Lost but not forgotten loved one advice
 

My DH has a nephew that he has not seen since 1977. The nephew's father passed away at the early age of 21. The mother was from Hawaii (Oahu). 2 days after his father's funeral the mother took the nephew back to Hawaii and he hasn't been heard from since. He was 2 years old then. That would make him 28 now.
Now I believe I have located an address for this nephew on Oahu. DH and I will be there in November 05'. Any advice on reconnecting with this lost but not forgotten loved one? The mother of the nephew did not have a very good relationship with DH family when she left so there is a good possibility the nephew does not want to be found if you know what I mean. However this life is too short and by gones should be by gones. After all we are talking about family. I have some ideas but was wondering if any of you have had similar experiences. I know it's not really travel related but I thought you nice people could help.
Thanks,
Annika

Be prepared for a big disappointment if you do this. While you may feel that "family is family." he may feel that "strangers are strangers." There is that off chance that he will be glad to meet you, it is more than likely that he will wonder why on earth are you doing this. And there is also the chance that he is really not someone that you want to admit knowing.

Just don't expect to be welcomed with open arms and you won't be disappointed. Have you thought about sending him a note to that address merely stating that you are going to be there and would like to meet him? Then, if he does not care to meet with you, he need not.

Yes all of that has occured to me. Yet something says it is worth a try anyway. The worst that could happen (i hope) is he slams the door in our face. A note may work although it may not be received as his address appears to be the same as the mother. (I found her first).

I think it is definitely worth giving it a shot. It doesn't sound like you have any unrealistic expectations and since the nephew is 28 and not a child, he might really like to meet some of his father's family. I'm assuming you have been unable to locate a phone number? Maybe send a letter addressed to both the mother and son and tell them you'd like to take them to lunch and get reaquainted? I'm not sure how rough the relationship was between the mom and dh's family, but if you feel his family treated her badly you/dh could apologize in the letter to help make amends. Good luck!!

If the nephew is 28, and still living with his mom, hopefully she will not be checking his mail..
I think that sending a note is a very good idea.
I know I would not want some long lost relative showing up unannounced at the door..especially if they have gone this long without any contact.
Good luck~

Yes this is all good advice and it reassures all my thoughts. I do like the note idea. I thought about enclosing some photos that might be of interest to him. Photos of his father, aunts and DH (uncle). What do you think? Too much too soon?
Thanks,
Annika

I agree with Scarlett and yes, I think the photos are too much too soon. See what the reaction from the note is first then proceed cautiously. Good luck to you! :-)

I really think you should consider going through the mother first and try to make amends. If the nephew's biological father died when he was two, you don't know what the situation has been since then. I can understand the excitement of meeting the nephew, but it might go more smoothly if you at least attempt to repair your family's relationship with the mother before you go around her to try to build a relationship with the son.

Snowrooster- That is a very good point that I had not thought of. There would obviously be some loyalty issues depending on what he's been told about the extended family. There is a possibility he is totally unaware of us. Small but possible still. I like the invitation to lunch for both of them. From what I've been told there was not one tragic thing that caused the poor relationship. It was more a strained relationship due to different values from person to person. From my point of view the tragedy was the loss of the father / husband / brother / son. Any relationship can go wrong when we are grieving. Time has a way of healing us and making us appreciate the living as well as the dead.
Thanks,
Annika

Before you send that invitation to lunch, try to find out what kind of area they live in. You would not want to meet them at a place where they might feel awkward or out of place. I think a letter to both of them or just to the mother is a good idea. You don't want her to feel that the family is leaving her out.

Annikany,

I think it is a fine idea to reach out to your nephew and I feel it's more likely that he'd welcome the visit rather than not.

Whatever may have soured your ex-sister-in-law's relationship with the family may be long-forgotten and forgiven (if necessary).

Why not offer to take mom and son out together? No strings just a nice lunch. During the lunch you'll know whether it is a one time event or possibly the open door to a true reunion.

Good luck.

mm

I hate to be the wet blanket on this conversation, but I would think this through very carefully. What are your motives? Why do you want to do this? I would also think through the unintended consequences that might arise as a result. Some people might consider this meddling in other people's lives. If you do send a note I would not mention anything about visiting in November until some amount of positive contact has been established.
-Bill

Since you asked for opinions, I'll weigh in with my 3 cents (inflation).

You've already received some excellent advice. My opinion lies somewhere between most of the postings, and iamq's.

By the way, is there any reason your husband waited so long to try to make contact?

It's lovely that you want to do this, but you're only one side of the equation. In other words, it's not just about what would make you feel better, but how the former sister-in-law and nephew might feel. Showing up on someone's doorstep is pretty drastic. In the first place, you have the logistical problem that they might not be home when you show up and you can find yourself wasting a lot of your vacation time. But more importantly, it would be totally unfair to your relatives. They have the right not to be blindsided by your presence just because you've decided it's a good thing for you to do.

That's why I think writing a note beforehand is an excellent idea. (I'm also assuming you can't find a phone number, which would be even better.) That would at least level the playing field. After all, now that your husband has made the decision to visit his nephew it's only fair that your nephew be allowed the same courtesy of deciding if he wants to see his uncle.

