Why Does My Family Always Do This To Me?
 

They did it again! I asked my sister if she and her 2 little boys wanted to split a beach rental with me and my son. Now she says she invited my teenage niece to stay also. She says she'll call and tell her it was a mistake if it's not okay with me. Well, it's not okay with me. It's a very small condo and there won't be a bed for her. I don't want to put my son on the floor. It's not likely my niece will be traveling alone either.

So now I get to be the bad guy and say no to my very sweet niece. Does this normally happen when people split vacation rentals? I mean someone inviting more people w/o checking. How do you handle it?

Yes, it happens more than it should.
When I asked my husband how to avoid these problems, he said Don't do it. :)
I have found that it is rare when you include other people in your plans, that everything goes smoothly.
We quit doing that years ago when we had a beach house.
Good luck with things..

I think if your family always does this to you, you might reconsider offering to vacation with them.

Our family has opted to stay at motels when we vacation together and each family makes its own arrangements. That way, we are all independent of each other and can see each other as much (or as little) as we please.

I think you can tell your sister that there won't be a bed for your niece and your sister can decide which member of her family will sleep on the floor (or she can disinvite your niece.)

Kingfisherqueen, family often makes YOU the bad guy over these kinds of issues unless you are up front with a absolute numbers allowed type of "clause" before outings or vacations are barely initiated. IMHO, coming from a big family, it's just the way it needs to work.

And you happen to be doing this condo rental only once and didn't know that. You don't want to hear my past tales of who is coming to the lake house this time. My grandkids started to bring their cousins without asking. Not anymore.

I don't mind that they come or bring company, but I will decide who is to be asked first before they are asked- so that I have total numbers BEFORE the fact. That's just the way it works. That's why you have to have ground rules, IMHO, for even the simplest group rentals or weekend stays when you are the initiator.

People just assume too much because they are family- and talk before they think. The initiator and reality organizer most often has to be bad guy.
That's why it seldom becomes a cherished role.

If you <b>allow</b> your sister to make you the &quot;bad guy&quot; in this then you need major help.

Your sister is the person who made the &quot;unauthorized&quot; invite, not you. I would tell her in no uncertain terms that you expect her to apologize to your niece and to also make sure she knows that there is not enough room and that your sister made a mistake.

If you don't do this then why would anyone have any sympathy for you..time to take a stand and not be in any way, shape, or form passive aggressive.

Say definately not as we don't have the room but maybe she could make a day visit later.

&quot;Now she says she invited my teenage niece to stay also. She says she'll call and tell her it was a mistake if it's not okay with me.&quot;

Your sister has offered to make the call, so of course you should let her do the &quot;dirty work.&quot; I hope both of them learn a lesson about extending inviations.

Tell your sister that it is perfectly fine that she asked the teenage niece to stay.

Tell her you went ahead and booked the larger condo and how does she want to pay you for the additional $1000 the larger condo cost by cash or check?

I wonder how your niece feels. If I were her at her age I would feel like the unwanted black sheep of the family. I bet that your sister does not want her teenage daughter home alone (if there is not a father or grandparent around). I think that if you can not include all four of them and just three you should not invite any of them. Go ahead and blast me for saying this but I think You are being inconsiderate. I'm sure your sister has a completely different view of this situation.

Jorr, I'm afraid I didn't make myself clear enough. My niece belongs to one of my brothers. She's not my sister's daughter. Gosh, that would be inconsiderate and kind of mean.

Definitely nip it in the bud now! We had that happen once. The house had been reserved for a year, and when the time neared, family forgot about their exchange student. We were over the limit by one, but it worked out with the owners. Since the niece might have a companion, definitely nip it now so you are not scrambling at the last minute. I have learned that if you stay firm, but nice, it tends to stop these things. Once you allow yourself to get walked on...it sets a bad precedent.

I don't understand why people feel they have the authority &amp; right to invite people when they have been invited somewhere...Let her make the call, after all, it is her mistake. I'd probably have some reservations about extending invitations to her going forward as well. That is just plain inconsiderate.

You should ask Abby.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated column in the world -- known for its uncommon common sense and youthful perspective.

http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/

You wrote &quot;Why Does My Family <b>Always</b> Do This To Me?&quot; - why do you keep doing this to yourself?

