This Rick Steves tour includes Pompeii https://www.ricksteves.com/tours/italy/south-italy

>>Janis, looking for Rome, Venice, Milan, Pompeii. This tour is just southern Italy.<<

Yes - I know -- you could do the RS tour and add a couple of days each in Venice (no one needs a tour in Venice) and either Florence or Milan after the tour.

Italy is a great country in Europe. I have some friends there. But honestly didn't meet them yet. Hoping to meet them in 2020. Waiting for the time to come. LOL!

You're not likely to find a package tour that goes exactly where you want to go and doesn't include places you're not interested in.

If you decide on an organized tour that doesn't include Pompeii, you can book a guided day trip to Pompeii while you're in Rome.

>>You're not likely to find a package tour that goes exactly where you want to go and doesn't include places you're not interested in.<<

In fact, unless you take a on-your-own 'non-tour, you are 100% guaranteed to go places that don't interest you and miss some of your musts.

Yet another reason a tour is not a great fit for a 'stubborn' DW.

>>> She seems to have an unfounded fear of foreign countries because she does not know the language, and imagines that they "all hate Americans"
Is this the crux of the matter?
Is it more like believing that a group tour offers a cocooned environment surrounded more by other "English" speaking tourists with minimum exposure to the local people?
I have taken some tours in Europe as a part of a special interest group. In my experience, it is rare that the people's outlook about foreign countries change especially those in your age group and older.

>>> land/sea tour to Alaska which were "group tours" such as Princess. That was good because Princess handled all transportation and resort plus free time to do side trips.
If the first statement the key, then the Princes tour was probably palatable more because most of the time was spent on the ship(cruise?) with other Americans, and someone handling the logistics was a secondary?

Warning about Pompeii. A tour including Pompeii often includes Napoli. I love Napoli for its vitality and heavenly tasting anything southern. However, for many people, especially those who want to stay in a cocooned environment and look at other culture only through a partition, Napoli can be a shock. It can backfire big way and cements her belief about dangerous foreign countries.

If you use a tour group that uses budget hotels capable of housing large groups at same time, they tend to put you up in hotels in blah outskirts away from anything easily reachable. This again can turn her off from foreign travels further.

"Everyone hates Americans" I really don't think this is true. An awful lot of Europeans hate your President and loved your last one. But most Europeans will not bring this up in the first five minutes of a conversation (unless they are taxi drivers) :-) . Interestingly when on the continent I've found some Americans who like to discuss the fact that "everyone hates Americans". I've discussed that with them and the issue is more to do with the fact that a fair few people just don't speak English very well and don't gush and fawn over them (see also tipping which is just another whole culture shock you are in for) and people in service industries are just doing a "job of respect". Don't worry, when some Europeans come to the USA we can be shocked by your "non-payment of staff culture". Rather than going into that here, just search tipping on this site.

I agree with Greg above

Naples is "gritty" there is a fair bit of first world poverty there along with graffiti and rubbish in the streets and the people of Naples are often noisy but then so can be some Americans. Cultures vary around the world

Mark - If you decide to go this route, and I kind of hope you do, I would tack on a few extra nights in Rome at the end of your tour. Your wife's Europe jitters will have all but vanished, jet lag taken care of while in the hands of capable people, and then on to Pompeii from there if that's your desire. This tour ends in Rome, so that's more sensible, methinks...The great thing is that everything is handled for you, so that's a plus for your wife, and the days you're in the various towns you have to yourselves. You can do photography, go to museums, walk the cobblestones... whatever you feel like doing. The guide is there for you to answer any questions, direct you where you wish to go, and so forth.

I have a friend who travels solo all over the world and he did this tour a long time ago, when it was called BB&B, Bed Bus and Board, or something. He still says it was one of his best trips ever. I am not familiar with other companies, so I can't comment on those. But this is not a guided tour, per se, unlike the company's other tours such as the Southern Italy tour suggested above. You've been given lots of advice here; be sure and tell us what you ultimately decide to do!