My only caution would be if the nephew didn't know about his father dying when he was 2...what if the mother remarried when he was still very young and her 2nd husband was the man he thought was his father?? This nephew would've been too young to have any memories on his biological father.

It could rock his world but then again if he knew, it could be a wonderful thing.

My first thought was that he might not even know he has another family. He was quite young when his father passed and may not remember it. Mom may have married someone quickly afterward and that man could be the only father this young man knows. It may sound like a bit of a stretch, but you never know.

I think a note the the mother first would be your be your best bet. Good luck!

I meant to say that if the mother married shortly after the boy's father died, your nephew may think this is his biological father and have no idea about his real dad. (Just to clarify).

Bill has a good point. Suppose you go and find out he didn't turn out well...(I have relatives that don't mind skating close to the law. I wouldn't want to meet them for lunch or any other time.) What would you do if he tries to "borrow" money, or turns up drunk? Contact him (or both of them) before you go. If he answers your note, then follow it up with a phone call. A conversation will tell you a lot. Then, if all sounds well, tell him about your trip.

As you can probablly tell, I have reservations about the whole meeting idea.

Do it. Note/letter first, and then a phone call to the nephew. Do not show up at the doorstep. Put the ball in his court and see if he would like to meet at a place of his chosing close to his location. Don't go to his home.

Because of real life experience in my work, I would suggest NOT going through the mother or investing time in dialog with her at all. He is 28. She has chosen already and does not need to answer you or introspect anything.

Just "showing up" happened in my son-in-law's family. His oldest brother (40's- twice divorced, childless and financially successful)had an totally unknown son show up at a family reunion at his mother's house in Chicago- after a brief note to his "Dad" a few years before the event.

The child was from a teen-age relationship, the biological dad had no idea he had fathered him, and the boy/man was now late 20's and was seeking contact. He had been adopted by a very wealthy North Surburban Chicago family and was seeking biological and emotional roots/ties. He got an instant grandmother and 10 new Aunts/Uncles and about 9 first cousins all at once. His resemblance was astounding.

He and his biological Dad visit each year and do fly fishing together. The Dad visits him from Texas. It sometimes has a very happy ending. Do not expect such a outcome, but do try to say hello and let him know you are there and have concern/interest in him.

If you do meet, focus conversation upon him and do not initiate any questions or censure concering his mother. Let him talk to you. He may not want to meet, but may want to talk to you on the phone.

Contact the mother first even if relationship was poor and seek her help and input

OneWanderingJew has a very good point. He may not know of his biological father at all. He may very well think that an adoptive father is his father. Don't rock his world that way.

Go through the mother.

Prepare yourself that noone wants to reconnect to the past.

And no matter what happens with this potential reconnection, enjoy your vacation.

Thank you so much everyone! Your input has been very helpful. I agree there is a chance he might know nothing about us. No surprise visit. I can see that would be bad.
Bill - I appreciate how candid you are.
I will think about it all very carefully. I will also seek other family members input as they could be involved at some point. I can see from other posters that we might actually cause the nephew some emotional strain with all this and that would also be bad. I value that input and I am very glad I asked because you are bringing up some points I had not considered.
Thank you everyone,
Annika

I suggest you contact the mother with your intent to find out just how much upheaval this contact might cause. If she feels it would be great or he does not know about his biological father(hard to imagine). You can also give her contact information for you should the nephew ever ask about his father. He might be struck by a wave of curiosity someday either for medical reasons or because he is a father himself.

My father and his sister(and her family) grew to be quite estranged over the years. We never really knew those cousins. My father had been dead for years and my aunt had died a year before. One of the cousins was getting married and I sent her a picture of our grandmother as a young woman for her wedding present.(who her mother resembled tremendously). We've not had any cntact since but in the immediate wake of it all, she was thrilled and sent me a lovely note.

The mother has already made her choices, and as a adult. No contact is an answer and a choice.

Regardless, if the nephew knows of his actual birth DNA or not- the ball is still in his court now.

In my state he has the right to know, and when/if the mother is contacted first and/or "only" with no corresponding letter or note to him- oftentimes the note etc. will not be passed on or acknowledged.

I'm with iamq and Judy24

"After all we are talking about family".

Well, apparently the "family" didn't feel any need to be a part of this young man's life for the past 26yrs. I hope the mother did remarry because she certainly didn't get any help from the "family" to bring up their grandson/nephew. You make no reference at all to any attempt by the "family" to maintain contact, so let's not assume the mother chose this path.

Is it your husband the uncle, or you, who thinks it's a good idea to get in touch? How does your husband plan to explain his family's complete lack of interest since the father-your husband's brother?-died?

Absolutely write first, but be aware that their response will almost certainly include feelings of resentment at the way your family has treated them for 26yrs.

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rb, you just hate this type of thread, don't you?

I'm laughing fondly.

Love your response! :-)

It does potentially involve travel..to Hawaii!

Barbara - all good points! Thank you.
I am probably the one who initiated it although he does like the idea of reconnecting. The reason I initiated it is because we are going there. So we could "break the ice" and I would be willing to help him do that if that was something he wanted to do. I understand there could be resentment. Thanks for pointing that out. I see things more clearly now.
Thank you everyone,
Annika

rb_travelerxATyahoo
Sorry for turning this into an advice column. I will sign off now.