Can't say that "cover the plate" is a NE thing as I've lived in So Cal my whole life and knew about this.

As for funerals, when my father passed away my mother and I were astounded at the amount of money people sent to us! We were totally unprepared for that. Since arrangements for my father were relatively inexpensive (no funeral, a memorial service, and free burial in national cemetary), we really felt badly taking this money. Instead, we donated all of it to the American Cancer Society in his name and indicated such on the thank you notes we sent out.

Since then, I now tuck away a bit of money inside of a sympathy card when notified of a death. Or, if the family indicates, make a donation to the charity of their choosing. I never send flowers, but that's a personal thing.

For those of you who follow the "cover your plate" rule, how do you find out what that actually is?

Greenhouse--
You never really know what the cost is (or shouldn't!) it's just a kind of rule of thumb...If you know a wedding is at say a Ritz or Hyatt, following the rule would mean you give more than if it were in a less expensive venue. Obviously, you should give what you feel is right and can afford :)

OWJ

It was an interesting thread to read.

Weddings/showers and the cultural gifting that surrounds them are extremely different by ethnic culture/region in the USA- and maybe within different religions as well.

But almost across the board the Chicagoland bride usually has a huge shower or several AND gets gifted at the wedding as well.

Someone told me that per capita the most money is spent on Weddings in the Midwest. I don't know if that's true, but I do know I am going broke because I have a bunch of good friends that have been like life-long sisters to me and they all have children having weddings. I average about one or two a month right now.

Sometimes I have to pass when I would really like to go, but I can't afford to gift for both shower and wedding. So if I do make the shower and I don't know the bride or groom very well, just their parent, then I oftentimes will pass on the Wedding and send my regrets. Most of these weddings are between 200 and 250 people at least anyway, so they understand and don't mind.

You need to be like Solomon on these decisions. And of course Thank You notes are always required by those that receive gifts of money or property/items at any event.

I feel like nytraveler, that I can not give someone a "gift" if it is less than what they are actually giving me. In other words, if I'm going to a country club and having an excellent meal, live band, and drinks etc. that I will always give beyond the costs of all that. That's just how I feel, but I don't hold it against others who don't gift that way.

My parents are in their mid-eighties and think they are giving a good gift at $80, and I have tried to explain to them- but they just don't see it that way. They can afford to see it differently but just won't.

I've only been to one backyard reception in my life and they wanted money (I knew because I asked)and so that is what they got. And it was fun but ultimately a semi-diaster because after dinner the toilet broke in the house and backed up and they didn't have any fall back plan for that. It made for a short reception.

All the brides I have given to in the past (and there have probably been at least one hundred if not more) have all wanted MONEY, not gifts. We give gifts at showers and not at weddings. And they register in the stores for the shower gifts. It isn't unusual for the couple to receive BIG gifts now at showers. One I just went to received her honeymoon trip and a $1500 set of China, for example.

Thank God all my kids are married. Weddings cost way, way too much money the way most people want to do them in our next of the woods. I would love the Southern tradition of an afternoon Church wedding, with a tea and crumpets thing in the basement or hall afterwards instead of these 3 and 4 day extravaganzas around me.

The most amusing thing for me has been the realization that although I may have been told all my life (from mother and grandmothers) "That simply is not DONE!", "it" was being done...somewhere! :-)

First, to OWJ, again I apologize for being overly sensitive. I know what you were trying to say. Sorry for my sour attitude. I remember now that you're in Atlanta, so you know all about us peaches!

Starr, we could start an entirely different thread on alcohol at weddings. The differences on that one could go on for days.

My entire family converted from being nothing to being Southern Baptist when I was 10. Dad gave up alcohol completely. Not that he was a lush before but his mind was made up. No more alcohol.

When the time came for my wedding, Dad had Parkinson's and dimentia. But when he heard we were considering having alcohol at the reception (which hubby and I were paying for totally), he was coherent enough to shout at me that there would be no alcohol. He'd been a deacon too long for that to happen.

I will note that when he started to complain about dancing, I put my foot down. That was something I'd wanted since I was a little girl and that one I was willing to stand up for.

So we didn't have booze. I think some of our friends wondered why but I let them know if they wanted to bring it and drink it outside, they were welcome to do so. It was an evening reception in the boonies (near Coweta County!) so I was glad not to send any intoxicated guests out on winding roads anyway. And it saved us a ton of money.

At the same time, I know that some people might have considered me a recalcitrant host for not providing booze. I just wanted to honor Dad's wishes. He never said so but I think he did appreciate that respect.

