ttt pretty interesting hmmmm....

"Cover your plate" rule. Wow. Have never heard of this either.

I was raised in TX and now live in CA. I live in a southern CA small town and everyone here is very extravagant with gifts. Much of it is trying to impress the others, IMO. My OD is graduating from high school today and the nieghbors and friends generosity for this event has been overwhelming. These people just love to give nice gifts. It is wonderful. Problem is, I can't afford the same.

Back to weddings. I love to give the bride and groom something that "we" have grown to love, not live without. We love to cook, so I try to get them some cooking gadgets we can't live without, or some awesome pan they will use everyday. Not into the china, crystal, silver stuff that sits in the hutch.

More practical. I have never spent more than $75 on a gift. I have also given carving sets, or knives that we love to use. Quality stuff. But maybe on sale.

You know I think the "cover the plate" cost is just a reality check for the current cost of a wedding and therefore a wedding gift has a range of monitary propriaty. For example, to host a wedding in the Northeast is generally an average of about $15,000 so to give a gift with a value of $15 would seem way out of line. Given the fact that a half gallon of milk now cost almost $3.50. My point is, times have changed and costs have risen so naturally a gift should reflect that as well.

For a close family member, close niece, nephew, etc. I would spend $100 to $200. Child of a friend, distant relative (cousins etc.) $50-$75.

I would really hope to find something unique as a gift, something the couple would be proud to own but may not think to purchase or spend their money on. A monogramed sterling silver laddle or a set of sterling candlesticks would usually fill the bill. Of course, the registry can be the biggest help when deciding which way to go, however, always try to jump on that asap as the gifts get purchased quickly and you may only be able to choose from the $$$$$ expensive items.

Starr, did your Southern grandmothers also insist on thank you notes? CMC's post made me think of that.

Even though my parents are Midwesterners, it got drilled into me soon after we arrived in Georgia. At just about every shower I went to growing up, there was a young lady posted by the bride to write down what the bride received and who gave it. I did it for my sister at her showers.

I started writing my thank you notes for gifts the evening after my first bridal shower because I knew if I didn't, they would never get done. My husband couldn't figure out why I was so pleased that I had them all done within a month after my wedding. Felt like a personal triumph!

This is a fascinating thread. Another variable I suspect is at play...generational differences.

starrsville,

I'm an Alabamian, and my grandmother or mother would turn over in their graves if they ever thought I gave money as a wedding gift!
In our part of the south, wedding receptions are most often cocktail buffet types of affairs, with plenty of food.

I'd be willing to bet that nobody in our town has ever heard of the "cover your plate" rule. I really had no idea what that meant!

Gifts here are:

For family and close friends: Preferably a place setting in chosen sterling pattern, or if the bride has inherited silver, place setting or serving pieces in her "good" china.

For others:
Chosen items from local gift shops.

When our daughter married several years ago, the only cash they received was from an elderly house-bound relative.

This is all so interesting...you learn something new everyday!

As a regular ol' middle class person, I couldn't imagine spending more than $100 on a wedding gift. I'd go broke.

altswan, my mother also insisted on hand written thank you notes and I got started on them right away after showers so that I wouldn't be bogged down by the wedding. She made me also send them out for graduation gifts and told me that if I didn't, none of those same friends and family would be buying me a wedding gift. :)

It's a habit my southern mother got me into early on and I'm glad she did because it's still a habit to this day. In this day of modern communication I can understand electronic thank you's and I'm not offended by them at all. However, handwritten notes of acknlowedgement for gifts of special favors is still such a nice touch.

atlswan, I wrote and then backed out of a post regarding Thank You notes. YES! Thank you notes are required and we were not allowed to use a birthday gift until the Thank You note had been written and addressed. (Mom would stamp and mail the envelope). It trained us well - and I do treasure the Thank You notes from kids in the extended family and have saved them through the years.

Here's what I didn't post before -

In perhaps an unnecessary attempt to prove that I am not a lousy wedding gift-giver (evidently just a Southerner :-)), here's the latest thank you note -

Dear Starrsville,
Groom and I are still in awe over the Tiffany & Co. vase. It is absolutely beautiful! It was even a treat jus opening the package. They really had it fixed to the T! I is definitely one of our favorite girsts. We are so happy that you got to come to our wedding. It meant a lot.
Love,
Bride & Groom

Is this another custom thing? We rarely take wedding gifts on the wedding day but send or have them sent to the bride before the wedding (actually shortly after the invitation is sent).

That strange word was supposed to be "gifts" - not a wild version of grits! :-)

Good job, atlswan! Glad to know the thank yous are not hopelessly lost.

We have always operateed under the cover your plate rule - since my friends first started getting married - like 25 years ago. (An
nd previous my mother had used it for family etc.)

