jlm_mi

A good nursery person is really your best bet. Call a nursery as close to their area as possible. They really are priceless in their expert knowledge! They'll be able to steer you right if you explain just what the situation is. They may even come up with ideas no one here has mentioned, but they'll know how to help you. If you call them first thing tomorrow morning, this should set your mind at ease.

You're a good friend to be putting so much thought into this! I know your friend will be deeply touched by your effort, and the nursery person will be able to help you make a stress-free decision.

jlm_mi

To respond to the last - VA and TX will definitely have differing climates, but ornamental pears are troublesome trees in most places. They are weak in structure, so more susceptible to storm damage than many other trees (due to the shape of their growth). They're beautiful and low-maintenance, but could easily be lost to high winds.

wtm003

Definitely, call your local nursery. Most of the plants and shrubs I have received through mail order have required immediate attention. I'm sure the nursery can suggest something wonderful that can be placed on her patio for days or weeks before planting. That way she can tend to the tree/shrub when she is ready.

TxTravelPro

I found this beautiful orchid 'garden'.
http://www.calyxandcorolla.com/calyx...View/ZGP001208
Do you suppose this would be difficult to keep alive?
I find it quite beautiful and since there are 2 plants, it could be a bit symbolic.

FainaAgain

TX, one of my pregnancies ended in the same sad way. I'd love to have a tree in memory of my unborn child.

As for a teddy bear... it depends on personality, looking at a toy may hurt.

What I appreciated the most at that difficult time, were the friends who would listen to whatever I was saying, without sharing their own stories. Just listen.

And don't make a mistake of saying she'll have another baby.

AustinTraveler

The orchid garden is beautiful but I think your original idea of a tree is really more suitable. Quit thinking about it tonight and just call a nursery in the morning! I think you'll be able to tell quickly if the person you're speaking to is knowledgeable or not. Just keep trying until you get someone you think you can trust. Oh, and if your friend lives in a different city, call a nursery in that town and see if they can plant it for you as well. Most nurseries offer that service.

Malesherbes

Phalaenopsis will bloom for 3 to 4 months, and are one of the easier orchids to grow. They usually only bloom once a year, but I could get mine to bloom again the following years in FL. I brought a couple to TX with me when we moved, and so far, no luck blooming this year, their first out of FL, although they look healthy.

You don't want bonsai....no way....very hard.

The shrub that always seemed happier in the DFW area than any other plant were crepe myrtles. Maybe you could find an unusual color variation?

Do you know what their yard is like? There may be no room for further shrubs or trees. (I still like the idea though.)

suzanhh

I think you should listen to FainaAgain and be there for your friend, Listen to her, let her share her loss with you. I agree the teddy bear thing might hurt. Local Arlington nurserypeople would probably know what is best for trees in their area. Soo sad.

AnnMarie_C

On several occasions, I've had trees planted in memory through the National Arbor Day Foundation.

http://www.arborday.org/join/tictim/

GoTravel

Having recently dealt with losing a child, a phone call (wait a day or two) and a hand written note will go a long way toward helping her heal.

Just let her know you are thinking of her.

corwin

TxTravelPro,
If your relationship is close, i would recommend a book that deals with loss of an unborn child. there is a specific book i have in mind that deals with this kind of loss, it is gentle and walks you carefully through the grieving process, telling what to expect hormonally, and offers suggestions for acceptance.
i've a very close friend we lost her twins also at about the same point. she raved about this book after her healing was underway. she has passed the book to many friends. although it doesn't seem like a good time to read, she said the book became her friend, her confident that seemed to understand what she was feeling. shall i get the name of it for you?
corwin

starrsville

I've sent/ given gardenia shrubs to commenmorate lost loved ones. If there isn't a lot of room, the dwarf gardenias are nice. I like the idea of a tree, but a smaller live plant for the garden may be better. I agree with contacting local plant nurseries for suggestions.

