stuck in vacation rut
 

i didnt know if i should try and post this because people get so mad but i am packing up to go on a vacation trip again with my husband, 3 kids, and his parents. at any point in the week - at beach - any number of his relatives may or may not show up. i will end up cooking and cleaning and looking after everybody's kids. i feel like a maid and my husband has no clue. he's off playing golf everyday. i know this isn't dear abby but does anyone else have this problem and how do you manage?

Whenever my husband takes off with the "boys" when we're on vacation, I casually say, "Have fun on your boys day out. By-the-way, so and so and I will be taking our "girls day out" tomarrow. You may want to plan something for the kids and you to do." Usually this wakes him up and he doesn't go or he realizes his selfishness and I do get a girls day out!

What happens when you don't do that stuff? Have you ever tried just not doing it? Its your vacation, too, so try not to be the house mother for everyone and see what happens. Certainly they aren't forcing you to do this stuff, you need to say NO every now and then.

complicated family situation with very loud, overbearing relatives. my husband is the quietest and just wants to keep peace as i do. i might try the girls day thing but i got to choose my place and time. easily offended people but if anyone puts their foot down, it will have to be me, i guess. i would just like a day on the beach with just me and my suntan lotion without kids or others. maybe i need a solo vacation. thanks for the encouragement.

OK, this is what I would do... find out ASAP if there is a spa close to your beach retreat...(close can be any where from 5 minutes to 2 hours away) Book yourself in there for a day (or 2 or 3 of pampering) and let your husband know that you are off to the spa!

Jenni <BR> <BR>Go to the beach. I can relate to having trouble managing a lot of visitor, etc. and feeling as if you must do everything. For me - this comes from a desire to 'make peace' and also to be/do everything perfectly. So - go to the beach (or spa - or whatever). Don't cook and clean up for everyone. If you don't cook and others are hungry they will figure out how to make something. Even a little kid can make a pb&j. Same goes with cleaning up after others - just let it go. If the mess doesn't bother them don't let it bother you. Remember, this is supposed to be your vacation too. I don't think it is even necessary to explain yourself or tell others what you will/will not do - just do it. Hope it goes well.

Sounds like a communication problem - if your husband has no clue, talk with him about it. Post a chores list on the fridge, have the kids and the husband choose one - leave some blanks and maybe your guests will surprise you.

I think I would try a different vacation once in a while. I would go farther away and not invite any of them (including his parents) to join you. It isn't a vacation if you are waiting on everyone. It is easy to just say don't do it, but I am also a people pleaser and find it is easier to just go where they aren't. I do plenty of entertaining at home. Also, you must talk to your husband about this and get it across to him that you don't get a vacation if you have to entertain all the relatives - especially if he is golfing all day and doesn't help. Good luck!!

hi jenni, <BR> <BR> I long ago learned that I am not a people pleaser. I adore my family, and would do anything for them, however I am not June Cleaver, a quote I annouce fairly often. My husband always groans about a new vacation spot I have conjured. However, 99% of the time, he loves it. And , if he dosen't, oh well, too bad for him. He'll get over it or not.

People can only take advantage of you if you let them. If you are too timid to tell your relatives NO. When your husband takes off to do his own thing the thing for you to do is take your own kids and take off to do your own thing. Leave the relatives there to fend for themselves, and I'm sure they will do just fine. <BR>

I agree that you shouldn't cook for everyone else. If your kids want lunch, make theirs. When the other kids ask for something, politely say, I'm sure if you ask YOUR mother she will take care of your lunch for you. (just an example for other situations too.) <BR> <BR>And don't feel bad about saying that. We have neighbors who let their kids play in our yard, with our toys and on our patio anytime they want, whether or not we're out - drives me crazy. These kids always ask for snacks and to use our bathroom while their home is right next door. I used to bring out snacks for our kids and them a lot, but now I often tell them your home is very close, and if you're hungry I'm sure your mom can get you something. I know they are well fed, they've just become mooches, come to expect that I'll provide for them if they ask. That's what people do, use you if you let them. Don't be used. If they think you're a --tch too bad. They are far worse for using you. Stand up for yourself, enjoy your vacation, and don't worry about what they think! <BR> <BR>Actually, I think the advice about vacationing farther away from everybody so they won't show up is great advice, as is the GIRLS activity. And, I don't necessarily think you should take the kids, tell your husband he's in charge of them when it's your turn to go out!!

