Traveling with my Husband - different interests
 

When I first met my husband he knew that I had travelled to many countries and had interest in seeing more of the world. He said he also had the travel bug. But now that we're married its hard to agree on a travel location because we have different interests.

I want to go back to Europe and see South America and experience the culture, food, country and etc. and he wants to travel to locations where it's cheap for him to drink on the beach.

In the last 4 years we have been to kata noi Phuket, Thailand 3 times (mainly for weddings) and Bali once and as much as I do love it there, I want to see more.

I don't want to go on holidays without him, we do enjoy being together away. But How do I interest him in seeing more? I want to go back to Europe (mainly Paris) but I need ideas on what could be of interest to him there that aren't culturally aimed.

<what could be of interest to him there that aren't culturally aimed.>

What are his usual interests? Any European city has their various sporting events, music concerts, beer and wine festivals, etc.

Will he compromise at least as much that if he gets to spend half the vacation doing what he wants, that you get to spend the other half doing what you want?

I would suggest Paris + Belgium if he is seriously interested in beer. If you go at the peak of summer, then he might be able to find a beach warm enough in Belgium to enjoy, but otherwise Belgium is mainly about being indoors.

Munich + Venice/Verona comes to mind.

Barcelona + San Sebastian (or Paris + San Sebastian)

If he'll be miserable unless it 24/7 low cost beach+beer, Greece is cheap, Portugal is cheap, much of coastal Spain is cheap, but be careful what you pick because there are zillions of tourists looking for the exact same thing as your husband, and if you don't want to be in a tacky scrum of cheap everything and nothing but foreign tourists, do some careful research (for Portugal and Greece too).

Low cost airlines make it possible to hop between two locations. High speed trains help too. Hope you have enough days to travel to make dividing up the days so both of you win possible.

my husband is a historian of sorts and being a 24 year Navy vet his loves military history the most so Europe is nirvana to him. I can only take so much so we split up and meet back later in the day. I got him to go to Musée Marmottan one day and the next we went to Hôtel National des Invalides. He hates shopping so do that on my own time. We both like exploring cemeteries. We both love cars so enjoy seeing the BMW museum in Munich and beer unites us totally.

I go on girl trips though. Nothing like bonding with females on a trip. He take motorcycle trips so we are ok with not doing everything together. A balance.

http://www.independent.co.uk/travel/...d-1709883.html

http://www.theguardian.com/travel/20...eaches-secrets

It sounds like a complicated proposition for you both to get what you want on a single trip, given the divergent interests. One of you will be bored anywhere. I suggest, unless you can resign yourself to drinking on a cheap beach, find a friend to travel with or go on your own. I have some experience with a similar situation and we alternated trips, someone always home to care for the cat.

Thank you for everyone's replies. I'm going to have to do some more thinking on compromising....

Suze:
Honestly his usual interests are drinking and tattoos. When we go to Thailand if he does do something cultural it's usually cause the whole group is doing it and he has no choice. But I don't have anyone else to go/come to Europe with us and he doesn't like the idea of a group tour.

Sandralist:
I think I could get him to compromise but I still need to think of something in Paris to interest him, otherwise he will be moody while we're there. And I don't think he'd be ok with us doing separate things in a different country.

You could do a cooking class in Paris, take him to the Beast, Texas bbq Paris style. Fat tire bike tours, maybe a boat ride.
I leave my husband in bars sometimes and he is happy.

If you go in the summer there is a "beach" along the Seine - look up Paris plage. Can't he drink wine instead of beer?

Why would he not be OK with you doing separate things? Sounds like you might need a marriage counsellor rather than travel advice.

Thursdaysd: it's more of a safety thing and he doesn't want something to happen to me.... But thanks

And flpab:
Thank you so much! That is the type of stuff I think could work! If there is a bar surrounded by shops he'd be ok, but I couldn't leave him at a bar and go away to do something. He would worry and his mother would kill him

Loads of people travel solo in Europe. I (older female) do it. A lot of posters here do it. Where do you live that he thinks Europe is more dangerous?

