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Bar Mitzvah question
I guess this really isn't a true "travel" question, however, I will be traveling to go to a Bar Mitzvah.
I have a question: I was born and raised Catholic and live in a rather non-diverse area and I have never been to a Bar Mitzvah. My son and I were invited to his friends Bar Mitzvah and I am not sure of the customs. I know enough to know the significance of the event, however, I don't know the party or ceremony customs. Do we go to the actual ceremony and if so will we stick out? Will we be expected to particpate in some way and if so how? Does my son need to wear a cap in the Synagoge? Also, what type of gift is appropriate? Is cash appropriate and if so what is the average gift? Sorry to sound so ignorant to the subject so please educate me! |
You'll get lots of useful advice here, but a few questions first:
1)do you know if the family is "Orthodox" "Conservative" "Reform" or something else? The religious denomination of the family will dictate some of the traditions, what the ceremony will be like, etc 2)In what city or part of the country is this taking place? For better or for worse, gift giving traditions (including the amount) vary by region 3)Are you very close to the family? Neighbors, best friends etc? The short answer to all of your questions is relax! Obviously the family wants you there and will not be worried by your lack of knowledge of some finer points of etiquette. But I understand your wanting some more details and reassurance |
Exactly, relax. Everybody invites non-Jews to Bar/Bat (female) Mitzvah services, so nobody's going to feel put out if you don't understand everything that's going on.
Generally Bar Mitzvah "ceremonies" are limited to the boy participating in Saturday services, reading a portion of the Torah, giving an interpretation of the reading and/or an additional speech, ("Today I am a Fountain Pen,") and so on. Ready to take his place in the community. After the service ends there will be food. More food. Par-tay. Usually the big party will take place somewhere else than the synagogue - someplace where the Rabbi can make an appearance, then find some reason to leave before things get - well - teenaged. The questions regarding orthodox, conservative, reform etc. are significant mainly in that seating arrangements may vary, or more or less of the service will be conducted in Hebrew, etc. Again, these events typically draw non-Jewish friends or associates of the family, and every synagogue has easily-followed procedures. You can google the name of the congregation and usually determine quickly what movement it falls into. If it's conservative or orthodox, then most likely men will be asked to wear <i>kippot</i> (skullcaps) - they will be available at the service (and often are given as souvenirs by the boy's family.) The invitation should make clear what attire restrictions there might be. Other things like dietary offerings following the service or at the party will be handled by the family and congregation. Cash is often used as a present, or a savings bond in the boy's name. As for amount, treat it like any other significant birthday, no more, no less. |
AlexA brings up good issues. What I can tell you:
Yes, you should go to the ceremony at the synogogue if you're planning on attending the party afterwards (or that night). Depending on the denomination, the service itself will probably be about 2 hrs. Unless you have been asked, you will not be expected to participate in the ceremony. In most synogogues, boys and men are expected to wear a cap (these will be provided by the synogogue as you walk in). The party will be similar to a wedding reception, in many aspects... dinner or lunch is served, usually live music, etc. There is usually what's called a "candlelighting ceremony," in which relatives and close friends are asked to come up and light one of the candles on the cake. You don't have to know anything to do this. Gifts: can be anything... cash is appropriate; if you're not personally comfortable with giving cash, gift cards are a good idea. There is a Jewish tradition in which monetary amounts are given in multiples of 18... 18 is a special number which signifies "chai" or "life." Often Bar and Bat Mitzvahs will receive a check or gift card in the amount of say $36 (double chai) or $54 (triple chai), etc. Just an insider tip!!! |
Don't worry about "sticking out" because you won't be able to help feeling that way. And there will probably be other boys there with their families who are also not Jewish feeling a bit awkward as well. Just try to relax. The family obviously wanted you to be there.