hi-I think the chores idea is EXCELLENT! I'm going to the beach with friends later this summer, and that's how we're working it- everyone cooks one night, and cleans up another night. Other duties (trash, groceries, etc.) are divided. <BR> <BR>My Mom used to HATE our vacations for the same reasons you do...so unless you speak up, it's not going to change. good luck!

When it comes time for lunch, just announce "our family is going out", or "we're ordering pizza, do you want to throw $10 in the pot?" If the meal is made at your home-away-from-home, either wait until someone else is hungry enough to do it for themselves, or take the bull by the horns & say "would you all please give me a hand? I need someone to get the burgers ready, make the salad, etc." <BR>Then smile brightly when cleanup time comes & say "Would you mind? We decided to take turns helping & guess who's turn it is?" If they don't get the hint, just be nicely honest and tell them you came to relax, just as they have, and if everyone helps you can visit & have fun at the same time!

NOT doing the chores is passive aggressive. When the dinner is done, just ask someone for a hand with the dishes.

As my friends and I say a family vacation for moms is "The same job different location!" but , that said I don't think that means taking care of a dozen other relatives and their kids! Try to talk to your husband before you go about expectations and try to plan a day to yourself. if you have to hire a sitter to help out then do that. remember you are on vacation and don't need to be Martha Stewart! Hope it works out and you get to enjoy your family vacation- you sound like a hard working wife and mom and you should be proud of that!

Jenni, the problem is YOU. Just say "NO"! Don't try to CONTROL every situation. Don't try to put everyone's needs before your own. You're on vacation too. Just because everyone's not a clean freak like you, doesn't mean you have to expect everyone to conform to your rules. It doesn't sound like anyone is asking you to cook and clean and look after kids - - you're the one that voluntarily takes over and then gets offended when no one says thanks.

Jenni, <BR> <BR>The previous suggestions about taking a day for yourself are great. You also might try telling your husband before the trip that you expect a few days on the beach alone and he will have to deal with the children. <BR>As for cooking - my husband and I vacation at the beach with our two kids every year. We stock up on convenience foods - lunchables, lunch meats, poptarts, granola bars, fruit - for breakfast and lunch, and go out for dinner. This way we don't have to cook. Our kids refer to some of the junkier of these items as "vacation food" because we don't normally buy them at home

I have a similar problem. My inlaws are very nice and I don't want them or my husband to think I am a snob or do not like them however I am dreading the "family vacation" we are taking in August. I am a very modern woman with no children currently, I have career and work approx. 55hrs. a week. I do not cook other than 1 or 2 dishes and mirowave meals. My husband agrees to do all cleaning in the house while I do all laundry and errand running (which he hates) My husband usually cooks once a week and I do the same the rest of the time we eat out or have sandwiches. As you can see, I am no "Susie Homemaker". The problem is all of the women in my husband's family are. His mother doesn't work, his older sister doesn't work and stays home with the kids, his younger sister who is engaged works as a secretary and is an awesome cook. We are all going to Florida in August wherw we are renting a large beach house for a week. Now it really is not a vaation to me when you have to make your own bed, cook your own meals etc. The worst part is all the women will cook all meals, clean the house up, do the dishes, take care of the 2 small children and ocasionally relax on the beach while the men jump up every morning to a fully cooked breakfast then trot off to the golf course. Sounds very 1950s to me! I realize that I can say no to doing certain things but to the rest of the girls who think nothing of doing these things, I will look like a heel and a snob so I will probably end up pithing in to help and do more cooking and leaning than I do at home. I wonder if there is any polite way to get around this. I enjoy spendiong time with these people and my husband only gets to see his parents and sisters 3 or 4 times a year as we live out of state from the rest.

