Dear What have I done,<BR>Thank you for posting because I can relate. My MIL and FIL live on the East Coast and they drive to Chicago and stay indefinitely with us until they're ready to leave. <BR>I have put my foot down and they now know that they have a limited amount of time, when they can stay over and that we have things to do and cannot put it on hold because they want to sightsee with us and spend every minute of our workdays.<BR>They even bombard my parents in Florida and stay with them for 2 weeks in the winter because they're too damn cheap to pay for anything. I just had to vent. Be nice but firm and do spend some quality time with her.

My husband and I have been married for 18 years. We went through this for the first 5 years of our marriage. It caused a great deal of pain for Mom, Son and I,the DIL! Unfortunatly, you won't get any relief until your husband stands up for his family. YOU! <BR><BR>Now, many years later, we actually enjoy each other's company and the feelings of anger and frustration have turned to love and acceptance. I would say above all, do what is best for you and your husband, (especially following the loss of your baby) always treat her with respect and keep a positive outlook. You don't owe her any explanations and over time, she'll stop expecting them! GOOD LUCK!

DUMP HIM IMMEDIATELY. Or, GET A-HOLD ON YOURSELF! No matter how much think you love your husband, it may be positively impossible to get along with his mother. Sounds to me like she is definitely impossible. Or, that he just LETS her be that way. He may have turned out somewhat nice in spite of her. DON'T BE FOOLED. I'm with those who declare that, if he favors her over you, you should seriously consider whether you have a future together. No amount of "sentiment" will ever render getting along with her any easier or pleasant, so long as/if he is intent on pleasing her, if he is. Either he backs you up, or he succumbs to HER every wish, desire, and otherwise unreasonable expectations. Or, worse, leaves YOU to "deal" with it all. That she says "terrible things" about you and "hangs up" on him, would indicate that she will never, ever, accept your marriage, or you. And, that your HUSBAND is not willing to do anything about it. It could not be more obvious to everyone here that she's not having any of it, unless she gets her way, which will never be favorable to, or pleasant for, you. Any self respecting husband who values being MARRIED to you would set his mother straight. Having children will only complicate issues that can never, ever, be solved, perhaps not hardly tolerarable. It would be a terrible shame to realize, after one or more babies, that his mother, and her ridiculous expectations, matter MORE to him than YOU and the children. Or, he's totally unresponsive! Whereupon, the children become the products of a broken home, or you are in the position of withstanding it all to keep the family intact and having to put up with it all. You haven't mentioned your husband's position in all these goings-on. But, I'm a-guessing that you and he are not really "together" with regard to HER, or that he's leaving you to flounder on your own. Which is positively ridiculous when it's HIS MOTHER that's the problem. I'm guessing that you're trying like mad to "put your foot down" but your husband is NOT. Here's hoping that you can effectively encourage your husband, and that he cares enough for you, to IGNORE your MIL until she "comes around" (and, she may never). But, I can absolutely assure you that, if he defers to her, and not you, you should run like the dickens elsewhere. AND, if you're really smart, you'll not be home if she invites herself for Christmas, or just INFORM her that IT'S NOT A GOOD TIME FOR YOU TO VISIT. NYC is one fabulous Christmas destination. Anyplace but Florida (Christmas in SHORTS or a bathing suit?) Regardless, if your husband doesn't put HIS foot down regarding Christmas, you'll know what you need to do. You really don't need to leave home to AVOID Her. All assuming that your husband realizes same. Otherwise, there's no help available for you. There is no question but that you must take your own position. And, either He's with Her or with You, or he's totally useless. There is absolutely NO question but that if your husband would rather please his MOTHER, rather than YOU, you absolutely positively MUST run like MAD and permit them to enjoy each other.

I don't get the impression that the hubby is deferring to the MIL here -- just that he's avoiding an ugly confrontation where he can. He's obviously on board with the hotel and rental car plan, so let's not throw him in the wrong bag here. You can be assertive without forcing a a "her-or-me" choice and that's what I believe the poster is trying to do. And yes, you CAN have a very nice, psychologically healthy and mature spouse who just happens to have a very neurotic mother. ;-)

I hate visiting my MIL, too. Except she lives in the corn country of the Midwest. How exciting is that? Be thankful you can escape to the beach. Naturually everything is YOUR fault. She can't dare believe her little boy ws at fault! Sounds controlling, dear. The quicker she learns you WON"T be controlled, the better. I'm in the same situation. I kept waiting for my husband to speak up (after all, it was his mother) and he never has. We have a rule--I never visit her ALONE (she sets me up). You need to take charge of this situation NOW because she will get worse..trust me. Sometimes love isn't enough , honey. I told my husband if I knew the misery his family would cause me I never would have married him. I don't think he realizes the depth of their evilness and I'm sick of it. My situation didn't get better when the kids came along, by the way.<BR>I"m perplexed why you are visiting at all? Can your husband just go by himself?

