to travel or settle down?
 

I'm in my early 30s and having just finished another contracted role at home (in London) about 6 weeks ago I'm out of work now. I've been in this position many times before. Right now I'm trying to make a decision whether to stay in London and keep looking for work or go to a part of the world for 2-3 months that's been on my heart and mind (S America).

Having had four interviews in the past 6 weeks, all of which I felt I did well in but still no success for my effort despite coming very close to getting one of them (the one role I was very keen on). So I could just stay here and keep looking for work but to be honest my confidence is dented a bit after these setbacks. I feel I'm not as motivated as well after 4 interviews that haven't been successful. This month has been a washout as I've spent the majority of my time researching S America! Maybe that's why I've seen it as a sign that I need to do this trip to re-energize myself and have a break from this place.

Why I'm hesitating though is because I'm afraid to have another break without working. At this age and stage of my life the feeling that I need to settle down with a permanent job/career, family etc. is pretty intense. Yet I have none of those things, no responsibilities as such so in a way, I'm free to do as I please. But here's the thing - I DO WANT those responsibilities but life for various reasons that hasn't quite worked out for me in that way. Been unlucky with love, not successful with pursuing a career. So what more can I do? If I had something to come back to that would help along with a partner (who I thought I would have met by now).

Secondly, in addition to that concern, I'm also hesitant about travelling solo...for about the 100th time. Not for safety/security concerns but rather because I know how loneliness and solitude can cause me more harm than good. I've done some travels with others/friends but have been on far more trips on my own. It has been special in its own way and I've seen amazing places but at the same time, part of me is fed up with it too. I feel I'm at the age where I should be doing all this with a partner and yet the reality is I'm still alone. I've done enough self-reflection and analysis, people watching in cafes, sitting on hills admiring beautiful views. I want to experience all this with someone else. The ideal I guess for everyone is seeing the places of your dreams with the person of your dreams. Even so, another voice echoes inside me, encouraging me to still pursue my dreams, with or without anyone. Afterall I can manage 2-3 months. Any longer I think would be a real struggle.

I guess this was more of an inquiry into finding out whether there are other people in my age and stage of life and similar circumstances that feel the same??

I'm a lot older, but my advice is to forget the "shoulds".

And if you've spent most of the month reading about SA instead of treating the job hunt as a full time job, that's probably what you really want. The question is, can you afford it?

I'm older too and in a lot of instances in the same boat as you.

I say travel while you can. When (we have to stay positive, right!) you find that right person you may not be able to travel as much.

I know this will sound like a cliche but - you only live once. If you can afford it then go, experience SA. You won't regret it!

"And if you've spent most of the month reading about SA instead of treating the job hunt as a full time job, that's probably what you really want. The question is, can you afford it?"

I think you've summed it up right there. As I've spent more time thinking about it, it's the indication that that is what I want to do at the moment.
I can afford it, I've saved up enough having worked and lived at home so it's the ideal time to go.

I think you should just go for it if that's what you really want to do. You never know, you could meet the love of your life in SA!! As cassiectrin said 'you only live once'. Cherish the fact that you have the opportunity to go and travel- I would love to do this right now.

If you can afford it I would do it. I took early retirement in 2000 so I could travel before I got too decrepit. This year, for the first time, my health is preventing me from traveling. I am so glad I didn't wait until "retirement age"! (And accidents can happen at any age.)

Do what YOU want to do. Trick is figuring out which that is.

For me that would be solo travel. No question about it.

But YOU seem conflicted about the "need to settle down".

Do you really want to that? Or it's just that you think that's what people do, what is the norm, and expected of a person?

<The ideal I guess for everyone is seeing the places of your dreams with the person of your dreams.>

No that is NOT the "ideal for everyone". You are buying into a lot of stereotypes and expectations.

You don't have to do that.

Go to a place where you can find a guy you want to return to ;-)

<I've saved up enough having worked and lived at home so it's the ideal time to go.>

There's your answer!

Why not travel with an eye on what you could see/do that might help you when you return? "Purposeful" travel is a great way to overcome the "shoulda woulda coulda" blues.

- Visit South America but focus on your career field/goals to see if it's done differently there. We don't know what your field is, but it probably exists on both sides of the Atlantic and equator. Anything you could learn?

