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You misunderstand, OO -- and lay guilt on jor to be the "good one" too. He doesn't necessarily have to be completely absent -- although he's entitled to if parents and "bad son" can't get their acts together. He can simply award himself a "time out" and tell them he'll come back into the room/house/yard when things shape up.
He can also say he'll spend time w/parents without brother around if brother's presence guarantees strife. But it's not fair to rob jor of his own right to enjoy holidays and be something other than Good Son -- among other things, Bad Son has no incentive to improve if he can't match jor's "goodness." Hey jor, what would you do if you wanted to act out, yourself??!? ;-) |
Rant: A friend of mine who is 42 just got diagnosed with a form of leukemia usually afflicting people in their 60s or 70s, and has to go through 30 days of chemo.
Rave: Jimmy Buffett concert tomorrow, party at my house for July 4th, and Monday will be the perfect recovery day! Happy 4th everyone! :D Karen |
RAVE: kaudrey just reminded me, I have seats for ANNIE LENOX (w/Sting as back up, as far as I am concerned, but I am a big Annie fan) at a great outdoor pavillion, underneath the roof and close enough to see her lungs expand when she belts those crooning tunes out-- next Friay night!! I had completely forgotten! Thanks Kaudrey
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Awww kaudrey Lucky you!!!!
Rant: I'm missing Buffet this year at Jones beach Rave: Cause i'll be on my way to France FINS WAY WAY UP!!!!! |
rant: lost a tooth last week :(
[rave: it doesn't hurt anymore :D] RAVE: We leave for Skopje, Macedonia on Monday -- good friends, good food and a wonderful time:) |
Cassandra, I believe that although Jor is distressed by his brother's actions, his real concern was <i>not</i> for himself, but for his parents and what his brother has done to them with his behavior. Jor's Mother's Day wasn't ruined. His Mother's was!
I can relate to Jor's problem. My brother may or may not have been an alcoholic. I never saw him drunk, but he drank alot and he was a constant source of concern and consternation for my parents. Drinking was not his biggest problem though: he was bi-polar. They worried non-stop about him, which in turn made me worry for them, and what it was doing to them. There was no laying of a guilt trip on me. They were my parents and I was concerned for their health and happiness. They were aging. They did not need that added stress and constant worry, and if there was a way for me to ease it at all, I certainly wanted to do it. Adding further stress to the situation by saying he won't be around will not help any one of them, including Jor! That's selfish. I'm so glad my parents died before my brother did. They did not see the final stages of his disease and what it had done to him. He drank and smoked himself to death at age 57...their pride, their "once happy boy" (as they so often recalled), a real intellect--a brilliant person, and a talent lost to a disease that could not be controlled. I have seen the sadness diseases such as these create in a family. I had no need to be the "good daughter", but I loved my parents enough that if there was a way to ease what they were going through, then I would, and pulling out for my own benefit was not going to accomplish that. I had good times <i>all the time</i>, but once a child is down and out, that child's parents suffer every single day, no matter how old the child is! I could give up some of my good times and intervene where I could. That <i>is</i> what famiies are about. Jor..in your shoes, I think I would talk with your parents, then hopefully you all can get your brother some help. My only regret now doesn't have to do with my parents, but with myself, that I didn't try harder and work harder with his social workers to see to it that what needed to be done <i>was</i> being done, and that I didn't follow up vigorously when I sensed things going amiss. No excuse...I screwed up! |
Jor and OO -- we're all doing the best we can. OO, you didn't screw up. Jor, good luck to you.
Rant: I've been slaving away trying to finish up reclamation of house after having it torn up after a leaky in-wall pipe. Seems endless. Rave: Dear Son and new GF are coming to this coast from other coast for the long weekend. I've never met her except on webcam. Seems sweet. So YAY!!! And best wishes to all for a safe 4th, quiet except for local fireworks show. |
Jor, you may want to start with a support group for relatives of alcoholics, find one in your area. They will help you with dealing with your brother and your parents. This is where you can talk openly about all your problems and doubts. Maybe Alcoholic Anonymous website is the best place to start? Good luck!
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OO, you bring tears to my eyes!
We have a 'happy boy' and I know it would do terrible things to his mom and dad if he were to change, I have nothing but sympathy for any family going through something like this. I can only send cyber hugs to jor and tell him that whether he bills himself as such, he is still a Good Son ~ Ani-that sound (baby belly laugh) stays in your mind and heart Forever! I can still hear my two ((L)) rjw- your sister is so blessed with a loving family. Who needs hair! One less thing to obsess over :) Faina- Happy Anniversary **== Kal, I will be waiting to hear your GOOD news too ((Y)) And God Bless our Servicemen, they volunteer to fight far from home and we have no draft because there are so many of them. Heros, every one! **== |
jor, I had a snotty mother-in-law like that and a best friend who were alcoholics. The ONLY way to deal with it, is, if ALL friends and family come together and confront the drinker to tell him/her how they love them but are concerned with their drinking and the destruction it's causing them, their families and friends.
