you guys are too funny -- maybe I should just give the bride $250 and offer not to show up, so she can make some money!!!!

THIS is one of the reasons I only had grandparents, paren,s andsiblings at my wedding... Did n't want to have to deal with this crap.

I think you're all right. Just depends on the circumstances and the customs of the area.

This was a fun and eye-opening post--guess people just differ on expectations. For the record, I think art glass or tickets would be a nice gift! (Also FTR, the girls coming out party is at age 15 (a Quincinera), and hoo boy! can that be a lavish event!)

frankie, i really want to apologize for the behavior of some of my fellow fodorites. normally a very helpful group.
ziana. thank you so much for your oh so helpful and kind words. NOT regardless of your age i do not think you should be forgiven such rudeness!!!

Frankie,

I hosted a nice wedding a couple years ago in SoCal for my 30 year old. The average money gift was $200, but lots of $100 checks also (not counting some larger values immediate relatives gave toward Honeymoon). The college friends gave gifts from the registry. They did get one $300 check, and that was from a couple from the east coast, who also went to the expense to fly out, and we were shocked at that amount. Seems larger amounts are normal in the east.

I think your $250 is very generous.

I think most people are generalizing from their own experiences and that is dangerous.

I live in the South and I have never, ever been to a wedding reception where a meal was served. Many were very nice but we just don't do that.

When my daughter married, $25 would have been a great gift. Very, very few gifts were over $50. She appreciated everything.

The rest of you should just do what you want and let others do the same.

gaegrand, you said that you " think most people are generalizing from their own experiences and that is dangerous."
Absolutely and yes, you could be right :)

I lived in the South, when you say "we don't do that", what is we? Southerners do, Do that..

But at the same time, I lived in a place where huge meals were served and hundreds of guests came and wedding gifts were hundreds of dollars.
And not even noticed because everyone did it that way-
It is fun to read this and see how others feel about this- fun to see what people in different places do in this case.

Frankie, be glad you are not living in Japan like my son...
his friend got married.
Son had to take the bullet train to the wedding ( $100) then stay over night ( $100) and give a money gift ( that is what they do ( $200) ..

I'll chime in here... I just got married a little over a year ago. My husband and I live in LA and were wed in Chicago. It wasn't cheap! We had a tight budget, very graciously provided by my mom, with a little help from his family, and a little more help from us. We spent much less than the "average" wedding today.

We were ever so grateful that people we love came to celebrate our special day with us and each gift (well, with the exception of the hard bound 1982 edition of "Microwaving Meats" from his aunt -- NO JOKE!-- I don't eat meat) was very much appreciated. We got a few checks above $500 and a few below $50. It was an honor that everyone came, had a good time, and gave a gift to help us get started.

From a newlywed's perspective, a gift of any amount is a gracious gift. Any other way of looking at it would be spoiled, IMHO.

lynnejoel, how nice to read your post. I have read all the posts on this thread plus the other thread started by the bride.

I have cringed. I have wondered if people that could not afford "to cover the cost of what the bride paid out per person for the reception plus a profit so to speak" would forego attending the wedding of someone they loved and cared about and wanted to celebrate with due to a limited budget. How sad that would be.

IMO the wedding and reception should be planned depending on the finances of whoever is paying for the wedding without any regard as to what the invited guest will give in a way of a wedding present be it a wrapped present or a check or cash.

When I got married a dear little widowed Italian lady gave my husband and I two pretty but very inexpensive wine glasses with a note in Italian "drink to your love and good health forever". No amount of money could have replaced that gift. I will remember it forever.

lynnejoel, I also loved your post. You and your husband sound like great people and I am sure your friends and relatives loved attending your wedding. Wishing you lots and lots of happy years together.

Weddings and funerals - expensive and rife with social landmines.

I have a question, though: Since when are guests expected to be cheerfully saddled with covering the hosts' entertaining expenses, especially since those expenses were incurred without the guests' input into how they are to be entertained? Maybe we should all vote before the wedding. Those response cards would be a trip.

Personally, I'd rather go to a beer and "pig-pickin'" wedding than a sit-down dinner with a bad band and rubber chicken next to crazy Aunt Tilly. I'll kick in 15 bucks.

Or, I'll take my invitation as an expression of friendship or familial love, give a gift I can afford and have chosen with a thought to what the couple might enjoy, and contribute pleasantly to the mood of the party and solemn, happy vows the couple is taking.

That was my verbal hand-grenade of the day. Guess I'll have to be nice from now on. Drat.

I agree with the last post- If the job of guests is to cover the hosts' entertaining expenses, then it is only fair that the guests get a say in the menu, band, cake, etc.

I think there should be some type of proxie voting if a guest can't come to the pre-wedding meeting. All corporation laws should be followed, with failure to do so resulting in a deleterious effect on the longevity of couples' marriage.

I wasn't trying to be rude...just sorry for people who spend money on gifts that end up at garage sale for a $.25

I'm not familiar with the cover your plate thing. And I'm not going to do it.

I'll pick out something I think is nice (usually from the registry) that cost around $25-$50. That is what I can afford. If you look down your nose at that type of gift, then please don't invite me.

