I've never once felt guilty or bad declining a wedding invitation local or destination nor did I hold it against the people who did not attend my wedding.

Speaking of, my wedding was a destination wedding but it was my husband's hometown.

Which category does that fall under?

There's just no end to the things people can throw themselves into a snit about at weddings: children/no children; alcohol/no alcohol; religious differences; bride not "properly dressed,", too young/too old, already living together, etc. etc. You'll never be able to please everybody, so just do the best you can and enjoy the day.

Agree wholeheartedly with Kingfisherqueen. Weddings truly seem to bring out the worst in people, and definitely not just the bride and groom. You really can't please everyone so you just try to do the best you can and what makes sense for you. I recently heard about an aunt that wouldn't attend her niece's local wedding because she couldn't bring her dog to the reception! Never mind that pets weren't even allowed in the facility.....

I have to agree with the original poster, in that having a destination wedding and expecting others to have to pay to join you is selfish.

My wife and I had a destination wedding in the Caribbean four years ago this upcoming July, but we decided well in advance that for a number of reasons - one set of parents being better off than the other, each family living on opposite ends of the country, different religious backgrounds, having been to too many weddings that cost $25k+ where the bride and groom were so overwhelmed with the day that neither could really enjoy it - that we would get married on a tropical island and that there would be no guests at our wedding.

Neither of us could conceive of asking either set of parents or our closest friends to pay $5k+ to come down to witness a 20 minute ceremony. We flew through my wife's hometown on the way back, where her family threw a nice reception for her friends and family, and my parents did the same for my side when we returned home.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand...

In my opinion, any bride/groom who get upset that people won't shell out big $'s to come to a destination wedding need a serious reality check.

eloping is sounding better and better!

I've been to 3 weddings this year already, thank goodness not destination weddings, but we did have to change vacation plans to attend one, and lost a little money there.

Both of my teens have said they want nothing to do with these big weddings when they get married and I hope they remember, lol!

It seems to me that in this ridiculous celebrity culture everyone wants to have their one day in the sun, with sentimental videos of the couple included, numerous toasts, all costing so much money; it all seems so incredibly self indulgent to me, tacky and so different than previous generations.

Terrence, good for you, I love your idea!

I got married in Moorea, Tahiti and I sent out my invites but to only my closest friends and family came and there was no hard feelings but I did send a air/hotel deal that we used and everyone was so happy to go to Tahiti and see us and we all partied like rock stars and had so much fun..
I am renewing my vows in Kauai this September and asked a few of the same people who were in Tahiti and they jumped at the chance..
I say if you can't afford it or don't want to go, I believe that the bride and groom won't take it personally..
I didn't.. I was glad I didn't do the traditional church wedding...not my style but I wouldn't be mad that someone else made other travel plans or didn't want to go..saves me money! :)

I can understand a couple's wish to have a wedding in an exotic or beautiful locale. But I also would have no problem in not attending, if I could not make the time or could not afford it.

If I were the one getting married, I would not feel obligated to hold a reception at home for those who could not attend the wedding. As a friend or family member, I would not feel entitled to a reception if I missed the wedding. Receptions were supposed to be a "thank you" meal for the those who witnessed the wedding - the witnessing being a "favor" to the couple. At least, that's how I was raised. (I think couples nowdays make too much of the reception, turning it into a sort of social "competition" or exhibition. And, I think most of my friends' stress came from arranging their receptions, not the wedding itself which is really the more important event).

We were friends (note operative word 'were') with a couple who planned a destination wedding in Las Vegas. They picked a time of year that was my husband's busy season. We could not go, but gave them a nice gift when we attended the 'after' party at home here in NYC.

A year later when my husband and I were getting married, the woman called to b@tch to me about my 'destination' wedding in NJ (45 minutes from NYC) because she would have to go to the expense of renting a car. Please note that money is not an issue with them, they both are well off, & she in particular tends to brag about it.

They came to the wedding and out of 250 guests, were the only ones who did not bring a gift. My husband called a month after the wedding, just to make sure their gift had not been lost in all the chaos. Her response was to send us a bathroom garbage pail from my almost closed out bridal shower registry. I believe she deducted the cost of the rental car from our gift.

We have not seen or spoken to them since. Don't know if either of us was wrong or there is any fault here. I just know that I wish I could edit them out of my pictures.....My issue with her is not the cost of the pail, just that she could have come up with something personal,like my unemployed friend who gave us a $10 Guest Book that we cherish to this day. Since we had been married for more than 2 months and obviously we would have already gotten a pail, I feel that her belated gift was a slap in the face for inconveniencing her.

Yes, it's "YOUR day" and you can do what you want. But do think: Will it have been "worth it" even if you only lose ONE life long friend?

If you think "yes", well... God bless you. I feel sorry for you.

bardo1,

if i lose even one lifelong friend for deciding to have a destination wedding, then it probably did me a favor since i would have spent years on an entirely shallow friendship! i wouldn't be offended if friends couldn't attend. if they were offended that it was a destination wedding then maybe they should examine why they couldn't just be happy for me and politely decline the invitation rather than taking it as a personal afront to them.

