Gee, Rex, I didn't realize it was a competition. Thanks for acting as self-appointed judge!

BC

Speaking of lawyer jokes, a lawyer friend has a t shirt that says "If you think talk is cheap try hiring a lawyer".

An American, a Mexican, a Brit and a Frenchman are flying in a plane together. The plane begins to have engine trouble and the pilot runs out of the cockpit, yells "the plane is going to crash!" and jumps out of the plane with one of only 2 parachutes aboard. The passengers stand around the door of the watching in disbelief as the pilot's parachute opens.

Slowly their eyes move towards the remaining parachute. As the first engine quits, the Brit, with a stiff upper lip, shouts "God save the Queen!" and jumps out of the plane in self-sacrifice.

As the second engine quits, the Frenchman gallantly yells, "vive la France!" and jumps out of the door leaving the American and Mexican and the parachute behind.

As the plane begins to lose altitude, the American straightens his back, shouts "remember the Alamo!" and throws the Mexican out the door.

Thanks for all the laughs. It has been a rough week and a very BAD day but laughing helps!!!

DRJ, your friend's Tshirt reminds me of a sign that was on the wall at my former car repair shop:

If you think a good German mechanic is expensive, try a bad German mechanic.

I'm bound to be flamed for this, but here goes:

A man and a woman are seatmates on a cross country flight. The guy strikes up a conversation by asking her why shes traveling.

She says that she is going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in L A.

So he asks which national or ethnic group is the most powerful lover. She responds than American indians are by far the best.

He follows by asking which have the best stamina, to which she responds: "Oh, Jewish men, of course."

He then asks about which are the most gentle and considerate, and she says: "Southern gentlemen are the most caring."

She then says: "I've told you all these secrets and I don't even know your name."

"Oh, I'm Tonto Goldberg, but my friends call me Bubba"

Nukesafe: Hillarious!

Here's one I heard today:

A businessman was in a great deal of financial trouble. His business was
failing. he had put everything he had into the business. He owed everybody.
It was so bad that he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to his Rabbi and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the Rabbi said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge. Sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible. The wind will riffle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a single page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer; that will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the Rabbi and brought his wife
and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife
was in a mink coat. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money
out of his pocket and gave it to the Rabbi as a donation in thanks for his
advice.

The Rabbi recognized the benefactor, and was curious, "You did as I
suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages riffle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely"

"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."

Speaking of T-shirts... yesterday I asked my husband to meet me at the bus stop after work to help, and he showed up in a T-shirt saying:

MY WIFE HAS AN OPENED MIND

(and a mouth to match)

And in Portland my partner bought a t-shirt which says "Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional."

And speaking of Rabbis...

A poor man comes to a Rabbi complaining his family has only 1 room, children are born, and the room is too small, but they don't have money to get a bigger house. The rabbi asked if they have a goat. Yes, the goat is in the yard.

"Bring the goat in, and come back in 3 days". "But, Rabbi, we don't have enough space for us, how can we bring the goat in?" "Do what I say and come back in 3 days"

3 days later the same man at the Rabbi's house complaining even louder that the goat jumps everywhere, breaks everything, bumps into everybody. "Take the goat out in the yard and some back in 3 days" says the Rabbi.

3 days later the same man at the Rabbi's house. "How are the things now?" "Oh, dear Rabbi, I am so greatful! We are so glad the goat is out, suddenly we are not crowded!"

Good Laughs!

Here goes:

Pat and Sean went on a brewery tour. The tour went on and on and both boys were getting bored. Finally they came to the room where they kept the large vats of Beer.
Pat say's to Sean " Hey lets stay behind and peak into the beer vats!" So the tour continues and Pat and Sean wait and then sneak a peak into the vats.
When Sean looks in he slips and falls into the vat and drowns!!!
Poor Pat now goes to tell Seans wife what happened. "Oh Mrs. O'Leary I do not know how to tell you this but poor Sean died on the brewery tour!!"
"What! (The widow O'leary wails) "How did it Happen??"
Well he climbed up the ladder, looked into the beer vat, slipped and Drowned!!
Oh! Glory be to Jesus! I guess the poor soul never had a chance!!"

With that Pat says " Well, actually he had two chances......He came our twice to take a Pee!!

JOHN

An Orthodox Jewidh man goes to see his Rabbi.

