ahmedhaff-

I am truly ROTFL! Especially at the kicker line: "the smirking One Who Is Always Right" - so true!

Thank you for the laughts and the info about the B&B and, now, please continue.

Thanks all - you are much too kind.


As I was waking up the next morning, I discovered that the merrymaking of last night at the hotel bar had manifested itself in the form of a splitting headache. I quickly weighed up the options of pretending I was fine, versus declaring the truth, hearing a mouthful from The Wise One and in the process, getting her to drive. Reason won – “honey, I don’t feel too good”.

The beauty of staying at a hotel chain is that it transforms you. You will gratefully accept all manner of things at basic B&Bs and file them in the How Charming category. At a hotel chain, you have power. You tend to believe that the greater corporate will not stand for anything you don’t like and you can walk over their little people at will. I started the day (given my headache; I disagree with my wife’s allegation of hangover) needing lot’s of coffee. I immediately rejected the horrible sachets of Nescafe in the room, which I had been happily consuming at previous, less prestigious establishments and called up the reception and registered my displeasure. The voice at the other end thought I was still drunk. We had a little tiff, but there was no way she was sending a pot of freshly brewed coffee to the room. Room service had orders from the previous night that they were filing. Deeply hurt, distinctly feeling the inners of my head moving at a different pace from the rest of me, I countenanced the indignity of walking up to the excessively bright and sunny breakfast area to get my caffeine fix. I needed to live to fight another day.

I wanted a little time to undo my engineering of the GPS, which I did by looking for that wonderful Reset option. My crime hidden, I crept back to the room and adopted my look-at-me-I’m-so-sick veneer. You only get sympathy from the kids. Pure, unadulterated love. Blood is thicker than water.

Had breakfast, which was really good. You have to feed a “headache”. At check-out, the happy clappy people seemed just too nice. I know they were faking it.

Now demoted from Captain to passenger, I decided to add some life to the drive. Wife drives with a concentration that reminds me of people taking exams. For a few minutes, we all sang “glory, glory Man United”, led by me, the tenorr. Knock knock jokes didn’t elicit much enthusiasm either. Fine by me, I thought. And I went to sleep. Was woken by excited words to the effect that we had almost arrived.

We had booked ourselves at the Alton Towers hotel. This establishment perseveres in the firm belief that they, the providers of entertainment to children, must not care very much about adults. Kids are having a ball, who are you, dude? Huge queues, no one behind the counter in any particular hurry – we finally made it to our room. We had booked one of their themed rooms, the newly opened Tatty Teddy Room. I must admit it was fantastic. Beautifully hand painted and drawn, we all fell in love with it instantly. Even had one of those old telephones with a handheld mouthpiece and a separately held earpiece.

Changed and hit the water park in minutes. Not that huge a park, but mostly covered and with warm water. Very weather friendly. My headache having receded by now, we all had a great time at the park and were probably among the last to leave before it closed at around 8:00 PM. We all had a really wonderful time there. About the only gripe we had was that there wasn’t much to eat out there – just a little kiosk with sandwiches that ran out of ice cream – how can you run of ice cream in an amusement park?

We went to one the hotel restaurants for dinner – quite nice. There was the usual entertainment with a music band which we all enjoyed tremendously. Exhausted, we went up to the room and passed out.

And no one noticed I didn’t have any beer!

You have to appreciate that if I had managed to re-program the FM controls on the steering wheel for use on GPS controls as well - it would have been very cool.

Great report. On the GPS issue, I think your story is typical of the one that will replace the legend of the guy that won't stop and ask directions. In the future, the charicature will be of the guy that relies on his GPS when common sense tells him something is amiss.

GPS is great tool to use along with a map, but it's not a substitute. Lots of people are going to learn that the hard way.

Hi ahmedhaff,

We'd originally booked a half day cruise through Viator, which I had regretted soon after booking, so I was glad to get an email from them last week saying it was cancelled and they were refunding me. As soon as the refund came through I had us booked on the Jacobite tour, which is as hour on the water and an hour at Urquhart Castle. And much cheaper to boot! So I'm glad to hear you recommend them.

I can't wait to hear more of your trip report - I'm loving it!

Ahmed, great trip report. I've enjoyed "watching" you planning your trip, so it's great to get a report on the outcome. It's all very nicely put; and I'd like your wife's email address so I can find out how much of this you admitted to her:)

I have two personal questions which you should feel free to ignore- I'm just interested in the cultural stuff.

