Meesthare

I think it depends a lot, as others here have said, on whether you're able to be accommodated without encroaching too much on your hosts' space. We have a downstairs rec room that doubles as a bedroom, with its own bathroom. We'd have no problem with people staying for a couple of weeks, as long as they go out sometimes and aren't depending on us to entertain them every night. On the other hand, a friend and I visited friends in Australia and stayed for 10 days; we each had our own bedroom and there was a separate bathroom for our mutual use, but I think it was about a week too long. Our hosts seemed comfortable with us being there, but I began to long for the independence of a hotel stay.
Currently we're planning a move across the country, and one of the requirements of the house we eventually buy is that it have a separate in-law suite for visiting friends and family. We want them to stay for a long time when they visit.

Cassandra

I'd like to add that parents/children and grandparents/parents/children are different cases. These are guests but they are also guests with whom you have required history and future.

First, age differences between guests and hosts can matter. Who goes to bed and gets up early, and who late? Who eats hearty and who has dietary restrictions? Who can be physically active all day and all evening and who can't? If you aren't with family, being an independent guest can solve some of the problems; but if it's family, there may be some need to spend more time together.

The other issues, however, are trickier. When young adult children (and even middle-aged children) stay with parents, there can be a reversion to patterns before the nest emptied, the more so as the offspring stay longer. I could use abstractions, or I could just give examples like a messy room driving parents nuts or parents staying up to see if "child" gets home safely, thereby annoying said child.

For myself, my son's visits home are never long enough and like Kate2's parents we would never, ever put a limit on his visits. But I admit I am both very sad and usually exhausted when he leaves, and a bit relieved to put the house and my schedule back in the order we've gotten used to.

With grandchildren comes not only potential fatigue, but also disagreement about how to raise them, and almost always in-law politics. There can be some great times and special occasions, but the longer the visit, the more underlying tensions have to surface. This is not to say that longer visits can also be just great if everyone thinks they're great -- or if everyone is equally determined to make them great but being smart about time together and "time out."

But I'm thinking about Leelane's family's situation, and it seems odd. First, the whole idea that the grandparents are mainly there to "witness" all the children's activities -- do they have a punch-card for each kid? Is that what grandparents are for? Somebody should tell those grandchildren (and their parents) that part of the wonderfulness of grandparents is getting to know THEM, not just making them gift-giving, automatic audience for the wonderfulness of the kids.

Then there's obviously the in-law tensions that the kids will -- I assure you -- pick up on, especially if all parties are engaging the kids in the debate about whether grandparents should leave or not.

Finally, being retired -- it should be explained to ALL -- isn't a matter of either seeing grandkids or staying home waiting to see grandkids. Some retirees are VERY busy doing other things, which is part of why they are great people.

cfc

Bathrooms, bedrooms, ages, and in laws. I think Cassandra pretty much nailed it ... although there might possibly an added issue or two depending on political persuasion and whether you're an Eagles or Patriots fan!

bonniebroad

Cfc, you've got something there, regarding political discussions. In our extended family, we have such diverse and vigorous opinions that we have to agree ahead of time not to discuss politics; else the weekend/visit or dinner would come to an abrupt and early end! (Which is ridiculous....... everybody is entitled to their opinion......... and no one should get THAT worked up!)

Now, when it comes to the Eagles and the Patriots, that's different........ OF COURSE, everyone should pull for the Eagles!

cfc

NOT!!!!!!

GoTravel

Two nights is the maximum I will stay with anyone or let anyone stay with me.

Unless of course it is Brad Pitt or George Clooney. For them, three nights.

bonniebroad

GoTravel, Johnny Depp would be allowed to stay with me for an unlimited period of time........

hockeymom

What our family has done when visiting family or friends is stay two or three nights (usually over the weekend), then leave Monday and do our own thing, then come back for the following weekend. It gives us plenty of time to be together, but we're not "making them" take a week off of work or "making them" be responsible for our vacation. I've had family stay two weeks - way too long and not enough fun (for me)! I find it way too intrusive and disruptive to our schedule for that to happen too often. I love my family and friends, but that was too much.

