manners
 

hello, <BR>i am going to be visting the united states for the first time and i am not familiar with the manners of your culture. i will be with my husbands family and will be seeing them for the first time. they are very well known family in new england and are very "proper" i would very much like to fit in. please i would like any info. <BR>thank you <BR>amanda

Amanda-Tell us more about where you will be/what you'll be doing while with them....be more specific...

Hmm. Amanda's not familiar with our culture/manners but she doesn't post her e-mail address. Seems like she's pretty familiar with our manners already! <BR> If this is a serious post I agree with Randy, we need more specifics to help you.

Amanda, you've posed a good question. I'd suggest you simply be yourself. In a way it's ironic you, a stranger to our shores, should ask for our advice. So many who post here seem to be outside their own culture as well. Perhaps you will be kind enough to post what you found worked well for you. It may help one or two here. In advance, thank you.

why not ask your husband? ;-) people, this has t-r-o-l-l written all over it!

Any major bookstore has a section with a variety of books on etiquette and manners. You can even mind them on amazon.com.

well thank you to the ones who have given my queston interest. to "ohbrother" i did have many questions for my husband but he is a very busy man with his work. i will be staying in my inlaws' home in upper east side manhattan for awhile and then we are planning to go to their house in new hampshire. we might vist my brother inlaw's beach house on Martha's Vineyard aswell. as for what we will be doing, there will be many dinner parties i am told and then just socalizing and going out for dinner with relatives and friends. thank you <BR>( i apoligize for the spelling and wording, i am usually do not use the language.) <BR>thanks <BR>amanda

Uh, Amanda.... just sit there and look pretty.

Amanda, <BR>It would probably help to know where you are from and the basics of high society affairs there.

Amanda, "L" has the best of advice -- just be yourself. If your manners differ from ours, the in'laws will think it charming. If you spend too much time "trying to be correct" it will inhibit you. Hey, their son fell in love with you, and so will they. Welcome to USA. Enjoy. Marie

Hello Amanda, <BR> <BR>Given the fact that your mother & father-in-law live on the Upper East Side of Mahattan and have a second home and your brother-in-law has a beach house I'm assuming your husband's family has some money and I presume by your concerns about etiquette, are considered "upper class". If you really want to feel most comfortable I'd recommend a book like Emily Post's Etiquette (16th Ed) by Peggy Post. It's pretty formal but you can't go wrong and it will tell you everything from how to handle introductions to what fork to use, how to write thank you notes, etc. <BR> <BR>But, be yourself! I'm sure your relatives will find you quite charming. Have a good time. <BR>

hello again <BR> <BR>james, <BR> i am from the island Zanzibar ( off the east coast of africa) my family owns a plantation there. i met husband on a cruise ship in the south pacific. i am educated, i have a doctorate in political science. and to the others who said just sit there and look pretty, i am afriad that is what will be expected of me scince i have been doing that the past 23 years! i hope to get the courage to speak up even though i want to fit in. <BR>thank you all <BR>amanda

1. Eat what you are offered. <BR> <BR>2. Smile, smile, smile. <BR> <BR>3. Look interested in what others say, and mumble "uh-huh" every 10-15 seconds. Mix it up a little by substituting a vigorous nod from time to time. <BR> <BR>4. Let your husband do the talking. <BR> <BR>It sounds flip, I know, but it'll work fine.

Amanda, <BR> <BR>First, I would say buy a good book, written/published in North America, that deals with etiquette. <BR> <BR>Second, since your area of expertise is political science, bone-up on USA affairs and be prepared to offer your unique views. <BR> <BR>Third, be prepared to converse on several light topics. Weather, gardening, sports, movies, TV, trends, food, cars, fashion are but a few examples. <BR> <BR>Fourth, be genuine. Don't feel afraid to draw others out of their shell. And have fun at all cost. <BR> <BR>That's my advice. I feel you will do just fine. <BR> <BR>

<BR> <BR>amanda, <BR> <BR>seems as if you'll be doing quite a bit of dining. a little trick i always use when faced with a strange food i don't know quite how to eat or utensil or bowl that i'm not sure how to use, i just wait and watch my host or hostess and follow their lead. (unfortunately, this doesn't always help in some countries where etiquette dictates that the guest starts first! :) ) <BR> <BR>i would agree with the above poster that with respect to conversations, just be interested in what people are saying, acknowledge that you are listening with a nod or smile, and ask questions whenever possible. i would also say that most people are interested in different places, and you come from a great one. maybe as a discussion topic if asked, you could talk a little bit about your home, it might make you feel more comfortable than talking about something you're not quite sure of, and i'm sure many would find it fascinating. <BR> <BR>get a book. i don't know how much time you have, but if you can't digest emily post in time, you can always purchase one of those "idiot's guide's to ____" books that are so widely sold in the u.s. (in this case it would be "idiot's guide to etiquette" or "manners" or something similar) these books offer shorter reading and can summarize the essentials for you if you're in a time crunch. <BR> <BR>perhaps ask your husband to be extra conscious of initital issues of protocol you might stumble over, and have him help steer you along during difficult spots. <BR> <BR>i know how you feel, entering a new community and culture - it's difficult to feel comfortable, especially when you want to make a good impression. but, i'm sure you'll do great! just be yourself! good luck and have a great time!

Amanda, <BR> <BR>Tell us more about Zanzibar. It sounds fascinating. And if you don't mind me asking, what cruise liner were you on in the South Pacific? What a romantic story. I think you are the most interesting fodorite to drop in to our little cyber community since the esteemed Armstrong Wong. I so enjoyed his unique perspective. I do wish he had reported back about his trip to the East Coast. We tried very hard to give him helpful travel advice. <BR> <BR>You'll have a wonderful trip :) <BR> <BR>Aloha, <BR>k

to ohbrother: forgive my ignorance but what does t-r-o-l-l mean?

I agree with Kalena, you sound like a very interesting person. You should have no trouble conversing with your husband's family and their friends given your background. <BR> <BR>If you can tell us a little more, I'm sure you'll be provided with much the help you need. Where did you get your degrees? (That's always a good conversation piece.) Where is your family's plantation? Where does your husband travel on business and do you accompany him? Where do you currently live? It would also be very helpful if you could share some information about the culture in Zanzibar. <BR> <BR>Looking forward to hearing more about you!

I stumbled on the secret when I first met my husband's family, who were of a different race, culture, language and religion. I showed that I was genuinely fond of my new nieces and nephews and spent a lot of time talking to them and playing with them. This turned out to be the key to opening their parents' and grandparents' hearts. By the end of the visit, all my in-laws thought that I was great! (Those little kids are now in college and we still love each other dearly.)

hello again. <BR> <BR>i have ordered a couple boooks on line from a store Barnes and nobels i hope they will help. thank you for all you help and the lovely complements. to answer some of the questions that have been asked: <BR>from ages 6 to 17 i went to a boarding school in France for the school year. <BR> <BR>i graduated from Oxford Universtiy in England so i am some what familiar with english customs but i know they will differ from yours. <BR> <BR>our cotton and coffee plantaion is not far form Stone Town, which had an aful name but is ver beautiful <BR> <BR> since most of the Zanzibaris are muslim, though my family is catholic, dress for women is very conservative. there are many tourisits that like to scuba dive by our breath taking beaches and hunt or see the game, so when we are at our beach house things are more relaxed. <BR> <BR>i hope this helps <BR>thanks, <BR>amanda <BR> <BR> <BR>