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talk to groucho's heirs. their the ones that hold the copyright

A cartoon attached to the computer at the driver's license bureau in my hometown (this a.m.). "We're sorry, Mrs. Jones, but your picture came out beautiful. We'll have to take it again." GK

Excuuuuse me: Sorry Groucho <heirs>! (Shoulda figured Groucho wouldn't be so possessive of his own words!) If anyone wants to read the list, you can do so here: http://maggiem2.home.mindspring.com/humora.htm Be warned, the first time I opened this website, about twelve separate ad windows also opened up. The second time, none did... P.S. To Rachel, the original poster: Have you seen the ad on TV for those belly-bustin' jeans by Levi's? It's a bunch of tight shots of winking (yes winking) belly-buttons, with a hokey song playing in the background. Now that really cracked me up -- though it was a joke -- but NOT!

My friend e-mailed me about this site: www.dumb.com Alot of stupid humor. But funny. My favorite was "How to drive like a moron" Maybe I have a twisted sense of humor but I thought is was great.

I heard on TV that Britney Spears got stranded in Australia and was unable to fly back to USA as out-of-the-country flights were not allowed. I send an e-mail to my Australian pen-pel as a respond to his question if he can help with anything. I've asked him to keep her as long as they can stand her!! You know what he said? What had we, Aussies, ever done to you, Yankees??

Speaking of which, one of the morning shows today featured a clip of some new Britney number intended, said the host, "to lift up the spirits of American kids" in these dark days. Kids?? Needless to say Bob Dole's dog would be barking up a storm.

The posting that the terrorists might have learned some intelligence data from this website. They might have, but I kinda freakin' doubt it!

This made me smile the other day... My son is almost 12 and is at the stage where he knows all and no one can tell him anything. My husband, who is a great husband and father, can also be very stubborn. As you would expect, these two males butt heads quite often. My daughter remarked that they have butthead personalities. As soon as she said it, she realized it didn't come out quite like she meant it, but it made us all laugh.

I work for a large corporation so we get alot of funny e-mails circulated. This was one of my favorites. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports,she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. Alan, age 10 No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. Kirsten, age 10 WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. Camille, age 10 No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. Freddie, age 9 HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. Derrick, age 8 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids. Lori, age 8 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8 On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go on a second date. Martin, age 10 WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. Craig, age 9 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. Pam, age 7 The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. Howard, age 8 IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. Theodore, age 8 It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. Anita, age 9 HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? Kelvin, age 8 And the #1 Favorite is........ HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. Ricky, age 10

Go over to the Europe board and read the post with the title of "Shaving Cream not allowed on flights?" It's a hoot!

My animals always make me smile. And animal-related jokes and stories - here's a bit of cat Haiku from a longer version that appeared in a recent Best Friends Mgazine (a wonderful rescue organization in Utah) - no author listed: - The rule for today - Touch my tail, I shred your hand - New rule tomorrow. - In deep sleep hear sound. - Cat vomit hairball somewhere - Will find in morning.

HERE IS ANOTHER FAVORITE COURT TRANSCRIPTS Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. **************************************** Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. *************************************** Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget.** Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? ************************************ Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. **************************************** Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. *************************************** Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? **************************************** Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? **************************************** Q:* Mrs. Jamison, were you present when your picture was taken? **************************************** Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? **************************************** Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? **************************************** Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? **************************************** Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this individual a male, or a female? **************************************** Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. **************************************** Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All of them, all my autopsies are usually performed on dead people. **************************************** Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. **************************************** Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A:* No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. **************************************** Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample. **************************************** Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, never the less? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. ***************************************

My eight year old son told me this one yesterday. Q. "What's the difference between a New York Yankees frank and a Fenway frank?" A. "You can still get the New York Yankees frank in October" (It helps to be a Yankees fan).

The man walks into a bar with his octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus and "He can play any musical instrument in the world." Everyone in the bar laughs at the man and generally reckon he's an idiot. At that the guy announces that he will wager $50 to anyone that the octopus can play any instrument that they care to provide. Immediately a challenger walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus who picks it up and starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. In amazement the guitar man pays up his $50. Another man walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. This guy also pays up his $50. At this point a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with the instrument for a minute and then sits down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?" The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off!"

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks. The rocks were about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was and then laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things like your family, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your wife or husband dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." In the back of the class a student stood up and walked to the front of the class. He took the jar which the other students and professor agreed was full and proceeded to pour in a can of beer. Of course, the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. The moral of this story is - NO MATTER HOW FULL YOUR LIFE IS, THERE IS ALWAYS ROOM FOR BEER!!!

I was driving home to Indiana from DC on Friday and saw an "El Paso" 18 wheeler. In the dust on the back someone had written - "El Paso" and an arrow around pointing to the left side of the truck and "El Cruncho" and an arrow pointing to the right side of the truck. Was a great laugh on a long drive.

License plate in front on me (my husband says it is old news) "Wrangler butts--make me nuts". I really needed a laugh that day.

I wanted to find soemthing to put this back up again, it started to become the highlight of my afternoon.......ver said I know. Its been a long week (its mon) Here goes...... A person needs only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape. Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying "Thank you" though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent. Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on-stage singing, some are in the audience as critics, some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas. When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste. Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter. Good sex should involve laughter. Because it's, you know, funny. If you tell a lie, don't believe it deceives only the other person. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right". Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm. If he says that you are too good for him -- believe it. I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day? Never pass up an opportunity to pee. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance! Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just proves that the other person was right about you. Be really nice to your friends because you never know when you are going to need them to empty your bed pan and hold your hand. Work is good but it's not important. Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man. You are the only person who can truly make you happy. And finally ..... Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.