Grieving Widow wants escape from Christmas
 

My mother lost her husband on New Year's Day. The last meal he ate was when she cooked for him on Christmas Eve. He slowly slipped away after that, and died st 12:03 AM New Years Day.
What a horrible time of year to go,
My mother can not think about Christmas, she's so sad and can't imagine being home - he died in the dining room where his bed was set up - he died peacefully but he was not ready to go. He kept thinking he was going to pull out of it.
They were married 62 years and were very much in love.
He was her world.
Now she's all alone except for my father's cat who is 21 years old and is dying,
She's going to get hit hard when the cat goes.
My question is, she is so dreading the week between Christmas and New Years, the time when my father ate his last meal then slipped quietly into a deep sleep and died on New Year's Day.
She tended to him constantly, never left his side.
She doesn't want to be anywhere where it's Christmas she said and she can't stand the thought of being home alone during that time.
Too sad.
She said all she can think of is to check into a hotel, but she said it'd still be Christmas - everywhere you go is Christmas. Every hotel would be Christmas-y.
She's doing really well except she is dreading that week.
She doesn't want to go to anyone's houses either - Christmas,
Where can she go that's not Christmas in the us?

I posted a response to your same question in the lounge. But the more I think about the more I realize your posting is very self-centered. Maybe the title should read, "When can I sent my mother so she will not bother me over the holidays?" You paint such a loving, caring picture of your parents. Did not any of that rub off on you? This is the time for the family to gather around, support her, show her a period of celebration for a life well lived, and a bright future with grandchildren and family. Give her purpose to live. You have that obligation, do it!!!

Charleston might be good. It's Christmas, sure, but the sun is warm and strong.

But the more I think about the more I realize your posting is very self-centered. Maybe the title should read, "When can I sent my mother so she will not bother me over the holidays?" You paint such a loving, caring picture of your parents. Did not any of that rub off on you?>>

that's rather harsh, fmpden. tea drinker says that "She doesn't want to go to anyone's houses either " which I took to mean that she has refused invitations to visit family, including the OP, who has, after all , also lost her father and has a mother who is suffering from the deepest grief.

it would be lovely if her mother felt like joining in with the family, but it may be beyond her this year.

Pull the shades, cover the mirrors, have chinese food delivered and watch Fiddler on the Roof and Yentl? Send her to a soup kitchen? Get her to go into grief counseling? She clearly doesn't want to grieve with her family and seems to be spreading a lot of guilt. Good luck

It seems to me that you mother is very depressed and one of the things that depression does is to make everything seem impossible. People that are depressed often turn down multiple viable options since they just can't see any way forward.

I agree that being with her family will be much better for her than any other option. Of course she will be sad - but at least she won't be alone, lonely, sad and have nothing to do. I would insist and make arrangements for her to be with family members, with perhaps a slightly quieter Christmas - but with extra attention from family , esp young people if possible, to help her realize that she is NOT alone and has all of this support - with perhaps happy memories with your father to help her get through this.

To let her trek alone to some random hotel and be totally alone would IMHO be very cruel.

Tel Aviv?

2 options:

Have the family spend the holidays at her place (she didn't rule that out).

Find a little cabin or cottage on the beach (in a warm state) with a kitchen, have her stock up on enough food for a week. Hunker down and don't leave.

If she is determined to avoid Christmas and everything that goes with it, she will have to shut herself away from the world. Otherwise there is seriously no way to avoid the random "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays" greeting from strangers, the songs on the radio, the various TV shows, store displays, and on and on.

I would think if someone found a little place on the beach - that atmosphere is sufficiently non-Christmasy to suffice, and if her situation is communicated to the owner or staff then they could avoid her (or avoid any mention of Christmas).

Short of that situation, she will have to face the fact that it's Christmas and all the associated memories, both good and bad. She's going to be reminded of it anyway simply because of the dates, but perhaps by being totally isolated she will realize that she would rather be sad and around people than sad and alone.

She can't be alone, she can't be with you, she can't be anywhere there's Christmas but it has to be in the US.

I don't mean to be harsh, but there is no solution. And does she really want to leave the dying cat, alone in the house or in a kennel??

I would suggest having her and the cat come to you, with the understanding that she can do as she pleases--join other people, be alone, whatever; or you go to her, with the same understanding.

Grief must be lived through. Sadly, there is nowhere to go where it isn't felt.

If she air-travels at Christmas time she'll get it out of her system and never want to do it again.

P.S. Ask her what she thinks her late husband would want her to do over the holidays if he could tell her.

