Strange/amusing pilot announcements?
 

Inspired by the "best excuse for a delayed flight" thread: What's the wackiest, funniest, or maybe scariest announcement you've ever heard a pilot make? <BR> <BR>Here's mine. <BR> <BR>The flight: a 20-minute hop from Portland, Maine to Boston enroute to New York during a bad lightning storm. The plane: a 15-seater. Number of passengers: 2. Pilot comment: We were told to ignore our seat assignments and remain in the rear of the plane to serve as a counterweight to the weight of the pilot and copilot up front. <BR> <BR>It was a looonnnggg 20 minutes!

I don't know about amusing, but ... Once on a flight home, we flew over Mt. Saint Helens. The pilot made the announcement that it was below so everybody could look at it if they wished. A few seconds later, a panicked "oh, no" came over the microphone. About 30 seconds later there was a click as the microphone was turned off. Apparently the cockpit had not turned off the microphone after their announcement and it was still broadcasting. Don't know why the "oh, no", but, thankfully, the flight was uneventful. Have to admit,though, I was pretty frightened until the wheels hit the tarmac!

Flew on Xmas day once and pilot told everyone to look to the left and look to the right , that Rudolf and santa were passing by--and within 10 minutes, the pilot came out of the cockpit dressed as Santa handing out candy--it really made the flight and the kids loved it and the adults were cracking up.

I almost lost my dentures once when I heard a pilot ask "Does anyone know how long it takes to get from Venice to Milan?" <BR>

This wasn't funny at the time (I laugh about it now) but 3 years ago flying from Tokyo to Bangkok on a huge jumbo jet-Northwest Airlines, the flight attendant anounced "We are short 250 meals, if you are willing to forgo your meal, please ring your call button!!" Not sure how many passengers this plane held but I doubt too many passengers ate during the 5 hour flight! Actually, this was so pathetic, I've never flown NW again.

Last February, my daughter and I were on a Southwest flight to Tampa for a family wedding. Although the day was clear and sunny, the flight was a bumpy one. As we were about to land, the plane was really rocking, and just as were to touch down, we suddenly dropped and WHAM hit the runway hard. It really scared everybody, and there was a general intake of breath...Before anybody could say a word, the flight attendant quickly said "Ladies and gentlemen, that was not the captain's falut...that was not the first officer's fault...that was the AS-phalt!" Evewryone roared with laughter, the tension was broken, and we were suddenly very happy to be on the ground in Florida! <BR> <BR>

Returning from Florida with American Transair.... <BR> <BR>Plane lands, Pilot applies reverse thrust, Pilot says over PA 'WHOA, WHOA, <BR>ATTAGIRL !'. <BR> <BR>Incidentally I think this is the same year that some kids played the Emergency <BR>'Aircraft about to ditch' video for a prank, terrorising the other passengers.

Continental flight from San Diego to Newark last year. "This is Captain Beyondo......" <BR> <BR>

On a KLM flight between Amsterdam and Norway, the flight attendant went through the seat belt routine in Dutch then again quickly in English. I don't know what she said in Dutch, but in English when she was talking about the seat belts, she started by saying, "for those of you who haven't been on an airplane since 1972 and have never seen a seatbelt before..."

A much beloved senior Captain on Alaska Airlines (back when that airline had soul instead of Starbucks) would play the harmonica over the speakers once the plane was at cruise altitude. He was extremely accomplished - oldies, classical, country - and the passengers would inevitably roar their approval when he'd sign off with something like "Well, I guess I should try to find Juneau now" or something like that. People would book their flights based on his schedule, he never had an empty seat. Plus he always found Juneau.

Slightly off message ... <BR> <BR>Many, many moons ago, a Lufthansa flight radioed the control tower at Heathrow, asking for permission NOT to land, as they could not find one of their passengers. After a pause, the ever helpful ATC suggested - "Have you looked in the ovens?" <BR> <BR>I heard that the German government formally informed the British government that it felt this remark was in poor taste.

Continental flight last spring from Houston to Phoenix: Terrible storms to the west of Houston caused a 3 hour delay- all spent in the aircraft in the lovely Houston humidity/heat, thank you. Everyone is very frustrated, including the pilot, who comes on periodically to assure us that we will take off as soon as we get clearance. Finally, the pilot announces, "We have just been cleared for take-off. We will have to circle the storms, which will increase our flight time. There is also the possibility that we will run out of fuel...but we will deal with it when the time comes." Luckily, we all landed safe and sound in Phx! <BR>

On our recent return flight on Alitalia from Milan to Boston, it seemed that all passengers had boarded and we were waiting to depart. When it was apparent that we were not leaving, the captain announced, in Italian, that a passenger whose luggage was on board had not boarded the plane even after numerous pages. He then said that they were removing all 300 pieces of luggage to check them. After about an hour, he asked a group of passengers who had boarded in Damascus to leave the plane so they could identify their luggage. After about another hour, the captain announced that he "thought" they had located the "offensive" luggage, removed it and we were now ready to depart. The final statement was, "I hope we all have a good flight."! I saw someone make the sign of the cross. It was a good flight after all. The applause that broke out upon landing in Boston was genuine.

