what's your choice: relocate to family, or to town with friends?
 

Hello,

I have written before for relocation help and got great advice. Now I am ready to make a decision and would really love your advice again.

My question is: What would you do? Move back to a town that you once lived, and continue to love. There are still the same friends that you miss and miss you. They have children now the same age as your own. The life you really want is pretty close to perfect their.

Or,

Move back to the state and area where you can live close to family again. The area is not really what you want, but can manage to see the good and adjust.

We live in Pensacola, Fl and will relocate again this summer. Hopefully for the last time. Our family lives in South Florida ( HOllywood and Pembroke pines area). We left that area eight years ago and are now in our third city. We used to live in Peoria, IL for almost five years and made great friends that we still talk to and miss. We loved the fall weather and midwestern way of life. We are hesitant to go back due to it's location being so far from family. We really just don't know what to do. My husband can go back to Catipillar or get a new job in S. fl with no problem. We thought about North carolina or Virginia, but concluded we would be right back where we started. In a new town with no friends or family. We really want that in our lives. Both places have good and bad things about them. We just can't decide what things should carry more weight when making the decision. Anyway, sorry to go on and on. Just curious what you would do.

Thanks so much,
Kathy

I would not move to be closer to family or friends because what if they move?

I would move to an area that I loved that would allow us the best quality of life.

Kathy, you might find that you have little in common with old friends. I'm 45 and have found that to be true. I rarely see any of my high school or college friends. As for family, I have found that distance is good most of the time. My mother, who can irritate my wife to some degree on most occasions, lives 45 minutes away and my wife is grateful for that. My know-it-all spinster sister-in-law irritates my wife a great deal (S-I-L is the older sister) but happily lives 400 miles away so her visiting is limited. I have found that I am happiest being around the friends I have made in mature life. Just a thought.

I think the age of your parents is important. I have cared for elderly parents for many years who live down the street and I cannot imagine dealing with this situation if I lived out of state.

Wonderful friends in Illinois can always be visited or they can come to Florida. Being from south Louisiana, I personally couldn't handle the snow!

I agree with DownSouth. I have been taking care of my parents for a few years now, and that, to me, is more important than being around friends. Fortunately for me, I still have my best friends living in this same area. But even if they didn't, I can make friends anywhere. And I have friends that live in other areas of the country and world, so we all enjoy visiting each other every once in a while.

In previous posts didnt state you hated Florida? I definietly wouldnt move back there if I felt that way. If you hated it in the past I am sure you will hate it more since its more crowded and alot more expensive...especially south Florida!

Our parents are very healthy and active, so not a problem. Yes, Florida is not my favorite place. But I don't know if we will find our favorite place. We are so discuraged we just thought that if we at least had friends or family, the rest would fall into place. We are scared to make another wrong move. We don't know how to find our spot without numerous job interviews or endless trips that may lead nowhere.

Start with this:

http://www.findyourspot.com/

It may help.

Thanks for the site. I have been there already and Illinois and Florida are not on the list. Southern states are. I like South and North Carolina, Virginia and Tennessee. Those were on the list.

There isn't enough family in the world to make me live somewhere that is not the right place for me. I lived in FL for 22 years while my family was in PA - moved back only as a transition to spend a little bit of time with them before moving out west somewhere. While I enjoy my family, I IHATE HATE HATE this area. I hate winter, I hate the high taxes; fashion and home decor are stuck in the 1980s... So I am moving...alone...starting over in a place that I love...

One advantage of living in the same town as family is that you can see them as often as you like but you never have to have them as house guests. If family members do not get along, it is much easier to tolerate each other for a couple of hours at a family cook out than for several days under one roof.

I'm with GoTravel on this one. I wouldn't move just for the sake of being close to family or friends. If I had the opportunity to move I'd go someplace that pleased me and my spouse and not worry how close or far away it might be to others be they friends or family. You can always make new friends and as GeorgeW pointed out you may not necessarilly re-connect with your "old friends". As for family, it's nice being close by but being seperated is no big thing. In this day and age it's pretty easy to travel anywhere in the USA for a visit. Choose a location that make you happy, the rest will come naturally.

I agree, I think you should follow your heart..and if I had family I do not enjoy so much (and I do) I personally would much rather see them for a few days a year than at a BBQ every week or month. Makes me appreciate them more when I am not around them, then by the time the visit is over, I am ready to go. good luck with your decision. If I HAD to choose one of the two scenarios you presented I would say the midwest.

DH and I moved to S. TX from Maryland 16+ years ago and in 3-4 years we will be free agents and able to move wherever we choose. My first reaction is to move back to where the family is and although I would love to live closer to them the ultimate decision on where we end up will be based on the best job opportunity DH can find as well as a climate we can both agree on--I love the cold, he loves the heat. It's a tough decision and I wish you all the best.

I would ask

Dear Abby
Annies Mailbox
Dr Phil
Ask Amy

or any other advise column. This ain't about travel, it's about your relations and indecisiveness.

Thanks rbtraveler ATyahoo, how very kind of you. If you don't like my topic, then don't reply.

I don't think anyone here can make this decision for you. I certainly don't live in the place I love the most, but I do not dislike where I live, either. I am happy that my children have a good and close relationship with their grandparents, uncle, aunts and cousins. You can't create this in a place far from everyone.