Kath

I live in Arlington (texas) if that is where you are talking about. I've seen plenty of dogwoods here but only in the older areas, where there are lots of established older trees to provide shade. If she lives in a new subdivision where they don't have many trees I don't think the dogwoods will work.

TxTravelPro

Yes, please Corwin.
I talked to someone who knows her yard/home and they felt the trees would not be a good idea in this instance.
I decided to send her the orchids:
http://www.calyxandcorolla.com/calyx...View/ZGP001208
This gift is actually from my company...
I am now considering what to do on a more personal level and the book sounds perfect.

corwin

Tx, i'll call my friend tonight and get right back to you! if you have had any children, you'll remember the hormone swings last for a really really long time. if will be the same with your dear friend/co-worker. best way to support her is to forgive her mood swings for months....
corwin

THERESA10

I am so Sorry for Your Friends Lose. Especially Sad while I'm playing with my First Grand Daughter who is 4 months old and I can't think of Life before Her, and would just Die if She leaves now.
May I suggest You try Ediblearrangements.com
They Make the most Beautiful Fruit Flower arrangements, and I have sent many of them, and all My Friends, Family and co workers just Love them and tell Me as soon as they arrive what a Great gift.
You and Your Friend are in My Prayers..God Bless Theresa

jetprincess

One thing about trees or anything else that has to be planted...If the people move, it will be so sad. We are going through that right now. We planted 2 trees when each of my children were born and now we are moving. It is the toughest part of the move.

I'm so sorry for your friend.

Worktowander

I am sorry for your friend.

After this happened to me (single pregnancy, though at 6 months), I appreciated everything that was done for me.

But please heed the advice about the toys and the pain they might cause, and consider how mobile your friend is likely to be -- if a transfer is inevitable, think about a small ficus tree that she can grow in the house and take with her. I still have the one given to my mother when my uncle died in 1980 - it's huge now.

You might also consider giving her a small scrapbook with a note suggesting she use it sometime later -- if she wants to -- for her baby things, ultrasound photos, etc.

But mostly, I say just listen.

Hooray to Faina for pointing out the mistake of intimating that she can always have another baby. Maybe not. And that doesn't bring these babies - the ones she almost had - back.

I'll add (not that Fodorites need to hear it, but maybe it could be passed along to others) that these well-meant words were not helpful:

"Now you have an angel." (That's wonderful, really it is, but we were hoping for a baby.)

"It was God's will." (How did I manage to make him so darn mad?)

"It's probably better this way - it's nature's way of telling you something was wrong." (See above)

"That happened to me (my aunt, my sister, my cousin) and now look at all these kids!" (It might not happen for your friend.)

"At least you didn't have time to get attached." (!!!!!!)

What did feel right, at least to me:

"We're thinking of you."

"Is there anything you need?"

"I'm so sorry."

"God bless."


Thanks for letting me offer up my opinions (probably worth exactly what you paid for them).

Best wishes to your friend as she heals her broken heart.

Retired_teacher

Worktowander's advise is right on.... Listen to your friend, but please don't offer advise unless you've experienced a similar loss.

After losing a baby at 32 weeks many years ago, I can tell you that well meaning friends will make comments that are extremely hurtful even though they don't perceive them that way. Know that this woman may feel personal responsibility for the death of her children. Do not question her activities prior to the end of the pregnancy or the competence of her physician as doing that may indicate to her that you believe that she was in some way to blame for the loss. Try to resume your friendship with her as soon as she's able and focus on activities similar to those you enjoyed together prior to her pregnancy.

If ever sensitivity training were to ever be offered at your workplace, that time is now. Perhaps you could share Workstowander's and FainaAgain's posts with the entire office before your friend returns? Please remember that your support and friendship are far more important at this time than the gift.

cd

TxTravelPro
Money seems so cold but I'm thinking at 6months the babies will have a funeral. What about a collection to help pay for the headstone?

These babies are part of her family, she had already bonded with them. They have names, their room has been prepared. Your sorrow, understanding and friendship will be what is appreciated.