Well, I like Europe a lot and think the idea of living there for awhile would be a good experience. For me.

But when I read your post, I couldn't really tell what you were asking either. If we felt that you should go ahead or not - or if we felt HE should. Not going to get into the whole "if he really felt... then he would ..." thing because that cuts both ways.

But just putting myself in each pair of shoes for a minute (sorry if they stretch). I can see where he would have some really serious misgivings about this idea and how he's getting it presented to him. I don't know - he's never even been in a non-English speaking country. His only trip out was as a teenager (not the most observant of life periods). Now he's being asked if he'd like to pick up and move to a place he's never been, a culture he may know nothing about. Different language; foods; culture; laws; sports; politics; interpersonal relationship styles; perceptions of how he'll be accepted; what it's like to be out of reach of family and all things familiar. Not sure I could do that before at least a couple of advanced scouting visits and I *like* European travel. No way I'd do it sight unseen.

On the other hand, er, foot, to stick with the shoe metaphor. If he's really resistant and you know it's a dream you aren't ready to give up for someone else, then you have a decision to make. Kind of like any couple who don't agree about a major life direction like marriage or kids. If you can't see eye-to-eye, then you're going to have to make a decision and maybe this isn't the right person if your goals are so different. This can't be a compromise issue, can it? No one but you can say, but the half-way point is pretty wet. If I wanted both bad enough, I'd start looking for a way to gently introduce the idea and not have the details laid out in such a way that it looked like a done deal.

You say you know the rules for moving to The Netherlands, so you probably do, but just to warn you; the Dutch have become very difficult about anyone moving to the country. Dutch people, with Dutch passports, even have great difficulty getting a residents permit for their foreign spouses. I just read an article about Dutch expatriates who married while living abroad, who could not move back to The Netherlands because the wife could not get a resident permit.

But if you do succeed; it's a great country to live in. If you persuade your boyfriend to join you for a sabbatical, he can make up his own mind then.

That's interesting Tulips. I also remember reading a while back that the Dutch would refuse work permits to anyone over age 45, even if they had unique qualifications for a long-unfilled position. I wonder if that's still true or whether age discrimination laws have ended that rule.

You won'r even know if you want to move there forever until you give it a year. I moved to ireoland 11 years ago and the first year I said I would give myself a 1 year contract to go away and see how I feel at the end of the year. I did this a few years and then decided to stay so I felt I could go home asd it was temporary. No one can decide in a month just take a year and see how it goes. After a year maybe you want to move elsewhere, stay or go home. What would he gain from this trip> Ask him what he would like to get frpom this experience.

Bottom line - a long sabbatical (e.g. 9 months or more) or a permanent move is going to be very stressful for each of you and your relationship. I've made moves like this several times: a) moved to New York for a job (and broke up with long-distance boyfriend within a month); b) moved to London with boyfriend where we both were keen to pursue a one-year sabbatical and each had jobs (broke up within two months - relationship was a bit rocky and we moved in together for the first time when we arrived in London); and c) moved to Paris with new husband this past summer (so far, so good). In cases (b) and (c), my partner and I both loved travelling, and both had worked and lived in other countries before. Bloody hard anyway.

In the current situation, my incredibly understanding husband gave up a job he liked to move to a country where he doesn't speak the language well and likely will have to secure a job in a mixed English/French environment. While he's a highly evolved male and reasonably happy right now putting our house in order, doing the grocery shopping, cooking, taking French lessons, pursuing personal interests (writing, marathons) and polishing his cv, he's still nevertheless concerned about his career. We've made a financial sacrifice to pursue the opportunity to live abroad. Right now, it seems worth it - but ask us in two years. We will reconsider the decision, depending on how his opportunities shape up. We don't think of this as a permanent thing, but we're not ruling out a permanent move either. We'll re-evaluate periodically.

Honestly, what I think you should do is work with your boyfriend to develop a range of scenarios. For example, my husband and I considered three basic options: (a) a mini, unpaid sabbatical of 3-6 months, possibly in a developing country, where we would volunteer and pursue some personal interests (e.g. languages, scuba, writing); (b) a somewhat longer sabbatical (e.g. 9-18 months) where we would find some kind of employment that covered our costs and offered some career-enhancing opportunities for both of us; and (c) a move of indefinite length (18 months plus) to a country where at least one of us would have a lucrative, career-enhancing opportunity and the other would be able to pursue job opportunities and function at a basic level in the country's language and both of us could expect to feel reasonably confident and comfortable. Opportunity (c) came up first, and we jumped at it. But both of our prior life experiences prepared us for it.

If you and your boyfriend take the time to fully explore the range of options and your respective feelings and concerns about them, you're more likely to reach a consensus and to be comfortable with the decision.

BTilke hit it on the head: too many legal unknowns.

That said, since when does finding and keeping a productive job in one's own country - a large one, culturally diverse, and with many major economic reversals in some areas - so dull, easy, a foregone conclusion, and a sign of the timid and the meek?

Consider that having to possibly fail at home is a lot harder than failing abroad, where one has a built-in excuse.

I understand your Problem, you should speak to your boy-friend first. He might feel that you are talking him on a ride to marriage and intrapment since you have him where you want him and have your plans too.

I am also emailing to find out how I too can make a move to the United Kindom to live out there making a move too. Who do I get in contact with in the U.K. and how? It is a beautiful country and visited some many times that I have fallen in love with the country. I need to make that move... Can you advise me how?
Thanx!
J. Bermudez

Why the Netherlands? Do you have any specific interest with the Dutch culture? language? This strict, flat, grey, cold and wet Calvinist country, currently engulfed into some painful soul searching, does not fit the cliché of the easy going European country. And I am not mentioning the food...

I suggest you show the person you are talking about the respect he deserves and discuss the "issues" which IMO are still very unclear with him, in private.

I think you should heed BTilke's advice and, frankly, ignore the not surprising assertions and assumptions about how a move will automatically "stress" someone, the whole "entrapment" assumption, as well as the absurd IMO description of the Netherlands above.

Gee, Art..your description reminds me, amazingly, like a lot of places in the United Sates.

Intrepid1: Have you ever uprooted your life and moved to another country? It's not unreasonable to assert or assume that such an experience will be stressful. It doesn't necessarily follow (and I didn't intend to imply) that the stress reaction will be negative. Stress reactions are a natural part of adapting to change or new stimuli. In my personal experience (which is what Synada asked for), relocating to foreign countries has been stressful and has involved negative and positive stress reactions, positive ones on balance but it depends on the person and the situation. I think it's important to assume that the experience will be stressful but to prepare yourself so that: (a) you can mitigate negative stress reactions; and (b) encourage positive stress reactions, to help you adapt to the challenges the new environment presents. Where members of a couple are likely to have varying reactions to the change, it's important for both of them to be prepared to deal with the other's differing responses to the same conditions or experiences and find a way to help each other and take strength from each other.