I'm Leaving my Kids and I Need Your Help
 

I'm leaving my three kids and husband for a week (to Rome and Florence) on a solo trip. Yippee!

I'm starting to worry about how they'll cope without me and I without them, the later part may not be so difficult.... :D

I have a few nervous-nellie questions. This is the first time I've even been away from the kids (unless you count the two nights in the hospital giving birth to the twins)

--how do I prepare the kids for a week without Mom. My boys are a little young to know (18 months), but my daughter is 3.5 and already knows I'm leaving and not happy about it.

--how often should I keep in touch with them and should I call or just email?

--what important info does my DH need to make the week run as smoothly as possible for him? I've told him how I schedule the day (when to feed them, get daughter to preschool, what she eats for lunch)

But I know there is something I'm forgetting so I'm looking for tips or suggestions or personal stories from parents who've left their kids.

Thanks
~M

A few little suggestions.

Ask your daughter to 'help' Daddy to look after her younger siblings if you think this might help her.

Leave treats for Daddy to dish out and praise her for being the big sister.

Arrange a break for DH by having a friend take your daughter for a playdate or even just an icecream.

Do NOT call at bedtime (tired kids...!)

Do call and speak to your husband first... he might provide you some insight into your daughter's mood and something to prompt a conversation like "how was the preschool outing?" rather than a more open ended "how are you".

I'd email every day and plan to call every day or every other day depending on how it goes but keep the calls short.

I traveled a lot on business when my kids were very small. A lot depends on the personalities involved & how capable your husband is. In general I would say follow your instincts and call when you feel you should, leave the written instructions you know he'll need, etc.

For your little girl, ask her what kind of present she wants. Yes, bribery! And do call her every few days. She will need to hear from you, and maybe will cry on the phone (try not to feel bad when she does).

Don't worry too much. They will survive.

i provided "mail treats" everyday for my kids when i left them behind.

the care provider "brings in" the surprise treat envelope everyday from the mailbox.

they were a highlight.

there was a calendar also for them to know when i was coming back.

i suggest FEW phonecalls to your house when they are awake.

if you create tears.. you will be miserable.

enjoy your trip!

highflyer -- I like the treat idea.

Perhaps I could leave her a little card or note to open everyday, so she knows I'm thinking of her? Or wrap the "treat" as a daily gift from me? Is that too much?

And no calling at bedtime. I worry that will be the hardest time for my daughter. Her routine includes cuddling with me...

My Mom helps me out during the week, so I'm sure she can watch the kids and give DH a few hours break.

~M.

LAwoman -- posting at the same time with the same idea - lol.

oops, I meant lincasanova :)

LAwoman -- I'm lucky to have very involved Hubby who always takes the kids when I need a break.

And the crying on the phone is what I most worry about. I already feel a bit guilty for leaving...

And yes, the bribery idea. Always good :)

Don't talk to your daughter about how you will be away for a week and that she might miss you. Making the suggestion will make it the truth.

Don't tell her that you will call every day. If you end up calling every day, that's fine, but don't begin with the expectation or every day will become a waiting game.

Instead, talk about how you will be away and you will know that she will be at home having a great time with Dad and her brothers.

The suggestion that she should help Dad take care of the brothers is good--also that she can help take care of Dad by doing such-and-such for you (telling him "I love you" each morning since you can't be there to do so, reading a book with him, whatever).

Stress what a great and wonderful time she will be having doing unusual things while you are away.

ellenm -- we've talked about how lucky she is because Daddy is to stay home for a whole week and not go to work and she will have so much fun. And she laughs and agrees. But we'll see.

Okay -- I have to get back to the cleaning while the boys nap.

Thanks everyone! I'm starting to feel a bit better already.
~M.

Mebe - you know your kids best! My daughters needed to talk to me. They still do! And, even at the age of 3, they liked to think about & discuss what I might be able to get them at my destination, what sorts of toys and dolls there might be at the stores there, etc.