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Rave: Scarlett's family member is A-OK! Kal, I hope your relative is A-OK, as well.
Rave: rjw's sis seeming to be out of the woods. I hope so! Who needs hair anyway? Rave: Summer visit with my husband's daughter is going great! Rave: Happy Birthday, America! Rave: My island was the first nation to salute US Independance on November 16, 1776. Bet you didn't learn that one in history class, did you? Rant: Karen's friend's diagnosis. Diana, from one animal lover to another, I hope your horse is going to be fine, too! Have a great fourth, everyone!!! |
Thanks to all of you who gave advice. My brother lives in a nearby city and has his own life. He is Very stuborn and any confrontation about his drinking without a doubt would lead only to a permanent absense on his part and my parents would not be able to handle it. I would also be out of his life forever.
Mothers Day was difficult for all of us. He invited us to his house for the first time in years. He spent the whole time complaining about a "food poisoning" i.e. hung over from the day before. He had a puke bucket next to his easy chair while Mom opened her gift. Then he practicaly chased us out of his house with that 'look' on his face. It was disgusting. Last month I purchased a ticket to visit an old friend on the other end of the country during the extended Thanksgiving weekend. I can not take another holiday being around my brother. I see my parents often and know that they would like me to be there for Thanksgiving but I have a life too and need some time away. This is a very difficult situation. My parents are old and my brother is a time bomb. I guess I need to find some professional help with this. |
huge rant--our backpacking trip is off! dh's work...he has to be reachable by phone and we were going to be totally out of reach...arghhhh!!!
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jor: Stand strong! You have a right to your own life, you have a right to have a good relationship with your folks separate from your brother (I'd work on establishing this and soon), you have a right to not be around such self-destruction. Seeing a support group or counselor will be helpful.
Statia: Thanks! Karen: Sorry about your friend. But keep him/her focused on NOT being a victim of the disease, but a warrior in the battle. And make sure you invite him/her to a great dinner somewhere after the chemo's done with its magic. ronkola: Congrats to your wife and to you! You gotta keep your mind on the "prize" in these situations. Kal: Hoping for good news with you as well. Oh yeah! Minor rave: FINALLY got my wireless router working at home. Web access on wherever my laptop happens to be! Happy Fourth to Everybody!!! **== B-) **== |
jor I don't have any advice for you but wanted you to know I'm keeping your family in my prayers.
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Rant: Have to work the next 3.5 hours
Rave #1: I turn 40 tomorrow!!! I am one of those rare birds who actually enjoys aging. Taking tomorrow off!! (Rant #2: Hubby could not get time off tomorrow) Rave #2: 7 months pregnant with my first baby. All is well. Got Gestastional Diabetes results back yesterday (the long test) & I don't have it. Happy Happy Joy Joy!! |
rj...are you available for helllllp?!
We ordered a Dell Inspiron, and router this week. Router came yesterday, notebook should be here by Tuesday. What am I getting myself in to?! I looked online at some despcriptions of set-up and none of the words are in my vocabulary even. You mean there is more to it than plugging each wire into the correct hole and hitting "e"? And I'm considered the computer expert of the two of us, so it's me or no one....Will this be next week's rant...if I can even get here to make the rant? |
OO: Don't lose hope. It's not impossible! Worse comes to worse, you can search Dell's website for info on wireless router setup and troubleshooting. It worked for me and my HP laptop. Best of luck!
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jor: When I was a nurse, I was a drug and alcohol rehab nurse in Houston at the old St. Joseph's hospital (the changes with managed care closed that mental health facility down- very few 28 day inpatient programs for drug and ETOH stays now). If you seek counseling, try to find someone who understands that problem and the family dynamics it creates, and how to help you with it and yourself. Not all counselors are good with that, find someone who is. Not easy stuff to go through; I've gone through it on a personal level also w/someone very close to me. But it is worth it and much better to deal w/it in the open and w/support and not feel alone. Personal counseling is good, and AlAnon seems to help most people also. Sometimes it is scary to think of the group thing, but it can be a comfort and supportive as you take steps to change your own reactions, once you get there.
god bless. rave: you shared something very personal and I hope you get some good help w/it |
rave
have been taking a swimming class for "terrified adults" and today managed to float on my back all on my own - of course for probably all of 10 secs - but for terrified ole me...wheeee no rants |
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