In this area that usualy means that a couple should give a gift in the $200 minimum area - more for a very close relative - less for the child of a not so close friend (in which case we often don't bother to go).

Whenever possible we just order something from wherever the couple is registered - unless we know them well enough to pick out something special.

bogger, I hate to appear dense (or just a dumb ole Southerner) but I repeat....

I do not see ANY correlation between where the bride and groom choose to have their wedding ceremony and/or reception and the dollar amount I choose to spend on a gift that celebrates their wedding and union as one.

What on God's Green Earth does one thing have to do with another?!?!?

If you choose to have a fancy schmansy wedding you "deserve" a fancier gift than if you choose to get married barefoot in the backyard?!?!?!?

That's poppycock. Maybe cultural poppycock, but poppycock!

What are we celebrating here - the wedding event or someone's deep pockets - or not-to-deep pockets if someone expects me to "cover my plate"? I'm with the earlier poster. If the price of my attendance at a wedding is the catering charge for me and my guest, I respectfully decline. If you want me there to celebrate your union, I'm there "with bells on" - and a gift will have already been sent to the bride.

I'll shut up now.

Atlswan, I have a lot I'd like to say regarding your post (all supportive) but have already posted too much on this thread. Are you at all interested in meeting me and another Fodorite for lunch tomorrow in the Alpharetta area around 1:15 or so?

In New England, cash gifts are often brought to the wedding; gift items are usually sent before. Most people give cash, $50-$100, but a close friend or relative probably most often gives a gift. Registry items are usually given at showers. "Cover your plate" generally applies, and Thank You notes are a MUST.

I wonder if the casual, outdoor wedding stems from the better weather down south. Northerners almost always book restaurants, and the caliber has increased along with everything else, as the "keeping up with the Joneses" disease spreads.

I loved the old thread about doing a budget wedding. Someone's daughter gave the best advice: Don't even start looking at the Bride magazines!

Oh - I think Girl's comment about the questionable food was meant to indicate that she is not sure if a dinner is being served.

I think she is going to have to bring a gift of about $30-$40; then no one really knows what amount she spent, and she does it in southern style.

"cultural poppycock"? Is that a dig on my comment, starrsville. I suggest you consider it geographical/regional poppycock then.

Starr, that's so nice! I really would like to do that. Alas, I work near Tech campus and just getting up to Alpharetta (one of my many roosting spots over the years) would take up my lunch hour entirely.

However, I'm leaving my job in August (been supporting hubby through law school, now it's his turn!) and will have ample time then for such a nice occasion. Maybe then?

Thanks for bein' sweet as tea. ;-)

Sorry for jumping back in but want to assure seetheworld that "poppycock" didn't apply to her - or anyone else.

Just my grandmother's voice (and word) popping out of me!

I used "cultural differences" in my post to the budget wedding thread. My words - and I promise no dig to anyone who has posted. I've really enjoyed this thread - just have absorbed all I can without saying too much :-) - at least without continuing to "open mouth, insert foot"!

Starrsville, let's just elminate the problem of weddings by just suggesting everyone cohabitat! Oh, just kidding...that might just open up a whole other can of worms ;)

Starrsville: I meant to add earlier that I think it is a great idea to give the gift before the wedding. I appreciated the early gifts so much as I was able to immediately write the thank you note. I worried about gifts being separated from cards after the wedding and then accidentally missing a thank you note.

May I add that if some of my wedding guests had been told they needed to "cover the plate", they would have brought some Chinette disposable plates with them? HA! That's a new one to me, too.

I have to admit that I began skimming through the responses part way down. So forgive me if I'm repeating things that have already been said.

But I can't help commenting that, fortunately, my very attractive, very smart daughter who attends one of the other liberal arts schools in Smith's Five College Consortium is not interested in any man shallow enough to be so concerned about looks.

I also agree with Statia and others who've pointed out that it shouldn't be about the cost of the gift. And with those who feel they shouldn't feel obligated to cover the cost of someone else's over-the-top wedding.

This post and the one on the bachelorette party have me somewhat appalled at the fact that some people seem to have no qualms about "spending" other people's money. To expect someone else to give a large gift or to shell out for a fancy bachlorette party, with no thought to their financial situation, is to me, the height of selfishness and inconsideration.

Maybe the preoccupation with gifts, fancy parties, etc., should give us a clue as to why so many marriages fail in this country.

..."my very attractive, very smart daughter who attends one of the other liberal arts schools in Smith's Five College Consortium is not interested in any man shallow enough to be so concerned about looks."
=D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D>

Thank you, seetheworld!

