Thank you so much everyone! Your input has been very helpful. I agree there is a chance he might know nothing about us. No surprise visit. I can see that would be bad.
Bill - I appreciate how candid you are.
I will think about it all very carefully. I will also seek other family members input as they could be involved at some point. I can see from other posters that we might actually cause the nephew some emotional strain with all this and that would also be bad. I value that input and I am very glad I asked because you are bringing up some points I had not considered.
Thank you everyone,
Annika

I suggest you contact the mother with your intent to find out just how much upheaval this contact might cause. If she feels it would be great or he does not know about his biological father(hard to imagine). You can also give her contact information for you should the nephew ever ask about his father. He might be struck by a wave of curiosity someday either for medical reasons or because he is a father himself.

My father and his sister(and her family) grew to be quite estranged over the years. We never really knew those cousins. My father had been dead for years and my aunt had died a year before. One of the cousins was getting married and I sent her a picture of our grandmother as a young woman for her wedding present.(who her mother resembled tremendously). We've not had any cntact since but in the immediate wake of it all, she was thrilled and sent me a lovely note.

The mother has already made her choices, and as a adult. No contact is an answer and a choice.

Regardless, if the nephew knows of his actual birth DNA or not- the ball is still in his court now.

In my state he has the right to know, and when/if the mother is contacted first and/or "only" with no corresponding letter or note to him- oftentimes the note etc. will not be passed on or acknowledged.

I'm with iamq and Judy24

"After all we are talking about family".

Well, apparently the "family" didn't feel any need to be a part of this young man's life for the past 26yrs. I hope the mother did remarry because she certainly didn't get any help from the "family" to bring up their grandson/nephew. You make no reference at all to any attempt by the "family" to maintain contact, so let's not assume the mother chose this path.

Is it your husband the uncle, or you, who thinks it's a good idea to get in touch? How does your husband plan to explain his family's complete lack of interest since the father-your husband's brother?-died?

Absolutely write first, but be aware that their response will almost certainly include feelings of resentment at the way your family has treated them for 26yrs.

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rb, you just hate this type of thread, don't you?

I'm laughing fondly.

Love your response! :-)

It does potentially involve travel..to Hawaii!

Barbara - all good points! Thank you.
I am probably the one who initiated it although he does like the idea of reconnecting. The reason I initiated it is because we are going there. So we could "break the ice" and I would be willing to help him do that if that was something he wanted to do. I understand there could be resentment. Thanks for pointing that out. I see things more clearly now.
Thank you everyone,
Annika

rb_travelerxATyahoo
Sorry for turning this into an advice column. I will sign off now.