Limits to length of visit in another's home?
 

If you visit family members or close friends several states away, what is a reasonable number of nights to expect to feel welcome there? (Including parents and grown kids in this.)

Big discussion in my family on this. I say 3 to 4 nights, then you are interrupting their routine too much. Others say longer because we travel so far. What do you say?

As a good friend once said "Friends are like fish - they both go off after 3 days!"

We have always had a rule about this. We stay 3 nights. YOu know the old saying, "After 3 days, fish and relatives begin to stink". No matter how much you're loved, (we love our kids and they do love us) Three nights is perfect. Everyone still appreciates and enjoys everyone. Longer than that and it gets testy.

The notion that the length of time that you should visit is related to the length of the visit is ludicrous on the face of it, since it is based on the traveler/visitor's perspective, not the hosts'.

Hi leelane, I think it depends on what the hosts wishes are.

When I visit family, always at their invitation, I ask them what dates they have in mind. First of all I have to know this so I can make plane reservations.

All of them always ask that I arrive on a Friday, be there that weekend, the following week and the next weekend and then leave it up to me when I want to go home after that. I usually go home the Tuesday after the second weekend. Monday is for packing, organizing etc. so that doesn't take away from enjoying the second weekend.

I do try to always give my family space, do not expect to be enterained every moment, take them out to restaurants, and often cook dinners for them. I always have a few books with me and they all have lots of books too so I will read when they/ and or I need quiet time.

I guess the longer visit works because we just seem to enjoy being together and I don't expect or want to be treated like a guest. Fortunatly we all seem to have similar taste in entertainment, food, wine etc. so that sure helps.

With friends I agree, 3 to 4 nights max.
When I go to Italy where I have lots of friends I get my own hotel room. We do take lots of day trips and 2 or 3 night trips too, but with those I always reserve my own hotel room. So I am in Italy much longer but not underfoot in friends homes the entire time. It gives me quiet time and gives them time to take care of day to day things. And since I know several families no one has to feel like I am their responsibiity every day.

No matter the distance travelled, 2-3 nights at the tops.

2 or 3 nights, but honestly we prefer to stay at a hotel (even when visiting relatives) it's nice to have a break from being a guest (and for the host, a break from HAVING a guest). I appreciate everything that our host does on our behalf when we visit, but if we stay at a hotel, our host does not feel pressured to provide 3 meals a day, or be constantly entertaining. Also, they are not stuck with laundry when we leave, and I'm not trying to wash our dirty towels etc., while they are behind me saying "oh, no, you don't have to do that". I don't want to leave ANY host with a mess!

Our rule of thumb, with close family, 5 nights tops. With friends, 2-3 nights max.

And we always take a nice hostess gift and wine etc, and usually send something when we get home. Even if they're 'just' family. :)

Great question. I agree that 3 nights is good. I stayed 3 nights with my dear friends in Florida and it was wonderful to have them encouraging me to change my flight to stay LONGER. Much better than the other way around!

Appreciate all your responses. One situation in our family is that grandchildren want grandparents to stay for at least seven nights to see them in all their activities, for instance, but the daughter-in-law/mother-in-law relationship gets rough over that much time. The children do not understand why retired grandparents need to leave!

My DH family lives 10,000 miles away so it would be rude on my part to only have them stay 3 days. So we try to arrange for them to travel some and stay with us some and visit as many relatives as possible when visiting. We love them but we really can't take off a month to entertain them. And if you travel 24 hours to visit family you're going to stay for awhile.

So, I think you have to incorporate the length of travel distance against the amount of visit time before any hard and fast rules are applied. I personally don't care to inflict myself upon my relatives for long periods even if I'm the one traveling 10,000 miles.

There are some people with whom I really can't handle staying more than 2 nights at most; others seem quite comfortable having me for a week, and that's a nice feeling, but it often seems to me to hinge on whether or not there's a separate guest bathroom. Sharing a bathroom with hosts will always make it a VERY short visit, for both our sakes.

I'm another one who actually prefers staying at a nearby motel, but I have some relatives who are highly insulted by the very idea. How can one politely say, "well, no, it's not that I don't like you and don't feel comfortable and welcomed at your house by all of you BUT I need a bed, not a couch, and my own bathroom, and I'd just as soon be able to close my door at night so the cat or dog doesn't drop by for a visit."

Cassandra, yes, having your own bedroom and bathroom makes a big difference.

When I am with families they all have a guest bedroom and guest bathroom so no one is getting in each others way.

And how different family members interact with each other sure makes a big difference also.