Not really strange or amusing, but still an announcement we will always remember. We were flying from SFO to Dallas during the Olympics many years ago. The pilot announced that the US hockey team had beaten the Russians and the passengers went wild. <BR> <BR>Still remember that everytime we see any reference to that hockey team; see the movie or a documentary, etc.

The United jumbo glided to a whisper-soft landing in Chicago, with hardly any perceptible dips, lurches, bumps or thumps -- didn't even know exactly when we touched the runway. It was without question the most perfect landing I've ever experienced, and the pilot was impressed with it himself: <BR> <BR>"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your pilot. You'll never have a landing like that on American!"

mine is a little different. In a flight from Lisbon to Marrakesh via Casablanca, we made the check in in Lisbon, already for Marrakesh, even thow we had to change airplane. My seat was number 30, and the plain from casablanca to marrakesh had only 25 seats. <BR>The flight attendant, very gently, and very firmly told me: <BR>- ok... see that door on your right!! you have to leave, and there´s another plane parked back there... and it´s seat numer ...5. <BR>( they decided for a free seating !!!)

Years ago, when I was working for Lockheed Aircraft in Burbank, I used to commute from Burbank to Palmdale each day in a Lockheed-owned DC-3. The flight was notoriously turbulent as we passed over the mountains into Antelope Valley. <BR>On one day in particular, the turbulemnce was noticeably worse than normal, and even an experienced Navy pilot who I worked with was hanging on to the armrests for dear life. After landing in Palmdale, the pilot walked down the aisle to open the door. As he left the cockpit, he wiped his brow and said, "Well, we cheated death again".

Waiting on a runway for take-off on a Northwest Airlines flight, the pilot was doing the whole schtick--weather in Denver (our destination), altitude for flight, etc., & then in a calm voice said "if those of you on the right side of the plane will look out your windows, you'll see a raging fire." Those of us on the right could see bright orange flames. The airport fire department was performing an extinguishing exercise on the runway off to our right! <BR>BC

2 stories come to mind: <BR> <BR>1) Flying at night from Ft. Lauderdale to Toronto on Eastern ("The Dregs of Man") the Captain came on and said "Many of you have asked why there are no reading lights - this plane is only meant to fly during the day". That was it - no other explanation offered. Of course we were left to ponder what other "options" Eastern had neglected to purchase!! Flaps? Brakes? Altimeter? <BR> <BR>2) On a Mexicana flight from Los Cabos to LA - via PV - in 1978 (only one commercial flight per week then) we were sitting on the runway, doors closed, waiting to taxi. This is a sound I'd never heard before or since on a plane - "knock knock". 2 passengers were knocking on the door of the (full) plane. The flight attendants opened the door and after much discussion with the pilots the first officer came on to announce that the two passengers would be STANDING in the aisle for the PV leg of the journey. It was like taking the subway!

Another story. The announcement was normal. The reaction was anything but. I was flying from Japan to the US on a military-chartered airline. The flight had started in Korea, stopping in Japan to pick up a few passengers. You must understand first that the passengers from Korea (by far the greatest percentage of the passengers) were mostly young men, all military. Almost all of them had been out of the US for an entire year, away from family and all that was familiar, many for the first time, and most of them were not in Korea by choice. <BR> <BR>As soon as we landed in California the pilot came on the speaker and said, "Welcome to the U.S.A." The reaction bordered on pandemonium. The joy felt at finally being home was almost tangible in the cheers and hugs that raged thru the aircraft. <BR> <BR>This was not my first homecoming, but certainly my most memorable.

On a Delta flight from Brussels to JFK, three families of six - what looked like a small village with carry-ons like I've never seen - boarded at the last minute. During the flight they were out of their seats, going up and down the aisles and standing in front of the movie screen. I saw some flight attendants in tears at not being able to control the situation and one who lost her cool and yelled at them. Even someone from the cockpit came back to try to get them to sit down. When we landed at JFK the pilot came on the PA system saying, " It will take about twenty minutes for us to get to the gate. FAA rules say that if anyone gets out of their seats during this time we will have to go back to Brussels and try again." (They stayed in their seats.)