I'd love to be invited to a destination wedding, it would give me an excuse to travel.

On the other hand, if I couldn't afford it, didn't like the destination or couldn't take time off, I would feel absolutely zero obligation to go.

I imagine any couple having a destination wedding understands that no one may show up, and it shouldn't really bother them, it's a big expense.

Hmmm... I've never been invited to a wedding at a "far flung locale" as the OP phrased it. :-( . I'd love to be! It'd give me the excuse to add ANOTHER trip to our yearly trips :-) . My friends and family have done theirs not to far from where we live. Darn them!

Seriously, I don't think it's rude to plan a destination wedding. It's that couple's day and they should be able to do what they want to do. Why would anyone feel obligated to go is beyond me. If I can go to it, great. If I can't for whatever reason, I can't, and I would certainly not feel any resentment toward them and think that it's rude that the bride/groom did not think about MY needs/wants on THEIR day. I would certainly send a gift and be polite in my response. How rude not to do so. And yes, I would expect them to be okay with me not being able to make it. If not, then that's really their problem.

Personally, I would have loved to have had a destination wedding. But both my husband and I have BIG families and some of them would not have been able to make it. For us, it was important to celebrate our day with our families and our friends. But that's us. Everyone is different.
I do think that if your situation is the same as ours (big and close families) - or you know your parents and other close family members do not have a lot of money - , you really should think twice about a destination wedding or be prepared for the unpleasant consequences. That's just reality, whether you like it or not.

While 'friends' should logically understand that not everyone can make it due to time, money, or babysitting, EMOTIONS frequently come into play - even more so around weddings and hurt feelings occur.

Any couple having a destination wedding SHOULD understand that not everyone can come, again, its not quite that simple.

This is reality folks. Hurt feelings and lost friendships occur over really inane and mundane (hey they rhyme!) things.

I believe it you want to have a destination wedding - have it. For yourself (as Terrence did). Don't invite anyone and then you've not created any hurt feelings or guilt.

What is the point of having a destination wedding and then 2 'receptions' in the 2 hometowns? If the reception is that important to you, then have the wedding at one town and the reception at another. I certainly understand logistics of not making all of one side of the family travel extensively, but not TWO!

there are two prevailing opinions throughout this thread:
- logical (and maybe a little naive - haven't been through it)
- emotional (guilty about not being able to go/money issues/lost friendships) - have faced the 'reality' of what has happened....

For anyone interested there happens to be an article about this very subject at www.cnn.com/travel/ today.

I meant to add that it would be nice to see the combination of logic and emotion, but when weddings are involved all bets are out!

Frankie - While our decision to not invite anyone to our wedding worked well for us (and somewhat grudgingly, our families both understood why), it's certainly not for everyone. Honestly, if my wife had expressed any desire for a ceremony in front of family and friends, I would have let her have the wedding of her dreams.

For us, both being in our mid-late 20's at the time, and having completed graduate school and established in careers, it was the right decision for us to spend 1/3 of what we had budgeted for a "big" wedding, to go away to the Caribbean for 2 weeks, have a civil ceremony, and then to put the balance as a down payment on a home.

Do we think we "missed out" by not having a wedding with family and friends? No, not really - everybody we love and care about we see regularly anyway, and it's not like we were just starting out in life and really needed a tea kettle from great aunt Martha, who we see every five years at weddings and funerals (which, while it may be wrong, seems to be the reason many of our friends and acquaintances have weddings with hundreds of guests).

Returned 2weeks ago from son's wedding in Caribbean. Raised my eyebrows when DIL first came up with the idea. Cashed in all frequent flyer miles, boarded the dogs, took vacation time. Here's the bottom line: The 30 of us that were there had a MARVELOUS week together, spending lots of time getting to know the other family. My dearest friend was financially unable to be there; to insinuate that there would be hard feeling against her is ridiculous.

There will be memories forever of my son's friends and college roommates being my special "boys" for the weekend. It was a wedding that we will always remember, and for those who couldn't come,for whatever reason, we felt their good wishes.

Please be open minded and nonjudgmental toward the bride and groom

Surfmom - Just to be clear about the "after-receptions", these were a backyard bbq by my mother-in-law on the east coast (where my wife is from), and an afternoon tea by my parents on the west coast (where I'm from and where we live) - nobody who came to one party, felt the need to fly cross-country to the other.

Both parties were very informal and both were events that were insisted on by the collective parents, so they could show-off their new daughter/son-in-law. My wife and I neither asked for, nor expected these parties, although having the chance to spend time with family and friends and to receive their well-wishes was very nice.

I have been fortunate enought to have been invited to a couple of destination weddings and I have enjoyed every minute of them. They were both in places I probably would have never traveled to otherwise and as guests we were well taken care of as far as planned activities, transportation, and the like. I hope I get invited to more in the future. We really bonded with our friends during those trips and I left with some great memories.