Fodor's Travel Talk Forums - Additional humor to lighten things up

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as "squawks", submitted by QUANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. P = the problem logged by the pilot S = the solution and action taken by the engineers -------------------------------- - ---------------- P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft. P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid. S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S. Live bugs on backorder. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear S: Evidence removed. P: DUE volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're there for! P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windscreen S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search, P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with words. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.