I'm sure he DID appreciate your respecting his wishes. My family wasn't Southern Baptist, but most of my parents friends are. Alcohol at the reception in the church hall was never an option of course. One of my favorite pictures of my brother is of him spiking the punch bowl at my sister's wedding reception (NOT at a church) after most of the guests had gone and only family and close friends were still around. It was my grandmother's vodka I believe :-). My family drinks and serves wine at meals, mixed drinks at parties, etc - just no alcohol at wedding receptions held at church locales. And that does save considerable money as well!

I am learning... and not only geography :)

As a recent newlywed and west coaster, I experienced many of these different gift-giving regional/cultural differences. My husband is from Long Island, land of the black tie bar mitzvah and the break the bank black tie weddings. I am from SF where I had not attended a large number of weddings, but whatever you want to do is generally accepted. Gifts? In SF, you just get a gift off of the registry. NY - it's a whole different story. Living in NY for a a few years and dating and being married to my current husband taught me a whole different world of gift giving which we still follow today.

On Long Island, among his circle of family and friends, it is customary to get a gift off of the registry for the engagement gift. Even if there is no engagement party, you get a gift (I don't agree as I believe engagement gifts are given only if there is a party). So, upon our engagement, the first question asked was, "Where are you registered???" This is how we got a lot of our gifts - only from the NYers. At our wedding, the Californians got us gifts off of the registry and we got checks/cash from the NYers (including my east coast family members). Looking, back I especially appreciated the gifts of cash b/c it helped us with a downpayment and we used it for whatever else we needed like our honeymoon etc. I now only give cash to people as wedding gifts.

This has been much fun to read...filled the slow hours this afternoon. We are in the midst of planning a wedding and I didn't realize so much of what we have just assumed to be the "way to do things" was actually regional. It went without saying that one got married in a church, on Sat afternoon, and the reception was near-by, if not in the Fellowship Hall. Alcohol, if served, was almost apologized for and dancing is not even discussed. Food is rarely more than cake (of course there are 2 - the Bride's cake and the chocolate Groom's cake), punch (often to match the bridesmaids' dresses), nuts, cheese straws and tea sandwiches. Chicken fingers or beef borders on pretension. Showers call for a smaller gift, the wedding something a little more formal, and a tea or coffee is just a convenient place to personally deliver the wedding gift. Money is not even an option.
In a way, I am glad to find out that my insistence on some of these traditions is just affirming my children's Southern heritage.

I read this thread because I recently got married in the South. It's interesting how weddings bring up all sorts of issues with gifts, what's appropriate, etc.

At our wedding, we registered but we also got checks from people that didn't attend. I don't think that there is any right or wrong answer. I think that it's always been customary to spend money on a wedding gift. However, I do agree that the shower process hasn't gotten out of hand and has become a gift free for all.

What I do is try to estimate the cost of the reception per head, which is usually about $80-150/head, and multiply it by two for the gift from my spouse and I. I think that it is customary, but of course you can do what you think is most appropriate in light of your closeness to the couple. FYI, if you're looking for where they're registered at go to theknot.com and you can do one search on most department store registeries (meaning that one search on theknot will provide you with the registries and links to all of the places the couple is registered at.).

Okay, here goes........I am an ex New Yawka. Italian, and was raised Roman Catholic. (now Episcopalian)

We gave cash, covered our plate, and did not give a 'gift instead'. Like a toaster or something, you just did not do it.

And yes, you always gave a check in the Mass Card when someone died.

I shall have to break out the flame proof jammies, because I am going to observe MY EXPERIENCE with MY WEDDING.

My family from NYC 'gave more money'. Actual dollars. I can't say that they were more generous, because they could afford more than the people that are here in PA. I married a dairy farmer and live in a very rural area. People gave whatever they could afford, and I was appreciative for anything. I had one family give us a five dollar gift. That was fine. I am not the type of person that is hung up on things and money. If I was I would not have moved here from NYC and live in an area that doesn't pay well.

It was a suprise though to see such a marked difference between his side and my side. Not something I ever would have thought about before hand.

I had to try to fit in here when I came too. I am used to very formal weddings where people are dressed to kill. Here people wear blue jeans to weddings. No I am not kidding.

Girlonthego, you will get a million answers. Do what makes you feel comfortable. I may get more "dressed up" than people around here and I guess my husband was told that I "overgifted" but, I just do what I feel in my heart is right. That is all you can do.

