Hostess Rudeness?
 

I'd like to get some feedback on a conversation I had recently with a long-time friend.

"Mary" has been divorced for a number of years and retired last year. She has done very well, financially speaking, and was able to buy her dream house near Hilton Head, SC. She has many friends and acquaintances and enjoys having company, which is fairly frequently given her location.

She was telling me that back in the fall, she was visited by a couple she and her ex-husband had been friends with for a number of years. Both had remained on friendly terms after the divorce, which has been long enough in the past not to be an issue. Mary made them feel at home in her guest suite and cooked frequently. Her guests did offer to help clean up, but it ended up them just keeping her company while she loaded the dishwasher, etc. She also acted as tour guide.

On the third or fourth night of their visit, they wanted to go to a restaurant which had been recommended to them. Mary was very tired from her hostess duties and encouraged them to go without her, that she would enjoy a night on her own. They left reluctantly (they had their own car) with specific directions to the restaurant. Mary gave them a house key and urged them to come home when they pleased.

Mary went to bed around 9:00 p.m., leaving lights on for her friends and a note telling them she would see them in the morning, and to make themselves at home with snacks in the kitchen and the tv/dvd. When she greeted them the next morning as she prepared their breakfast, she felt a definite chill and the woman told her later in the day that they felt very blown off by Mary the night before and coming home to a silent house.

So, do you think Mary was rude or not?

No, not at all. She sounds very gracious - and tired. Her guests sound very self-centered. Please tell us they brought (or left) a VERY nice hostess gift for her.

NO Way!! When we visit my mother in law, she loves to cook and take care of everyone, but enjoys a little alone time on an afternoon to maybe take a nap or watch television.
I think Mary is nice to cook and have house guests for several days in the first place! My mother always says that after three days, fish stinks and so does company!!(unless it is me of course..LOL..)

No, it doesn't sound like she was rude at all. The guests need to realize that the hostess has a life too, outside of entertaining guests. But I'm only hearing one side of the story.

Actually, and I'm sorry I omitted this, the woman told her that they had wanted to pay for Mary's meal as a way of thanking her for the visit, and this was another reason for them being so put out.

"third or fourth night" -- well, was the fourth night the last night? If so, maybe they wanted to "treat" Mary to an evening out but went about it the wrong way.

Lois, that makes a difference.

Well, they could still "treat" Mary to that meal by sending her a gift certificate for the restaurant.

Please tell Mary if she wants to entertain a very appreciative guest (i.e. provide a free vacation) I will most happily accept the offer :-)

Seriously, she sounds like a dear. I hope she is not wasting her energy worrying about this.

I don't think she is losing sleep about it. She just told me about it recently and it all happened last fall. She hasn't heard from these folks recently, though, even a Christmas card. Mary is very tender-hearted, but she hasn't gotten where she is by being a wimp. Couldn't the other couple have just told her that they wanted to thank her with an evening out earlier in the visit or even that night? I think getting her a gift certificate for the restaurant is a great suggestion and I wish they had thought of it.

They stayed the remainder of that day and the night and then left, as planned, the next morning. Mary said that they parted warmly, but she was still a little bothered by their comments and now wonders if she has to be "on" for an entire visit.

No, she doesn't have to be "on" the entire visit. But the power of reciprocity is strong -- people feel the need to repay the kindness of others.

It would have been better for the couple to state from the start that they would like to take Mary out and if at all possible, let the hostess determine which evening would be best.

I think Mary should look upon their desire to want to spend time with her as a compliment. But open communication all-around would certainly be better.

I agree that Mary seemed like a most gracious hostess. If the guests wanted to treat Mary to dinner that last night, maybe they should have said that to Mary.

I know that when we have guests, and I cook, play tour guide, etc., I always look forward to some moments alone to regenerate. Mary did no wrong.