If you're offended by a comment that some universities have more attractive students than others then God help us all if men can't appreciate the attractiveness of women. There may be attractive women at Vassar, Wesleyan, etc. (note I'm not mentioning Smith again), but step onto campus at Clemson, Auburn, LSU, UNC, Floria, etc. (and Arizona State on the west coast) and any red-blooded American male takes notice. That's simply a fact.

"For a guy looking to find attractive women a northeast women's liberal arts college is the last place to look."

My remark was meant only as a comment on the implication that there are NO attractive women at northeast liberal arts colleges. And on priorities. Just as was my remark on the preoccupation with large gifts, fancy parties, etc.

Starsvile and Atlswan - you would both have been shocked to have wandered into the men's room at my wedding reception. According to my Italian DH, the men write the gift checks after dinner in the mens room. The better the dinner, the bigger the check. It seems tacky but in reality its just an old school way of lending a helping hand. These same old timers left checks in the mass cards at my father-in-laws funeral. A discreet way of helping out a widow in case she was left with a lot of bills.

Bennnie, that actually sounds pretty cool. Thanks for sharing that bit of cultural history.

I have a vivid memory of the movie "Goodfellas" where all the wedding guests kept bringing Ray Liotta and Lorraine Bracco envelopes bulging with cash. I was quite disappointed when this didn't happen at mine! ;-)

I should add that the checks in the mass card thing was new to me and totally unnecessary.

Also, gifts are given at showers and cash at the wedding. Why else have a shower? It would be redundant to give a gift at the shower and again at the wedding.

Agreed. I pointed that out above too. The shower/wedding gift distinction is perhaps a NE thing.

And yes, big family tradition here of checks for the widow (or single daughter). Is that only New England too? Perhaps it's just a mix of all the immigrant tradtions.

In my "culture" (Southern) you NEVER give cash as wedding gift.

You give as many shower gifts as showers you are invited to attend. Then you send a wedding gift to the bride before the wedding day. The wedding gifts are often from the registry (including china, crystal, silver patterns). The shower gifts match the "theme" of the shower (lingerie, kitchen, etc.) and are usually not extravagent. The wedding gift is the "big" gift - but again, not cash.

By the way, joint couple showers are becoming more popular but frowned upon by the denizens of society. If it's not a joint shower (garden, home, etc.) then the groom is not supposed to attend.

Interesting point about immigrant tradition, Dreamer2. My ancestors came from Scotland and Ireland via Ellis Island, Virginia, South Carolina and then Georgia.

As a graduate of one of "5 Colleges", ahem, I am happy to be able to say that at age 16, wayyyy back in another era, my picture, entitled, "Birches, Beauty, and Beach" made the cover of the Berkshire Weekly section of the Berkshire Eagle. LOL Truth. :D Of course there's no telling what happened to me between 16 and 18.

I never heard the term "cover the plate" in regard to weddings, but dare I open another can of worms, I have heard it in regard to Bar/Bat Mitzvahs.

Cash wedding gifts were unheard of in my town and I wouldn't/couldn't consider it today. If I care about someone, I care about taking the time to personally select something for them. As someone else said, I still remember who gave us which gifts as I take them out and use them 36 years later...even that squeaky ironing board from my sister-in-law! :D It really is, in my book anyway, "the thought that counts" and we were just tickled to have our friends there to share the moment. I love the idea of a Tiffany vase or bowl--would have loved it then and would love it today...and years down the road, most any bride will as well.

Thank-you notes...handwritten, plain cards, Crane if possible, within two weeks of receipt of gifts, no ifs, ands, or buts. It was drummed into me and I <i>think</i> I've done the same to my kids.

I didn't know that there were places where checks *weren't* given for funerals. I grew up in a small, Catholic community in Southern Illinois. Traditionally, people either sent flowers or filled out &quot;Mass cards&quot; giving money to the parish to have Masses said for the deceased. But, increasingly, people are more apt to either make a charitable donation in the name of the deceased or give a check to the widow/family to be used at their disgression for expenses or for a donation.

I should add that this is generally done for either family or close friends.

I always thought showers were supposed to be small parties, for the girls to get together, and give small gifts for the bride. so, yeah lingerie was okay (although edible panties seems to be pushing the limits. And kitchen stuff was okay, because the kitchen had traditionally been the brides domain.

but that's not true anymore, and the showers have gotten overly elaborate and now seem a way to grab for more gifts. seems a bit insane to me.

When I got married (and this was 15 years ago), we had a shower near my husbands family, which was attended by the many guests who would not be able to come to the wedding. There were some people who came to both, and they did bring gifts to both, which I thought was very nice and overly generous.

I'm from New York originally, live in Massachusetts now, and I think Starsvilles cash numbers are pretty much in line. Maybe a little more or a little less, depending on ones on financial situation. And yes, I think the person who asked about travelling, and then spending less on the gift is perfectly justified. Your presence IS the gift in some senses.