So funny, here I am a grandma who hopes just once one of mine will meet up with a Southern belle so I could enjoy a simple wedding again. Or if not that then, oh, for the old fashion Italian beef/ Knights of Columbus hall reception blast.

And even funnier is that the son who feels just like I do about simplicity- ended up having one closer to Joan Rivers' daughter's. Love does that to people.

Someone asked about costs. I think that you need to gift at least $100 per person attending just to cover the reception, IMHO. The last one I went to in May, they also gifted you a Mikasa bud vase to take home and for anyone who was served from the open bar all night plus dinner, that alone, would probably have run over $100. You also get cake to take home at nearly every wedding I have been to in IL and now they are starting with family and friend video copies. It is a big business that's for sure.

I am soooo glad I have sons, lol! Otherwise, I think my head might pop off from all of the spinning :D

Forget about the wedding gift...what to wear to a wedding is the more important question/problem ;)

Ausc59, you simply cannot leave out the cheese straws at a church fellowship hall wedding reception! Just wouldn't be proper without them. I think about 95 percent of the wedding receptions I went to growing up were exactly as you described. And the punch matching the bridesmaid dresses (and dyed to match shoes) was priceless.

My first experience at a different kind of wedding was in Chicago and I was a bridesmaid. Wedding was in a church and reception in a banquet hall. What a difference! Dancing...booze...sit down diner. I was really surprised but I loved it.

I can still remember being asked to dance by another groomsman to Johnny Mathis' "Chances Are." Funny what you remember, eh? That's what made me decide for sure I'd have dancing at mine, Baptist or not!

girlonthego - What an interesting thread.

I grew up in the U.K. and the customs here in the US are certainly different and I believe have changed over the years.

I always gift a gift at wedding showers. The checks I give for the wedding are always promptly cashed and the thank you note often says how the bride and groom are going to spend the cash gift.

If other neighbor's are invited can you discreetly inquire from them what the norm is? I personally would just give what you feel comfortable with and attend. Perhaps your presence will be the best gift of all. I cringe when I hear people talking about who they can cut from their wedding guest list. Think how wonderful it is to have so many friends and family close by to invite and share this special time.

Best wishes to enjoy yourself.

Sandy

Remember the days of the "hope chest"? I had one - a Lane cedar chest that I received upon my engagement.

I tucked away little household goodies like towels, a blanket, etc.

Do brides-to-be still use a "hope chest"? Or has that tradition now been replaced with big showers? (btw, I had a shower but it was very modest in comparison to what I see today).

I'm from the Midwest and never heard of the cover your plate rule.

I rarely give cash, unless I don't know the couple very well, or I know they are just starting out and could really use it. Most of the couples we know getting married now are older and aren't starting out broke like we did.

I love the recipe book idea. Some other good ideas I've seen are: a bottle of wine with a picnic basket, picture frames (they'll have lots of wedding and honeymoon pictures), or gift certificates to nice restaurants.

I loved the idea of money for the country they are going to on thier honeymoon, as long as you know they would get it before they left. We left right after the wedding and didn't open presents until we got home.

R5~yup and it a member of my own family! My brother (most entitled and considers himself the standardbearer of all liberal thought) did this. They took it one step more:they planned their honeymoon (No California coast) and mapped out where they wanted to stay. They then contacted friends and family members and assigned "gifts". So,
we were hit up for a night@ Rachel Binan's guest house which is a lovely place to stay but I would have preferred the option of giving something else~ Perhaps,Miss Manners Guide to The New Millenium!

Mind you these are the same folks who kept emphasizing to us(yup, your Pals the Ps) that theirs was a "non-traditional wedding". Oy Oy Oy!

The honeymoon thing happened at a friend's wedding but it was more subtle. They had a box for donations toward their honeymoon cruise. I didn't feel comfortable "donating" but I created the groom's cake and was helping with the catering for this casual 2nd wedding. The bride wore my wedding dress for her first big Catholic wedding in a cathedral so I did not think the absence of my "donation" to the cruise mattered. I don't know how I would react if the donations were via online or "assigned". Geez!

Don't speak so soon, seetheworld. My one son's was the real killer- much, much more $$$ than my daughter's or other childrens' combined. Sons don't exempt you fully from costs. Plus you don't get much input either, especially if it is at a distance from where you live. And in our area, it is the groom's family's tradition to host the rehearsal dinner. For the other sons it was at my home.