I don't think she was rude at all! But maybe the couple didn't have experience in being houseguests or having houseguests. After many years of hostessing and being hosted, My friends & I are pretty good about giving each other space and making independent plans. When I stay with someone, for instance, I give them my intended itinerary up front and then ask if they can join me for dinner on any of say, three nights. I make it a point to say which night is my "thank you" dinner, although I buy them dinner as much as possible anyway in addition to a hosting gift. That way, they can feel free to have their own lives while I'm visiting, without feeling that I want them to be at my side 24/7. Usually my friends will tell me what they're doing during that time, and sometimes incorporate me into helping them run errands!

A good guest should always try to make the imposition as painless as possible so that they are welcome to stay again!

No, Mary was not rude in the least. If the friends wanted to treat her to dinner, they should have mentioned that at the start of their visit.

If they couldn't be bothered to communicate with her after this visit, perhaps they were never such good friends....?

I'm sorry, but communication is a two-way street. BOTH Mary and the houseguests could have communicated better.

Yes, I suppose both of them could have communicated better. But IMHO, if the guests wanted to treat her to a meal, they should have at least told her in advance!

I really do appreciate the feedback and I will pass these comments on to Mary.

What she said at the end of our conversation was that now that she knows how they reacted, she will adjust future visits accordingly. She acknowledged that there are high maintenance guests and low maintenance guests and she was now glad to know which they were. She enjoys their company, however, and they will be invited back, and she was genuinely chagrined to think they felt neglected.

Mary is a doll -- that's why she has such a wide circle of friends -- and she is someone who is comfortable with her life. She enjoys having company and admitted to me that that is one of the reasons the area where she relocated was desirable to her. She knows that people will want to come visit and she has made accommodations for that.

I'm not a Hilton Head kind of girl, but I do wish I had more time to spend with her. She makes me look forward to retirement.

Being able to live how you please -- doesn't that sound lovely????????

It sure does! And seeing how Mary enjoys entertaining her friends so very much, it is all the more reason for her to openly communicate her feelings with those who are lucky enough to spend time with her. :)

If these people are concerned about reciprocity, I would think they would not be so quick to treat Mary with any sort of chill, considering the warm treatment they got for days at Marys house, from Mary.
I would always give my friend the benefit of the doubt or even be honest and say something, but it is childish to treat her badly because they are in a snit because she would not go out with them.
If it were my husband and I ( which it will not be, we don't do houseguesting :) ) We would have taken Mary out, if she was too tired, we would have gotten her a present.
They are totally being selfish and childish.
...so there LOL

Sounds like a perfect hostess to me.
We do that all the time here in SMdA to give our houseguests some space.
M

LOL.

THEY felt blown off - who do they think they are the king and queen of the world. They take advantage of this woman's hospitality - don't lift a hand to help - are so inconsiderate they don;t plan a dinner on a night agreeable to her - and they're aggravated.

I've never heard of people so self-centered. They should have made a point of taking her out to dinner at least twice- at HER convenience - and helped around the house - as well brought some nice wine and flowers - at a minimum.

What inconsiderate boobs.

House guests are a pain. I am tired of having house guests.

If the circumstances occurred exactly as your friend describes, then her guests were high maintenance boobs.

She apparently values their company enough that she's willing to overlook their boobness and invite them back again.

obxgirl,<i> &quot;boobness&quot;</i> LOL

I love the customs of other countries when it comes to house guests. Much more fun than ours :)

Agreed, alya. Cheers to all.

of course the guests should have graciously let it go and not made a fuss.

however, i'm sure they were somewhat hurt by a &quot;gift&quot; rebuffed. there were countless times where a houseguest offers to take me out to a place (with much excitement and enthusiasm for the place). often they have read about the restaurant from afar and are excited to &quot;treat&quot; me to it. but the truth is that i may have been eating out every night for the last several nights whilst away on business and the restaurant may have received much press in foreign travel magazines or guides but in reality it is not held in very high esteem by londoners (not that it is bad...but just wouldn't be my first choice). of course i go anyway and enjoy myself because the guest chose this &quot;gift&quot; for me and it is rude to rebuff it.

likewise, i was visiting friends in the US recently and they were very excited about a review they just read for an indian restaurant. Knowing my fondness for an indian curry and remembering how i took them out for a curry or two when they were visiting me in london, they were very excited to take me there. This was not in a major city and needless to say, a ho-hum curry in the burbs is not very exciting to me. Of course, I went and enjoyed myself ...it was thoughtful of them to think of this &quot;gift&quot; for me.

i think both sides could have behaved with more grace.