If he could compromise and skip the beach, you could consider trips to the UK, Amsterdam, Belgium , Germany or the Czech Republic. Plenty of beer there, and you could sign up for a guided sightseeing tour for the day so he would not worry about your being on your own. Or he could sit in a museum bar/restaurant while you tour the exhibits. its not likely that there are any safety concerns if you are in the same building.

Perhaps a river cruise.. he could stay on board if he wanted to and you could take the shore excursions.. they are often guided so you would not be alone if that is his concern.


If you think you would travel on your own, and going completely solo would be an issue with your husband, consider going with an all female guided tour. you would be with a group, and tour members may also be married, just not traveling with a spouse, due to any number of reasons.

I'd go by myself.

Make friends with another couple who would like to travel, but also have different interests? Two of you could go off exploring while the other two relaxed at the beach or bar.

Research specific places for him to sit while you explore. In Dubrovnik, the Buza Bar, practically hangs onto the rocks overlooking the sea, right along the city walls. It has been called the bar with the most beautiful view in the world.

Look for famous bars like the Buza in other places. There are great pubs in Ireland and England. I can't remember the name off hand, but in Cambridge, England, there is a bar that was frequented by young military people during WW2, They started smoking and wrote their names on the ceiling with the smoke. The owner was kind of sentimental and kept the smoked on names. They are now preserved under glass. So, you could have a bit of history and your DH could drink. He could stay there hanging out while you tour Cambridge.

Even though you might not get an in depth cultural experience, consider a cruise. If you bought the drink package, he could really relax on sea days, then get off for some local place while you tour on port days. Choose the right cruise and it really could work. Lots of cruises stop at very interesting places and the ports or port towns have lots of restaurants, bars, beaches, etc. right there. A lot of the Greek and Caribbean Islands are like that. Stops like Rhodes, Mykonos, Corfu, Dubrovnik, etc. would work well. Most Caribbean islands would work, bars and beaches at every stop, excursions for you.

Actually, I went to Dubrovnik and the Buza Bar on a cruise. Another Fodorite who was ill at the time had been there, so I went and drank a toast to him. You two could walk the wall for about an hour and end at the bar. By that time, your DH should feel comfortable enough with the tiny city for you to go off on your own awhile.

Does your DH enjoy activities that are fun, not necessarily cultural or touring?
Cappadocia Turkey, for example, is a fantastic place to go hot air ballooning. Take a Gullet cruise on the Turquoise Coast. Helicopter flights in Caribbean islands like St Lucia or St Kitts are amazing. What about places where he could learn to sail or dive? Just a start.

Good luck

My husband and I generally enjoy the same things, but we usually try to go our own ways for a day, or even a few hours during a day.

You mentioned Paris and on two of our last trips to Paris we scheduled our trip for when the Paris auto show was going on (they have it every two years in October, alternating with Germany). I have no interest in this, but each time my husband spent all day at the auto show -- this is a huge show with multiple buildings. He also has gone to the Invalides military museum and the National Maritime Museum -- which again he found fascinating and I have little interest in.

In most cities I'm sure there are similar sights that appeal more to men than women.

It's good to get a little break from being together 24/7. We go our separate ways for the day and meet up for a nice dinner.

I'm with thursdaysd -- just go on your own and let him do whatever he wants, whether that means staying at home or coming along and finding things that he enjoys.

I find solo travel an extraordinary self-indulgence, and I actually feel safer alone than with anyone else, because I'm actually paying attention to my surroundings rather than paying attention to another person.

Oh, and if you go and have a great time, and he doesn't like it, well, maybe then he'll find a way to join you. :-)

Hmm. This seems to be a critical line:

"but I couldn't leave him at a bar and go away to do something. He would worry and his mother would kill him."

<i>... his mother would kill him</i>???

Ok first off,,i think there is a bigger issue here, but i am sure you know that and do not want to discuss it on a travel forum.

So i will make what i hope is a constructive suggestion.

South of France or Spain.

He hangs at beach,,,you can sightsee a bit on your own. If you and he feel its " unsafe" for you to at least visit a site ir two during the day without him, then frankly i see no solution at all for you too to enjoy a holiday together unless YOU do all the compromising and just drink and hang at beach with him.

You life , your choices.