An invitation to a Bar Mitzvah means both the snyagogue service and the reception. Normally, the service will be conducted to allow for the fact that there will be guests in attendance who are either not Jewish or who do not attend regular synagogue services. The point is not to make people feel uncomfortable. Just follow along as best you can. No one will be judging you. Be happy for the Bar Mitzvah - it's his big day! Yes, your son will be expected to wear a kippah, but one will be provided for him either by the family for the ceremony or through the synagogue. They will be at the entrance to the synagogue. Again, don't sweat it. If you miss it, some one will probably give it to him. You will not be expected to participate in the service. At the reception, normally the kids sit separately from the adults. Whenevery I've gone to a Bar/Bat Mitzvah, I've only given a cash gift. It't easier and the kids seem to appreciate that more. Typically, unless you know exactly what the girl/boy wants, it's difficult. It's a new experience! It should be fun! |
I'm not exactly an expert, since I've only been to 2 (brothers) - but I had no idea what to expect the first time. This may vary by region as well as whether they are orthodox, etc. - I don't know. However, we went to the serivce itself and the boy and his family were very pleased that we did. There were a few other non-Jews there (mostly school friends of the boy), but most just went to the party. The greeters at the temple gave my sons yarmuckles to wear and showed them how to put them on. You do not have to do anything during the service, which is fairly long. I think we gave the boys $50 (Florida west coast). your best bet might be to call the boy's parents and ask about the service. Hope this helps.
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My sons attended several Bat/Bar Mitzvahs growing up. They attended both the service and the celebration. I loved the fact they were able to experience both the religious and cultural significance of the occasion.
As for the monetary gift... I seem to recall something about the number "7" (or was it six?) - or a multiple of the number. This is for good luck, I believe. Can anyone shed some more light on this? |
Sher, depending on the synagogue, your son may be in men's section, you - in women's if this is an orthodox synagogue.
Yes, you will go to the actual ceremony - the boy and probably the members of his family will be called to read the appropriate portion of the Torah, and you will be at a regular Saturday service. You may be required to stand when everybody else is standing - some prayers are recited seated, some standing, same rule for everybody, unless disabled. Your son may be required to cover his head. Depends on the synagogue, not a requirement in reform. There is no law to wear a certain kippah, so it may be a baseball-type cap, no signs on it, please! It all depends on the synagogue. Some have light refreshments after the service, some a full sit-down dinner. Oh, by the way, don't worry if you're running a little late, it's not a movie, they won't close the doors. Yes, cash is appropriate. And maybe a card if he wants to keep as a memento. You haven't asked about attire... I assume you know not to wear jeans? And in an orthodox synagogue women wear modest dresses or skirts to cover the knees, boys will be formally (more or less) dressed. SeeTheWorld, I never heard of #7 in Judaism except that "on the 7th day he rested". Usually a money gift or a donation is proportionate to 18. Interesting! |
Baseball-type cap Faina? Please tell me you're not serious.
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Esm, I live in San Francisco. Does this explain :)
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LOL Faina. I have to confess I've never seen anyone at Bar/Bat Mitzvah in a baseball cap! I hope Sher's son wears the caps provided. But maybe it is in SF!
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You've been given excellent advice. The only thing I will add is that if this is a conservative or orthodox service, you may find that in addition to having the males wear yarmulkes, most or all of the women may also be wearing a head covering. Not to worry, since this should also be provided to you. Usually there is a basket of round lacey doilies that the women just pin on the back of their heads with a safety pin. They're usually placed right next to the yarmulkes.
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I have to agree with Esm... no baseball caps! I should also mention that even in Reform synogogues men and boys can be required to wear the traditional cap.
On the subject of clothing, it's true that jeans are not appropriate (in almost every synogogue). To make you feel better, sher11, I'm Jewish and this past Easter Sunday I attended Mass at a Catholic church with my friend... it was a nice experience. And what I really loved was that I could go dressed very casually (nice jeans, etc.), which seems to be the norm here (I live in South Florida, where a lot of stuff is casual). I wish more synogogues would relax with that, the way many churches have. It's so much more comfortable. |
If you are in a synagogue where woman have their head's covered, you will be supplied bobby pins, not safety pins--ouch! LOL
I've had friends who worried about the same things as you did. I told them to just follow the crowd. When in Rome.... |
I agree with everyone else to relax and enjoy. Just follow the directions by the rabbi and do what ever everyone else does. That's what I do at Catholic ceremonies.