You "speak" perfect English with an American overtone. I know English is widely a first language amongst epople with certain backgrounds in Pakistan- but where did the American slant come from?

And did you meet any horridness based on your ethnicity? I'd like to think not, especially about Scotland, but it always worries me.

What a wonderful report! I know how much planning/thought you put into your itinerary (w/ some nudging from us :) )

I do have one suggestion for your next trip though - instead of a GPS (which will only tempt you to fiddle/fix again) - how about using a plain old map? No electronics, and no irritating voice (except maybe the lovely wife/navigator's while trying to explain which exit from the next roundabout)

Sheila : Thank you.

You were an immense help during our planning process and I am greatly indebted to you.

Over time, wives become like your mom in certain ways – they know everything. They may not talk about it, but they know.

I would like to blame Jay Leno for the American slant.

But seriously, over the past two decades or so, unless you keep yourself insulated from movies, TV and the media in general, it’s inevitable that you will pick some influence that will impact your communication. Additionally, the people with those “certain backgrounds” have been going to American universities more so than the ones in UK. My own profession has had me travel a fair bit as well and I have lived and worked in Australia for a few years. And much as Canadians like their identity to be as distinct from the Americans, their lifestyles and influences are significantly shaped by the US. In summary, I am a cocktail of influences from English speaking countries. Plus, I have a graduate degree in English Literature, which I never put to much use in a vocational sense – it was just something I wanted to do.

You raise an interesting question – for my part, I have never experienced racism, anywhere. I find that perpetually surprising, given the amount I travel on business and am constantly expecting for the law of averages to kick in any time. Clearly, the events of the past few years have had an impact in the way one thinks – during this trip, after I collected my car, I was waiting for the wife and kids to finish their movie, so I went into the Starbucks at the Trafford Center. I had the highway code and the big map book opened up and I was changing the chip in my cell phone – and it suddenly occurred to me that someone might report me as engaged in suspicious activities! It never happened, but like I said, my thoughts are no longer immune to such things.

All up, we had a wonderful time throughout our holiday. Everyone we interacted with was genuinely pleasant and not once did we feel or sense anything untoward.


Janisj : Thank you. You helped us so much during our planning stage, I should have brought you a present.

Your reaction to the GPS, is interesting. Any self respecting man, however, would now be secure in his belief he has mastered all there is to master about the device and fearlessly venture into it again.

What a delight as I pray for more rain in SE AZ and remember past journeys. Have you seen the sensational blog your wife has posted telling us intimate details about you? Hey--you did this with kids along--which is how it is done nowdays--I think I am glad to be old. Thanks for a great report.

The next day was consumed by the much bigger amusement park. We had fast passes to some of the rides, which was very useful, despite the fact that I felt a certain discomfort in being able to get ahead of the queues just because you’ve paid a bit extra for it – in amusement parks, everyone should be equal.

We had an absolutely fabulous time at the park. For my part, I generally seek my thrills from mystery novels and tinkering with electronics. Gut churning roller coasters are child’s play compared to that. So I never quite appreciate the “puck puck” sounds my kids make when I graciously offer to guard their belongings instead of accompanying them on such fruitless endeavors. There is a flawless beauty in gravity, as it holds us to the ground – you cannot experience such harmony in a free fall.

This park was to close at 6:00 PM so it was a bit of a race against time. About the only thing I didn’t like about the park was that there were some attractions you had to pay in cash for – although the amounts are small you feel a little cheated, if you are armed with the all access VIP, cut-the-lines pass, on which you have squandered your savings. The kids, of course, are indifferent to this and since the entire purpose of the venture is primarily focused on them, you do it. But it takes a little bit away from it all. I think Disney should manage all amusement parks in the world. They have got it right, completely.

After we had made sure that the park was properly closed and all rides shut, we dashed to take the last monorail back to the hotel. This time, we went to the Splash Landing hotel (which is adjacent to the Alton Towers hotel) for dinner. They had a massive buffet and it was a brilliant spread. The kids wanted to go to the singing entertainment, so we followed. This act, like the one on the previous night, was immaculately renditioned and we all enjoyed it. By the time we decided to head back to Tatty Teddy room, my 10 year old had fallen asleep and my ageing bones were put to test carrying him. I love him dearly, but he eats too much.


The next morning, we checked out of Alton Towers hotel and made our way to the Lake District.