Wow I can really relate to "not a suzie homemaker". My MIL constantly tells the story of when my husband was in college and brought home some buddies with him. One guy brought his girlfriend. Well my MIL goes on and on how this gal showed up for dinner without helping and how she didn't pitch in with the dishes afterward. Meanwhile neither did the guys. When your inlaws live with these kind of rigid gender roles that don't exist in your own home it makes visits very tense. Jenni, Moms need a vacation too! Make a meal schedule ahead of time picking which meals you'll make, which meals his folks will make or which meals you'll eat out. When the schedule is made ahead of time it does relieve the tension of the vacation. It also let's others plan a meal that shows off their skill in preparing a special meal. Clean up should be done by those who did not prepare the meal.

In the early years of our marriage we rented houses with other couples. We solved this problem by alternating nights. As soon as we got there each family put $100 in a jar. We then made a menu and grocery list together and the men went to the store while the women unpacked and watched the kids. We then alternated nights cooking. Each couple took a turn to prepare the meal. The other family who didn't cook set the table and cleaned up after. I find this worked well. In fact, since everyone was in the kitchen having a drink before dinner anyway, we ended up ALL pitching in and doing what ever needed to be done. If the guys did go out to Golf or fish, we just didn't start until they returned so they could help. We usually had 2 nights out as well. If we ran out of money we added more to the jar and divided what was left over in the end. EVERYONE was responsible for his or her own breakfasts and lunches. If it's a problem for you to tell people that, just get up and prepare breakast/lunch for yourself and your children and don't offer to do it for anyone else. I can't imagine that they would ask you to make something for them! Also, relax your standards a bit. I find that the person who does the most cleaning is the one who can't stand the mess! Resist the urge to let it be you! Sooner or later someone will have to wash a dish if there aren't any clean ones left. Make your bed and don't worry about anyone elses! <BR>If all else fails, rent a smaller place by yourselves. We all do that now because we can and it makes for a more stress free vacation. Good luck!

I just returned from a family beach week which included 4 couples, 1 singleton, and 4 little kids. In anticipation of (a) my mother playing martyr and cooking all the meals, (b) some of the other adults disappearing at mealtime to avoid work, and (c) the parents of children never getting a night out -- none of which we wanted to happen, we came up with a very simple meal plan. Each couple had one night to make dinner -- from shopping to cooking to cleaning up; the singleton had the same responsibilty for one lunch. And everyone had to appear for each of those meals. Two nights we drew names -- half the couples got to go out and the other half stayed in and babysat (ordered pizza, got carryout, made do...). One night was going-out night for everyone. All other meals were serve-yourself and clean-up-after-yourself affairs. We also had a kitty to pay for all communal food, liquor and other expenses. It worked our really well. As the first couple to cook, my husband and I made a really great meal -- to set the baseline -- and everyone else rose to the occasion. <BR> <BR>Except for the one meal we each had to prepare, it was pretty much a work-free week. And BTW, I don't think ANYONE made their bed all week!

I also forgot to mention that the women demanded equal time! If the guys go golfing or fishing, we got the same number of hours back to do whatever WE wanted, without kids! It's only fair. When the kids were really small we brought a mothers helper with us, a friends high school age daughter. That way we all got to go out at night and no one had to stay at the house at naptime. She was worth every penny!

Ladies! Perfect solution- Learn how to play golf and go with the guys!

Yuck! I tried it once and would rather scrub the floor with a toothbrush! I'd much rather go cycling or rollerblading, but to each his own!

I have a better suggestion. Stay in a hotel by the beach, only have enough room for YOUR FAMILY! Now no one will take advantage of you unless they ante up for a hotel room in the same complex. Don't get one with a kitchenette either. Go out to dinner, there are always inexpensive family restaurants, pizza joints, etc.... This is a vacation-meaning my wife has few wifely duties and is able to rest just like I do. You do not describe a vacation, you describe a jail sentance. My wife would have kicked me to the curb a long time ago if I was such a selfish individual. <BR> <BR>Another idea would be to invite the parents to your home. When they and the relatives get there, announce that you and your husband are leaving the rugrats, animals and responsibilities with them and taking a couples vacation. Leave some cash and some explicit instructions for the children and do it, maybe they will get the message.