On our way home from Europe, we flew, pretty much all day, in an effort to get Home. On the last leg of the flight, the Captain came on the PA and said, 'Ladies, and Gentleman, if you notice, the air is a little cleaner, and sweeter, it is because, we are now in the Great State of Texas' everyone cheered. <BR>Incindentally, he had a thick, Texas accent. <BR>I will always remember that. <BR>

Cross-threading here from the Monty Python one: Have any of you seen the airplane sketch from John Cleese's "How to Irritate People"? It is, I think, the funniest thing I have ever seen on film; it's all about pilot announcements.

Remembered another one - somewhat off topic but nonetheless a memorable flying experience. <BR> <BR>I was flying Air BC (also known as "Scare BC") a float plane from Vancouver to Victoria Harbour. I sat down in my window seat, and the window proceeded to fall in on me. All of it - there was a wide gaping hole in the aircraft. The flight attendant went up to the cockpit to ask the Pilot to assess the situation. He came over to my seat, picked up the window and its housing, and with his fist pounded it back in place and pronounced it "fine". Off we went.

On a flight from SFO to Las Vegas on United got into a pretty bad storm just before landing. We almost landed, but they have closed the airport and our plane was diverted to Ontario. While this was happening the place was hit by lightning twice. <BR>Once we landed in Ontario they asked everyone out so that "technical personnel can inspect the aircraft". We were sitting in the waiting area and observed the technical personal "inspecting" the aircraft: a guy with a duct tape and a brush lefted himself on a platform to the nose of the plane. He then affixed a peice of duct tape and carefully brushed it off, lowered himself and went on his business. In a few minutes we've heard on PA an annoncement that "technical personnel has cleared the aircraft" and they will take us to Las Vegas now. <BR>

An American shuttle from LaGuardia to Toronto was scheduled to leave around 4:30 PM, but takeoff was delayed because of weather patterns between the two cities. At around 7:30, the pilot came on the PA (again), and began his announcement with a sigh. Then he said, "Ladies and gentlemn, I guess I should update you, but at this point I don't know anything more about the situation than you do." Big laugh in the cabin. Not much laughter when we returned to the gate at 8:30 after they shut down LaGuardia (for the night) because of approaching thunderstorms. We found ourselves in the (closing) food court, scrambling to find something to eat alongside Peter Jennings. <BR> <BR>In June, on a Continental flight from NYC to SFO, the pilot introduced himself by playing a really cheesy recording from Austin Powers. Even the flight attendants were rolling their eyes.

A military pilot friend sent these to me. Enjoy! <BR>The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airliners and <BR>control towers from around the world: <BR> <BR>Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7." <BR> <BR>Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, <BR>after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the <BR>runway." <BR> <BR>Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; <BR>did you copy the report from Eastern?" <BR> <BR>Continental 635:"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes, we <BR>copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers." <BR>************ <BR> <BR>O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one <BR>o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound." <BR> <BR>United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that <BR>Fokker in sight." <BR>************ <BR> <BR>The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground <BR>control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing: <BR> <BR>Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the <BR>active runway." <BR>Ground: "Guten morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!" <BR>The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a stop. <BR>Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?" <BR>Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location <BR>now." <BR>Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?!?" <BR> <BR>Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing. <BR>I didn't stop." <BR>************ <BR>I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich, <BR>Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crew member. <BR>This was the conversation overheard (I don't recall call signs any longer): <BR> <BR>Lufthansa (i German):"Ground, what is our start clearance time?" <BR> <BR>Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English." <BR> <BR>Luft (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. <BR>Why must I speak English?" <BR> <BR>Beautiful English Accent (before ground could answer): "Because you lost the bloody war!" <BR>************ <BR>During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made <BR>a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming "US Air 2771, where are you going?. I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxiway; you turned right on "Delta". Stop right there. I know it's difficult to <BR>tell the difference between C's and D's but get it right". <BR> <BR>Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting <BR>hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to <BR>sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can <BR>expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to <BR>go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got <BR>that, US Air 2771??" <BR> <BR>The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am". <BR> <BR>Naturally, the "ground control" frequency went terribly silent after the <BR>verbal bashing of US Air Flight 2771. No one wanted to engage the irate <BR>ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment of <BR>the U.S. Air crew, an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?" <BR>

A friend of mine swears that the following is true: <BR> <BR>On a flight from L.A. to Baltimore, the pilot, a female, made this announcement. "I am Captain ---, and my crew is ---,---,---, and --- (all female names). On THIS flight, at least, ladies and gentlmen, we will NOT refer to the area in front of the plane as the COCKPIT!"