And yes, i am one of those married women who does solo trips and still has a great happy marriage...we love our trips together , and our trips apart.

Good luck , i do hope you find a compromise, that means HE has to " give" a bit too, and sulking is for babies not partners.

How about a cruise? He can lay around and get drunk while you explore the various ports. Maybe at one he might luck into a beach and a tattoo parlor.

Greek islands? Gorgeous beaches, relatively cheap, archaeological sites, Greek food, and culture.

As for your last question, "How do I interest him in seeing more?" It would be best to assume nothing changes. If you don't believe this, just ask older couples around you trust. How much of their partners have changed for the better? In my experience, major changes only happen when people experience life changing events, such as near death experience that make them realize they have been taking life for granted. For too many people, the realization comes too late.

Good grief. While I think it is good advice not to plan your life around the notion that somebody else is going to change, I don't consider working out something new for the next vacation a "major change" requiring a near-death experience. (Did I really marry such an unusually flexible and adaptive man?)

There are lots of things other people do on vacation or pick as travel destinations that I would not enjoy doing with them, and would do everything possible to get out of doing with them, and would not want to go at all if they picked certain destinations.

Maybe instead of posting on the Europe forum -- where most people are going to think someone needs to be changed for "the better" if they've little interest in touring the sights of Europe -- you could try posting in forums devoted to beach and beer vacationers and ask them what would tempt them to go to Paris, or if they went to Paris, what sorts of things would they like and what would they hate. Might be interesting to get the point of view of people who are perfectly normal people who just don't happen to think a European vacation is a dream come true and would rather be doing something else.

A more common problem is that one partner wants to travel and the other doesn't. Your case is not so different to travelling with children in that you have to find activities which interest them but which you may not be otherwise interested in. And there must be compromise on both sides. I think the key is y what interests him at home, which surely must be more than beer and tattoos. You can then find related activities which might interest him. But , having chosen a place to visit he should also make an effort to find things he'd like to do. If you choose Paris this time then he gets to choose somewhere different next time. It's worth compromising but if you can't, taking holidays separately can work very well. If you can't support each other's dreams and ambitions then that's a real shame.

If he likes Beer then Belgium along with it being the battle ground of most European wars would be perfect while you could shop in Brussels and history watch in Brugges.

When Mrs Bilbo and I got together we decided that we both liked bicycling and wine so we cycle to vinyards. All you need is something like that.

Or you could visit the UK and sample the many micro breweries that have sprung up in the last 40 years or so.

Or if he likes spas with beer Hungary has over 200 of them with added sausage, yeha!

BTW men and women shop differently. To help me, Mrs B sent me on a course to select my own clothes, now we never need to shop together. Try it by making it a technology problem for him, it worked for me.

I travel about half the time now solo and half with my husband. Some has to do with time off from work, who will be home for the pets, etc. but some has to do with me wanting to see things he's not that interested in. I often leave him in a cafe or wherever to people watch while I go off for a couple hours to do what I want when we do travel together. We also discovered he really liked learning Italian so now he's much more interested in traveling as long as it involves Italy (and since I love Italy that's not exactly a compromise - but next summer I wanted to go back to Greece and he agreed as long as we could also do some time in Italy).

Could you find someone else to travel with (a girlfriend) for a first trip so he wouldn't worry about you going without him (which is ridiculous, but a lot of people not familiar with places outside their home territory feel that way)? Then when he got used to you traveling without him you could solo on some trips.

Let's cut to the chase. You need to accept the fact that mutual travel interests aren't in the cards for the two of you, and tortuous attempts at compromise probably will only make things worse. So what's the big deal? You, from what you say, appear to have a happy marriage. It's not perfect? Whose is?

There are some work-arounds suggested above, such as finding another travel partner, and that's OK if it suits you. But squeezing a square peg into a round hole for the sake of travel doesn't seem like a good idea. And I'm not attempting to give you marital advice. You don't seem to need it. I'd say the same thing if it were a close friend or a sister or brother or parent.

I mean, seriously, you're going to work out some grand compromise with someone whose main interests are "drinking and tattoos"?

Does he like theme parks ? Port Aventura is huge and is near Barcelona. http://www.portaventura.co.uk/theme-park

All along the Spanish coast there are also major waterparks which can be fun.