- Sign up for an immersive Spanish language course. I can't think of a field where being multi-lingual is a drawback.

- Do you have any hobbies or passions? If so, look for travel opportunities with like-minded people. Photography? Wildlife? Cooking? Mountaineering?

And be mindful that 2 or 3 months in the scheme of things is peanuts.

Hi, thanks for your replies. So I guess most of you are saying I should just go for it.

I guess I'm just concerned with my work prospects in general as I'm not really in a particular field. I don't really have a career as such as I've only done contract work/temp jobs. As I said I was ready to settle back into work full time and commit to it but I wasn't successful with those interviews and now I'm back at square one I feel. I'm thinking maybe I need to re-train in something else? Just not sure what that would be though and I feel 33 is pretty old now.

In addition, my parents aren't too pleased either and essentially trying their best to put me off going, emphasising the importance of finding work, fearing that I might be in trouble in years to come if I don't have some stability and of course mentioning how I might get my bag spiked with drugs.

You are too old to be letting your parents influence your decisions like that.

That said, it *does* sound like you might need to get more education or training so you are more easily employable since you can't seem to land a job. At 33 you likely have MANY more years to work, so you might as well get yourself situated to be able to better support yourself in the long run.


<mentioning how I might get my bag spiked with drugs>

Oh please! You really believe that is going to happen? That's truly a concern of yours?


You don't have to go to South American for 3 months OR just stay home. There are about a million possibilities in between those two ideas.

Take an easier trip if everyone (you and your parents) are so afraid. Go to Paris for a few weeks and get your travel chops down so you are more confident. Fly to the Caribbean and lay on a beach for 10 days. Spain? Greece? Those are all easy things to do that don't require any experience or particular savvy.

Thanks for your reply.
Oh yes you're right, they've been like this for years. They said the same thing before I went to SE Asia. They've always been paranoid, over-protective and controlling especially my father. One thing at 17 but at 33, it's kind of embarrassing. He needs to let go but the co-dependency is too strong. I'm finally standing up to it now. So whatever.

What bothers me though is how this will harm my future job prospects. I need to become qualified in something, just not sure what though. I've been out of work now 2 months so can another 2 months make a difference? I'm weary though the longer the gap, the more difficult it can be. S America is my choice because I've always wanted to explore countries like Peru and Bolivia, improve my Spanish.

Some wise person once said, 'You can be the architect of change or the victim of change, what is certain is that change will occur.'

You can find all kinds of links to articles using that basic idea and relating it to all kinds of things in life.

So here you are at 33 having spent your adult life so far pursuing no career path and interspersing periods of work with periods of travel. So far, you have allowed yourself to be a victim of change, always taking the path of least resistance. Right now, going to SA to travel is the path of least resistance. Particularly if you are feeling discouraged about your job prospects. Some people go through their entire life being a 'victim of change'.

But here's the good news. YOU are asking yourself questions. YOU have recognized something is not going as you would like it to go and something is missing. Most people never even ask themselves those questions!

You now have a choice you can make. I believe that everyone has until their early/mid 30s to do as they please. But somewhere in our 30s, we either make a conscious choice to take control of our life or we do as the majority do and let that opportunity slip past and remain a victim of change.

I had my own 'epiphany' at age 35. I realized that I did not want to work till retirement age and then drop dead on a golf course perhaps 2 years later. I wanted to be free to travel and enjoy life AND not have to work for a living. So I asked myself how I could achieve that AND state. The answer of course was not to run off to SA for a few months.

Instead, I sat down and figured out how much income I would need to live my life in the way I wanted to live it. Then I figured out how much capital would I need and how would I need to invest it, to insure I could generate the income I needed and not have to work ever again. Then I figured out how I would amass that capital in a acceptable period of time (I decided 10 years was the maximum acceptable period of time). Then I asked myself what kind of work for pay would get me that amount in that time. In other words, I came up with a plan for financial independence. I then worked to that plan until I achieved the goal. I did it in 7 years.

Everyone's path and goal is different. You have to decide what your goal is and what path will get you there. You hear people say that 'you can be anything you want to be'. That statement is both true and false. Not everyone can be an Olympic gold medalist no matter how much that is what they want to be. It takes certain things to be true to start out with. The basic skills/aptitudes etc. in place to start with and then the one thing people hate, having to work to achieve it.