My parents went away for a week when I was little and they left postcards for us for my grandparents to give us each day... my grandparents would read them to us each night with our bedtime story. I still remember that! It took us years to realise they weren't really sent from England each day :-)

Poor Me. I HAD to travel to Australia for two weeks for work.

Like the others, I left a small present each day for my son to open. Worked like a charm.

Time zone could play into the time you plan to call. But if bed time is stressful, maybe that's the bribery....Let's get in our jammies and tucked into bed so we're ready for Mommy's call....

My son made a game of calling me in Las Vegas every morning before he left for school. He thought it was funny because it was only 4am for me! I was on a work trip. He would tell me all the new things he learned the previous day (kindergarten)

pittpurple - I love it :)

My Mom wen to Sweden for three weeks when I was three, and I still remember the moment when I couldn't picture what she looked like in my head.

G'mommy - poor you, so sorry ;)

When our daughter was just a little older than that, she stayed with her regular day time sitter while we were both away. When I'd call, they'd call her in to talk to us. She'd say hi and then say, I have to run now, we're playing xyz. that's the best answer you can get from a child IMO. You might just be surprised, especially if there's a lot going on while you're gone.

Hello Myra - long time no contact, for which I apologise.

How wonderful that you are getting away for a few days. Don't over-worry, they will be fine without you, and the pre-trip anxiety is always worse than the reality. Just be careful and try not to transfer your anxieties on to Ada. She will miss you, but you have had some good advice here already. The boys will barely notice you are gone, harsh though that seems right now.

Be thankful they are so young - on my last solo trip to Croatia and Bosnia I booked my 3 teens into boarding school for the week. My youngest twin had some serious bullying issues that week, I was desperately trying to calm him over the cell-phone each evening, trying to contact his housemaster, and one day I was in Montenegro and every town I was in, do you think I could find an internet cafe to send frantic emails? Not a chance. But even dealing with that did not spoil my enjoyment of my week away travelling alone. At least you won't have to deal with that sort of thing, and anyway your DH is at home to solve problems.

Can I suggest sending a postcard every day? Maybe more than one if you see a great place in the morning and another later in the day. You only have to write a few lines, and I know they won't arrive until you get home but it gives you a lovely reminder when the postcard arrives and a lovely surprise for Ada and lots to talk about.

By travelling alone, you will inspire your children to most likely do the same, so prepare yourself! My eldest daughter, not 19 for another 10 days, is in Hong Kong right now. She left 3 weeks ago for Bangkok, but had a really bad experience with sexual harrassment on a beach in Ko Samet, so she fled to my cousin in HK, but she plans to return to Thailand, visit Chaig Mai and Cambodia, and then go on to Vietnam for May when she has her visa. She plans to do some voluntary work in Ho Chi Minh City with orphans I think. It is really scary as she is now travelling totally alone as her friends have all disappeared off to other places and meeting up with them will not be easy now.

The thing is, you bring up your children to have roots to grow and wings to fly, so when they do take off, you have to let them.

Good luck Myra, you are a brave and confident woman and you and your family will be fine and stronger for your travels.

Hi Mebe,

I do not have children of my own yet, but I can remember some of my parents' tactics when I was a small child.

My mom used to sing to me at night, so she recorded herself singing some of my favorite songs. My dad and I would play the songs to "listen to Mommy singing."

And I got to open gifts every day. This was such a big hit!! I can still remember some of them, and I am now 29. One was a stuffed pegasus I had long coveted, and another was a soap-making kit. There were some other small things also.

And of course, I got lots of souvineer presents at the end of the trip.

It's funny to remember this because my parents were not big on giving lots of presents in general (compared to my friends' parents). But I can tell you that it helped me out a great deal as a small child.

Also, make sure your husband knows how your daughter likes her hair fixed and can do it. I remember much frustration with my dad because he couldn't do a ponytail or braid. Otherwise, have fun beforehad trying easy styles like headbands.

Have fun!

I agree with not suggesting that she will become sad and miss you. Make it positive for her. Also I would not dwell on it so much beforehand. I wouldn't start talking about it until a few days before the trip, otherwise it takes on enormous proportions.

