"Tea for One" - Crazy Mina's Afternoon Tea Experience at Brown's
 

This was not my first trip to London...I was stopping by on my way to Ireland, where I was spending the bulk of my vacation. <BR><BR>I went alone (as I normally vacation solo). As a 29 year old (and I plan to state my age a lot this year) single gal, I had a marvelous time, both in London and Ireland.<BR><BR>Instead of posting a trip report that says "I did this and saw that", I thought for London, I would focus on one aspect of my trip: Afternoon Tea. A lot of questions are asked on this board about it, so I thought my experience may be of interest to some.<BR><BR>I wrote this while abroad (I wrote a series of stories to send back to friends and colleagues). I hope you enjoy it, and do go easy on me (my first report here on the Europe forum)...this board can sometimes be hard on trip reporters! :) If I don't get slammed too much, I will post an Ireland report in a day or two.<BR><BR>Also, please read this with the tongue in cheek tone that was intended. And now...

"TEA FOR ONE"<BR><BR>The one thing that most tourists feel compelled to do in London is have afternoon tea. To do it right, you have to go to a posh London hotel like the Ritz, pay a ridiculous sum of money, and sit in a lovely drawing room feeling very proud of yourself. <BR><BR>The last time I was here, I was with some friends…some of whom did not have a lot of money to blow. So at that time, the opportunity to have a veddy veddy proper English tea was lost.<BR><BR>Deciding that tea at the Ritz was far too imposing for a commoner like me, I decided to have tea at the equally posh but more inviting Raffles Brown Hotel. I had wanted to make it my “perfect London day” so I started out touring the Westminster Abbey, then went shopping for a suitable shirt for tea (everything I brought was way too casual). Then it would be tea at Brown’s, followed by an evening play at the West End.<BR><BR>It was with some anticipation I got ready for my “formal” evening out. I had brought one pair of black slacks with me (purchased after much searching at home). I absentmindedly slipped into my slightly wrinkled pants, and blinked a couple of times when I struggled with the zipper.<BR><BR>Perplexed, I looked down and was stunned to discover that I had brought the wrong pants. My smart new cotton slacks were hanging in my closet, while I had brought THESE: my vile, microfiber, cheapo pants I wore at tradeshows! The pants I had purchased ages ago at a few pounds slimmer, and were now refusing to zip up all the way! <BR><BR>DAMN IT!<BR>

Trying not to be too disappointed by this unforeseen outfit change, I put on my new ultrasuede shirt. I glanced at my reflection on the way out and sighed. I had bought these pants for tradeshows because I wore comfortable flat shoes and these pants didn’t drag on the ground. Unfortunately, now I looked like Noah should have built me an ark because I was flooding in a big way. They looked completely silly with the heeled boots I had bought specifically for this evening.<BR><BR>Still, I made it to the hotel, and tried to be most dignified when I gave the name the reservation was under. “Of course, miss,” the distinguished gentlemen said, “Right this way.”<BR><BR>He led me to a warm, yet grand drawing room filled with dark woods and oversized chenille chairs in various shades of burgundy and cream. He pointed out my choices to sit…both tables were in the center of the room, within easy view of the door. <BR><BR>I must have looked a little nervous, because he offered me a third choice: a lovely booth in the corner. I smiled gratefully and told him I would love to sit in the booth, as it was much better for people watching.<BR><BR>“Very good miss,” leaning towards me a little, he said conspiratorially “It’s the seat that Princess Diana would have chosen.”<BR><BR>Feeling a bit like a princess myself, I took a seat in the cozy booth. I took a look around and was impressed with the serving ladies. Well dressed in tidy white shirts and burgundy skirts, they wore sensible hose (nude, as I would imagine they aren’t allowed to wear sexy black hose. Some wore the dreaded “suntan” color that you stop wearing at 12 years old and don’t wear again until you’re 80). <BR><BR>I began to feel a bit out of place. The room was filled with older ladies and gentlemen. To my right was a group of very handsome people. They were chicly dressed…especially the three perfectly coiffed blonde women, with their big diamonds sparkling in the soft light. <BR>