NOOOOOOO! Not for this one. This was way too far from our home so it got compacted within one part of a 3 day "rent the entire Hyatt Rosemont spectacular". The church and all the events were about 100 miles away and so we all had to stay up there in hotel suites. Just the clothes for this thing sent my oldest son's family (5 people standing up in his family alone)back over $1200. Can you say- "How much is this flower girl dress?" My parents, his grandparents wouldn't stay there- didn't feel comfortable with the glitz. My brother ended up taking them home. Oh well, you can't please them all.

One of the funniest things I can remember about the last day was going to the bar in the lobby and ordering a Cosmopolitan and my daughter saying "Mom, do you know how much that just cost you?" And I replying, "Right now I really don't care."

But not to worry. They are happy, and my ex instigated so much business at the wedding that he ended up paying for the rehearsal dinner, wedding spa makeovers, most of the flowers, and almost everything our family was involved with but the rooms. They had a "limo bus" for the entire wedding party (about 17 people) to take pictures in the park, Church, pre-reception cocktail and tidbit room, dinner, dance, sweets reception, morning-after bridal breakfast for those before flights- and it really did last 3 full days. It was a wedding/vacation. It's what her parents and her one Grandmother WANTED. But I got a great daughter-in-law and I also got to roam and learn the Rosemont/OHare area somewhat in the off times. I'm not really a spa person.

OH....MY.....GOODNESS!

Wow.

Maybe she really is Joan Rivers' long lost other daughter.

Everytime I drink a cosmo I'll think of you! :-)

Wow!! I disappeared for the day and was looking to see if maybe a few responses came in and it has taken me over an hour to read all of these posts!!!
First, the reference to food was there may not be any.
Second, I am not invited to the religious ceremony(mormon), just the reception in a backyard at another neighbor's house.
Third, the couple is young early twenties. They live in an apartment and are finishing their degrees.
Fourth, the mother and I are friendly, neighborly, the younger sister is friends with my girls.
I believe we are all going to be invited. I am not sure yet. The mother has explained that the invite is late. I also think she may have registered at a local store. I will check into it.
I was married almost twenty years ago. I haven't been to a wedding outside of the NJ/NY area in about 10 years. We all gave money and yes we tried to cover our plate.(at least at a reasonable place) I was brought up to think as if the bride and groom were footing the bill. A friend of my moms used to wait to see if they were served beef or chicken before they wrote the check at the reception! That is so tacky!!
I did a dollar dance at my wedding!! (This was new to me-my husband is a german with immigrant parents).
I can not believe the responses on this thread and am glad to hear all the different opinions. The parents are southerners, but I think a check or a gift card to the store of her choice might be appreciated since they are so young and can probably use it. I remember getting a vase at 23 that I thought was nice. I had no idea that it was a valuable crystal. I am sure the giver spent a lot of money, but I was in need of towels and sheets and a tv!! I did get a great gift. A set of really nice pots and pans. One of my bosses was a gourmet cook and gave me a great set. Everyone does need pots and pans!!
So, I will check her registry profile and see what is there.
I think the North/South difference is that the Northerners tend to have more elaborte weddings. Also, growing up in NJ, the weddings tended to be more ethnic. The more ethnic, the more cash that was given. I have cousins in the Atlanta area and attended a wedding there many years ago. There were tiny hors dorves (?spell) and cake. We came hungry and went out to dinner after. I guess we didn't know what to expect. We were also way over dressed!!!! Saturday evening weddings in NJ meant you could wear your sequins!!! This has been fun. I will keep you all updated. And I will keep the sequins in the back of my closet!!!!LOL!

Geez, JJ5! I think my contribution to my sons will be my old hope chest or maybe a big fat bribe to elope!!

OMG, girlonthego, sequins are out? When was someone going to tell me! :D

Do you know, see the world, that my best friend who has been like a second mother to my son Tom, actually told him she would pay him to elope when she saw a fraction of the fallout! Honestly and she wasn't kidding.

Also dsm22, try three quarters Sicilian /one quarter German / Roman Catholic Chicago immigrant 200 plus immediate family member family marrying into the Polish/Irish Immigrant Roman Catholic Princess of the North Suburbs with about 100 business associates of the Groom's father and about 100 business associates of the Bride's father WEDDING. That was it- last June 25, 26, 27 2004.

Yes, there was cash as presents.

And do you know that I went to Carsons two weeks before the wedding and bought a dress off the rack for $90 and looked better than his new wife.

SMILE!

JJ5, I am 1/2 sicilian, so ya got me beat. I did however need to cut my guest list down from 252 people to 140. I won't go into why, it is a long story, but I know what you mean!

