I still don't understand why many people find asking for cash instead of gifts inappropriate. It's almost standard for newlyweds to ask for money as a preferred gift here in Switzerland. They use the money for their honeymoon or for purchasing a house.

Our homes aren't that roomy here and many Europeans enjoy travelling more than collecting things.

I asked for money at my wedding and many guests were relieved that they didn't have to ponder over "the perfect gift".

We did receive some wonderful bath and beach towels which I still use today. The money went for building a house.

A typical wedding in Switzerland:

- A church ceremony with one maid of honor and best man. None of this countless bridesmaids stuff. All invited guests attend the ceremony.

- Friends, relatives, colleagues, Turnverein, Mütterverein etc. wait outside the church. As the bride and groom come out, they are congratulated by all the well-wishers. They are all treated to refreshments.

- The official wedding party leave to go on a bus ride, ferry ride, horse and carriage ride or some fun activity.

- They are then treated to a 3-4 course fancy dinner menu with dancing afterwards. The dinner goes on till the wee morning hours.

It's an expensive celebration but lots of fun.

I wonder what a Spanish wedding is like?

Have weddings have become nothing more than shake-downs for cash? You had better pay up or somebody on the groom's side may wack your knee caps.

I thought weddings were about wishing couples well and pledging to support them in their married life, but I guess I was wrong.

For some cultures, cash has always been the acceptable gift. I was shocked the first time I ever saw the Money Dance at a big Italian-American reception but quickly realized it was the norm - and a happy part of their celebration.

"I thought weddings were about wishing couples well and pledging to support them in their married life, but I guess I was wrong."

I'm curious where you come from. In the US going to a wedding has always meant taking a gift -- for generations back. Did you call that a "shakedown" too? Or is it only the idea that if the couple would prefer something practical that it becomes a "shakedown"?

This is from a recent wedding invitation in England.

"We will genuinely be more than happy just to have your company at our wedding and very much appreciate the time and money that many of our guests have spent to join us on our special day.
However some people have expressed a wish to contribute to helping us launch our new married life. With this in mind, we have set up a savings account etc. etc......"

I don't see why this is so complicated (not aimed at Epaulino's question rather all these replies!)...

They asked for cash. Give them cash definitely *in euro* of whatever amount feels right to you... 100-200 I would assume given your relationship to the couple.

I'm sure that I will seem out of touch with reality to some, but I think any mention of gifts, whether it be cash or a registry, to be, as someone put it, mercenary. If the guest wants to know what the couple wants, let them ask.

Perhaps the couple who wants cash should forgo a flashy wedding, have a low-key, tasteful affair and focus on what's important--people enjoying each other's company.

Sorry I seem judgemental on this one. Just because materialism has become mainstream doesn't make it right.

Has anyone cosnidered the possibility that one reason the couple has asked for cash is that is what they need the most; are scared to death of getting a bunch of what they might feel are useless knick-knacks depite the intention with which they were given; are simply trying to make the gift-giving easier for folks (if this latter is true they'd probably be mortified to realize what a "problem" someone has turned it into).

But, that "problem" is obviously a real one for you and only you can decide how much to give them. Hopefully whatever amount will be received with heartfelt thanks and will be given without resentment.

I do not think asking for money means someone is having a "flashy" wedding and that what is happening isn't tasteful, etc.

My niece had the complete opposite of a flashy wedding. She asked for cash or gift certificates for wedding gifts because that is what they needed. They are living in a tiny apartment and don't have room for "stuff". I fought every instinct honed by years of etiquette training and gave them exactly what they asked for.

It can be done. It wasn't "normal" for me, but I love her and I gave her what she asked for.

You guys are right, of course. If the couple is struggling, cash is a very appropriate gift. And I would be the last one to want a lot of "stuff." I just wish there were a delicate way to let the guests know that this is what is preferred.

IRA - Yes, I would be happy to send you a nice juicy check in lire for your Italian honeymoon!!!!LIT 1,000,000 for you and lady love!