Good points, clark! I also wonder if an elderly grieving widow *should* be traveling alone at Christmas--is that really a good idea??

I have a cousin who lost a beloved sibling way too early. Three months later, at Christmastime, the immediate family announced that no one would be alone and then they planned a trip to a small Rocky Mountain lodge to be quiet and remember together. I would advise some counseling (having lost my father while in my 30's) and some good old TLC. Please don't let your mom grieve alone. Even if you are in the next room, she will take some comfort that she has not been abandoned. I'll never forget my dad, my cousin won't forget her brother and your Mom will never forget her beloved. It may get easier, though, by working through it.

She can go to Hawaii. Get some sun and R&R. Relax on her own without any pressures from anyone.

Hawaii always seemed like a place to escape Christmas to me, too.

I think the tricky thing about this situation is figuring out if she sincerely wants to take a trip and be alone over the holidays with no traditional celebration. If that is sincerely her wish and heartfelt feelings about it, I think her wishes should be honored.

Flip side, if she's just saying this because she thinks her children don't want her around, or she doesn't want to "be a burden" or whatever. Then that's different.

She could go on a cruise - there would be lots of Christmas festivities but she could partake or not. And do just the things/shore excursions that appealed and ignore the rest.

But as harsh at it sounds I do sort of agree w/ fmoden. Can't she be included w/ other family plans where she can join in or not?

This woman is 80+. I doubt she's up for a big trip by herself.

Well, I just read the thread in the Lounge, which I realize is a closed forum, so maybe this is inappropriate to write here, but that thread contains a lot of additional information: the poor woman is well over 80, she has "a bad knee" (as who doesn't at that age?) and is described as "exhausted all the time", and also "a homebody".

Does that sound like someone who is going to up and go to Hawaii, or anywhere, really, all by herself?

Sorry, but this is a bad idea. When she says she wants to hole up in a hotel alone over the holidays, that's her grief and depression talking. IMO it would be cruel to leave her isolated at the toughest time of the year. Seeking to send her somewhere is lunacy.

Maybe, maybe not, but...

On December 25 in Japan, someone asked me "Isn't tomorrow Christmas?"

As a non-Christian with no tradition for the day other than perhaps 'Chinese food and the movie theater', that felt very liberating, to be out of the overwhelming oppressiveness of someone else's meaningless (to me) holiday. Never duplicated that feeling even in Israel.

Kyoto for Christmas, Mom?

We only know what her daughter has written on her threads. It is 100% her interpretation of the situation. We really don't know how the mother feels, or what her true wishes are.

IF she wants to take a trip by herself, and not be with one of her five kids (who btw have not even invited her to spend the holidays with them!!!)... so be it.

I sort of had a similar reaction as fmpden--where is the family in this. She wants to be "alone" but not "home alone".
Invite her to the family gathering and CELEBRATE the man who was her husband the father.
She is obviously depressed, especially if she is already spreading this word.
Need to see her doctor, with at least one very tuned in family member accompanying, and get her some relief.
I hope it works out.
She obviously isn't able to take at trip by herself.

Gee Samba, sounds like the holiday really DOES bother you.

<so maybe this is inappropriate to write here>

Ya think?

>>She wants to be "alone" but not "home alone".<<

Well, the OP never said the mother wants to be alone. She stated she doesn't want to be home alone, and doesn't want to travel to anyone's house.

Either the family goes to visit (thereby eliminating the home alone factor) or the mother goes somewhere on a vacation. It's fairly simple. She's a grown woman who can do what she wants, I don't think anyone should be diagnosing depression or anything else. Especially since OP states that she is doing well, other than not wanting to be at home alone over Christmas and really not wanting to deal with the holiday at all (apparently). I think that's a normal reaction considering her husband died that week last year.

Sorry, but Christmas is alive and well in Hawaii since the missionaries came to save the heathens and steal the land.

If she keeps saying she doesn't want to be home alone is sounds like she is waiting for someone(s) to volunteer to come stay with her to help her get through it.

Can the family not gather around for her in her hour of need?

After my sister and mother passed away, my neices and I have felt similar. We either have a low key Christmas or some years volunteer at a homeless shelter helping provide meals. People getting a free meal are so thankful, you can't help but smile and be grateful for what you have. Hopefully in time it will be easier for your mother.

On the Lounge thread the OP also mentions she has plans to go away for Christmas with her own kids. It would seem she doesn't want to invite Mom. This is a sad situation. 5 kids, and no one with whom Mom can spend her first Christmas as a widow.