Is it possible the &quot;cover your plate&quot; rule is a New Yorker thing? I certainly had heard of it, but it seems to me mostly from my childhood friends from New York. Perhaps it is more localized, than being a Northeast idea?

I had a feeling I'd be flamed...

I did NOT mean to offend anyone (BTW, ATLSwan, I'm your neighbor and live in Atlanta too) I was just trying to describe the differences I couldn't help but notice when it comes to gift-giving.

After reading all these posts, I'm feeling a bit defensive and don't want people to think I'm that stereotypical Jewish Am. Princess who thinks she's entitled to $$$ gifts because that's not how I think those who know me see me. My husband and I paid for our own wedding. We didn't ask our parents for one thing, not one cent. What I was trying to convey (obviously not very well) was that there is a definate difference in gift giving between the North and South. We had 100 people at our wedding who we feel close to. Whether they were Northerners giving cash or Southerners bearing gifts, we were happy they were there to share our day with us. We did not judge our guests or invite those more likely to give big. If that had been the case, more of my parents friends would've been invited and their work associates too, but that was not the night we wanted! We wanted everyone we loved to be in one room.

A friend of mine gave me one of the best wedding gifts. It was very inexpensive but ever so precious-- it's a recipe book she made by mailing recipe cards to those on our guest list. I've used it a ton and have recipes from great-aunts and grandmothers that I probably never would have gotten otherwise.

Oh, and on the subject of thank you notes. That is another custom I was raised with. My husband and I wrote everyone a personal note and snailmailed them within a couple weeks of getting back from our honeymoon :)

I apologize if I offended anyone. It was definately not my intension.

(LI--Thanks for coming to my defense.)

CAPH, have never heard of cash/checks/money being given at funerals. One sends flowers to the funeral home. The family may request a donation to a charity instead. I find myself doing both, but it's hard for me NOT to send flowers to the funeral home (as hard as it would be for me to give cash for a wedding gift).

china_cat has a good point. Is the &quot;cover your plate&quot; a NY thing? Is the cash as a wedding gift an Italian thing? No offense intended - just based on my limited experience before today and on this thread.

I grew up in a primarily Protestant community and the majority were Southern Baptists. In fact, in the county I lived in for my teenage years there was 1 Catholic family in the county and 1 Jewish family. Are the aforementioned differences based on religious norms as well as cultural? Don't know. Just wondering.

My parents insisted that no alcohol be served at their 50th wedding anniversary because friends would not attend if it were. Maybe that's a contributing factor to the less expensive Southern church weddings. No alchohol. No sit down dinners. Many times just punch, wedding cakes, nuts, cheese straws - and finger / tea sandwiches if you are going all out! :-)

OWJ, I hope you didn't think my comments were about you in any way. I was aiming at people like the co-worker of another poster (sorry I can't remember exactly who it was) who have the nerve to complain, publicly no less, about the gifts they received.

What a wonderful wedding gift! Now that's truly a treasure!

People have been known to &quot;cover the plate&quot; in Massachusetts and NH, so I don't think it's limited to NY. However, if someone is having their reception at the Ritz, or 4S, I do not feel obligated to cover! :) Basically, it's a: Thank you for including me when you could have given all this dough to the B&amp;G for a downpayment on a house! Gifts are a more personal choice for those who know you best.

Also, cash is not strictly Italian. I am of Polish/English descent. I just think most newleyweds prefer it these days. Either things are SO expensive for youngins starting out, or it's the second time around and they have everything. Maybe it's that New England practicality!

I think many NE receptions number 100-200 guests. Aren't southern weddings larger affairs? Or more intimate? Although there are certain wedding gifts I still enjoy 20 years later, I can't imagine getting 100 pieces of china, crystal, silver!

CAPH52-Thanks for the united defense of women's colleges. IMO my daughter is beautiful and brainy so there NYJETS!! :)
Weddings!! This thread is so indicative of the stress associated with what should be so simple and happy but instead can be fraught with stress. As a mom of 2 daughters, one son I pray for elopements. Plus as so well stated previously by many posters the gifts are not integral to survival, hopefully the wedding parties are well educated enough ( maybe at a Seven Sisters school :)) to enjoy the affection behind the gifts and not actually need to live off them.

I'm about to attend a wedding where the b &amp; g have registered for a honeymoon.
That's it, that's all. The invited make online contributions for their trip.

I am uncomfortable with this, as I am from the poppycock school of the 'more traditional registry and thankyou notes
written ASAP period' mindset.
I'd rather the b&amp;g get what they want
then toasters or silver trays by the dozen, yet it still feels strange.

Anyone else have experience with this ?
R5