So first, the goal must actually be achievable given your basic skills/aptitudes and then it's doing the work required to achieve that goal. That's what separates the architect from the victim of change.

So now you have asked yourself the question which really is, 'where is my life going and what am I going to do about it?' That is as I said the good news. It is also the bad news in that if you don't decide to take control of your life, you have to realize that a 'non-decision' is in fact a decision. It is a decision to be a victim of change.

You could be me at 33. Here is another perspective.

I spent my 20s and 30's (and beyond) travelling and drifting with the wind. I have wonderful memories, but meanwhile my friends were studying, pursuing their passions to become doctors, nurses, artists, social workers or scientists. As for me, every time I was faced with anything hard, I'd take off for someplace new.

If I could go back and do it again, I would find my passion, study hard and make it my career. Working at dull jobs just to make a living isn't that appealing when you're older.

Thirty-three is in no way "too old" to re-train to do something that inspires you.

You mention that you could afford to travel partly because you'd been "living at home," and wrote:

<my parents aren't too pleased either and essentially trying their best to put me off going, emphasising the importance of finding work, fearing that I might be in trouble in years to come if I don't have some stability.......>

Is it possible that your parents are hoping for an empty next, and a fledgling has made a nest of its own? They must love you very much, and want fulfillment for you.

It sounds to me as if you're ready for something more than the travelling you've been doing. Sure, never give up your dreams! But "carpe diem" can also mean finding what you really want to give to the world, and getting the education to pursue that.

Dogeared and Gardyloo have excellent advice.

2 months or 4 months is not going to make a difference. I do think you need to get more education or training or something so you can get steady employment.

I don't see any reason you can't take this one trip before doing that though. I think the dynamics with your parents is a bigger hurdle you need to get under control.

After your trip, maybe you could move away from London? Go to school somewhere else? Win/win... get training for a specific job (only you can figure out what makes sense there for you) and cut the apron strings.

33 is not too old to train for something that "inspired you" or from my point of view find a field with a high need and decent pay and train for that.

This has been one of the more intriguing posts I've come across in a long while. It seems a lot of us have wrestled with the same question. Dogeared's response stayed with me the longest for a number of reasons, one being the admirable amount of fortitude required to see the plan through.

An interesting choice of word Femi. I never thought of myself as having to have fortitude to achieve my goal. I would say I just thought of it as having focus. There really wasn't anything difficult about it.

I think though that it is something like I once read about entrepreneurs. They simply don't see problems in the same way as most people. A problem that most might see as a roadblock, they see simply as a small bump to either drive over or around.

"But what sets successful problem-solving entrepreneurs apart is that they often see problems as little more than another item to be checked off the list."
https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/238679

I didn't achieve my goal through entrepreneurship, but I think my thinking process was much the same. Part of that was going from an 'either/or' way of thinking to an 'and' way of thinking.

So, not 'should I travel OR settle down to work and earn money?' to 'how can I be free to travel AND not have to work to earn money?' That starts you down a whole different path.

If you CAN'T see a roadblock, it doesn't exist. Simple as that. So it doesn't require fortitude, it requires an attitude.

Some psychanalists here.

So OP, here my advice : you can be dead next week, next year, so if you feel like you need a break or would welcome a break just do it.
2 months is nothing.

After that you may want - or not - to chznge your life, get another education, job whatever. Ask your parents, they are probably over-protective but they know you better than we do, don't they ?

You can also spend a fortune on psychanalysis, something I cannot comment on, being a good European, these things are quite foreign to me and most people I know.

Is there a french word for entrepreneur ?

Dogeared-I actually broached this subject with a friend today, and it was funny to hear the response on various ways in which I could have chosen to be free of the 9-5 grind. Could have, but didn't. It was interesting to realize that my chosen path was the one that potentially offers a little more material comfort and security, and so I must pay the price.

I didn't find the entrepreneur analogy too helpful, because as in so many situations which involve people, similar efforts under seemingly similar circumstances may end up with very different results (due to differences in vision, etc). For every success in any profession, there's no lack of the opposite.

The very necessary focus you describe to achieve your goal is what I called fortitude :) It's also what the OP will have to put forth (as have I) to achieve his/her heart's desire once that is finally determined.