In that spirit: On our recent trip to Chicago, I was listening to good ol' Channel 9 on United's in-flight audio system, which is the link to the pilot's communication with ground control/tower, etc. As we approached O'Hare, I heard the controller giving instructions for landing to various craft, who seemed to be landing at about 20-second intervals. Repeatedly, I heard (don't remember exact flight numbers but anyway): "American 770 cleared for landing runway 4L, make that 4R" "Delta 342 cleared for landing runway 14L, make that 14R." <BR> <BR> Eventually I heard her clear our flight UA 271 for landing "runway 14 R, make that 4R" but I wasn't worried about our pilot getting confused because he'd been instructed to approach 4R all along. But I had to wonder if he was chuckling when, minutes later when we were just a few feet above the approach lights at the end of the runwy, she said "United 271, in case I didn't already tell you that, you're cleared to land runway 4R." <BR>

from Reader's Digest <BR>"Ladies and gentlemen, there will be a delay in takeoff because the machine that tears the handles off your luggage is out of order, and the employees must do this by hand".

One from my mom from years ago...... <BR>After an aborted take off, the captain came on and said "Sorry about that folks but we had a warning light come on. It seems to have gone off now, so we're gonna try again!" <BR>Off they went......!

As my Valujet plane was beginning to gain speed on the runway for liftoff, the flight attendents all joined in and sang, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....I know I can, I know I can, I know I can...." Thank goodness we made it, but knowing how old those planes were, the joke wasn't exactly comforting. <BR> <BR>During the time of the O.J. trials, the verdict was expected at anytime. The pilot made an announcment, "The jury just came back with a verdict in the Simpson trial.........Oh, would you all like to know the outcome......O.J. Simpson was found not guilty."

Great thread. Brings to mind a story I heard recently. <BR>The passengers on a plane are waiting for their flight to leave when two men, both wearing dark glasses, dressed in pilot uniforms, walk up the aisle. One is being led by a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the men go into the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start. The passengers are all looking around for some sign that this is just a little practical joke, but there is none. As the plane moves faster and faster down the runway, the people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off and will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But just at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. In the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, <BR>"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die." <BR>True story. <BR>Really!! <BR>:) <BR>&gt; &gt; <BR>&gt; &gt; <BR>

I am LMAO at some of these announcements. Mine isn't funny - but amusing. My husband and I were flying back to Phila. the same night as game 7 of the Bucks-76ers series. About 10 mins before we landed the pilot came onto the PA and said "just wanted to let all you 76er fans know that they have just beaten the Bucks XX to XX" (can't rememnber the score. The whole plane shook with the cheers!

Small, really small town in Alberta Canada. Lined up to check in onto a small aircraft. The lady at check-in counter got all our boarding passes done etc. and the man there in his coveralls loaded the luggage into the plane. When everyone had checked in and the flight was ready to go, the woman pulled down the "closed" sign on the station, the man unbuttoned and took off his coveralls and she became the flight attendant and he became the pilot! Scary!

Provincetown, MA: Small airport, waiting area. A slender young woman in brief, disheveled uniform, blouse loose, hair flying, chewing and cracking gum is on the phone at the check-in desk, standing on one foot with the other out of her shoe and tucked into her knee. <BR> <BR>"Ok, so that's a mushroom and a pepperoni with green peppers? Good. You get beer? Good. K. See ya." <BR> <BR>She hung up the phone, went out to the plane, checked it all over, and got into the cockpit and put on her headphones.

Not a pilot, but a flight attendent, during the usual spiel, obviously trying to get our attention: "....In the unlikely event of a loss of cabin pressure, masks will drop.... If you are traveling with a small child or someone who just acts like one, please put on your own mask first and then...."

A couple of true ones. <BR>My mother, who was afraid of flying in the first place, was taking off in Boston to visit us in Ca when one of the engines fell off of the wing. The pilot announced "We have had a small technical problem and will be returning to the gate." (She did eventually make it. <BR>When flying to Seattle, the pilot, my brother in law at the time announced that the fuel consumption used during the flight would fuel a Volkswagen to drive from New York to LA xx times(forgot how many he said.) <BR>He also told me that on a number of multi leg flights he, the first and second officers would have a bet that the roughest landing would have to buy them all dinner. <BR>Art <BR>

Last week we pulled to the side and let other planes proceed to the runway for 40 minutes while the pilot "took care of some paperwork". We wondered if he was in the bathroom.

Delta flight from Los Angeles to Hong Kong. Strong winds that day. The pilot announced: We're going to spend a little extra time on the ground to add more fuel so we'll have a BETTER CHANCE of reaching Hong Kong."