Barcelona also has a massive aquarium on the seafront. I think it could be a good bet for you both. More bars and beer than you could possibly take in, great food in the bars and a city centre beach but also an opportunity to hop in a taxi for a short ride to see some of the things you might be more interested in.

Plus also do not forget Disneyland Paris and Disney Studios.

The struggle is real. It has been a learning process for my husband and me to merge our styles and interests when traveling but I'm here to tell you that it can be done :). There was a time that I would have said my husband seems to only be interested in beer and (American) football. But that isn't true, it just took some trial and error to figure out how to connect to his interests and how to connect them to mine..

One thing I've done in the past is searched for travel videos On Demand and on Netflix/Amazon to watch with my husband. I look for ones that aren't too ancient & have decent production value. Two that come up often are Anthony Burdain & Rick Steves. Rick Steves is a bit corny but but they do give a good starting look at the destination covered. In your case Anthony Burdain's series might be really good for opening your husbands eyes to a destination as he has a bit of rock n roll persona, drinks like a fish and has even gotten tattoos while filming on more than one occasion. I think his take on various destinations might appeal to your husband. These videos have absolutely helped me spur my husbands interest in certain destinations that he previously said "no, not interested".

Find out how to apply the things you do at home together to the places you visit. For example, we like going for bike rides at home so I started arranging a day exploring via bike on our trips whenever possible. For you & your husband maybe it's a spectator sport or bowling, etc. We also do very well with an emphasis on regional food & wine (or other local spirits/concoctions) so I try to book a walking food tour early on in a new place. The knowledge about food & drink learned on the tour is applied for the rest of the visit & helps to keep things interesting. We both like modern history so I look for museums & such that fill that interest. Now I am in the process of planning our first trip that combines the food, drink, history and biking in one package with a 4 night bike trip in Istria. The bike trip is bookended with a few days touring Ferrari museum & going to an F1 race (for him) and a few days relaxing & wandering the little streets of a small coastal town (for me). It is okay if I want to sit out the Ferrari museum and do something on my own instead and it is okay if he doesn't want to go window shopping in the small coastal town and do something on his own instead.

It's actually preferred to get some air from each other. It's hard being with anyone 24-7 and that's what travel kinda forces on you. When you're at home you go to work, run errands, see friends, you have your own space. It's unusual to be glued together for such long periods of time. If he looks at it that way maybe he'll see that splitting up is not such a bad thing.

You've gotten some really good advice from others as well. It sounds like you're really discouraged & frustrated by your wording. I can relate. You just gotta get more creative in your approach. There is a work around. As the fairer sex you have the upper hand here, put your wits to work and good luck.

If there is a bar surrounded by shops he'd be ok, but I couldn't leave him at a bar and go away to do something. He would worry and his mother would kill him>>

given that you had travelled widely when you met him, why does he think that you suddenly need to be wrapped in cotton wool? IMO you need to disabuse him of this asap. Not even being able to go off and shop while he sits in a bar is a serious interference with your liberty - and fun!

I know that others have talked about compromise, but at the moment, all the compromise seems to be on your side, not his. I would suggest a more direct approach - I want to go and do this, do you want to come? if you don't feel able to do this, you need to ask yourself why.

<Honestly his usual interests are drinking and tattoos.>

He can get a new tattoo in Paris. He can go drinking in Paris.

But honestly (& I know you say you don't want to do this) your post and situation is CRYING OUT for separate vacations!!

I don't think there is any big solution to this problem if the OP won't do things on her own. This isn't a travel issue, it is a life issue. If he isn't interested in anything but beer and lying around, it must be the same thing at home, not just on vacation. So this can hardly be news. Who wants to babysit some grown man that has no interests, anyway, and try to get him to have some. He doesn't have any, that's just the way it is.

Maybe this is some cultural/religious issue that she isn't allowed to go off on her own, and the mother would get mad if she found out that happened.

Given those parameters, I agree with the cruise idea, that could work. And if the OP is willing to go to some beach place in Europe and just lie around, that could work, also.