Unless the &quot;friends&quot; who were so happy to accept the hostess' hospitality made it quite CLEAR that the reason they wanted to go to the particular restaurant was to thank the hostess then there certainly wasn't any rudeness..in fact there couldn't have been any rudeness.

there is nothing &quot;rude&quot; about not wanting to go somewhere nor is there necessarily anything rude about declining a gift.

When you accept someone's hospitality you accept it and them without qualifications..otherwise don't accept in the first place.

&quot; i'm sure they were somewhat hurt by a &quot;gift&quot; rebuffed.&quot;

But the hostest didnt know it was supposed to be a gift, until after the fact!

I didn't read all the responses but this is my take.

Mary sounds like she is fairly new to the resort area of Hilton Head. What happens is all your freinds from your hometown decide to come visit you on their vacation time and expect you to also vacation with them.

It may be their vacation but you still have to get up and go to work (or maybe in Mary's case her normal routine).

It is exhausting playing tour guide.

Also living in a resort town, I long since took the Holiday Inn sign off my home and when friends call to tell me they are coming for a visit the first thing out of my mouth is, &quot;Great! Let me know where you are staying so we can make plans to get together!&quot;.

Except for my parents and my husband's parents, we make it a point not to stay in anyone's home.

I know it sounds a little harsh but I don't have the time and energy to dick around with sheets, towels, entertaining, and throwing off my schedule because it exhausts me.

We could probably have company 365 days a year but we had to put our foot down.

Anyway, I suggest Mary start to limit her guests. If you don't the next thing you know you are running a bed and breakfast.

I'm sure those of you living in resort areas can empathize.

GoTravel
I so agree with you. We owned a boat for 8 seasons and lived on her every weekend. The first year we extended welcomes to friends and family for weekend visits. We soon learned it is a lot of work and you're no longer enjoying your boat so much. We were always washing sheets and towels. Shopping for food and the bar bill went thru the roof so we also took down our B&amp;B sign. You start with good intentions because you want to share and have fun with your friends but the work load is really heavy.

First off, like just about everyone else I don't think Mary, the long suffering hostess, was rude in anyway. Her guests should have made it clear they wanted to treat her to a thank-you dinner and they had no reason to feel offended when Nancy didn't go out with them. After all she's not a mind reader.

Long ago, and well before we built our beach house, we learned from listening to others that relatives and friends come out of the woodwork if you have a home in a vacation or resort area. Like GoTravel pointed out, everyone assumes you'll welcome them with open arms and that they can stay at your place and their only out of pocket expense will be a &quot;thank-you&quot; dinner. We always follow the same approach as GoTravel whenever someone calls to tell us they are thinking of coming to our area regardless if they are relatives or friends. We tell them we be happy to meet them at their hotel for lunch or dinner one time during their stay. You'd be surprised at how many of those people never actually make the trip. The only people who stay in our house are guests we specifically invite (our adult children and a very few select friends).

As for when we visit others, we very rarely stay at anyone's home but rather choose to stay at a nearby hotel. It's much easier on the host/hostess and besides we don't feel obligated to spend every waking hour with them. On those rare occasions when we do stay at someone's house we do it only for a couple of days, we always pick-up after ourselves, help with household chores, buy some groceries and make it clear that we want to treat our host/hostest to a couple of meals.

The best way to ruin a friendship is to overstay your welcome.

Exactly Sunnyboy and cd! I don't know why we would feel obligated to pick up the check but we did anyway.

So true that when you ask people where they are staying, most don't come visit.