I have had houseguest that had me counting the hours, no make that minutes, until it was time for them to leave. And others that made me so sad to say goodbye to them.

I sympathize with the granchildren/grandparents issue. Perhaps their son could beat them into submission - explain how they need to change their behaviors in order to be welcome longer - unless they just don;t care.

But for me - with friends 3 nights is the limit - with the closest family it may be longer - depending on circumstances - but they have a separate guest bed, bath and sitting room - and don;t have to be joined at the hip - so we don;t get on each others nerves.

Completely different situation but my dear friend in Europe let's me stay 1-2 weeks each time I visit her. That said, her old husband and I got on better than her new one and I do, so it might be a hotel nearby for me next trip!

Assuming that your family likes you, why would they not want you there for an unlimited time?
I and my brother travel for a living, our parents never put a time limit on our visits.
If it is a friend, 3 nights then stay in a hotel. Unless they own an enormous country house and have servants. Which is doubtful.

We have family in Europe and reciprocate visits back and forth quite a bit. You don't travel that far for less than two weeks. However, when we go over there we are independent, i.e. we rent our own car and we make plans apart from our hosts, so they can have their own lives too. Most of the time they or we have to work during the visit.

My problem is they don't do the same when they come here. I end up being responsible for all their "fun". Even when I ask them what they want to do, they leave it up to me. And that does become wearing after awhile.

A few rules I wish my guests would follow:
-Make independent plans and have some idea of what you want to do.
-Contribute to the meals or food and drink in the house during your visit.
-If we go out as a group, at least offer to pay your own way.
-Give me some quiet time in the morning before expecting a lot of lively conversation.

Maggi

I once studied the nomadic Bedouin people and learned that in their culture, they were expected to extend hospitality to strangers visiting them in their desert tents for three days. This included offering guests protection. After that time, the strangers were unwelcome, and free to be preyed upon.

Furthermore, I've heard the quote, paraphrased in other posts, "Guests are like fish; after 3 days they begin to stink," is an ancient Chinese poverb.

So, this 3 day feeling seems to be pretty universal. I also find 3 days is generally as long as I feel comfortable having guests. However, we often have guests longer, especially with family that fly from far away. If possible, we arrange to break up the trip and send them on a sight-seeing excursion for a few days. We even offer them a car. This helps a lot, but doesn't work anymore with the oldest relatives. When we get right down to it, though, we're lucky to have family who want to be with us, so we try to make the best of it.

The quote "Fish andVisitors stink after three days" is attributable to Benjamin Franklin. It is in two variations in the Poor Richard's Almanac. The quotes were gleaned from all sorts of traditions.

http://www.ushistory.org/franklin/quotable/quote32.htm

"Fish and visitors stink after three days."

"After three days men grow weary, of a wench, a guest, and weather rainy."

As a Floridian, I agree completely.

LMF

Totally agree with Maggi's guest rules. They are super. Because I often host at a home that is not my primary home, I am very aware of which guests are easy and which are not. Some (like my brother who will go off and fish for hours and hours at a time)are a pleasure to have for any length of time.
All the easy ones abide by Maggi's rules, and especially the one about not expecting me to provide all the scheduling "fun" by the minute. As a frequent host in two states, I would say 2 to 3 days for friends is the max also. And we do have 2 bathrooms.But all the company travel for less than 110 miles.

The only time I have been a guest for length has been with an aunt in AZ and California. She wanted a longer visit than I, every time. I know how to be a good guest, but feel also the linens etc. as above post extra work. In Lake Tahoe, I absolutely needed to rent a car, which offended some of the relatives a bit. But I needed to get healthier foods and see more than one spot for that time period.

Over all, unless friends are super compatiable, I do think many are happier visiting but sleeping in a motel/hotel after a night or two. Sleeping habits/rising and eating times may vary greatly and that helps to remedy problems with clashing agendas.One time I traveled to Germany and stayed with cousins I had never seen before in my life; stayed a week in their mountain-side home and they wanted much more. They were just terrific hosts, but I am a very low maintenance guest and a quiet reader who gives lots of space when needed; learned to eat cold meat breakfast at 6:30am etc.- got out of their hair all day and when they just came home from work etc. But that was exceptional circumstances, I think. They stayed in the Frankfort airport waving white hankerchieves until my plane taxied. It was a long, long time with their arms in the air. They were one in a million hosts- which is difficult to do with language barrier as it was. But for stays with my friends (age 50's and 60's)at my lake house, I would say that for most 2 nights are the limit. It's because they are fairly set in their ways and needs and want more than the simplistic. Cable only has 15 channels there. LOL! (Too many are addicted to TV and I rarely have it on.)