I occupied my rightful place behind the steering wheel, made sure I was the one ruling the GPS and took off. A few winding roads, where the guy in front was sightseeing and kept at least 7 cars at his personal speed limit for a while, we were on the glorious M6. The kids’ exhaustion from the last 2 days at Alton Towers was evident and they promptly fell asleep. Stopped about half way for a bite (Burger King) and coffee.

I am normally very passionate about coffee and am constantly reminded of the global disservice Starbucks and its little clones have done to coffee of late. How difficult would it be for Sant’ Eustachio or Tazzo D’Oro to challenge the might of these false purveyors of dreams? It will happen one day. Truth will triumph. Meanwhile, fully charged by the double espresso look-alike, I drove on.

As soon as we turned for the South Lakes, the sheer beauty of the place began to reveal itself. As we drove on, it only got better and fairly soon the traffic began to slow down. Eventually reached our destination, the Wateredge Inn, at Waterhead, Amblside with ease. This was an excellent choice. The hotel is placed at the tip of Lake Windermere and is a superb enterprise. We were greeted by very pleasant and helpful staff, who checked us in, gave us a few pointers and led us to our room. The family room is in a small building detached from the main hotel and is very spacious, with windows that open into a little private garden. The view of the Lake from there is outstanding.

Throughout our stay, we encountered, by far the most pleasant, helpful and genuinely caring people who work at this hotel. I certainly got the sense that the owners have painstakingly employed the best staff and constantly ensure their interaction with guests is peerless. It is always a unique pleasure to encounter such a level of service from where you do not expect it.

It was about 5:00 PM by the time we got settled, so we decided to embark on a stroll. There is a park right next to the hotel, which we walked through and then on the sidewalk. The town center was about a 20 minute walk, which was very nice. Strolled around the (very small) area, stumbled upon an arts supplies store where my daughter (who expects her work to show up on the walls of Louvre anytime now), went all starry eyed and said “Daddy” in a tone only daughters know how to, which instantly conjures up the feeling of impending outflow of money. Daddys are incapable of saying no in these circumstances. They are willing parties and have no one to blame.

Daddys also get to carry the shopping bags. Nowadays, I don’t even get a laugh when ask my wife “don’t you guys want to be liberated anymore”? The nice (and now much richer) person at the arts store, recommended we go to a restaurant called Zefferelli’s down the road. It turned out to be fabulous, so I forgave the old woman.

It started to rain on our way back, but we were well protected by the rainwear – however, my precious was more interested in the safety of her millions of pencils. Could Daddy put them inside his jacket? Of course, honey. When you ask like that, I could fetch the moon and stars on the way back too. So daddy, assumed the shape of Santa that he is always accused having anyway and marched along back to the hotel. We all snuggled up and watched some TV – I knew all the answers (well…ok..most of them. I pretended I knew the rest) on who wants to be a millionaire and the kids were very impressed. Dozed off, mindful of the heaven that surrounded us and didn’t have a clue what we would be doing tomorrow…

Thanks for the response and the very nice way you dealt with my terribly indelicate questions.

Did you not discover the "Curry Mile" in Rusholme in Manchester.
Ah, yes daughters and their daddies!
Mine had her dad under the thumb from being an hour old.

Enjoying your report immensely! Please keep it coming. Any pictures?

There's no curry like the ones made back home. I don't even try them when I'm travelling!

I took heaps of pictures with my latest toy, a Nikon D80 - it's so beautiful, I cry with joy everytime I look at it.

I have to get around to reducing the image size before I upload them somewhere, where I can share them with others. Will get around to it in a day or two.

While on that topic, can anyone please suggest a site for that purpose? (I used to use kodak gallery, but for that I have to authorize viewing individually).

I use Flickr; I quite like the look of Picasa.

There's a thread about this on

http://www.fodors.com/forums/pgMessa...p;tid=35020822

As a viewer, I like the way Flickr is set up. Can't say for the putting your pictures there, but that is the one woward which I am leaning.

Wonderful trip report, ahmedhaff. I really enjoy your amusing narrative style! I'm getting geared up to write my own report for Maine and Nova Scotia, with the dreaded GPS helper :) I completely agree with your characterization! Yes, GPS is a great tool, but it is NOT a God, and you should not bequeath to it infallibility. We were on roads GPS insisted didn't exist, and GPS took us to roads that were gone (or never there). Once it almost had us drive off a cliff (seriously!)

Wonderful report - thanks for posting it!

I used Picasa for our England/Wales pictures; it's easy to use and navigate.

