Grieving Widow wants escape from Christmas
Oct 15th, 2015, 08:04 AM
#1
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Grieving Widow wants escape from Christmas
My mother lost her husband on New Year's Day. The last meal he ate was when she cooked for him on Christmas Eve. He slowly slipped away after that, and died st 12:03 AM New Years Day.
What a horrible time of year to go,
My mother can not think about Christmas, she's so sad and can't imagine being home - he died in the dining room where his bed was set up - he died peacefully but he was not ready to go. He kept thinking he was going to pull out of it.
They were married 62 years and were very much in love.
He was her world.
Now she's all alone except for my father's cat who is 21 years old and is dying,
She's going to get hit hard when the cat goes.
My question is, she is so dreading the week between Christmas and New Years, the time when my father ate his last meal then slipped quietly into a deep sleep and died on New Year's Day.
She tended to him constantly, never left his side.
She doesn't want to be anywhere where it's Christmas she said and she can't stand the thought of being home alone during that time.
Too sad.
She said all she can think of is to check into a hotel, but she said it'd still be Christmas - everywhere you go is Christmas. Every hotel would be Christmas-y.
She's doing really well except she is dreading that week.
She doesn't want to go to anyone's houses either - Christmas,
Where can she go that's not Christmas in the us?
What a horrible time of year to go,
My mother can not think about Christmas, she's so sad and can't imagine being home - he died in the dining room where his bed was set up - he died peacefully but he was not ready to go. He kept thinking he was going to pull out of it.
They were married 62 years and were very much in love.
He was her world.
Now she's all alone except for my father's cat who is 21 years old and is dying,
She's going to get hit hard when the cat goes.
My question is, she is so dreading the week between Christmas and New Years, the time when my father ate his last meal then slipped quietly into a deep sleep and died on New Year's Day.
She tended to him constantly, never left his side.
She doesn't want to be anywhere where it's Christmas she said and she can't stand the thought of being home alone during that time.
Too sad.
She said all she can think of is to check into a hotel, but she said it'd still be Christmas - everywhere you go is Christmas. Every hotel would be Christmas-y.
She's doing really well except she is dreading that week.
She doesn't want to go to anyone's houses either - Christmas,
Where can she go that's not Christmas in the us?
Oct 15th, 2015, 08:19 AM
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I posted a response to your same question in the lounge. But the more I think about the more I realize your posting is very self-centered. Maybe the title should read, "When can I sent my mother so she will not bother me over the holidays?" You paint such a loving, caring picture of your parents. Did not any of that rub off on you? This is the time for the family to gather around, support her, show her a period of celebration for a life well lived, and a bright future with grandchildren and family. Give her purpose to live. You have that obligation, do it!!!
Oct 15th, 2015, 08:42 AM
#4
But the more I think about the more I realize your posting is very self-centered. Maybe the title should read, "When can I sent my mother so she will not bother me over the holidays?" You paint such a loving, caring picture of your parents. Did not any of that rub off on you?>>
that's rather harsh, fmpden. tea drinker says that "She doesn't want to go to anyone's houses either " which I took to mean that she has refused invitations to visit family, including the OP, who has, after all , also lost her father and has a mother who is suffering from the deepest grief.
it would be lovely if her mother felt like joining in with the family, but it may be beyond her this year.
that's rather harsh, fmpden. tea drinker says that "She doesn't want to go to anyone's houses either " which I took to mean that she has refused invitations to visit family, including the OP, who has, after all , also lost her father and has a mother who is suffering from the deepest grief.
it would be lovely if her mother felt like joining in with the family, but it may be beyond her this year.
Oct 15th, 2015, 09:11 AM
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Pull the shades, cover the mirrors, have chinese food delivered and watch Fiddler on the Roof and Yentl? Send her to a soup kitchen? Get her to go into grief counseling? She clearly doesn't want to grieve with her family and seems to be spreading a lot of guilt. Good luck
Oct 15th, 2015, 09:17 AM
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It seems to me that you mother is very depressed and one of the things that depression does is to make everything seem impossible. People that are depressed often turn down multiple viable options since they just can't see any way forward.
I agree that being with her family will be much better for her than any other option. Of course she will be sad - but at least she won't be alone, lonely, sad and have nothing to do. I would insist and make arrangements for her to be with family members, with perhaps a slightly quieter Christmas - but with extra attention from family , esp young people if possible, to help her realize that she is NOT alone and has all of this support - with perhaps happy memories with your father to help her get through this.
To let her trek alone to some random hotel and be totally alone would IMHO be very cruel.
I agree that being with her family will be much better for her than any other option. Of course she will be sad - but at least she won't be alone, lonely, sad and have nothing to do. I would insist and make arrangements for her to be with family members, with perhaps a slightly quieter Christmas - but with extra attention from family , esp young people if possible, to help her realize that she is NOT alone and has all of this support - with perhaps happy memories with your father to help her get through this.
To let her trek alone to some random hotel and be totally alone would IMHO be very cruel.
Oct 15th, 2015, 09:37 AM
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2 options:
Have the family spend the holidays at her place (she didn't rule that out).
Find a little cabin or cottage on the beach (in a warm state) with a kitchen, have her stock up on enough food for a week. Hunker down and don't leave.
If she is determined to avoid Christmas and everything that goes with it, she will have to shut herself away from the world. Otherwise there is seriously no way to avoid the random "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays" greeting from strangers, the songs on the radio, the various TV shows, store displays, and on and on.
I would think if someone found a little place on the beach - that atmosphere is sufficiently non-Christmasy to suffice, and if her situation is communicated to the owner or staff then they could avoid her (or avoid any mention of Christmas).
Short of that situation, she will have to face the fact that it's Christmas and all the associated memories, both good and bad. She's going to be reminded of it anyway simply because of the dates, but perhaps by being totally isolated she will realize that she would rather be sad and around people than sad and alone.