I don't know about Spain, but in Italy - couples "register" at travel agencies for their honeymoons. Perhaps, you could find out if this couple has done that. You can make a donation to the honeymoon pot. Usually, $100 is an appropriate amount. Last time I flew to Paris for a wedding, I did not bring a gift and the marraige was over before my 12 montyhs were up.

schuler, in Spain is more or less the same you say about Switzerland. Except that the maid of honor here is called "madrina" and is usually the groom's mother and the best man or "padrino" is the bride's father. Then it comes the lunch or dinner, a big one (usually 4 or 5 courses) and after that a ball, sometimes on a disco but more often with live music at the place where the dinner is held.

Cimbrone - why are you assuming this news wasn't delivered to the OP in a delicate way? I doubt this request was emblazoned on the back of the invitation. How do you know the OP didn't hear this from the family of the couple, upon request? This is the traditional way that registry news is disseminated.

The idea of using important occasions to shakedown family and friends for money, did not originate with me:

Dear Miss Manners:

I have finally graduated from college at the age of 28. My family strongly feels that I should send out graduation announcements to the extended family and friends not only because they are proud of me, but for the monetary gifts that might result.

I, however, am rather embarrassed that it took me so long to graduate and do not want to trumpet the fact to my friends and relatives. I also am uncomfortable with sending out the "plea for money" that graduation announcements seem to entail at my age.

Is it wrong for me to strip my parents of their pride in my graduation by not sending out announcements or is this something that I can quietly sweep under the rug as I would like to do? BTW, my education was paid for entirely by myself so I do not "owe" my parents anything in terms of showing appreciation to them for my education.

<i>You would not be stripping your parents of their pride. Nothing is stopping them from writing letters to everyone they know telling them of your graduation. For that matter, nothing is stopping them from sending around fundraising pleas, if that is what they wish to do.

However, Miss Manners congratulates you, first on your graduation and second on your refusal to use it to shake down others. A graduation announcement is innocent enough in itself, but in this case tarnished by the hopes that would be pinned on it.<i>


</i></i>

Your point?

Wonder where the &quot;wack on the kneecap&quot; originated?

I wonder if that is similar to a whack on the kneecap?

I don't think cash is a very nice gift because it's so blatant, I guess. Also, it involves no thought, and it sort of like saying -- here, it's too much trouble for me to actually think of something you might like or spend any time on it, go buy your own present. So, I don't think it's appropriate for a gift generally, but when you are having to buy a gift for someone you don't hardly know for an occasion other than birthday or something, I can see it sure makes it easier for the guest. So, I'm not as hardline about giving money in some situations, and it really does make it easier (no shopping).

I think the crude part is in demanding it or any gift, and the etiquette is simply that if someone asks you what you might like or most need, then you tell them (after all, they ask). But you don't announce it on the invitation or have anyone tell you up-front what to give.

So, I think it's crude because gifts are supposed to be a little subtler, and when it's just cash, it is very clear exactly how much you spent and it's just an accounting thing, basically (no points for creativity, the thought, etc.).

However, as to the amount -- who knows, it depends on the situation in the family and that social circle, probably. It could depend on all kinds of things we don't know on here (such as if that family has invited you many times to very nice parties or something). It also depends on your income. In my family, $50 might be considered a fine gift because most people in the family circule have fairly modest incomes (and some are what actually would be called poor), but in many, that would be laughable and outrageous.

I know a wedding can cost a lot to put on just for the food if it's a nice event, so if you can afford it, I think $25 would be too little. If it's just the wedding and no reception, I think that's not so bad, actually. It sounds like the OP doesn't even really know this girl getting married very well at all, as the main connection is some business relationship to the parents or friends with the parents, but not the daughter. I don't believe in mixing business and weddings very well, but it sounds like maybe $100 would be okay if you are invited to a reception with food and open bar. I would hope she isn't spending money just to go to this wedding, maybe she is going to be in the general area anyway for other reasons. I wouldn't ever spend a lot of money to travel somewhere for a wedding -- they'd have to be my sister, at least. I wouldn't spend a lot of money on a gift for someone I hardly knew either, regardless of whose daughter they were.

Kendrina: Muchas gracias!

In the immortal words of the coach in Bull Durham... &quot;Candlesticks always make a nice gift.&quot;