I too agree with no baseball caps. The only thing that I did not see others write is that it is customary for women to have their shoulders covered (especially in Conservative and Orthodox synagoges). A strapless or thin strapped dress is fine, just pair it with a shall, even a sheer shall is ok. |
Oh my! I can't believe I wrote "safety pin" when I meant to write "bobby pin!" Thank you for pointing that out!
I guess it's the end of week and I'm punchy. How's that for an excuse? Please forgive my idiocy. |
Note that the teenaged girls in the Bar Mitzvah boy's class (assuming reform or conservative here) will dress as 13 YO girls dress. Oy.
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Faina, you are probably correct. It's some number, really all I can remember.
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Regarding gift - cash. And there was the time 7 years ago when our son and his classmates decided to pool the cash their parents had carefully placed in dignified and appropriate cards - to buy the Bar Mitzvah kid a much-wanted and parent disapproved Nintendo game system. (His parents let him keep it)
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Tell you son that when they ask if anyone wants to participate in the bris, to keep his seat . . . |
All I can tell you is that when I was a teen and went to a friend's Bar Mitzvah (my first time inside a Synagoge) I was so overwhelmed with it all, I begged for months for my parents to allow me to convert. It was so much more inspirational than any of our mundane Protestant services.
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Wow! I am overwhelmed by the responses. Thank you all for your information.
Just to answer some of your questions--I looked up the Synagogue and it says that it is a Modern Dynamic Orthodox Synagogue. Also, the ceremony and party will be in Toronto however the family are New York natives |
The important part of the service will be when the boy reads from the Torah. This may be an hour or more from the start of the service.
<i>If you don't want to,</i> you don't have to be there from the beginning. Find out when the reading will be, and aim to come there 10-15 mintues beforehand. Or find out when other friends are coming. Your major action will be to follow the others and sit when they sit, stand when they stand. And wow the parents by saying after, "mazel tov". Tell us how it turned out. ((F)) |
Since this will be at a Modern Orthodox synogogue, they might seat the men and women separately... I don't know how things are done in Modern orthodox... perhaps another poster might be able to shed some light on the differences between this and the very strict traditional Orthodox. The Orthodox denomination might be considered to be the most "observant" or that with the strictest adherence to Jewish laws and customs.
Anyway, I just wanted to mention that this might be a possibility so you're not surprised. Another possibility is that the service might be longer. I-) |
What no one has commented on is YOU being invited to your son's friend's Bar Mitzvah. Unless you are also friendly with the parents, it's not at all typical for parents of the kids invited to also go. So I wonder if the parents of the other kids were alos invited or???
In NY, Bar Mitzvah's have gotten so elaborate they're often as expensive as a wedding (and sometimes more than many weddings). So it would be helpful to know how affluent the family/area is and exactly what the invitation says. Is there a party in the evening? Or is it just the temple service and kiddush lunch after? That will help determine gift too. I just happen to be looking for something else and noticed NY Magazine's suggestion for the ultimate Bar Mitzvah gift is a gift certificate for a pair of personalized Nike sneakers. Maybe he could go in with some other kids for a gift? |
I know about chai, double chai, even triple chai...but it that enough for a Bar Mitzvah in an affluent section of Southern California (parents are very non-materialistic and laid back). Both the ceremony and evening reception are in the Temple. I thought the cash gifts to the Bar Mitzvah Boy would or should be more. Especially if 2 people are going. Any comments?
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Sparkerlaw, I can only speak on my experience in the NY metropolitan area, but I've always found the reference to gifting "double chai" only pertains to the gift from one of the invited 13 year old friends.
If, on the other hand, you are an adult couple who are invited as friends of the parents, that is a different situation. Around here, some people treat it the same as they would a wedding (since as mclaurie pointed out, many of the receptions are just as elaborate!). I'm certainly not advocating that, but would suggest that you consider more than $36 for two adults. |
Thank you Judy24 for your clarification. I certainly agree that what's true in NY would be true in California as well.
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Yes sparkerlaw, I agree. When I had originally mentioned the idea of double or triple chai in an early post here, I was thinking about that as being a possible gift from the friend of the Bar Mitzvah boy. I do agree that often people do treat the gift as if they were attending a wedding (for two people going, etc.) Good point.
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Oops, I meant to address that to Judy24 as well.