"Rabbi, my son has become a Christian. What can I do"?

"Oy, I had the same problem. My son also converted. Let's go into the synagogue and ask G-d for guidance".

In they go before the Ark of the Torah.

The Rabbi prays, "Dear G-d our sons
have become apostates. Please tell us what to do".

After a few minutes, there is a cloud of blinding light, and a Voice from above says, "Oy, I had the same problem".

((I))

A Jewish family invited their gentile neighbors for holiday dinner.

The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced, "This is matzoh ball soup."

On seeing the 2 large yellow matzoh balls in the soup, the Gentile man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently, the Jewish couple pressed the Gentile man. "Just have a taste. If you don't like it, you don't have to finish it."

Finally he agrees. He digs his spoon in, first picking up a small piece of matzoh ball with some soup in the spoon, and tasting it gingerly. The usual "mmmmmmm" sound can be heard coming from somewhere deep in his chest, and he quickly finished the soup.

"That was delicious," he said. "Can you eat any other parts of the matzoh?"

Ah a second day of chuckles, thank you dear ones. It took me a "minute" to get your Faina's, I am a bit mentally slow today obviously, LOL.

Faina that was way too funny.

Just what we need today and in the days to come. Lots of Laughs. Helps to confuse the tears.

A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.

Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress:

"My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."

The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."

If this relates to travel its a relatively short trip:

A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doc, I haven't felt well for some time, what can I do?"

"You know, you don't look well. I don't think you're getting enough excersize. Walk a mile a day for a month and call me."

A month goes by and the man calls the doctor.

"Well, how do you feel after the excersize?"

"Doc, I don't feel any better."

"I don't like the looks of this. You'd better com to the office right away."

"I'd like to, Doc, but I'm thirty miles away."

(Thanks to Garrison Kielor.)

Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.

"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

Heavenly Father, look down on us , your humble tourist
servants who are doomed to travel this earth, taking
photographs, mailing postcards, buying souvenirs and
walking around in drip-dry underwear.

We beseech You, Oh Lord, to see that our plane is not
hijacked, our luggage is not lost and our overweight
baggage goes unnoticed. Protect us from surly and
unscrupulous taxi drivers, avaricious porters and
unlicensed English-speaking guides.

Give us this day divine guidance in the selection of
our hotels, that we may find our reservations honored,
our rooms made up and the hot water running from the
correct tap if at all. We pray that the telephone
works, that the operator speaks our tongue and that
there is no telegram waiting from our children which
would force us to cancel the rest of the trip.

Lead us, Dear Lord, to good inexpensive restaurants
where the food is superb, the waiters friendly and the
wine included in the price of the meal. Give us the
wisdom to tip correctly in currencies we do not
understand. Forgive us for undertipping out of
ignorance and overtipping out of fear. Make the
natives love us for who we are and not for what they
can screw out of us.

Grant us the strength to visit museums, cathedrals,
palaces and castles listed as "musts" in guidebooks,
and if perchance we skip a historic monument to take a
nap after lunch, have mercy on us, for our flesh is
weak.

For husbands only:
Dear God, keep our wives from shopping sprees and
protect them from bargains which they neither need nor
can afford. Lead them not into temptation for they
know not what they do.

For wives only:
Almighty Father, keep our husbands from looking at
foreign women and comparing them with us. Save them
from making fools of themselves in cafes and
nightclubs. Above all please do not forgive them their
trespasses for they know exactly what they do.

Together:
And when our voyage is over and we return to our loved
ones, grants us the favor of finding willing audiences
and a sympathetic ear for our stories, so that our
lives as tourists shall not have been in vain.

Amen

My last Garrison Kielor:

Guy goes to the doctor and says: "Doc, I don't feel well."

What seems to be the problem?"

"I find it difficult to talk about,
Doc."

"I know, its about sex, isn't it. Well, you've come to the right place. I have two options for you. First, you can undergo psychiatric therapy for probably six months and it'll cost about $25,000 or you can get an operation that will leave you in pretty poor condition for a few months and it'll be about the same cost. Now, this is an important decision and I want you to seriously talk this over with your wife and get back to me tomorrow." The next day the doctor receives a call:

"Doc, I talked this over with my wife."

This is a very important decision, which therapy have you chosen?"

"We're going to redo the kitchen."