I grew up with you give a gift, not cash. Also to pick something from the registry because the happy couple can turn in the extra cold-meat forks and dessert plates for store credit for the expensive gifts they didn't receive.

The bride and groom chose to get married in Grandma's garden or Duke chapel. They chose to have Uncle Buddy cook a pig or have a sit down meal at the faniest place in town.

Jerry Seinfeld was on the Tonight Show recently. His stand up bit was on people don't want to attend your wedding.

Ziana, leave it be. Rudeness can be perceived when none is intended. And here on Fodors very easily for threads that are perceived threats to anyones' political belief systems or individual consumption spending. You do know where I am coming from- and condensed it well. Better than I, as I am way too wordy. It isn't essentially economic at all. For many of these Fodorites a wedding is an entirely different kind of celebration. And love and friendship are never mixed with individual economics.

We give non-cash presents at the wedding showers and will for weddings- but it is very rare. I think at the wedding I went to on Dec. 17, there was some silver and some crystal.

It seems that Americans can be more open-minded about customs and belief systems, especially with rituals, traditions of gifts upon rites of passage, that are practiced in foreign countries and on other continents, but are not with those closer to home.

I simply do not understand why anger is generated by another's generosity or monetary traditions involved with those rituals/rites of passage- that is evidenced on this thread. You just don't get the concept of "we" as practiced in a CLOSE community. It's isn't about adding it up at all. I surveyed for MYSELF and no one else. You aren't being prostilitized.

And LoveItaly, there would never be anyone left out or made to feel like they couldn't come if they didn't have the funds. Never have seen that happen. Never. In fact, totally the opposite. No one usually knows who even paid for bridesmaid's dresses, airfares etc. It is always done personally and with COMMUNICATION. We are friends, and we talk- and not just through formal invitations and answering machines either.

I would never impose any rules of behavior upon a custom usually observed in another part of the country. Nor would I expect my customs there. I have enjoyed all kinds of weddings. And some I have not enjoyed because the real essence for the celebration was not there. And the first could be in a VFW hall, and the second could be at a world class hotel and be a three day affair.

And to compare $25 even 7 or 8 years ago to now??? I couldn't afford a $500 down payment on a $10,000 house in 1968.
What does that have to do with the price of housing today.

$25 was a different gift 10 years ago. Now $25 is spent by student workers for coffee each week.

Wow! Lots of interesting reading.

The south comment threw me. I have been to many sit down reception dinners. What "south" are you from gaegrand?

And now I feel bad that we have 5 children in the family (neices and cousins) under the age 13 and we sent them a $25 gift card for the bookstore for Christmas.

Was that too little?

One family member with 2 neices sent my child (under 12) a $15 gift certificate to Bath and Body Works. I had sent them $25 to each kid. Next year should I send the kids $7.50 each?

I dont think so.

My child promptly worte a thank you note and mailed it off. I still dont know if the 1 set of neices even received the cards I mailed.

Where is the love?

And the reason that Jerry Seinfeld's routine works, and I have heard it- is because many Americans now don't want to go to weddings. They simply seldom feel close enough to the actual bride and groom, and don't really have a friend relationship with them one on one at all. That's one of the reasons for all the ire here on our traditional ways or different opinions, because we mostly do. We also have huge families which are not the norm anymore either.

Somewhere in this thread, some young person posted- "why have a party for your parents friends" etc. When you get into the bigger wedding receptions- those over say 125- you are most probably into this rhelm. Those 150 people are not all personal friends of the bride and groom.

So why the dislike of weddings in general? The studies reflect Seinfeld- many really don't care to attend most weddings unless they are a personal friend or close relative to the bride and groom now. Two dependent reasons isolated in the study, a more than 50% divorce rate and no couple community identity. Before 1970 or so, these factors were different.

Because of love of my friends and family I am stuck with thousands of dollars gifts I HATE!!!
and never going to use but it is too expensive for garage sale and too ugly too use.
How do you know what to give? Are you sure you are totally 'gift expert'?
Congratulation!

frankie -

I always knew you were a Class Act.

If you want to give an actual gift - you could give a "spa day/afternoon" to the couple.

And what to wear??? Something from Garnet Hill? Or Eileen Fisher? Timeless and you could wear again.

When I re-married a few years ago, I couldn't even tell you the monetary amounts of gifts. What we cared about most was the effort everyone made from all over the country to attend our wedding. That was the greatest gift of all. I know it sounds corny... but we showed everyone a great weekend in New Orleans - so many wonderful memories.

What I have learned this morning:

Before attending a wedding be sure to find out the customs and expectations of the families involved. Weddings are super-charged celebrations loaded with cultural meaning that may not be obvious to the outsider.

The wedding present I received in 1979 that I use the most today:

A small blue duffel bag from Eddie Bauer given to me by a college friend who was very active in hiking and outdoors activities, who lived in Seattle and traveled to New York for the wedding. I've been using it daily for decades to carry my flute, piccolo, music, music stand, clothes pins, gloves with the fingers cut out, sun visor, eyeglass repair screwdriver and other essentials. Some years ago I took out the cloth backpacking frisbee she had enclosed. I see her seldom now but am reminded of her just about every day.