There is no reason this person can't: travel now, get more education or training or find a job after the trip, and settle down.... or not. They are not mutually exclusive.

"While it’s tempting to play it safe, the more we’re willing to risk, the more alive we are. In the end, what we regret most are the chances we never took."

I don't think that is necessarily true. I have a friend who didn't work much, took chances, did things that interested her, and now she is retired with no money. It's a scary situation to see someone in.

OP here...So I want to thank everyone for sharing their thoughts. I didn't expect such a varied, interesting responses so, appreciate that.

I have news...I booked!

It was getting to the point where I felt that I just need to make a decision so I went ahead and booked a return ticket for just over 2 months. Not that long so I've got over that now.

I'm now in a slightly strange phase where I'm sensing whether or not I'm going to get bored within that period, whilst worrying about crazy bus drivers and how tough Bolivia might be to travel. Anyway, I am planning to spend at least a month in Cusco so I do need to find something I can do there, a voluntary role so I can be somewhat productive. You see, I don't get how some people manage to go backpacking for 7-8 months or longer with no real plan or purpose other than travel. It seems so long to spend without a set routine at least for some of the time.

However, I am still feeling that slight guilty / uneasy feeling of "should I really be doing this at this age?"

Sure, maybe early 30s is not too old to make a change and start over (in terms of work/career) as some of you have noted, however like you say suze, I don't want to take too many chances like your friend. No-one wants to end up in a situation where you can't support yourself. Truly, I do want to settle down and create a future for myself. I want a partner, family and just a sense of direction and stability. Travel will always be a huge part of that but I do feel a sense that I need to work. I am feeling the need now to re-train and gain extra qualifications (as some of you have suggested) but just have no idea what that would be in. I am thinking of spending some money on seeing a career coach when I'm back (they are expensive though!).

I do want to enjoy this trip, improve my Spanish, volunteer hopefully and just reflect on what I want to do with my life. I just hope I won't feel guilt or listen to the voice in my head that keeps telling me "you're unemployed with no plan, you shouldn't be travelling in your situation."

Volunteering is not always that useful. If you want to do something productive, enroll in Spanish school, perhaps one of the full immersion outfits where you stay with a local family. If you post on the South America board someone is likely to have pointers.

Tell the voice that you are gaining useful experience in navigating foreign countries, which you can sell in a job interview.

I agree that 2 months won't change anything. However, the question then is how many times will someone say, 'it's only 2 months'. Some people are quite capable of avoiding making a decision, forever.

Woinparis, I always laugh when people trot out the 'you could be hit by a bus tomorrow' (or 'dead next week' as you phrased it). That is one of the most unsupportable reasons man has ever come up with to justify something.

If you are going to use DYING and 'what if you die' as a criteria in making a decision about something, then you must follow through with that reasoning. That means you have to counterbalance that with 'what if you DON'T die?' And guess what, the balance always falls on the don't die side of the scale. You are far more likely to NOT get hit by a bus tomorrow. Using dying as a criteria to justify something only works if you DIE. It works when you know you have say terminal cancer and only 6 months to live. In that case, go for whatever you want!

Crellston, whoever you are quoting, was paraphrasing a well known quote by Mark Twain which is often used in travel forums to justify packing in a job and going travelling.

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” – Mark Twain

However, like anything else, it is subject to interpretation and people will interpret it the way they WANT to. Mark Twain was not suggesting that people take stupid risks or act irresponsibly in any way. He was simply saying don't be afraid to take a chance on something if you think it has a reasonable chance of success and will advance you towards your goals. He was not saying, quit your job and don't worry about tomorrow.

What's more, I for one disagree with his suggestion that you will regret what you did not do. It is in fact impossible to regret something you didn't do. You can only regret something you did do. Think about it. People may often say, 'I regret I didn't do B.' But in fact, what they actually regret is having done A.

Shortermnomad, 2 months will not change your life. I see no problem with you going, as long as you realize all you are doing is avoiding the decision of what to do with the rest of your life. As I wrote, some people avoid ever making an actual decision about that, they just let change happen to them. Not all regret that in later life, some do as suze has indicated regarding her friend.

Remember, making no decision is in fact making a decision. A decision to be a victim of change rather than the architect of change in your own life. It's entirely up to you.