My sympathies - at both your pregnancy loss and your situation. Both together must be very difficult.<BR><BR>I have struggled with similar in-law issues for over 20 years - it gets different when you have kids (sometimes better, sometimes worse) - and is unlikely to go away. Leopards do not change their spots - either your mother-in-law or your husband's desire to not confront anything about the situation and leaving it up to you to be the "bad guy".<BR><BR>As a couple we have finally come to terms that work for us. His family is his family, mine is mine. He gets to decide how often he wants to/feels obligated to visit his family, I do the same for mine. If we CHOOSE to join in on the visit to the in-laws, that is our choice. While others will disagree and say you marry a family, not just a man, I say that sometimes, it just does not work out that way. So this week, I will be having dinner with my (admittedly obnoxious) cousin and he will stay home with the kids. When she visits you at your home, make sure you have enough "prior commitments" so that, while still being a good hostess, it is his responsibility to entertain his mother a good part of the time. In our case, since his parents are only 2 1/2 hours driving time away and mine lives in the next town, it is easier. But that leaves it up to him to fight with the kids about going to see the grandparents, not me to be the heavy.<BR><BR>This theory solves a world of problems - it is his responsibility to buy a gift for his mother who hates everything, and mine to listen to my mother's anxieties. I got to travel to Ireland with my mother, without him feeling obligated to join in. He gets to help his parents handle financial paperwork, without my getting overly involved.<BR><BR>As far as this trip, I think you have to just smile and be polite. Sounds like she might have an equal number of complaints if you stayed at her place - food, getting up too late/early, etc. <BR><BR>

My feelings would be so hurt if I thought my sil or dil felt about me the way some of you feel about your mil, with just cause I will add. Never have I meddled in the business of my daughter and hubby or son and wife. Not to say that I like everything going on in their lives, but that is their business not mine and I just keep my mouth shut as far as they are concerned, but..........my husband hears all of my complaints. At present my daughter and sil and children are living with us until their house is finished. His co-workers couldn't believe he was living with his mil, his reply was "I have no complaints". That makes me a happy mil.

Peggy you need to face real life." If you love him, make peace with his mother." That ain't bloody likely! She is a control freak. You can't please a control freak. Your husand needs to speak to her ASAP and if he doenst..well..have a good long unhappy life with this witch involved.

This post truly makes me feel blessed. Both my mother and my mother-in-law pretty much stay out of my husband and my business. We enjoy our visits and usually stay in hotels if the visit is more than two days.<BR><BR>As for advice to whathaveidone, I would say you have done nothing wrong. This whole thing is not your fault and it seems that you have tried very hard to keep everyone happy. It's a control issue and your MIL is just mad because she doesn't have it.<BR><BR>Here's the deal. You have just suffered a great loss and you need time to recoup yourself. If your husband and/or your mother in law can't see that, it's not your problem it's theirs.<BR><BR>Please try to talk to your husband about this and make him deal with his mother in the future. Don't always be the one to try to fix it because obviously MIL is having none of it. Go on your vacation and relax on the beach. Let your husband deal with his mother. When you see your mother in law be nice and smile and just keep telling her that your sorry she feels that way, it was not your intention to hurt her, if she keeps complaining. Just let her know that right now you need to do what's best for you.

Your MIL is obviously controlling and abusive. My brother and SIL hate coming home for visits because my mother is hard to tolerate. They always want to stay in a hotel or at my house (which is OK with me); however, it is a huge insult to my mother and she has a cow over it. She expects her son to spend time with and cater to her and my dad for the short time he's here. She'll never change, so I tell my brother to suck it up and stay there for the short time he's visiting. It just makes things easier. Anyhow, he only sees her twice a year - I have to deal with her control freak attitude all the time. I don't mean that you should cave in on everything. It's driving her crazy that you're going to be in town but not staying with her. I highly suggest you "suck it up" for a few days and stay with her and let your husband cater to her. THEN, drive to another location in Florida for a few days of R&R. Your husband does need to talk to his mother beforehand though about what you're going through and that she needs to lay off. <BR><BR>P.S. I'm sorry for your loss. I've been through it myself. Take care of yourself physically and emotionally.

