"Visiting" often is fine if agreed to by both parties, but I would consider a 5 day stay every 3 months an imposition. Regardless of whether you help out with the child, or cooking or whatever, you are still imposing on the daily routine of your hildren and grandchildren. I'm sure you DIL does insist that you not stay at hotel out of politeness (what else could she say and still keep up good relations?) If you are going to visit for such long stretches insist on your own hotel room. It might do you some good to have a romantic stay with you rhusband or some time to yourself as well. If you are visiting that much, I'm going to assume you are retired so get some hobbies and enjoy this empty nest time on your own!

You have either got to be a complete control freak or a troll. My guess is you are a troll looking to get a rise out of us Grandmother Kate!

I have two small children and we see my parents almost every day (they are in their 70's and have more energy than I do!) They never criticize me or my children - they supply unconditional love! <BR> <BR>My in-laws criticize me and my children constantly. They also live near by but rarely see their grandchildren - and they wonder why? <BR> <BR>My advice would be to continue your visits - stay at a hotel every other visit or so - and keep your criticism to yourself. Offer love and support ONLY!! Trust me on this!

I'm willing to bet a year's salary that the people here who say such absolute things as grandparents have no right to see grandchildren, Grandma Kate should stay away until asked, etc., don't have grandchildren. Many probably don't have children over 18 and some may not even have children at all. They are identifying only with the younger generation, have no idea what it's like to be at the other end of the generation-stack. <BR> <BR>My experience is that only single people ever told me how to have a marriage and only childless people ever told me how to raise children. Hate to sound "just like your/my mother," but wait 'til you have grandchildren of your own. <BR> <BR>I've always tried to keep in mind the things my mother did/does that drive me nuts and avoid doing that. But one's view does shift as you move relentlessly away from youth. You'll be there someday, too.

I want to ask about "Grandpa." Grandma Kate says they drive 16 hours (each way I assume) every 3 months to visit grandbaby. Does Kate do any of the driving or is it left up to her husband? <BR> <BR>Many women of the grandma set don't drive at all, or don't drive much. My Mom is in the category of not much driving (grocery store, social outings, not more than 5 miles), Dad does all driving on long trips. I know my Dad doesn't like to do it but if they want to visit their kids 125 miles away they must (I do drive to visit them too). <BR> <BR>For a 16 hour trip, my guess is two days of 8 hours of driving. Grandpa is probably exhausted when they arrive and doesn't get to spend as much quality time with the baby. <BR> <BR>My solution would be to save your money and fly in to visit when it's an okay time with son and daughter-in-law.

I couldn't help but respond to Melanie S. You work 50+ hours/wk. and your husband works more? Please don't have children until one of you decides to quit working and actually be A PARENT to your baby. A child doesn't need the $ as much as it needs the two of you.

"Mom at home" you sem to be a little out of touch with the times if you think a 50 hr work week is unusual in today's society. Working 50-60 hrs a week does not mean you are getting more money (unless you are paid hourly of course0 In today's professional world, people on salary are expected to work long hours but do not receive higher pay. It is a sad but true fact. I know as I asked my boss if a could take a 10k pay cut to get an extra weeks vacation and work only 37.5 hrs a week. He laughed at me and said if I didn't want to do the job, then he would get someone else. Furthermore, most families are 2 inome families today not just because of the need for more money and more things either. I am a mom and love my children but I also enjoy what I do for my career. Granted, I would like it more if I worked just under 40 hrs a week, but for now it looks like I'll contine my 45hr work week with another 8 hrs tacked on for my commute there and back. I don't feel my children are suffering either. In fact, I think going to daycare (my younger son) and school with afterschool program (my older daughter) encourages independene, soialization with other children, learning such attributes as sharing, problemsolving, and compromise with others. I was raised in the same mannerand my mother never stayed home with me. I turned out fine and we have a close relationship. And for GranmotherKate's benefit, we visit with my parents about 3 times a year for the weekend and then usually one extended stay for 5-7 days.