What I hear the voice in your head telling you is that you are smart enough to know something is wrong. Now the only question is, are you smart enough to do something about it.

<I am still feeling that slight guilty / uneasy feeling of "should I really be doing this at this age?">

<the voice in my head that keeps telling me "you're unemployed with no plan, you shouldn't be travelling in your situation.">

You need self confidence. Hopefully taking this trip will help you overcome all the self-doubt.

Try to stop second guessing yourself every step of the way. You booked the ticket, why can't you just trust yourself and start planning the trip? Encourage and support your own decisions!

And fergoodnessake please stop worrying about you "age". 33 is hardly on your way to the old age home.

I would not do the volunteer thing unless you have a specific passion for something in particular. I wouldn't do it just to fill up your days.

It would benefit you much more to (as already suggested) take a language intensive, do a home stay, or a cooking class.



<just reflect on what I want to do with my life>

I always think I'm going to do this on a trip, but once I get going it NEVER happens, because I'm too busy traveling, having new experiences, enjoying each day unfold.

I'm guessing dogeared is male.

Dogeared owns a yacht in the Bahamas. Managed a bar on Rhodes. And lives in a garret in Toronto. And only travels via Google.

Dogeared - I am impressed that you claim to know the what was in Twain's mind when he wrote those words! I lifted my quotation from a far less exalted source -Kelsey Grammer's final words in the last episode of Frazier.

I was not using that quotation to justify anything, merely to point out a fact that many people fee this way at some point in their lives, regardless of what decisions they make.

In the context of this thread, the quote could just as easily be used as justification NOT to travel. i.e. Stick are ou do and seek more interviews.

Your assertion that "it is impossible to regret something you didn't do is clearly, just wrong. Many, if not most people will regret not doing something or taking chances at some point in their lives. I know I do, and I doubt I am the only one.

Shortermnomad - great to see you have made a decision. South America is an incredible continent in which to travel. There is a huge amount to see and do so start planning now! For detailed planning, do click on the forums drop down above and go to the South American forum to ask specific questions and I am sure you will get lots of answers.

A word re volunteering- Thursdaysd speaks wise words on the subject. Short term volunteering generally does more harm than good. I agree, if you want to improve your Spanish , look for some Spanish immersion programmes. We did a month studying with a school in Cusco which was run by an NGO who employed unmarried mothers ( ostracised in Peruvian society) as teachers. Again ask all the questions you want on the SA forum.

So...I am actually leaving rather soon, 11 days to be precise! Flying into Lima and working my way all the way down to Santiago. I thought as I'm not working and have no other plans, why wait until later and increase my period of unemployment even further which will make me more unsettled. Flights were reasonable so I thought I'd go for it. I have done plenty of planning already, been spending most of my time doing it and nothing else. As I said SA is a place I've wanted to visit for many years and 2 years ago infact I did some initial planning but decided to go to Japan instead.

Anyway, some further interesting thoughts. I do think we can regret what we haven't done in the same light of regretting things we have. I usually hate cliches but the one cliche that life is too short does resonate. I think how my 30s are already flashing by and now I'm almost in my mid 30s!

When I look back on my 33 years already I can genuinely say that my most memorable moments in life have been the travel experiences I've had...because I guess, sadly in a way, it's all I have. You see if I asked others they might say when they got married, the day their children were born, owning their first home, getting that dream job/promotion. I've never had any of these things and that's not my choice because I DO want those things, of course, but alot of the time those same things are not always in your control. As much as I would like to settle down with a partner that I love (and travel with / have a family with), secure a decent job, home etc. it hasn't happened for me. So what's there left for me to do? I guess do the one thing that I have always been passionate about -
something I can control.

Wishing you well on your adventure! When you get back, instead of having an unexplained gap in your resume, you can list ‘international travel’. Can’t see how that will harm your job prospects. Good luck!

Thanks. Well I think I need to focus just on what I want to do long term but I've never had much idea to begin with so not sure if this trip is going to answer that question really. Almost 8 years ago I went round SE Asia for about 6-7 weeks thinking I might have this epiphany - didn't happen.