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Gee, Carol, I passed right over your gift explanation. I knew it was a multiple of some number!
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The reason the word "Chai," which means "Life," (as in "To life, to life, lechaim,") has the numerical value of "18," is that it is made of two Hebrew letters, "Chet" which is the 8th letter of the alphabet, and "yud" which is the 10th. Add them up and you get 18. So, in Jewish mysticism this number is symbolic of life and is lucky. Consquently, people sometimes give gifts of money in $18 increments. This is actually quite commonly done, even among people who don't believe in mysticism. It's tradition (as in "Tradition! Tradition!").
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Just a note to answer a few more of your questions.
--You bring up a good point regarding my invitation--I believe it is only for my son and I planned on attending the service so my son won't feel out of place by himself, but not the after party --the invitation is for the service and a party on the next day "elegant attire" was notated (P.S. DOES THIS MEAN A SUIT FOR A 13 YEAR OLD BOY OR IS SHIRT AND TIRE O.K?) Thank you for all of your information--I think we'll be comfortable knowing what to expect |
Sher, in one of earlier replies, someone said you didn't have to be at the service right from the begining. I respectfully disagree. While some members of a congregation "show up" after the start, they know how long services take and the order of service so they are able to time it. Therefore, you and your son would feel uncomfortable joining in after the start.
I don't think you have any reason to worry that your son will feel out of plance. Usually, the friends sit together - often a reserved row - same for dinner/luncheon seating arrangements. As for clothes, Elegant is somewhat vague becuse it is subjective. I think nice pants and a shirt should be fine. A tie would make it more formal. I have seen plenty with just shirt and khakis. |
Hey Rich,
Even this Goy knows the bris was performed 14 years ago. ((Y)) |
Since it's an Orthodox temple, men and women may not sit together so your going to the service so he won't feel strange may be a moot point. Also, unless your son doesn't know another living soul besides the Bar Mitzvah boy, he might feel more strange sitting (or not) with his Mom than sitting alone. I'm out of the loop on teen attire to these things and it is somewhat dependent on time of day, but to me elegant attire would include a jacket whether a sports jacket or a suit. But why not have your son call and ask some of these questions? I'm assuming he was invited b/c he's friendly with the Bar Mitzvah boy? He should ask about both the dress and whether you and he will be able to sit together or not.
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Since you say this is a modern Orthodox synagogue, there is a possibility both men and women will sit together.
The service will likely start at 8:30 or 9:00. The Second part of the service, when the Torah is brought out and the Bar Mitzvah boy really goes to work, likely will start around 10 or later. Personally, I doubt if many guests will show up much before 10; as the service will likely conclude around 12:30.... The head covering your son will wear is not a religious object; it is merely a head covering showing respect while in a house of worship... |
Just to clarify, if the synagogue identifies itself as "modern orthodox", men and women will NOT sit together during the synagogue service. They most likely would during any meal or party afterwards. So you would not be sitting with your son during the part you had planned to attend. I'm sure he'll be fine with friends!
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If the invite reads "elegant attire" I would send your son in a suit.
I've attended some very dressy bar/bat mizvahs and sans jacket might look out of place. Also, I really think it depends upon which part of the country and which time of year. My mother always sends cash and a small gift. |
My thoughts:
Recently went to a Bar Mitzvah where the theme was Harley Davidson and the keepahs (head covering) had H/D insignia on them. My guess is the ceremony you are going to will be reformed or conservative. Reformed will be more in English so you can follow alomg better. Essentially, you just need to sit and listen or day dream. You won't need to participate, although you should stand when others are asked to stand. If it is reformed your son needs not wear a head covering. The party is like anyother party. Depending upon the social strata (wealth) of the family will dictate how elaborate or ridiculous the party will be. Exp: I have seen where the center pieces were food items and cangoods which were donated thereafter to a local food kitchen and I have seen intricae displays of musical instruments where the bar mitzvah boy was a musician. You can sit at your table or dance or drink as you pleae. There is a dance (called the Hora that is sort of like a revolving conga line. It is generaly fun. As far as the gift. You give what you can afford. If you can afford it figure about $100 to $150 for a couple, |
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