I was asked if I would like autumn or afternoon tea. I couldn’t tell much of a difference and was momentarily perplexed as to what to choose, since it happened to be both autumn and afternoon. I settled for afternoon tea. She then asked me what kind of tea I would like.<BR><BR>I glanced down at the tea invitation. I couldn’t pronounce half of them. Feeling dumber by the minute, I said “Earl Grey, please.” Two words, one syllable each. Rather impossible to screw up.<BR><BR>I watched the lady go to the good-looking group of people to take their tea orders. Eavesdropping, I could tell they were also American. They all ordered afternoon tea over the autumn tea. Then, she started to ask the ladies in the group what tea they chose.<BR><BR>“I’ll have a dar-jling,” one lady said.<BR><BR>“Oh, you will have the dar-jeh-ling?” confirmed the serving lady. She sounded the slightest bit amused.<BR><BR>“Oh, um, yes. The dar-jeh-ling.”<BR><BR>The serving lady turned her attention to the gentlemen. “And you sir?”<BR><BR>“Um….I’ll have what I can pronounce. “Earl Grey.”<BR><BR>“Yeah, me too,” then next gentlemen said “Earl Grey.”<BR><BR>And so they ordered…four Earl Greys and two Darjeelings (now that they knew how to pronounce it). The entire time I listened, I sat with a most gratified smile on my face. It was extremely satisfying to know that I was not the only dolt in the room.<BR><BR>Americans can go into a coffee shop, order a double shot of cappuccino mulatto with frothy foam and a dash of cinnamon, nutmeg, herbs and spices, whipped into a frenzy without batting an eyelash. But when asked the venerable question “one lump, or two?” we turn into blithering idiots. We are hopelessly ignorant about tea. All the glittering diamonds in the world on your fingers won’t change that.<BR>

My tea was presented to me in a confounding array of pitchers, jars, strainers, etc. She poured my first cup of tea and left me to fend for myself. Flummoxed, I began to feel uneasy again. <BR><BR>I took the silver tongs and nearly flung the lump across the room as I couldn’t get a grip on the sugar. Looking uneasily for the cream, I spotted a smaller pitcher with a closed lid on the far end of the table and tried to peer down the spout to determine its contents. I slowly tipped it over my tea and retreated abruptly when something that looked suspiciously like hot water appeared. Feeling rather dejected, I spied the cream….right next to my cup. <BR><BR>I may have been seated where Princess Diana would have sat, but I highly doubted she would have dumped hot water into her tea when the cream was right under her nose!<BR><BR>I had my glasses on, so I could observe the room better. As I took the first sip of my tea, I realized that my glasses were slipping off my nose. I had started to perspire from my nervousness! The glasses started to fog up, and I couldn’t really see anything in front of me, much less the rest of the room. Forced to take off my glasses, I felt my body temperature start to rise to uncomfortable levels. <BR><BR>You see, both ultrasuede and microfiber (do a search on Fodor’s for “microfiber” to understand more about this sinister fabric…I was well warned by my fellow fodorites) are forms of polyester. That might not mean anything to you, but when you are in a room and start to feel warm, wearing polyester is a problem because it CAN’T BREATHE.<BR><BR>I felt my body growing clammy from perspiration. Seriously afraid I would overheat and blow a gasket, I tried to surreptitiously blow air into my face…and down my shirt! It was as if I was in a sauna…and pouring hot fluids into my body wasn’t helping any. <BR><BR>All of this was going on while people were calmly going about their business of having tea. <BR>