Way to go JJ5! It is always a good thing to be the first wife looking better than the second!!Ha ha.
And yes sequins. OH Yes..You should have seen the old ladies in their sequins. Actually, since this is an anonnymous board, I wore them too and I had big hair!!!

If anything, this thread just reminds my how big our country is, and how there really is no "typical" rules of etiquitte. I was married in San Diego, then had a typical Hawaii reception at home in Honolulu a month later. Add in all my southern relatives. In San Diego we got mostly gifts- all delivered to my parents house in advance. The southerners all sent gifts from department stores. In Hawaii, money is the gift of choice, brought to the reception, then labelled and deposited in a big decorated box with a slot on the top. This is so common, it no longer applies to any ethnicity.

Filipino weddings usually have a money dance, Chinese often have a lion dance (where you deposit bills into the lion's mouth).

Japanese tradition is cash-crisp new bills- and parents keep close track so at the next wedding you give similar to what you received.

I don't exactly 'cover my plate', but if our family of 4 attends a fancy hotel reception, I will certainly give more than if only I go. I usually start at $100 if we attend, more if we're close or less if we don't go, but still want to give the couple a little something.

My daughter just graduated from high school. She got tons of envelopes with $40 or $50 inside, and we gave similar amounts (along with lei after the ceremony). I think in the end it all works out...I give lots, my friends give lots, the old aunties some times give lots and sometimes give $5. I really don't care, but it is interesting!

BTW-In Hawaii, you also enclose $10 or $20 when you send a sympathy card.

My friends and sisters (in various parts of the country) always call before sending to find out what's done in that part of the country, which is really the nicest way fit in.

My husband and I grew up in the Midwest and we live in Southern CA and we never have followed the "Cover your plate" rule. We didn't expect anyone to do that at our wedding and certainly don't plan to do it for other weddings. WE give according to how well we know the people who are getting married. WE have been invited to weddings where we barely know the parents, let alond the bridal couple. We usually give them a gift from their registry whether we are able to attend or not. As far as giving money it depends on if we know they need the money or if they are moving right after the wedding (so hard to move gifts too) and we frequently give gift cards. Some of the most popular cards we have given seem to have been for nice restaurants in the area where the couple live or a gift certificate at a hotel or well known Inn. Just depends on the couple. We do know others need gift cards from places such as Target, Home Depot, etc. and give them cards from there. It really does depend on how well you know them and what you know they need or want. I rarely give cash but have in a few cases when I know they need it.

Also, we do give money to many people for funerals. We give flowers if it doesn't say no flowers but if they list several charities, etc. we give them money that they can give to the charity of their choice. I also don't care if they use the money for themselves if they have a special need. It is for them to do as they see fit.

This thread has been fascinating. I am re-evaluating the gifts I have given and hope they have been adequate!

What totally surprised me was the idea of giving money at funerals. I have never heard of this custom, but am I one of the only ones? I have made donations to a charity in the deceased's honor from time to time but never thought it was expected. Is this also a North/South or East/West varying custom?

I have only put money in the sympathy/mass card a couple of times. Both times, the remaining spouse/family was not in the best financial situation. We figured rather than a large floral arrangement, money was more necessary.
On the wedding topic, the cover your plate rule was a guideline. We never did this unless we knew the bride and groom were footing the bill and of course these weddings were usually modest anyways.
This has been fun. She is registered. So, I am browsing the list. If I am not sure what, I will get her a gift card to that store. This way she can buy it after she moves or whatever she doesn't get that she really wants/needs.

I've been fascinated by this thread, too!

There's no way I'll do the cover your plate. They picked the place, it's not my job to subsidize it. Our gifts will always be based on relationship.

In the very rural area I hail from, funerals don't have many flowers; florists are few and far between. (And the people are really practical.) When my dad died two years ago, most of the cards we received had money in them -- $10 or $20 usually. On the thank yous I wrote that the money would be used in the community. My mom has made donations to the rural fire department, etc. These givers knew we didn't need the money, but it's considered a "memorial" -- and the family gives it to charities in the deceased's name. And, as Catholics, we received the $5 Masses, also.

Keep the responses coming! I'm learning so much.

KathrynT - I am with you - I have never heard of money at funerals and have never received any in connection with one...so if it is Southern, it's not from my neck of the woods! We either send flowers or donate - seems to be more a generational thing about that...the elder generation still asks for flowers, the younger prefers donations to charity. It is always appropriate to send food - before, during and after! Casseroles, ham, cakes and salads, cokes and ice, paper products...things that can be set out and nibbled on throughout the day as family comes and goes...always in a disposable container!