Was she thinking the teenage niece would be a baby sitter?

Regardless, if you don't want the niece, let your sister do the dis-inviting, or let her know that finding sleeping accomodations for the girl are her responsibility. AND her transportation and supervision and pocket money and television needs and kitchen needs and clothing issues....

Dear Abby vs. Fodorites? Not even a contest. You guys are awesome.

I was just thinking the same thing. I wonder if your sister was thinking &quot;babysitter&quot;.

What about letting her bring a sleeping bag and sleeping on the floor (with or without a friend)? I guess I would just say, the more the merrier.

I am with Cat... I am pretty relaxed about this kind of stuff. We even have the great aerobeds that have sleeping bags attached.
Now the thing that bothers me is that you say the NIECE would also invite someone.
Now that is just a little too much extra invitin' if you ask me... and you did.
But, I have had 3 or 4 extra tag-a-longs and made some awesome memories.
I remember 20 years ago at a tiny lake house once, there were 8 adults and 11 children.
We made a pallet (sp?) on the floor and all the kids slept there... 6 adults fit in the 3 beds and 2 had to sleep in a car. But we had so much fun... being together.

I agree with catbert and TxTravelPro. Your kid (assuming he's under let's say 14) won't mind sleeping on the floor - with his cousins, it'll be like camping out (especially if you convey a sense of adventure when informing him). My kids love seeing their cousins, and all the &quot;roughing it&quot; that comes with it. And the niece will be the builtin babysitter!

P.S. My answer would be totally different if this were adults, or older teens, but it's different with kids.

I agree, since your sis issued the invite, she should take responsibility for the sleeping arrangements, or disinvite the sweet niece without mentioning your preference.

Good luck! You know your sis best.

What's the max. allowed in the condo?

I like gotravel's answer - more people = bigger place @ sis's additional expense. No guilt, no tears and plenty of room for all. She'll either go for it or clean up her act for next time.

I would invite your sweet niece and and adult who's traveling with her, and cancel your sister's invitation. She wanted the niece to go to the beach instead of her, right? ;)

Or send your sister a list of nearby motels.

Why do you let your family members push you around?

I think you should tell your sister to tell the neice that she can come if she doesn't mind sleeping on the floor. That is if you wouldn't mind the extra kid coming. If you do, say tell her the condo is too small. Maybe she can come next time.
I also hate when people assume that my kids won't mind sleeping on the floor and I am footing the bill for the room. I don't mind them sleeping on the floor if Grandma needs a bed to sleep over, but if I am paying for a condo for a week, my kids are getting beds.

HI--sorry I did not read all the replies. I suggest that you have a conversation w/your sister *before* you make plans together and make it clear that you are only extending the invitation to her. If your family always does this, as you say in your post, it is--unfairly--your problem to solve and that can only be done with excrutiatingly clear communication before they can do it again...Good luck. :)

I just thought of this; if your niece puts your family over the fire code limit (usually heads in beds; if there is one king, two queens, and a sleeper sofa, the fire code limit would be 8), the property management company will evict you with no refund.

Before you think that they would not notice, rental companies watch this like a hawk because so many people try and have house parties in rental units. Also, it overburdens housekeeping.

And I wouldn't leave it up to your sister to explain it to your niece. Who knows what she can say to the girl!

I don't see a problem here. If you truly don't want the niece there, just tell her that the place is too small for so many people and you don't want to be crowded. I would also tell my sister not to invite people to my condo without checking with me first, that's very presumptuous. Let your sister un-invite her. Why on earth would you get to be the bad guy?

If it's just the sleeping arrangements that bother you, tell her that you and your son will not give up your beds or room, and that your niece will have to sleep in the living room or in sis's room on the floor a blow-up mattress (supplied by sis or niece of course).

I wouldn't even think of giving up your son's bed to the niece, I can't imagine who would!

PS, this doesn't normally happen when people split vacation rentals. Anytime I've done it, it's with the understanding that only the immediate families of those renting will be staying there.

Invite your sister to think this through. It's very possible that the teenaged niece will want to do activities than the little boys and your son will not - and then who will drive her there or do those activities with her?

