of patient explanations, but if his parents insisted after a rational and compassionate discussion, I'd simply refuse to keep going on trips with them.

No offense, but by just going along with it, and continuing to cherish these really awkward vacations with his parents, your husband is only reinforcing and supporting their treatment of you two. I know it's difficult, but you may have to be pretty direct about this. It's too passive-aggressive just to order fondue for a whole week.

Good luck!

"I don't know what a troll is, but after reading this I can't believe it is real." My take exactly. This kind of forum is a magnet for wannabe satirists. Either that, or the op's got personal issues that no travel forum can begin to resolve.

Maddie, I don't think your a troll, I and many others have to adjust to others especially in our families.Food is really one of the most enjoyable things especially when traveling,if you can't deal with hurting them ,pick up the tab,let them know how grateful you are,and picking up a few tabs would make you feel wonderful.The other possibility is to go with your husband alone have a nice meal meet them later and split everthing.I hope during these trips your not committed to them 24-7 ? Good luck and I think your really sweet and considerate.Good luck,

What do you all mean by"troll"?