Have the family spend the holidays at her place (she didn't rule that out).
Find a little cabin or cottage on the beach (in a warm state) with a kitchen, have her stock up on enough food for a week. Hunker down and don't leave.
If she is determined to avoid Christmas and everything that goes with it, she will have to shut herself away from the world. Otherwise there is seriously no way to avoid the random "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays" greeting from strangers, the songs on the radio, the various TV shows, store displays, and on and on.
I would think if someone found a little place on the beach - that atmosphere is sufficiently non-Christmasy to suffice, and if her situation is communicated to the owner or staff then they could avoid her (or avoid any mention of Christmas).
Short of that situation, she will have to face the fact that it's Christmas and all the associated memories, both good and bad. She's going to be reminded of it anyway simply because of the dates, but perhaps by being totally isolated she will realize that she would rather be sad and around people than sad and alone.
Oct 15th, 2015, 10:09 AM
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She can't be alone, she can't be with you, she can't be anywhere there's Christmas but it has to be in the US.
I don't mean to be harsh, but there is no solution. And does she really want to leave the dying cat, alone in the house or in a kennel??
I would suggest having her and the cat come to you, with the understanding that she can do as she pleases--join other people, be alone, whatever; or you go to her, with the same understanding.
Grief must be lived through. Sadly, there is nowhere to go where it isn't felt.
I don't mean to be harsh, but there is no solution. And does she really want to leave the dying cat, alone in the house or in a kennel??
I would suggest having her and the cat come to you, with the understanding that she can do as she pleases--join other people, be alone, whatever; or you go to her, with the same understanding.
Grief must be lived through. Sadly, there is nowhere to go where it isn't felt.
Oct 15th, 2015, 10:10 AM
#10
If she air-travels at Christmas time she'll get it out of her system and never want to do it again.
P.S. Ask her what she thinks her late husband would want her to do over the holidays if he could tell her.
P.S. Ask her what she thinks her late husband would want her to do over the holidays if he could tell her.
Oct 15th, 2015, 10:32 AM
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I have a cousin who lost a beloved sibling way too early. Three months later, at Christmastime, the immediate family announced that no one would be alone and then they planned a trip to a small Rocky Mountain lodge to be quiet and remember together. I would advise some counseling (having lost my father while in my 30's) and some good old TLC. Please don't let your mom grieve alone. Even if you are in the next room, she will take some comfort that she has not been abandoned. I'll never forget my dad, my cousin won't forget her brother and your Mom will never forget her beloved. It may get easier, though, by working through it.
Oct 15th, 2015, 11:35 AM
#15
I think the tricky thing about this situation is figuring out if she sincerely wants to take a trip and be alone over the holidays with no traditional celebration. If that is sincerely her wish and heartfelt feelings about it, I think her wishes should be honored.
Flip side, if she's just saying this because she thinks her children don't want her around, or she doesn't want to "be a burden" or whatever. Then that's different.
Flip side, if she's just saying this because she thinks her children don't want her around, or she doesn't want to "be a burden" or whatever. Then that's different.
Oct 15th, 2015, 11:36 AM
#16
She could go on a cruise - there would be lots of Christmas festivities but she could partake or not. And do just the things/shore excursions that appealed and ignore the rest.
But as harsh at it sounds I do sort of agree w/ fmoden. Can't she be included w/ other family plans where she can join in or not?
But as harsh at it sounds I do sort of agree w/ fmoden. Can't she be included w/ other family plans where she can join in or not?
Oct 15th, 2015, 12:32 PM
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Well, I just read the thread in the Lounge, which I realize is a closed forum, so maybe this is inappropriate to write here, but that thread contains a lot of additional information: the poor woman is well over 80, she has "a bad knee" (as who doesn't at that age?) and is described as "exhausted all the time", and also "a homebody".
Does that sound like someone who is going to up and go to Hawaii, or anywhere, really, all by herself?
Sorry, but this is a bad idea. When she says she wants to hole up in a hotel alone over the holidays, that's her grief and depression talking. IMO it would be cruel to leave her isolated at the toughest time of the year. Seeking to send her somewhere is lunacy.
Does that sound like someone who is going to up and go to Hawaii, or anywhere, really, all by herself?
Sorry, but this is a bad idea. When she says she wants to hole up in a hotel alone over the holidays, that's her grief and depression talking. IMO it would be cruel to leave her isolated at the toughest time of the year. Seeking to send her somewhere is lunacy.
Oct 15th, 2015, 12:37 PM
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Maybe, maybe not, but...
On December 25 in Japan, someone asked me "Isn't tomorrow Christmas?"
As a non-Christian with no tradition for the day other than perhaps 'Chinese food and the movie theater', that felt very liberating, to be out of the overwhelming oppressiveness of someone else's meaningless (to me) holiday. Never duplicated that feeling even in Israel.
Kyoto for Christmas, Mom?
On December 25 in Japan, someone asked me "Isn't tomorrow Christmas?"
As a non-Christian with no tradition for the day other than perhaps 'Chinese food and the movie theater', that felt very liberating, to be out of the overwhelming oppressiveness of someone else's meaningless (to me) holiday. Never duplicated that feeling even in Israel.
Kyoto for Christmas, Mom?
Oct 15th, 2015, 12:54 PM
#20
We only know what her daughter has written on her threads. It is 100% her interpretation of the situation. We really don't know how the mother feels, or what her true wishes are.
IF she wants to take a trip by herself, and not be with one of her five kids (who btw have not even invited her to spend the holidays with them!!!)... so be it.
IF she wants to take a trip by herself, and not be with one of her five kids (who btw have not even invited her to spend the holidays with them!!!)... so be it.