Neither my husband and I are super close to our families, but it is nice for our kids to know their relatives. We don't live next door to each other, but close enough to get together a few times every month or so. (Plus, they help babysit for us! I don't have any friends who would watch my kids for a WEEK while my husband and I get away by ourselves!)

I figure we live here now, and when we're older we can move where we want. I have a friend who moved to Colorado (where I would love to move). Almost every holiday they spend without family b/c it is expensive and time consuming to always fly back home. She gets very lonely and misses the same relatives she used to complain about all the time.

One thing to add is that my parents travel all the time so it would be impossible to move near them.

They are currently wintering in the Florida Keys.

Hmmn....now there's a thought.....

sillybilly,

Maybe your parents are healthy now, but that won't last forever. If you don't have other siblings or relatives in the area, are you prepared to help them long distance when the time comes? That usually isn't possible. If you are torn now between friends and family, I would say move near your family. I have an 82 year old Mother who would be lost without family living nearby.

Where will you feel right? Is social life a big deal? What specific things do you want to do? Where are they available? Is there a location where you will feel happy to do nothing except breathe the air? If so, that's the place to go.

Why did you leave home in the first place? That may tell why that city is or is not right now.

Make a list of everything pro and con. Then pick the place that fits the list.

Parents may or may not need care. Waiting for that to happen seems sad and depressing.

Wanting to spend time with parents and family and have a good time is different. However, remember, they may have hectic lives and little time to share even if they love you and want to see you. "Life" gets in the way of what we want many times. Will there really be lots of time to spend with family (old city) or friends (newer city with kids of friends same age)? Missing is not the same as making time.

Don't romanticise either place.

Is it possible to spend a week at both places (not a vacation, a week of looking at everything available with a logical view - like a new city)?


My best advice is to bond with the new place.

Best wishes for a great move.

sillybilly
We moved back home after being gone 17 years. We are very happy with our decision. Many family members we do not see but once every few months but for the first time since our kids have been married, we are a real part of their life. We go to all the grandchildrens sports events, we have dinner either at their house or ours at least once a week, they are our best friends and I love the grandkids busting thru the door and heading to the frig where they know they will find their favorite snacks. I love being part of family and it is so great being back home! From a grandparent's point of view, maybe your parents would love having your children be part of their life. There's a big difference between visiting family and living in the same area with family.

Good luck with your decision, it is tough.

I am a lucky girl. I live in the same town as my brothers and their families, in fact down the street from one of them. My dad lives here 6 mos and in Fl for 6 mos, We have a great group of friends, many as close as family. Sometimes I say I live in Cleaverland. I guess I should say its a Rave! It would be really hard to relocate, although we expect to buy a winter place closer to our retirement years to get away from the usually harsh Buffalo winters. That being said, if I were faced with relocation, I would choose a place that offered the most in terms of my childrens future...education, jobs, activities, housing, affordability, etc.
Good luck with your decision.

Thank you all so much for all your input. You have given me some great things to think about. We really get along with our families very well, and I know they really want us to move back. Every time I think about it and how it would be raising my small kids down there I get hesitant. I guess that means we should steer clear of S. Florida. When I think about raising my kids in the midwest, it feels better. Nice neighborhoods, small town feel, Great weather, pumkin patches in the fall. I think my biggest problem with the midwest, Peoria in particular, is that there isn't much there to offer my kids in their future, and the distance. We visited Charlottesville, VA back in November and just loved it. We had the mountains that we love and beautiful surrounding areas. DC is not that far if we wanted to take the kids. The University was a great bonus. The problem is that we don't know anyone and it seems to get harder to make good friends the older you get. I guess I should try not being so fearful. We really just want to get it right. My husband is just going to have to pick our favorite places we think we will enjoy and interview at companies and go from there.

silly-i've been to Peoria...BIL worked for Cat. I cant say I would rush to move there. For fun, we went to watch whippets and greyhounds run. The economy seemed so dependent on CAT too. My SIL and BIL moved in and out of Peoria three times as my BIL took overseas assignments. Each time they had a hard time selling their house and ended up carrying the expenses of two homes for a few months. I think the opportunities in FL or VA would be much better in the long run. YOu mentioned you had young kids. There's no better time or way to meet people than when your kids are young. You can meet people in schools, pre-schools, religious schools or churches, synagogues, kids sports, dance, other activities your kids participate in.

Hope this helps.

Virginia, on the whole has a pretty good school system.

Don't plan on a location for your kids future because won't they move away for college?

Mine would have rather been shot than stay in their hometown for university.

You need to have a heart to heart with your husband about this.

The two things I would absolutely want to consider would be the school districts and REAL quality of your family life as your kids are young yet and you have a lot of years before they are gone.

Which area offers these agendas' best? What kind of schooling for them, plus commutes or jobs that will give you choices to be WITH your kids and each other.

Later might be a different story. You can not believe the nightmares some of my peers have gone through taking care of "healthy" parents in another state- one without any warning. Life may throw you some real curves, but you can do the best by making your own house situation the best for viable family life.

Few families can manage their own perfect scenarios, but only you can know your own true feelings. Your husband as well- you must be truthful with each other. You don't want to please him and then be resentful. Have I seen it happen both ways.