Everyone copes with grief in their own fashion. It is impossible for strangers to offer sensible advice without knowing OP's mother. We are reading about it through the prism of the OP and we know nothing of her and her relationship with her mother.

It sounds like the mother needs some professional guidance as not to let the grieving become worse than it is. Holiday depression is very common among the general population, let alone someone in her condition.

<On the Lounge thread the OP also mentions...>

What happens in the Lounge stays in the Lounge. Sheez.

As a professional, I'd say more than professional guidance she needs warmth and inclusion from her family.

Maybe one of the grandkids could take her on a trip?

Thank you for all of your varied responses to this thread. My mother is really not "depressed" in a clinical sense, she's just sad, and she is coping with living alone now that my father has passed away (just last year...it will be one year come New Year's Day. The cat is extremely old and we are amazed that she's still living. My mother is awesome. Taking care of and watching out for the cat. I think she doesn't realize how hard it will be when Kitty-Kitty dies. It's her only constant, in her home at least.
My mother and I are very close. I talk to her a few times a week. We email back and forth all the time. And I go over as often as I can to see her or just visit. Bring her food if I've cooked something good. Or just to see what's going on. I can't be there constantly, and she doesn't need anyone to, nor want it.
She's coping we'll. Her grief is normal. We used to have such wonderful family parties when my Dad was here, and this will be the first Christmas season without his presence.
She is just not looking forward to that sad week at all and feels it will be a terrible week. Re-living what happened (the last meal he ate was one she cooked for him on Christmas eve... then he slipped into a deep sleep, she nursed him. Loved him. Held his hand. All the tender loving things we do when someone is dying.
It all happened in their home he died in the dining room he was on hospice, but they only came from 11pm to 6 AM...
She let hospice go shortly after Christmas and she and the family cared for my father those last few days.
When my mother said she just wants to hole up in a hotel room where there's no Christmas, it surprised me.
I suggested that she join us, or go to someone's house like my sisters or brothers but she was adamant saying she doesn't want anything to do with Christmas during that week he died.
Of course we would love her to be w us but this is how she's feeling right now.
Last week she made a reservation at a local restaurant honoring the family tradition of a Christmas dinner out for their five children and our spouses. That was a good sign, a big step, but she did stress that it's "not a Christmas party", that she's "just honoring Dad's tradition"
And just today, she orchestrated Thanksgiving.
I invited her to join me and my grown children for thanksgiving dinner 4 days ago and she flatly refused then, saying "I can't even THINK" of the holidays right now..." Buy the next day she emailed and asked me if I'd consider going out. I didn't know why she was asking... Was she just hoping to make it easier for me by suggesting I don't cook (she knows how involved I get in the details of cooking and hosting...) so I asked her who she was referring to when she asked if I'd ever consider going out and that's when she said that at first she was just asking me because she was trying to make it easier for me, but then she said that IF we went to a restaurant. Maybe she'd join us too.
I checked with my kids and they of course said anything for Grandma, so I told her we'd like to go out and then she said maybe my brother and his wife could join us and my sister and her brother, buy she wasn't sure if she could find a restaurant this close to the holiday. And then said maybe my brother would think of something fun to do and now what happened is its back at my house. She's coming as are my sister and brother!!!
She said "We'll all bring something" - and added, "This is Thanksgiving. I can DO Thanksgiving" and added that she doesn't know what she'll do with herself on Christmas. That's the tough one. I told her I'd have to think about that (meaning check this thread. See if anyone had ideas...in Europe they have get a ways for people who don't want to be around for the holiday but not in the US.
She was never a traveler herself. Never flew anywhere by herself. She went with my father to China and other places but she really is not a traveler.
She stays close to home and her family has always been her circle of friends.
She's not a bridge player, doesn't play golf, she's very inquisitive and smart and curious and resourceful so she's happy at home, looking things up on the computer and sharing her news - always has such great things to share with us! - and shes a brilliant writer. She used to be a secretary and she was the Best one by far. Super organized.
But she's 87. She's been through hell and she survived. She's exhauseted much of the time due to the insomnia she's had for 50 years. And she misses her husband so much.
After he died, his car died. It was an old Buick, but he had taken such good care of it and he loved that car. He gave it to my brother in law who just let it sit in his driveway and then it developed problems and it was towed to a junkyard. That was sad for my mom. And then last month their other car was totaled. Another "link" to my father, gone.
The cats the only link she has now.
I hope you can understand.
I love my mother; I'm probably one of the closest to her beside my brother who is someone she absolutely loves to death (her only son and the baby of the family).
It's just that that week is going to be a tough one, nothing more.
I liked the idea of having one of the kids take her on a road trip.
I'm sure that can happen and willingly-so.good suggestion.
My sister suggested a stay at a monastery!!! My father loved to visit them whenever he traveled (he loved to travel) and she found out you can stay at them and they're very restful...
Who knows what will happen.
She did get an appointment for her knee (arthritis) Dec 29th she told me yesterday...
So I think she'll most likely be in the area.
I think visits are the only option.
We'll all visit her and we'll take her out.
Maybe she can get picked up by one of my kids and brought to where we'll be, so she can see the house in the Berkshires if she wants...
She'll probably find this post because she's always on the computer googling things.
I hope it doesn't upset her if she sees it. She'd be upset with me for "making a big deal" of it.
But it IS a big deal, and I wanted to see if anyone had any night.
She says its just this Xmas, and that "maybe next year it'll be better"
I admire her strength, tenacity, and desire to get better and go on.