It took several minutes and several deep breaths to get the panic and perspiration under control. I guess at this point, you may be wondering why I paid around $50 dollars to sit in a fancy room and torture myself.<BR><BR>Don’t think I wasn’t asking myself the same question. I don’t really get tea (as you can plain see) and a lot of British folk don’t understand why American people pay wads of cash to sit and pretend to be fancy. For your $50 all you really get is the equivalent of two sandwiches with the crusts cut off, a pot of tea, a small glass of champagne, and a few scones the size of a ping pong ball.<BR><BR>But as I sat in the room, my body (now) at a comfortable temperature with a delightful assortment of cakes and cookies in front of me, I was content. Having tea in a posh hotel lets you get away from the craziness of London. I leaned back in my booth and listened to the melody drifting from the piano, and realized that $50 wasn’t a bad price to pay for a couple hours of good people watching, fantastic tea, a few moments of severe discomfort, and the right to pretend to be fancy.<BR><BR>Sure, you could have tea in America. But then you wouldn’t be an American having tea in London. I’d even venture forth to say that I’d do it again, and encourage anyone to have the experience, at least once. Trust me, you will enjoy it.<BR><BR>Just wear breathable fabrics.<BR><BR><BR>

Mina, what a delightful story. Glad you had a wonderful time despite the microfiber and high water slacks, but then showing your ankles is quite fashionable now. Did you ever find out the difference between afternoon and autumn tea? I'm curious.

Dear Mina,<BR>Thanks for the wonderful story, well-written story. I would much read one of these slice of life stories than "we went here, did that."<BR><BR>Thanks for taking the time.

Mina that was a great story, very humorous and well written. I think it is great to try anything once. Thanks for the story:)

Mina- Delightful story--had me laughing and feeling right at home!!<BR><BR>Glad you enjoyed yourself so much==<BR>Bet you won't utter the words "microfiber" anymore! LOL

How beautifully written! Thanks Mina!<BR>Kavey

Mina<BR><BR>Top drawer! Crazy but good crazy!

Brilliant story - you should be a writer!! I am definitely going to have afternoon tea on my next visit to London!<BR><BR>I, too, am curious as to what autumn tea is. Anyone??<BR><BR>Angela

Thank you Mina. This was great fun to read.

Minda, what a great story! I love it. Tea in London is such a treat isn't it? Especially after a long day of shopping. You can just sink into the chair and be pampered for a while.

Hi Mina<BR><BR>Glad to hear you had uch an interesting time! Still be nice to hear about the rest of the trip though. Did you manage to try out any of the restaurants in London? How was Temple Bar?<BR><BR>Thanks for you story!<BR><BR>Sonia

Mina, I meant Mina! I cannot type for crap. d and a are too close together for my stupid fingers.<BR><BR>:-)

Mina,<BR><BR>Thanks for the great report! It brought back great memories of my first tea at Browns. I was lucky to have a friend with me who has lived in England for over 20 years guide me. English tea does get a lot of bashing here but the experience at Browns is well worth the effort! I could feel your "pain". Did you make it to the ladies room? They have a great Victorian fainting couch, it sounds like you could have used it! Bravo and keep the reports coming.

Mina,<BR>What a great, well-told story! With your sense of humor and open approach to experiences and ability to roll with the punches you must be very fun to travel with!<BR>Karen

Fabulous, Mina - you're not so crazy, lol. Great story!

Hi Mina,<BR>Lovely story.<BR>You were quite right to add a bit of hot water to the tea that the waitress had brewed. It showed that your highly refined taste found it a bit too strong.

I have to say, all your responses gave me a few chuckles this morning. I was hoping the fodorites would be kind about my first Europe forum report posting, but I had no idea how magnanimous you would all be. Had I known that I was quite fashionable in my high water pants, and very refined to dump hot water into my tea, I daresay that I would not have produced a single sweat bead!<BR><BR>aj: Yes, I did make it to the ladies room. I had made a mental note to mention it in my story, but forgot. It was so grand, that had the host taken one look at my silly pants and seated me in the ladies room to serve me tea there, I would not have known the difference, and would have been quite content!<BR><BR>Sonia, thanks for your email before I left. I did get to some restaurants, but most of my time in London was spent people watching and generally just hanging out. The weather was fabulous! I didn't know what to do with myself...<BR><BR>As far as Autumn vs. Afternoon tea, I still don't know the difference. Perhaps you get different things to eat with one? I'm tempted to email the hotel and ask.....<BR><BR>Thanks all again for your kind words. I feel a little better about posting an Ireland report as well. Hopefully sometime later today. <BR><BR>Oh, one last thing. I was so angry at the pants that I threw them away in Ireland.