Lallie

I think I have read all the replies here, if I missed this, sorry. How do you handle vistors that contact you and say "we are coming to visit for 3 weeks, which is better July or August?" These are friends from another country. We love having them, however 3 weeks is to long...the last visit was that length, and we spent the entire time sightseeing, and trying to be home long enough to do the yard work. They didn't drive,so depended on us. They all drive in their home country, so think they could here. What is a polite way to handle this situation? We have other friends coming this summer also, with a wide age group, mother,father and children in mid to late 20's When we sit up arrangements with them, would it be proper to tell them they would need to rent one vehicle, as we cannot all fit in ours, or is it our respondsibility to provide transportation? Sorry this is so long... would love your opinions!!!

utahtea

Everyone is going to be different and it will depend on how well you get along. The first time we went to visit DS & DL 2,600 miles away, we were traveling in our motorhome. We had planned on spending 3 or 4 nights in the area in our motorhome and just visiting them....WELL....our motorhome had to have MAJOR work done. It was only suppose to take a week, but took 10 days instead. DS and DIL took us in. They were so GREAT! DS had to work part of that time so DH and I would take off in our rental car for a day or two. Everyone got along so GREAT! We really love our DIL and she made us feel at home. When it was their time to visit us I know that spending that long at their house made my DIL feel comfortable at our house. They come for 3 to 4 weeks. We have spent as long as 2 weeks at their house. We try to visit each other at least twice a year since our grandson was born. We both have guest rooms and second bathrooms.

Utahtea

abram

When my parents travel 1500 miles to visit me and my husband, I feel cheated if they stay for less than a week. Two weeks starts to get a bit long, but 10 days feels about right.

They don't expect to be entertained every minute, amuse themselves on the three days a week that I work, my dad fixers everything that needs repair, and my mom cooks dinner a couple of times..

I'm 55, they're in their 80s, and I am aware that our time together is limited. plus, we love each other's company.

JJ5

Lallie, I feel for you. The three week thing must be really exhausting for you.
But because you did it before, that is a hard precedent to "get around." If it were my situation, I would talk to them kindly but frankly about the length of time by telephone before the plans are put in stone, so to speak. It's not easy, I know.

I have a dear couple that are very "hard guests" and tend to assume an invitation more than once a summer. I will need to have that same kind of talk soon, I think.

But don't do it again, if you do not enjoy it. And you definitely sound like you don't. And if they still come, for a shorter time, don't for whatever reason- be the ever-ready sightseeing guide etc. In fact, I would absolutely insist that they must get a rental car. You are putting them up and driving them also is just too much. Be kind but be firm.

Little_Man

Lallie,
I sympathize. I have relatives in Europe and it's very hard for them to come for a shorter time than 3 weeks. While I do want them to come, don't know how I'll cope with 3 weeks! What we need is a way to say we love them, but more than a week is too much!

It would be different if they had a lot of money, and US drivers licenses, but no! Let me know how you cope!

Statia

I think the three night rule is a good one, but I do agree that a lot depends on how close of a relationship one has to the hosts, as well as how far one has traveled and the costs they incurred in getting there.

I like privacy, so I tend to never stay with friends for more than three nights, but most people who visit me stay anywhere from one to two weeks and I don't mind since it costs them a lot to get here.

One exception to our three day rule is staying with my sister and her husband. The four of us have such a fantastic time together that we have stayed at their house anywhere from 10 days to three months. Of course, my BIL loves the fact that I cook, make his work lunches, clean and do laundry.