I've been on both sides of the fence -- worked at a lucrative job I loved despite young kids at home, stayed home with young kids. I say every parent should do what they want. <BR> <BR>But I will say this -- being away 50+ hours a week doesn't leave enough hours in the week to bring up your kids with your priorities, values, religion, morals. Sorry, but it is true. Sure, if kids are in the right environment, they will probably turn out fine anyway. But from where I sit at home with my kids now, I welcome having the extra time to experience things with the kids. Not to mention the extra time to avoid a stressed out lifestyle. <BR> <BR>Gotta go! The kids have swim practice, and they'll be working on their flip turns and dive starts. I'll try to pretend that I'm not watching.

I'm still chuckling over people calling five days an "extended visit." I consider that a short visit--an extended visit would be 2-3 weeks. However, I think the original poster should probably visit less often (but how can anyone expect someone to drive 16 (or even 9) hours and then stay only a weekend?) Maybe Grandma Kate should go only twice a year. <BR> <BR>My mother-in-law used to visit us every two years (she had a 2000 mile plane ride first) for two weeks, and I was always sorry to see her go. She always bent over backward not to criticize me and to be helpful. She got her reward when we took our children to Europe (in 1985) and took her with us! Later her visits were every 3 or 4 years, and now that she's 90 she's given up travel and we visit her. <BR> <BR>Now I'm a relatively new MIL (to three wonderful spouses), and I have found this thread to be very revealing of the attitude of the younger generation. It has made me rethink a few things--but I cannot even imagine how hurt I would be if anyone ever suggested we stay at a motel. We visited our daughter in Oregon in their first, one-bedroom apartment (again a plane ride--3000 miles), and in this case I DID ask if she wanted us to stay at a motel. She said OF COURSE NOT! and they gave us the bedroom. She and her husband took turns sleeping on the living room sofa (he was working nights at the time). Our sons are closer and we see one and his sweet wife almost every week, the other and his wonderful wife once or twice a month (both less than an hour away)--so we're still working things out. It seems odd to me that anyone would think grandparents should have to wait for a specific invitation--it's FAMILY.

Oh, I forgot to say that I'm of the "grandmother age" (and that one of my sons has a son, so I AM a grandma), and when my husband and I drive on long or short trips, I drive at least half the time. What was that remark about grandmas not driving? Are you thinking of 85-year-old grandmas perhaps?

About motels vs. home visits. I've never completely understood why it's obligatory for guests to stay in a home lacking guest space or obligatory for hosts/hostesses to be horrified and hurt if someone stays at a motel. I'm clearly in the minority here, as is my mother. If there is no guest room/den, or whatever, we much prefer to stay in motels than on people's couches in the middle of their traffic patterns or displacing people's children from their own rooms. For her, it's also become a matter of health in that she now gets dangerously fatigued if she can't have a nap and uninterrupted sleep at night -- something just not possible in houses where people are on the go-go-go all day and no private space for guests. <BR> <BR>I now have a house with plenty of space and I'm happy to have people stay here; but early in our marriage, we had a tiny 2 bedroom cottage and my in-laws wouldn't hear of us offering them room at a local motel -- no, all 12! of them piled into every corner of the house, and we all had to observe the hours of the last to bed and the first up -- and do I have to tell you what happened with only 1 1/2 bathrooms? They thought it was so much fun, but I was exhausted and strung out to the point of real resentment. <BR> <BR>It just confirmed my belief that hospitality should be a two-way street -- both hosts and guests should be mindful of the _true_ comfort of the other, not just what it says in some etiquette book about what's supposed to happen. Motels are there for a reason -- and you can still share all meals, go on all activities together -- the motel room is just an extra room.

I agree with Penny--- it's usually much easier for everyone if guests stay in a motel. I've found that my guests and I start to get annoyed with each other a lot faster if we're on top of each other 24 hours a day. Guests staying in a motel gives you time apart to unwind and have time to yourself, so you'll be happy to see each other in the morning.

Penny, I'm with you! What's so wrong about wanting a little privacy at night or in the bathroom?! A little space goes a long way to promoting peaceful relationships. And actually, I am extremely close to all my inlaws, and have excellent relationships with friends and family. BUT - let's make arrangements where everybody can sleep well, and everybody has a chance to take a break from having concern over a guests/hosts wellbeing.

Topping for Jessica!