I used to have postcards already made out to give my son on a daily basis, usually at bedtime and that worked fine, I was told.

I had him make out a list of what he wanted me to buy for him and when I called I would mention the list and how I was coming along on the purchases. He would instruct me again and it was a nice connection.

Have a great time and give your husband some credit! He will enjoy being with the kids too.

Julia -- it's nice to hear from you!

Your advice during the pregnancy and early days was always very appreciated.

I'll have to email you (is it the same address?)a picture of the boys -- they are huge! And like you said, it did get easier. They are an absolute joy.

Can you believe I'm going back to Rome? It was Aaron's idea. Such a lovely man :)

My first solo trip was at age 19. My mother was worried the whole three months. It sounds like your daughter is having quite the adventure.

~Myra

I like the letter ideas. My kids are older. When I go, they have email so I send daily trip reports and updates to their own email address, with pictures. My oldest is going with me this summer to Europe and she and I will send those reports together. I'm also investigating Skype as an option to use with her laptop which has a webcam in it. Then her father and sisters can see us and talk to us.

Yes, same email address and I'd love to see how they have grown!

What a wonderful husband you have. I salute him.

A few other ideas...

friends have made the 'away chain' or 'love links'... where you link little pieces of paper together - she gets to take one off each day at a sleep time (2/day if she still naps). Kids have a hard time understanding napping vs. sleeping and what is a day. The last one will be the day you are home.

Or make little notes and she gets to open one each morning you are gone. Kids love envelopes to open! (or even rig it 'in the mail from mommy') One or two could have small treats (lollipop, Starburst, etc.) or even larger gifts. Maybe even make a few fun scavenger hunts ?

I liked to call. I called about the same time every day. Don't be surprised if they are too busy to talk to you - take that as a sign they are happy ! :)

WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN! I leave a list: Monday: 8:40 - 9:00 arrive Preschool (bag needed with snack), 11:45 - 11:55 pickup. (go through car line)... etc. I know you think it is redundant, but when you are giving DH and Mom information overload, to write everything down is a godsend when they can't remember the details. If they tell you its overkill, just say, "I was afraid I would forget to tell you so I wanted to write it down".

Set up a few playdates in advance so there is something fun for her to look forward to. (unless this would create additional stress).

Have Daddy do a few 'special' things... ice cream, soft pretzel at the mall, go out for breakfast, etc. Even sprinkles on ice cream (or in pancakes) as a treat!

Have a little box filled with things that are for Daddy's back pocket in case of emergency... new crayons, glitter glue, special cereal that you don't normally give her, a new teapot set, a puzzle book or a new book, a new Barbie/ Groovy Girl/Polly Pocket. They are his back pocket tricks in case of bad weather... or something. If they don't get used - awesome! save them for grandma's house.

once you board that plane, don't worry. There are people capable of taking care of your kids. They may not do it your way, but it will get done.

most importantly... have a wonderful trip! read.. sleep in... blow-dry, curl, style your hair without interruption. Sit down in the middle of the afternoon and take a nap...

(can you tell I've been there ?)

I wouldn't schedule a daily call at a certain time from Europe, too many variations may happen and then she will be disappointed. I have been there too!! LOL

I went for 3 weeks with my dad , when my kids were 3, 7 and 9.
The older kids( boys) were fine, I left notes for each day, plus I arranged play dates for 2 or 3 days a week to give my husband and his mother( who moved in to care for kids while I was away and hubby worked) a break. I also arranged other people to do driving to school and preschool( ohter moms, as MIL did not know area) .

I actually had to do a fair amount of preparation for this trip. Lists of favorites and least favorites( food, tv shows, clothes etc) . Schedules ( even hubby had no idea when soccer practice was, or when it was Pizza day at school)

I did not phone everyday, I personally think that stirs kids up,, I believe they will survive with out mommy for a few days. I did phone about 2 or 3 times a week. I also never said anything about sadness, loneliness, or any other suggestive key word, kids are smart and pick up on subliminal suggestions .