WhathaveIdone, I really sympathize and hope you can find the strength you'll need to deal with your MIL--and your husband, as well, because he's part of the problem here.<BR><BR>Our situation is different; with us it's my husband's immediate family. It's funny, I get along just great with his cousins, aunts and uncles, etc., and even one of his brothers--but his other brother and his two sisters (and their spouses) drive me right straight up the wall. His father was the worst of all, but (thank God) he died a few years ago.<BR><BR>After putting up with his family's ignorance, selfishness, and rudeness for the first seven years of our marriage, I felt I had no choice but to put my foot down. They were making me actively miserable, and it was obvious my "wonderful" husband was too much of a wimp to ever stand up to them on my behalf. What really "did it," though, was the day he implied to me (privately) that the problem actually was me, that his family meant no harm and I was just "taking everything the wrong way."<BR><BR>From that day on, following an argument with his sister-in-law, I decided to cut the clods out of my life. He sees his family whenever he wishes--that's entirely up to him, obviously. But I stay away from them, and I feel so much better now, I can't even tell you what a difference it has made in my life. This happened about 3-1/2 years ago, and I've never for one second regretted that decision. When you have cancer, you go to the doctor and (s)he cuts it out, right? Same principle here--get rid of them. You're not going to change them, so just leave--and don't go back, unless you decide you're in the mood for some of their abuse, something I've never felt any need for!<BR><BR>I realize this solution wouldn't work for everyone. We have no children, and I'm a more independent person than most. Do I regret putting my husband in this position? Yes, but the fact is that I couldn't count on his support, so he brought this on himself.<BR><BR>It's funny, by the way--it has surprised me how infrequently he chooses to see his family. Maybe he's not all that happy with their behavior, either--or maybe he gets sick of trying to explain why he always shows up alone. I don't know because I don't ask--that's his problem. He gave up his right to my support in this area the day he implied that it was my "fault."<BR><BR>Sorry to go on so, but everyone else has vented so I thought, why not me? I hope you're able to resolve this problem with your MIL--she sounds like a real "pip"! Good luck to you!<BR>

Yet another opinionated opinion! Your husband needs to stand up to his mother! I have alot of respect for you to even agreeing to visit after what you've been through. <BR> My sister in law has the MIL from hell too. On their wedding day her MIL said in front of everybody "Are you sure you want to do this?" My BroIL now stands firmly and tells her "this is now my family and my top priority, you could either be part of my life or not." That brought her out of it pretty quickly. She's bearable now and tries to be a little nicer to my SIL - it's better than before. Urge your husband to do the same. It's a bummer when a family member treats you like a doormat, you should talk to hubby about where his priorities lie - he needs to have a good talk with her.<BR>Warmest wishes!

Beth -- you are SO RIGHT! Everone with a problem MIL needs to read your post and take your excellent advice. There is NO REASON to tolerate obnoxious in-laws who are consistently rude to you. You married into that family but you certainly do not have to put up with their horrible behavior! YOU GO GIRL!

whathaveidone, I am extremely lucky. I have a wonderful MIL. She's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but she's good to me. You have my sympathies.<BR><BR>Unfortunately, I too have had a miscarriage. That first month when my hormones were trying to get back to normal was extremely tough. And I didn't have to deal with a nightmare MIL. Again I tell you to stick to your guns. With all you've been through, you really don't need to deal with anymore than necessary. (My older daughter had her 3rd birthday the week I had my miscarriage. I understand.)<BR><BR>Obviously if your husband hasn't objected to the plans so far, then he's standing by you in this. Right now, it's his job to act as a buffer. If necessary, get your doctor to let him know you REALLY don't need that kind of stress while recuperating. Do make sure he knows how much you appreciate this - but tactfully. Who knows, you may decide this is the optimum way to "visit" her.<BR><BR>My husband and I have been married 14 years. Families live 300 and 700 miles away. We decided early into our marriage that trips to family DO NOT constitute vacations. Good luck.

I can relate to every single post! As far as my husband is concerned, it IS my fault. I just take everything too personally. She doesn't mean any harm, yada yada...Everytime I try to talk to him about this, or everytime she calls, about 4-5 times a week, we end up in a fight. We've been together 8 years, married for 6 and she is the ONLY thing we ever fight about. It is about control. She has only one child and I married him. She was widowed 4 years ago, she's lonely, and the motherlode of martyrdom. He buys it. I don't. He knew something was bothering me last night and pressed me to talk. I said, we've tried that, I had him read some of these posts. I thought the objectivity would break through to him. We haven't spoken since. I know I've put him in the middle for some time now, but I'm not asking him to choose between us, just to have a talk with her and he thinks I have the problem, not her. It's funny, he sees it when she's having one of her tantrums, but he forgets and begins to pity her again. If the airfare and hotel room weren't already paid for; I'd just stay home and let him deal with her. I am cursing myself for ever suggesting we go there, I just thought I'd found a solution to keep her from coming here. I can't win. At least I have a few weeks to come up with some kind of a solution. Thanks again to all who've posted!

