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5 Things I Would Rather Do Than Go to Disney in a Pandemic

But know the list doesn't end here.

Despite protests from employees nervous about returning to work in the midst of a pandemic in a state seeing an alarming increase in COVID-19 cases, Disney World is pushing forward, planning to reopen in July. While some Disney-diehards might be on the edge of their seat awaiting the moment they can once again wait in hour-long lines behind damp people (is it sweat or did they just step off Splash Mountain?) to pose with college students in costumes, I cannot say that I feel the same. The park, somehow charging full priced admission, is soon to be the world’s largest petri-dish. The plague was blamed on the rats, well, we’ll look back and blame this second waves on the mice.

While Disney might be implementing procedures to “ensure” your health, we reserve the right to question just how safe a city-sized theme park that sees thousands upon thousands of visitors a day can really be. So, while I’m here to say that Disney World is something I will be avoiding like the plague (coronavirus?), I want to explain to you just how little interest I have in visiting the World’s Germiest Place on Earth, and I’ll get you there by letting you know all of the horrible things I’d rather do.

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PHOTO: Courtesy of the Downtown Hotel
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Drink One of These Disgusting Drinks

Fodor’s found some of the most intensely upsetting drinks in the world. The list includes the likes of alcoholic beverages such as baby mouse wine and whale testicle beer, otherwise known as disgusting and undrinkable. But you can guarantee I would pour myself a glass full of either of these before I stepped a toe inside of Mickey’s Magically-Horrid Kingdom. Get close and personal with a bunch of strangers on Magic Mountain or drink glass upon glass of oyster stout? I’m choosing the latter.

PHOTO: Christian Hinkle/Shutterstock
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Swim in Any Midwestern River

Something all Midwesterners will acknowledge but never advertise is that our rivers are less than clean—you can’t be an agricultural hub and not expect runoff. In some situations (ahem, Chicago) the rivers are so tainted that simply getting the water in an open wound could mean a trip to the doctor. Luckily, I have no open wounds. Whether it be the Ohio or the Chicago, I would prefer splashing around in either polluted river to boarding the now infected Splash Mountain.

PHOTO: Lolostock/Shutterstock
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Eat Something Off the Ground

I’m not talking five-second rule, this has been on the ground for hours. It’s been sitting on the sidewalk under the hot sun, but I’m picking it up and taking on big bite out. Will my stomach hate me for it? Yes. But will I end up in the hospital in need of a lung transplant? Nope! So, we’re eating lunch à la ground.

PHOTO: Jan Cejka/Shutterstock
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Walk Barefoot Across Hot Coals

Let’s be honest, I don’t even enjoy the beach on a hot day because I find the hot sand underneath my feet to be unbearable. A series of quick hops to the water is the only way to find any respite, and yet I’d rather endure something worse–the dreaded hot coal walk. Someone prepare my burning walkway, because blistered soles and a week of elevated feet and burn creams is something I think I’d prefer to the high-temperatured individuals who have decided that riding It’s a Small World is their right.

PHOTO: Osugi/Shutterstock
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Sit on a Train’s Wet Seat

We all know the one, the spot everyone is avoiding. Each cart always has that single seat that’s just, for no apparent reason, wet. Did someone just come from a swim or, more likely, did we have a pants-peer on board? While this is something I would typically avoid, I think I could handle sitting in a damp seat for a few stops if it meant avoiding Disney mid-pandemic. Is it something I want to do? No. Is it something I would rather do? 100% (we’re tossing those pants once we get home).

Lorrenwest123 July 18, 2020

In this world of chaos, I thought this article was quite humorous. I enjoyed laughing. Disney World is an incredible place. Blessed we all have free will to choose. 😎

lnelson July 14, 2020

Total agree that you have forgotten what we hire you to do, which is report on exciting places to travel...period.  Who even wrote this awful Disney attack?  No one wanted to add their name?  I to will go elsewhere for my information.  :(

everettebeach2787 July 11, 2020

I have cancelled my subscription to your magazine - in the past few months you have found yourselves unable to produce travel articles and instead only write articles that push your political views. I can get thaat crap elsewehere, I wanted trevel info from Fodors, but since I can't get it, I'll go somewhere else.