I promised my little girl, who was three, a "Princess Tiara" from a castle in France( the Chateau Au Printemps, LOL ) .

I made lists of everything. I made sure pantry was stocked to the roof. I cleaned, cooked and sorted and labeled everything,, in short I earned that holiday.. LOL

My daughter is almost 12 now, she doesn't remember me going away, but she remembers the " crown" .

Hi M,

>'m starting to worry about how they'll cope without me....

When my kids were little, I would make a tape with 5 min talks to the kids about where I was, and what I was doing and leave it at home to be played to them each night.

((I))

I left my daughter little notes all over the house (on her mirror, in the drawer with her toothbrush, in her backpack. . . .) just telling her that we love her and to have a wonderful time with her grandparents while we were gone. I also did the gift thing -something to open every day we were gone to help "ease the pain." I also set up playdates in advance to give the grandparents a break and my daughter a fun afternoon with a friend. Don't worry - the kids will be fine (if it's anything like when we were little and my mom went out of town leaving us with dad we loved it - we got McDonalds and/or cereal for dinner!! What a treat!)

A friend of mine had a great idea - she made a booklet of their itinerary with pictures and stories about the places they were visiting for the grandparents to read to the kids every day so the kids could see what their parents were doing each day.

mebe - congratulations on taking this trip. i'm sure you will have a great time!

on the phone calls home, you will probably want to play it by ear. my boys have had different reactions each time my husband or i have been away. mostly, they are like JulieVikmanis' daughter - not all that interested in talking because, hey, they are having fun. but on one or two times we've been away, they've dissolved into tears when we called home. in those instances, we stopped calling because our phone calls made them (and us) terribly sad (though of course they were otherwise fine).

I finally have a moment to respond.

Okay, I think I got it:

1. write notes/postcards for daughter to read everyday. And a little gift for her to open.

2.only talk about how much fun she will have with Dad

3. give DH detailed daily schedule to help him get through the day

4. call often but do not promise a time or day. Talk to DH and maybe to daughter, but not at bedtime

5. Bribe with promise of gifts.

6. Stop feeling guilty about "abandoning" the kids because they won't remember it anyway. :)

Did I forget something?

This is probably a subject for another post or researching past posts -- but with all this calling, do I need to bring my cell phone? Will an internation phone card be enough?

Thanks again!
~M.

One reason to bring along a spouse!
I trained mine early. He understands the importance of me and my first cup of coffee!

It was actually very nice. In Como last year he would get up early, search for a nice cafe and bring back a pastry and coffee for his wife who liked to sleep in....

I wish my Hubby could come with me, but someone has to watch the kids.

And I am looking forward to being solo for the first time, in a very long time.

Mine also makes my coffee in the morning. A very good quality in a man :)

Can't add to the great suggestions you've already gotten. Just wanted to give you one word of caution:

Don't be surprised if your daughter and/or twins are "mad" at you when you return. My son has a hard time whenever I leave him (even as he gets too old for that now). When he was five, we went on a business trip to Paris and my parents took care of the kids. When they met us at the airport upon the return, our son showed no excitement and basically "dissed" us at first. I was so disappointed as you look forward to those reunions. But I realized that he just wanted me to know that he was mad at me. It passed within hours....but check your expectations.

mebe,

Good suggestions from all posters before me. I especially agree with txtree--don't be upset/offended if your kids don't want to talk to you when you call. I often travel solo internationally for business (well, pleasure the last time), and sometimes my kids were like that.

Your older one may understand there are different countries in the world. You can roughly brief your daughter where you're going ("Mommy is going to a place called Italy. I'm going to take two planes, and will be on the airplane for almost a whole day"), and tell her what kind of things you expect to see (something a young child can relate to). You can put a sticker in a plastic placemat with a world map.

I also try to bring some food and cook for the family upon return, so that they can "share" your experience.

As for a more practical side, what I found useful were:

* think of lining up a back-up help (relatives, friends) in case your husband needs some help.

* excellent idea about writing down routines, things-to-do list, playmate list, etc. I try to make things as easy as possible--cooking and freezing casseroles, soup, dinners etc.