Crellston and thursday, why do you say that short term volunteering i.e. a few weeks is not really worth it? Just curious because if you advise against it then I will think about changing my return date.
I've booked Spanish classes in Arequipa (cheaper than Cusco) but I have ample time in Cusco to do something else.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/leila-...b_1676091.html

https://thinkingbeyondborders.org/pl...your-gap-year/

https://www.theguardian.com/commenti...lidays-madonna

Crellston, while the quote is attributed to Mark Twain, it is in fact questionable whether he ever said it or not. It is not found in any of his written works.

But the meaning is quite clear. People tend towards the safe and secure. But it is when we take risks that the greatest benefits are derived. However, that doesn't mean taking stupid risks, it means taking reasonable risks.

It also doesn't justify running away from anything, as in, 'I'll decide later what to do with my life and for right now, I'll go travel.' Many people interpret it as justifying that when in fact it does not at all.

I agree that it could in this case mean just the opposite for the OP. Instead of the OP doing the easy, familiar and SAFE thing which is to go travel, the alternative would be to take a risk and try starting to take control of her life.

That is where the risk is, in having to come up with a goal and work towards it without knowing if it will be achieved or not.

Shorttermnomad you wrote, "I guess do the one thing that I have always been passionate about -
something I can control."

That's the easy answer. Do what I've always done before.

You also wrote," I've never had any of these things and that's not my choice because I DO want those things, of course, but alot of the time those same things are not always in your control. As much as I would like to settle down with a partner that I love (and travel with / have a family with), secure a decent job, home etc. it hasn't happened for me."

There is only one word in all of that you need to think about. The word is 'happened'. If you wait for it to 'happen', guess what that makes you, a victim of change and not the architect of change.

I'm not trying to beat you up here or anything but you are asking yourself questions and so I think it is worth taking the time to answer those questions for yourself. But to do that, you have to understand how what you write indicates how you think. If you expect it to just 'happen to you', you've made a choice to not control what happens to you.

Most people take the easy path which is to simply let things 'happen' to them. They never even ask themselves any questions and they never realize that they let things happen rather than making things happen.

You write, "Well I think I need to focus just on what I want to do long term but I've never had much idea to begin with so not sure if this trip is going to answer that question really."

Well I can tell you now that this trip will not answer that question for you. A trip can't answer anything. Only YOU can answer that question and only by sitting down and making yourself work out an answer. You can do that anywhere as in where you are right now. It just isn't easy to do. Going travelling again is much easier to do isn't it.

I hear what you're saying and understand. My remarks may indicate that I'm waiting for life to happen, as you've implied.
What I'm saying is that there are things in this life that we cannot control, like, love for example. Practically speaking, say you want to find love and a partner, you can go out every night, join every dating site etc. hoping to meet someone but that does not necessarily mean you will. Or like me (as described in my OP), you keep applying for work and jobs that are suitable but for reasons you can't control you aren't successful...

BUT you have tried, you are making things happen, you are doing what YOU can do. So I guess that's why it took me so long to decide to go on this trip. I was thinking I should keep persevering to figure out my future but the more I thought about it the more disheartened I became. So I thought maybe this trip might not give me the answer to that question, but perhaps it will give me a lift and boost my motivation for when I return home to try again.

Just take your trip!!!!

and don't expect an epiphany that will solve your future life plans.

With 11 days to go, I'd let this post rest.

Start your trip planning in greater detail. Start packing. Get everything in order for your funds, paperwork, etc.

If you don't know what you're doing once you arrive, buy a hard-copy or download a guidebook and read it on the plane ride to SA.

¡buena suerte!

Dogeared: Nice job on another well thought out response.

<Woinparis, I always laugh when people trot out the 'you could be hit by a bus tomorrow' (or 'dead next week' as you phrased it). That is one of the most unsupportable reasons man has ever come up with to justify something.>

Well, laugh mate.

I was last month with old friends. Their daughter was killed in a car crash last year aged 22.
I also was a volunteer in a pediatric oncology department. You want the list of the kids I knew and who died, and their age at death ?

So I cannot be bothered to change other people's life. Not my job, and not sure I would do it in a great way. Apparently you have decided you can do it. Great for you. Everybody does what he/she wants/can with his/her life. And can get helped by close friends/family/psysomething.

Who am I to tell a perfect stranger how to lead his life ?

But you're welcome to laugh. It just rings hollow in my ears. Like in a cemetery.