Teadrinker, I see nothing self-centered in your posting. You sound genuinely concerned for your Mom. Maybe the best idea is to make sure she isn't alone over the holiday season. Remind her that she has a supportive and loving family.

"What happens in the Lounge stays in the Lounge. Sheez."
Why is that?

What a nice post and nice family.

Someone suggested Road Scholar and you may want to check to see if they are offering something in your area during that week. I'm glad she's reaching out and considering spending time with family. I'm in a similar situation with the recent death of my mother (at 86) and trying to sort out what the holidays will look like for my father. I took him on a road trip to his favorite place last week but three days there was as long as he wanted to stay. I've arranged plans for Christmas Eve and have contacted my siblings to see what they can plan for the rest of the holidays. He is living in a wonderful assisted living facility and is so active there. Being there when mom died has been a Godsend. We went out to dinner last night and his friends were playing cards when we returned and I wondered if he was sorry he missed the card game. They were playing cards when my mom fell ill about a month ago. Anyway, there are no "right" answers. The best any of us can do it to sort out ideas and do the best we can. This board is full of "I hate Christmas" threads every year so I was a bit surprised to read many of the comments on this thread. Maybe if there's a cabin or beach house or someplace nearby you could rent for your mother and then family members alternate spending a day or two with her? Who knows? I offered suggestions in the SE US but at her age I would not blame her if she didn't want to travel that far. Some families go on cruises. My grandmother took my brother on a cruise from NYC to the Bahamas one year. Maybe if someone could accompany her on a cruise, that would work. I don't think it's a bad thing if she spends SOME alone time during that week, but a full week alone would be hard for most people. Wishing you the best.

Given what you've said, and the tags you put on your thread, I thought of a place I look at from my summer home but have never actually attended a function there. It is a lovely location between Mystic and Stonington on the Connecticut shore. I don't know if they are planning anything for the week you care about, but if you check the web site you could check it out. It is a Roman Catholic place, but you don't have to be Catholic to go there:

http://www.endersisland.com

what a lovely post, tea drinker, and brave of you to post it given the tone of some of the contributions.

I don't have a solution, but only admiration.

See--the Thanksgiving "transition" worked with some patience and communication. I would make a bet that something similar might work for Christmas. She is dreading it from afar--I really hope as each day brings it closer, she will find it possible to cope with.

teadrinker, what a lovely, thoughtful, honest post. I wish you and your family all the best in figuring out some new holiday traditions this year.

As you're seeing, there is no "right" answer to this issue. Your mother is still making her way through the grieving process, and it really does differ from person to person-- from minute to minute.

My mother also wanted to get a bit of an escape from the usual holiday festivities the first Christmas without my father. It turned out to be the last Christmas she enjoyed relative good health, ironically (it's been a litany of illnesses and calamities and family feuds ever since), so I treasure the fact that she decided to spend that first Christmas with me.

In Las Vegas.

Say what you will, but we actually had a wonderful time losing ourselves in the glitz and shiny lights and noise and silliness. And we had ample opportunities to toast Dad's memory while we lost money-- er, played the slots. And my siblings didn't object at all-- they knew Mom had to get a bit of distraction to get through the holiday.

I think Gretchen is right too; keep those lines of communication open for Christmas, make sure everyone stays flexible. This is about helping your mom. Stay strong, keep smiling-- happy memories will get everyone through.

I bet Thanksgiving will help implant the thought that being with family during Christmas time would be comforting.