If it's a very small condo, you guys are going to be too close for comfort. Your sister either need to pony up for the bigger rental, or dis-invite (and apologize) to your niece.

It's not fair to make everyone cranky from a too-tight living arrangement just because your sister was trying to be nice without any forethought.

Best to handle this ASAP, before the niece gets her hopes up. She is young, and has plenty of other fun things to do this summer.

Alright, it's not fair for people to blame you for your sister's lack of manners (I have 3 of them and know that it doesn't matter what you say, they still do what they want). So, I give you the benefit of the doubt that you did tell her the invitation was for her and the 2 boys, and she just chose not to hear that part or selectively remembered what she wanted. But, as the saying goes, wrong me once, shame on you, wrong me twice, shame on me! I put all my invites in e-mail now with specific details! Especially the ones to family members!

Let the niece come (I like the babysitter idea) and make the sister sleep on the floor!

I loved the idea of having your sister foot the bill for the larger condo. LOL!

Anonymous, I think you miss the point if you really believe the sister calling the niece is the &quot;dirty work&quot;. The problem is that no matter who calls, the niece was invited by one sister and now will be uninvited by the &quot;mean, nasty one&quot;.
The sister who invited her may do the call, but let's face it, the conversation will go something like this, &quot;I'm so sorry. If it were up to me I'd love to have you there, but Aunt Susie doesn't think there's enough room and she doesn't want you to come.&quot;

I too love the idea of getting the larger condo and having your sis pay for it.

Travel only with your own immediate family, i.e. kids, spouse. Never Never include anyone else. It's pretty simple if you stick to those rules. You may have to &quot;downgrade&quot; your accommodations a bit but I'd prefer to have a smaller condo, less expensive hotel/whatever then a bunch of relatives sharing space with me anytime :-) Tell the whole bunch you have changed your plans. Maybe I sound heartless but relatives and sharing accommodations are not a good mix for a fun vacation (particularly one that may be costly)

Gee, some of our best vacations have been spent sharing a beach house with friends or family. It is just the type of vacation that lends itself to a bigger crowd. A lot of people who have replied have overlooked the fact that your sister is paying for half of the condo. She isn't just a guest; I agree that inviting someone else under those circumstances would be very rude. Still if you don't want the niece because the place is too small you need to speak with your sister and explain the situation. No matter who tells her though she will know that it is coming from you. You just have to be OK with that.

I missed the part about &quot;splitting&quot; the rental--i.e the paying for it part, if that is what you meant. It seems that if Sis invited niece, she is inviting her to share *her* half and not yours....It is completely appropriate for you to assume--altho from what you say, you will have to tell her clearly and not assume--that she will make any accomodations that are necessary, like an air mattress, etc.

If someone in the family har an air bed (I love my Aerobeds!), that solves the problem. Since your niece is the last invitee, she would get the air bed. You son should get his bed. :-)

Because they can.

Refer to post above on the ark I am building - you keep the sister, I get the sweet niece on the ark.

LOL Gail. What if my niece invites a few extra people? Will she be able to bring them along?

We just went through a similar thing with my mom and aunt, bottom line was that we figured out that my aunt makes us all miserable and angry because we allow her to. Once we backed off from her family, made other plans, and just see them less frequently at other family events, we are much happier. It took alot for my mom to get over her guilt and not to feel like a bad guy, but I think that is how they wanted her to feel. We don't care how we are viewed anymore and we are much more content now that we are more in control. Make the call.

I decided to tell sis it was okay as long as niece understood she would have to sleep on the floor. I do love my niece and would like to see her.

I'm sure sis was originally thinking &quot;babysitter.&quot; I got an email from her this morning. It seems she just realized that a) it's beach week for graduating seniors, b) as a graduating senior, niece will not be putting changing her toddler cousin's diapers at the top of her agenda, and c) she will probably have friends with her.

If I ever lose my mind again and decide to share a rental with my family, I will be sure to have a &quot;we must all agree BEFORE extra invitations are issued&quot; discussion You would think it would be obvious to adults of our ages, but I guess not.

Thanks to everyone for your responses.