Good luck! My parents just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary this Spring. But thankfully, my parents stood together when dealing with his mother. My grandmother was the MIL from Hell! No one can possibly lay a guilt trip on me. I've seen the master at work and rejected it each time. Today, my mother says there were times where she should have just packed us kids up and headed to a hotel with the instructions to my dad to let us know when he was ready to head home.<BR><BR>At some point, you need to ask yourself if she is causing too much friction between you and your husband. Will the situation get any better? Can you deal with it for the rest of your life? And too: Insist upon your own compromises (i.e., the hotel room and rental car). Don't even try to discuss her with him. When she calls, greet her with a cheery "Oh Hello MIL. Hold on, let me get DH for you." Then immediately set the phone down while you go look for him. If you don't have caller ID, get it. If he's not home, let the answering machine get it. If you get stuck on the phone with her for any reason, start talking, then hang up while you're in the middle of a sentence. She won't think you've hung up on yourself. Seriously, don't even deal with her at all. Don't even discuss her with him. Inform him that any plans he makes with her are NOT binding on you unless the two of you discuss it privately first and have time to sleep on it.

Oh, whathaveIdone, I'm so sorry to read your update. If I knew who you were and how I could get to where you are, I'd hug you, just to show my support.<BR><BR>There's an enormous sense of betrayal here, and I know because as I've said, my husband also stands with his family against me. Whoever it was who said that if she'd known how much misery this situation would cause her, she'd never have married him, really hit the nail on the head. If my husband weren't so terrific in so many other ways, I'd have left by now. We've been in counseling for YEARS over this (and other problems it has caused), and after over 10 years of marriage, there are still times when it's really rough. I hang on because I know that, most of the time, we're really good together. But I'd never underestimate the seriousness of this problem; it's not good for either of you.<BR><BR>The problem is, of course, that you can't solve it on your own. If he's unwilling to support you or at least to see that she's manipulative and controlling, and that she's treating you badly and that's not acceptable, all you can do, as I said, is keep away from her. The only actions you can control are your own--you're not going to change your MIL or your husband. He's an adult and has to take care of himself and deal with this any way he can, but that doesn't mean you have to go on enduring an abusive person and situation.<BR><BR>As many others here have said, you've been through quite enough with the loss of your baby--and this would be quite unacceptable enough even if you hadn't suffered such an ordeal.<BR><BR>I wish you every ounce of courage you can muster in this situation. Please let us know how it all turns out!<BR>

Thank you Beth! It does help to know I'm not alone. He is a wonderful man that I've never regretted marrying. That's part of the problem, she's got him so twisted up and guilty for having a life/wife that he just cannot stand up to her and tell her how it is. I'm a pretty strong person and he knows I won't fall apart, but he thinks she will. I understand that to a point, but am wondering just how much I can/will take. I'll keep you posted, pun intended on the outcome, let's just hope you don't hear about this on the news!

have had it for 38 yrs....it will never change!....and she`ll want to control the grandkids too...and what they do..no matter their age..been there...your hubby feels he owes her and he`ll never go against her...that`s why he doesn`t want to hear anything bad...he it came down to a choice between you and her you`d loose....you`ll never chage his mind no matter all these answers...and he`ll just get mad at you because he knows how she is and he`ll never change her..and wants YOU to except it and shut up...there is no answer..either go w/the program or get out!...wait till the kids come..she`ll really drive you crazy..and spend more time at your house!!!.....

I really find the anti-Mother-in-law bias on these posts shocking! I'd love to hear the MIL's side of this.......I'm sure she has one. ALL people have their faults, and I think the root of this poster's problem is that she has 'cancelled' her MIL's visit to their home, and broken the MIL's heart. So the MIL is 'acting out.' I think this daughter-in-law has been quite clever, knew exactly what to do to upset her MIL! I'm sure when she planned this vacation 'near MIL's home', but not staying with her, renting a car...........she knew exactly what the reaction would be. For Pete's sake, we're talking about family here............not some strangers that we don't give a damn about their feelings. This Mother devoted a big part of her life to this woman's husband. I had a MIL, and now I have a DIL..........so you discuss things you don't agree on and work them out, but you don't do blatant things that you KNOW will upset them. If my DIL 'cancelled' a planned trip on me, I'd feel hurt also. Everybody reacts to hurt in different ways...........I can only feel sorry for the husband of this poster. His life must be a misery, pulled between two beloved people like this!