Which brings me to the point that a lot also depends on how much of a burden a guest is. If a guest pitches in and their share of helping out, then I think that most people don't mind having a guest stay a little longer.

girlonthego

Interesting topic since I just came from spending two nights with inlaws! I think with grandparents 5 nights is nice. Siblings who watch their kids, can come for about 4 nights. Siblings who don't watch their kids can come for lunch!LOL Relatives who like to use me as a free hotel stop over to Florida, are not really welcome! There are only a few who I truly enjoy seeing and having. The rest are cheap moochers who I have to think of a "were going to be out of town that night" speech! I had distant cousins (on DH's side of course) who called to ask if they could drop off their three little boys(who are quite the handful) for a sleep over while they spent the night out. I could not believe it since the children had only met me once in the 6 years we lived in the same state together. I did not feel bad saying NO! Ggod friends-3 nights is plenty of time and you still remain friends.

amwosu

I wish someone would send this to my inlaws (but of course they don't use a computer) who stay with us for two weeks every fall and don't bother letting us know before they book their flights when they are planning to come. They send us a letter with their flight information each year.

My father in law has obsessive compulsive disorder and my mothe in law talks to herself 24/7. I've been married 17 years and this is how it has always been. Last year I took a long weekend away right after their visit. This year I am going to go away on two weekends while they are here.

They make my kids and I nuts but don't bother my husband who grew up with all the weird behaviors. By the end of their trip last year they weren't speaking to me because MY behavior was rude!!!

JJ5

amwosu, I feel for you too.

Especially since they schedule it all on their own call. One aunt would do this to me for about 10 days to two weeks every year. And regardless of what I had going on, she would also insist on being picked up at the airport. The last time she was 89, and how can you say no. I couldn't. But I always strongly suggested she wait to ask me before booking flights, and she wouldn't. Always had to be her way so that it was paired with some departed family member's "birthday" and a subsequent visit to their corresponding cemetary.

Your situation sounds a bit similar, but also must cause you and your spouse "couple" stress besides the other frenetic activity. You are doing a good thing in taking the weekends, don't feel guilty at all about it. The people who never stop talking are what I call the "hard" guests. It's not just those who can't pitch in. The other thing that becomes intolerable to me is the need for "stuff" every few minutes. I've had a guest insist that I must locate a pastry brush for her in the middle of the Michigan wetlands. LOL!
I've learned to make some pretty good retorts for this last habit.

MerryTravel

Maggi's rules for houseguests are excellent. My husband and I lived in Hawaii for a year, and from New Year's Eve until March we had almost no break from guests in our small two bedroom, one bathroom condo. It didn't bother us too much because we missed seeing everyone and were happy for the company in our isolated home, but we do have favorite guests and least favorite guests. Just about everyone stayed for one week, with the exception of my parents, who stayed for two and a half. My husband and I could not afford to take three months off of work to keep everyone entertained, so we suggested everyone rent cars to explore or even take trips to neighbor islands during the week, and by the end we practically had a set itinerary for guests to follow. The best guests (a couple, and one of whom we didn't even know that well!) did research of what the area offered, found what suited them and did it, as well as cooked dinner for us and were just pleasant to visit with. The worst ... well, didn't do that.

Lallie, I feel for you. When my parents visited I told them anything more than a week was too long, but they came for two and a half anyway. I don't know if this is feasible for you, but my husband and I agreed that our sanity was worth springing for a trip to another island for them. We actually went ahead and bought the package and then "surprised" them with it as an anniversary gift. Whatever you decide, good luck!

Lallie

Thanks for sympathizing. We really love having our friends from Europe visit. When we have visited them,(twice), we always make it part of another trip, spending 3-4 days with them. We thought the first time they came, that perhaps they could borrow our car,(beings they were not renting one) and go for a couple of days by themselves, however that was not the case. We will love having them back, hopefully we can come up with a nice way of saying 10 days to 2 weeks would be great.

PamSF

I seem to remember a sign that read"Visitors and fish are the same~they both begin to smell after 3 days"! Even with mymost beloved sister and her family, we never plan a visit longer than 3 days. We come, we grocery shop, we watch the kids' soccer or baseball games and I cook. I might even iron some school uniforms. We always arrive in a rental car.

The rest of our family comes for 10 days at a time, chips in little to no $ for food and always wants to be transported and entertained. They are also know to have supreme marital discord while visiting.

When staying with friends, we often offer a night out on us. We have never stayed more than 2 nights with freinds BTW.