Paris Plage isn't remotely a beach, it is less interesting than a real beach. And if the OP isn't allowed to go anywhere on her own, doesn't make any difference. I think it would be better to go to a real beach area like in Spain or the Riviera, etc. But I wouldn't bother at all if you aren't going to do anything but lie on the beach, I'd go somewhere cheaper to do that.

I don't see any reason to conclude that because the husband's preference for a vacation is a beach and beer that he "must be the same at home." I have known half a dozen very hardworking men who resisted busy sightseeing vacations, because they actually needed to get some rest and not be bossed around for 2 or 3 weeks a year, and their stay-at-home wives really were inconsiderate with their demands to take every vacation and turn it into a tranatlantic go-go-go, with now this, now that, now we do this, up at dawn to catch a train, etc etc.

I've also known at least half a dozen wives who put their foot down (finally) about camping vacations, fishing vacations, beach vacations that involved a lot of cooking, housework, yada yada -- they wanted a vacation.

And I have known people who in their early 20s would have been thrilled to go larking about anywhere in the world and see everything. But as they got older their ambitions and intersts changed. Nothing wrong with that.

It's good that people share their personal experience from their own marriages (and I mean that), but many of us also have extended families, filled with fine people, half of whom could care less if they traveled abroad. One or two of them like to please their spouses and will be cheerful on a trip to Europe, even if later they can barely remember a thing about it.

But sometimes, married people just don't want to go to some destination, and very often, their spouse will then give their interest in going if the spouse is not interested.

I think some of you are reading too much into the mother remark. Sounded to me more like a mother-in-law joke. She harps her son to take care of his wife.

<if the OP isn't allowed to go anywhere on her own>

It's not that she isn't "allowed", it's that she doesn't WANT to: "I don't want to go on holidays without him"

So glad I married the right one.

Now honestly do some girls trips with friends to Paris and vacation with your husband.

By the way, if my husband wants to go somewhere and I don't feel like going, nine times out of 10, he won't go without me. He's not afraid to be alone or travel alone. He'd just rather have my company.

Personally, I cannot imagine traveling anywhere with anybody but my husband. I mean, I'll go off to a lake for an afternoon with a friend, but I'm not going to spend 2 weeks traveling with somebody else. Glad other people like it, but I wouldn't. I've traveled solo, and some destinations I don't think I would enjoy being solo.

I don't think the OP is making an usual request. I see tourists all the time who appear to be married and seem to be pulling in different directons on the road.

>>>So glad I married the right one. <<<

The OP may have married "the right one" too. If tomorrow, if my husband turned into somebody who no longer enjoyed the same travel destinations I did but otherwise remained the same the every respect, he still be the right one for me. This is travel board where people only ask travel questions, which can tend to make travel questions look enormously important, filling up the entire world. They are not.

sandralist, Just because you prefer to only travel with your husband, there are many happily married couples who take separate vacations because their interests do not overlap.

You just have to get him there. My husband was stationed in Spain for 4 years and traveled all over Europe. He didn't have any interest in going back. Not that he didn't like it, he just thought he'd done it enough. We spent our first 25 married years vacationing in the Caribbean. Finally, I had enough beach vacations and was dying to go back to Europe (I'd only been once when I was 21), so we went to France twice (Paris, Normandy, Provence, Nice, Loire Valley) and he "did it for me", but he ended up really enjoying it. Our upcoming trip is to Switzerland and Lake Como. He'd still rather go to Bermuda than Europe, but once he's there he loves it. Don't give up.

suze, I said plainly in my post that I am glad other people enjoy their vacations. I don't care what other people do, and I don't care what other people think of me for not traveling with anybody but my husband. I am trying to point out there is nothing wrong with the wife who posted or the husband she is describing because some people posting in this thread don't seem to realize that.

Lots of possibilities. You go on separate holidays. You go on the same holiday but do different activities during the day and meet up, just, say in the evenings for dinner. You take turns to pick activities (and further to that, possibly even the destinations themselves) doing what your partner fancies together on day 1 and what you fancy together on day 2 and so on.

I have to be honest though and say that if adults need it pointing out to them a) that compromise is necessary and b) how to implement it, there is already a bit of a problem imho.