Thank you Mina, for making me laugh on a gloomy NY day! <BR>

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Maybe next time you go to England you could take a trip to York and have tea at Betty's tearooms.I think you would enjoy it and you would probably feel a little more comfortable.Don't worry about making mistakes when in England if people notice they will be to polite to say anything.Hope you visit Great Britain again there many beautiful,friendly places to see.

<BR><BR>Mina, How did you do it? You seem to have fun wherever you go. Did you use the 'underwear' line to get upgrade this time? I am off to P.D 'Hibiscus Garden'next week, I shall log on Fodors in Australia just to read your trip report to Ireland.

Butch!<BR><BR>I had read on the Oz forum you were going soon...have a wonderful trip. I hope you and all your friends don't get into too much trouble...or maybe I do!<BR><BR>No, I did not use the underwear line to get an upgrade this time. The flight from London to Ireland was so short, wasn't worth it. I flew business from LA to London, so I was OK there.<BR><BR>As for the Ireland report, don't worry my dear. For you, the unabridged version (after the Oz adventure, I don't think I have to worry about offending you). Let me know when you get back, and I'll email it to you. My email address still works (I don't know about yours though)<BR><BR>Have a few Ozzie brews for me!

Jane, yes, I will definitely go back to England, and look up your suggestion. I feel that now I am tea-set! (awful pun intended)

<BR><BR>Hi, Mina, you've got mail.

More fun reading from Mina

Great post Mina! You might be interested in this article about tea time, which coincidentally appeared the same day as yours (but your's is more entertaining!):<BR>http://www.miaminewtimes.com/issues/2002-10-17/cafe.html/1/index.html<BR><BR>

Hi Mina,<BR>loved your story! As an Austalian, with a British family background, it was always tea, never coffee, when I was growing up. My grandmother even had a knitted tea cosy to keep her teapot warm! <BR>I had to laugh at your description of how the Americans order coffee. My husband and I were in the US 2 years ago on holiday and sat in coffee shops absolutely bemused at what the heck 'with room' could be, or 'wet or dry'. We ordered a mocha valencia and a caramel macchiato and tried to look like we knew what we were doing! Very daunting. It's like a special 'coffee language'!!<BR>Kay

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Mina - loved your story!!! can't wait to read about your adventures in Ireland. You really should be published!

Mina<BR><BR>Wonderful story - and I just loved your Irish story as well. I might just venture to tea when next in London (wearing my only good clothes, of course)<BR> <BR>When next in Sydney, try afternoon tea at the Intercontinental Hotel. It's a good experience, and nowhere near as intimidating as London.<BR><BR>Kay - whaddya mean, your grandmother had a knitted tea-cosy - I HAVE A KNITTED TEA COSY. Doesn't everyone? How do you keep your tea warm?

Nutella: Thanks for the article...I read it with much fascination and wished I had read it before I left! Funny that it was posted the same day as my tea story though.<BR><BR>Kay and Margo...nice "chatting" with you here on the Europe board! Kay, I have no idea what those things mean in relation to coffee (I actually don't drink coffee either). <BR><BR>Margo, I do hope to go to Sydney at some point soon (although Ireland now calls me back as well) so I will look into having tea there. I feel like quite the expert now! (well, sort of.)<BR><BR>Julie, glad you enjoyed the story. Yes, it would be nice to be paid for something I enjoy doing so much, but I won't hold my breath. :)<BR><BR>I'm off to finish laundry and clean the place up. My travels may be exciting, but when I'm home, my life is sadly mundane. And it's Saturday too! I should be skating at the beach!<BR><BR>Have a good rest of your weekend.

Margo - you did make me chuckle. While my grandmother still does all the old fashioned tea rituals, I just pour hot water over the teabag and add milk. She would be horrified - and I use mugs (gasp! horror!) instead of a cup and saucer.<BR>Kay

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