One thing for sure...lots of us will look at our gift giving, or not giving as the case may be, in a different light! One of use was born and raised in the north, the other in the south and we've lived all over so weddings we've attended cross a broad spectrum.

We've had invitations where we've barely known either the couple or their parents, or in waaay too many occasions, they are employees, my DH is "the boss", and in a big hotel, if you start giving for every one of your employees that sends an invitation, it would mount up fast! We just can't do that, nor can we selectively go to some of their weddings but not others.

The rule of thumb used to be that if you were invited to the reception and attended, a gift was mandatory. It was not if you were invited just to the service and not reception. If you did not attend either, no gift was necessary although if it was someone you were even "sort of" close to, but you had other commitments that day, you would of course gift anyway.

My parents in the north and his in the south have all passed away, but I don't think any money changed hands--flowers sent for all but my Mom's, where we had specified that in lieu of flowers, donations be made to Hospice. It would never in the wide world occur to me to send money with a sympathy card!!

All this makes you wonder how many gaffes you've unwittingly made, in others eyes anyway, doesn't it?!

This has been an interesting thread and I do wonder how many times I've made errors in the eyes of others. We are from the Midwest and we were always under the impression that you send a wedding gift whether you attend or not if you were invited to the wedding.

Things change. I remember when I had baby showers, it was in someones home with dessert and no one heard of a registry for baby showers. I work with a young work force and the showers I've been invited to, the young mom's to be are all registered and it is in a rented hall with usually a buffet dinner or if in someone's home, a sit down dinner.

Wow, money in sympathy or Mass cards. I had no idea. Imagine the social faux pas that have I committed? I generally make a donation to the family's charity of choice and if I'm close with the family, we send a meal too. (Unless they have gotten too much food which often happens!!)

When my grandparents each died, no money was sent directly to us. To charities, yes but not to family members.

I've always asked what the family prefers before doing something...how would one tackfully ask if they should send cash??

tact+fully ooops, not tack!! Ouch!

This has made me stop and think long and hard. I had no idea that people gifted so minimally, especially out West- I knew many Southern weddings were very simple- but didn't know that lots of other places, the bride and groom really are paying for their own wedding reception.

You should hear all the jokes I've heard coming up over all the years about "the fifty dollar cousins" etc. Kind of like one priest, one Rabbi on a golf course etc. We are like "the village" supporting the young couple as they start.

Also money is given at wakes/funerals in the Mass cards or sympathy envelopes for the same reasons.

But then again- we have ONE wedding to an individual, regardless of how life hands out the cards. Even widows/widowers don't do the celebration in the same way- much more privately.

More from the West coast but actually from a transplanted Eastern seaboard gal:

When my east coast cousin was married, her mother had just died.We were invited but did not go.It was a very BIG wedding on the Cape(Chatham). I sent an old photograph of our mutual (her mother's and my father's) grandmother as a young woman. I had it matted and framed. She loved it! I really don't think anything else would have meant as much no matter what the cost.

When someone dies, I always send a sympathy card and will sometimes make a donation if I feel particularly close to or fond of that person. If the family is in the immediate area, we always offer to cook for them. I have made donations to have masses said.
Whnever someone in our neighborhood has a baby of faces some other kind of major life upheaval we also offer to cook. It's the "covered dish rule" I actually did grow up with.

Bat Mitzvahs and Bar Mitzvahs: it's always different. We also have never subscribed to the "cover your plate" rule here. We have been to a wide range from the small non-traditional to the tastefully elegant to the events that truly do go on for days. We have given things we have felt were symbolic of the event. For the girls we have given things like books about women of the Hebrew bible or lovely Miriam's cups.(The Miriam's Cup was the biggest hit). I have always been a bit taken back when informed girls are registered at places like Tiffanys. I am equally taken back when I have been directed to purchase gift cards at places like the Good Guys. It really feels like we have all strayed far from the meaning and it also feels immensely impersonal.

Thank you notes: I always send them immediately. I have, over the years, strayed from the Cranes Informals and now often will send a greeting card note. I am also a bit taken back when folks do not send them. It seems(bear with the crabby old woman here)increasingly common that the children of our peers (and even our relations) have never been given the training to
do so.We make certain we send notes to them when we have received something in hopes it will model good behavior.

I have never worn sequins, am fascinated by bugle beads and still wear a hat when I enter catholic churches.