If you are concerned that you are wearing out your welcome have you ever considered staying in a condo during your visits. Then you can see your grandchild as much as you like but you won't have to feel like you are imposing on your kids. Better yet buy a condo if you can, then you can visit whenever you want.

MY MIL lives an hour and a half away. My mother in law in the same town.
Both are welcome anytime they please. IF they want to stay a month, I will just deal with it. Does it get hard to have guests? SUre. Would it be harder not to have them in my life or the joy they bring the grandkids and the fresh perspective? SHucks. I am lucky they WANT to be involved with their grandkids, I am not gonna treat them like 2nd cousins twice removed and tell them to get a hotel. Life is too short not to have as many people that love you in your life.

Woops skipped a few posts there.
I have to add that my MIL and mother are welcome anytime because they support me in how I raise my kids and do not get into &quot;mini&quot; brawls with me.
That isn't even remotely appropriate. I don't even need to list the reasons why, but it may have something to do with why your son and DIL moved 16 hours away??

I understand both sides and have a similar sitution. we waited until we were in 30s to have babies. I used a midwife with both and both sets of parents live 5 hours away. We have a garage apt so before we had kids they pretty much did what they wanted. We had to change after kids. When you are trying to nurse exclusively and everyone is constantly giving you opinions about things it isn't fun. I have one set of grandparents that wants to visit and have you wait on them but they want to walk off with your baby which excuse me when you dont listen to me and run over me, I am not trusting you with my most precious little ones. The others will take over if you let them and they will do everything their way and if you say anything there are tears shed and you feel guilty. Neither set I let around my babies alone. I have never had a baby sitter either. I do things myself and don't ask for help. Well anyway like I said they both run over me. One set just left and stayed a week. They come about every two to three weeks and stay no less than four days. I ask when will you be leaving and they reply, &quot;when we are done visiting.&quot; When will you be done visiting?&quot; &quot;When we are done&quot; they say. They invite us to go on trips all of the time and we say no. They want us to come and visit but we learned to say no. Both grandparents live in the same town and fight over time. I hate it. I know I am going on and on but one set came right after we had our first baby and they say nothing about lunch and had been hanging out all morning eating the cookies that I made right before giving birth. I mention to my husband at 2 pm i am hungry just order pizza for everyone he doesnt want to. They leave a little after and go get food forthemselves and come back. They had brought other releatives too without asking us first. Grandmother came back a little later by herself and wanted me to carry her luggage for her said she couldnt do it. i was holding the baby and still bleeding. I carried her luggage anyway and she said I will hold the baby while you do it. I said I got it thanks. If she cant carry luggage up stairs I dont want her to drop my baby. This set of grandparents do things like use towels and throw them on the floor like they are at a hotel. They leave the shower running with the shower door open and you have to clean up big puddles of water. They clean bugs off their car windows and pile the dirty buggy towels on our kitchen counter. They invite sister n law to zoo etc with us without her husband and she talks about taking ballet when she has a baby so she won't get fat (says as she walks behind me) I don't trust sister n law she is very flirty and is always tring to be alone with my husband. Grandmother loves her to death and talks about her all the time. We told her we were pregnant and all in one breath congratulations ---- wants to have babies too blah blah blah. We just have a big mess and I wish we could move away further and not leave a return address!!

sorry i got so long winded didnt say anything about the other side and i have baby in my lap too-get distracted. If grandparents could come and visit without telling me what to do and without saying they will leave and come as they please, it is a good thing. I find it refreshing that the grandmother does come and doesn't make her children drag the baby on a plane. She is being very kind about that. It is probalby easier for one to travel than the three. I also understand the big drive and it is a lot of money to keep coming for short visits and more economical to stay for at least a week when you are paying for a ticket. My situation is different or you wouldnt be asking you would be just doing what you wanted. We have invited grandparents for things and they are no shows at the last minute and they dont wait for invites but come whenever they want. Sometimes they even email and say we are coming today or they call my husband at work and say we are coming today. We are both pushovers and have let it go on too long. At least one set quit staying in the garage because my husband said he felt it was too much for me to do. As long as you are being kind and listening and talking to the parents and child and not doing what you want only, i think there is hope!

Glad you got that off your chest but tell me, how do you even FIND five year old threads and why dredge them up again??