* make sure you call your husband to let them know your flights arrived safely. Rent a mobile (if yours don't work in Europe) so that there's a way they can call you in case they need to. (In my last trip, my son cut his chin badly and needed a stitch. I was really tempted to cut my trip short, but DH handled very well, also thanks to a nurse friend who provided assurance.)

And most importantly, enjoy the trip!

I forgot about being mad.

I have a trip calendar on the fridge that has my day-to-day stuff written down. I think I'll make one for DH and write down which days are preschool days, the day G'ma is coming over to help, the day he can go visit his parents,....and then my daughter can help him put and "x" through each completed day. I did that for her when he had to go away for a week, and she seemed to like that.

I think I will have to bring my cell phone and get on of those internationsl SIM cards. I know nothing about using cell phones internationally -- time to start researching!

Just go.

The more you make of it, the more miserable everyone will be.

Tell them you're leaving, you're coming back, and that you'll miss them.

Then say Goodbye and go.

Send a postcard.

Your family will get along just fine without you for a week.

I have babysat my nephew several times while his parents have taken trips, starting when he was 18 months (he is almost 4 now). My sister also has him a lot on her own while her husband travels for business.

My nephew doesn't handle phone calls from his parents so well when they're gone. The calls make him sad and he would say over and over (for at least an hour) "I want my mommy" after he got off the phone with them. If he didn't know they called, he was perfectly fine.

Even when my sister was home with my nephew while my BIL was traveling, he would become upset (sad) when his dad called to talk to him.

So while on your trip I would try speaking with your husband first and see if he thinks she would be ok with talking with you. The next time you call you can ask him how she handled it after getting off the phone with you.

But don't worry, your family will be ok. Enjoy your trip.

oops, didn't clarify - by "she", I was meaning your daughter, who you said already seems sad about your trip.

You can give your daughter her own picture of you to have when you're gone. Also show her a picture of her (and the twins also!) that you will be taking with you.

Myra:

Think of it this way, if you will....the step you're about to take is a most sensible one (it's part a necessary health insurance program, for you!)...it will go a long way in getting your children to understand that there are times when their daddy or mommy (or both) will be going away on a trip to Europe/Asia/SA/ etc.

(***To balance the scales, over we also took the kids on family trips around the country, even an eight week camper trip, L.A. through the midwest, south, Washington DC, New England and Montreal Expo in '67)

We did this from the time the kids were in preschool, grammar school and on into later years...now they are all grown and married with children of their own, and are all doing the same thing. We "used" grandparents, aunts, mature recommended sitters, and also had some reciprocal agreements with friends that all turned out very well, etc.

It's going to seem like a natural and expected thing to your children as they get older, rather than spring it on them when the oldest is a pre-teen. Be prepared, she may even cheer at that time!

Go, and enjoy every minute...fretting about the kids won't help at all....we'll be thinking good thoughts about you, knowing from vast experience that all will turn out well...they'll cope...you'll cope!

Just keep thinking...Italy solo for a week...yahooooo!

stu t.

Yes, to Chepar (and others earlier on who commented on this). The 'phone call home from Mommy thing' is a real mixed blessing. It can leave BOTH parties feeling shaken if it doesn't go really well.

You already have lots of great advice, but from one mom to another (and a mother of 3 too) I'd like to pass along some advice from my FIL. He always says the second you get home, "it is like you never left." In truch, it is such a blip in their busy little lives, but a lifetime memory for you. Enjoy! I think it is great you are doing that.

I always leave my kids pictures of me and my DH to look at while we are gone. They are older now though and can count the days. I make a little chain for them and they rip off a piece each day. Each day they read about a fun surprise or activity from us. It might be fun for your almost 4 year old.

Good luck!

Hubby and I read all the posts last night over a glass of wine.

I think my daughter will be fine. It might even be good for her and help her bond more with Dad (she is very much a "mama's girl" )

Thanks again for all the great ideas. I always feel more relaxed when I feel prepared.

~M.