Lee Ann

There is no Launderette in Ambleside. The many people who informed us of this fact, did so almost universally with a tinge of sadness. I tried to get the scoop on this, but lips were sealed. Clean clothing, hence, provided a purpose for a first expedition to the lovely town of Windermere. A good many others also had the same idea, so we ended up spending a fair number of hours out there. It’s the dryers they make real money on. The wife and I were taking turns at feeding their insatiable appetite for coins and walking about town for coffee. We found a lovely café, where the waitresses were attempting to communicate with charming East European accents. They should try sign language.

Our apparel once again in an acceptable hygienic condition, we drove to Bowness. What a beautiful place. When we couldn’t see any signs of fast food, went into a lovely restaurant, where we had a great meal. Steaks, fish and mashed potatoes. With forks and knives. Ah, the joys of a minor victory over the burger people.

The House of Beatrix Potter is a joyful experience. We spent a bit of time there and the exit, of course, led to the strategically located shop. A bit base, I thought, for an exercise devoted to honoring a much revered author.

So we decided to devote the rest of the day to walking about aimlessly. Got tired of it after a while, given the excessive commercial flavor the town has and went back to the hotel. Strolling around the lake was much more fun. The park next to the hotel was perfect for that, so we spent the better part of the late afternoon there. Went back to the hotel and a meal at their restaurant. They have a lovely outdoor area, on the lake. The food was fantastic as was the choice of beer! Back at our room, watched some more TV and then I showed my tribe who really rules in Scrabble.

The blissful sleep that ensued could not have prepared us for the extreme sport we were about to engage in, the next morning. Given our relaxed state, I guess we un-wittingly took the no prior planning motive a bit far. We woke up, went to the reception and asked where we could rent bikes. The suggestion that we all liked, was to go to Grizedale forest. Not only very beautiful, but great biking trails and bike rentals. Sounded like a great idea, so off we went. A short drive and there we were. We got ourselves appropriate bikes and helmets and were recommended the Orange trail, the easiest of them all. Did not even bother to take a bottle of water with us. I guess I must have been thinking of my entire childhood spent on a bike – how hard could this be? It should be fun!

It took about 10 minutes, before I could no longer feel my legs. Lower legs, that is. I could feel my thighs all right, which distinctly felt as though there were a fire raging within. Masculinity is a huge burden, although my forced smile and I’m-having-the-time-of-my-life look, should have been enough to betray my inner pain. Pride, not will power, forced me to go on. As leader of my tribe, I must not display weakness. Another 10 minutes, as I was thinking of who to exclude from my will, small voices said “Daddy, how long is this trail”? Daddy didn’t have a clue. So Daddy lied. But Daddy was hoping his lie would miraculously come true “ Not long now honey, wait till we go downhill – that would be fun” We had to take a break. So we stopped. Now why don’t they put a #$%^&@*#% MacDonald’s here, I asked. Extra Large Coke for me. Make that 3.

We biked some more, now that I had cleverly raised hopes of a downhill all the way moment, around the corner. When it came, it brought smiles upon our faces, we let go with abandon and the wind swept our sorry faces, we screamed with joy. For about 10 seconds. We stopped and beheld the steep climb ahead. I was tempted to say “a penny for your thoughts”, but didn’t, fearing murder. So I sat down and rallied the rebels – gave them a speech about what an experience this is. They didn’t buy it, but a natural survival instinct told them they have to go on.

Twice, I thought I should call the in case of emergency number they gave us and send for rescue.

This tragedy lasted for about 2 or 3 hours. It took longer, because when the trail did become mostly downhill, the girls whizzed past and my son got a bit scared of the speed at which he was going downhill. So he held the brakes for dear life and we inched downhill. After a little while, he got used to it and we finally made it, a good 40 minutes after the girls. We drank lots of water, reflected on what we had put ourselves through and decided it wasn’t so bad after all.

After this, throughout the trip, whenever the kids saw anyone on a bike, they would go “you call this biking? Huh!”

Back at the hotel, we took turns in the bathtub. I, naturally, got the last turn.

For the next two days, we took it really easy. My legs were still smarting from the biking and I was in no shape for anything that did not fall into the leisurely category. Oh, how I missed my sweet leather armchair back home. However, that did not stop the evil ones from dragging me into kayaking on the lake. Well, ok, it was fun. Except the wet suit part. It’s heavy and brings the worst of nature on full display. My shapely contours are not designed for general voyeurism.

All up, we had a lovely time at the Lakes. But - London was calling.

This is a great report! I love your writing (and travelling) style :)