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Fellow Floridians: want a good laugh in the face of the oncoming dread of Frances?

Fellow Floridians: want a good laugh in the face of the oncoming dread of Frances?

Sep 2nd, 2004, 01:08 PM
  #1  
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Fellow Floridians: want a good laugh in the face of the oncoming dread of Frances?

I usually don't do these things, but I got a really funny email called "Hurricane Preparation for Floridians". If you can stand a good laugh right now, email me and I'll send it to you.
[email protected]
Patrick is offline  
Sep 2nd, 2004, 01:52 PM
  #2  
 
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Could you just copy, paste, and post here? Good luck to all in Florida having to deal with another hurricane. I'll take a snow storm any day!
sherryb is offline  
Sep 2nd, 2004, 02:35 PM
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Yes, please, I need a good laugh. Even a bad laugh will do
Scarlett is offline  
Sep 2nd, 2004, 02:46 PM
  #4  
dln
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Same here, Patrick. I'll send it to my parents in Naples! My aunt and uncle who live in Cocoa Beach have already been evacuated, so my parents will have a family company for several days. And I do think that my mother will be in need of a laugh after living with her brother for the duration...
 
Sep 2nd, 2004, 02:49 PM
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I'd like to see it.

Thanks!
indytravel is offline  
Sep 2nd, 2004, 02:53 PM
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Thank you Patrick, we are still laughing!
Scarlett is offline  
Sep 2nd, 2004, 02:53 PM
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Well, I'm not sure where this came from. Someone just asked if it was from Dave Barry, and I must admit it does sound like his stuff. Don't want to break any of the Fodors rules here, but will try to copy and paste.



Hurricane Preparation for Floridians


After this past week we all should be aware of hurricane preparations, but in case you need a refresher course:

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points.

(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our insurance industry experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

Homeowner's Insurance:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Wisconsin

Unfortunately, if your home is located in! Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.

Shutters:

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows and all the doors. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that they will probably blow away since you don't know what you are doing.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

Hurricane Proofing your property:

As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built (immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

Evacuation Route:

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area).

The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

Hurricane Supplies:

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

At least 23 flashlights and at least $167 worth of batteries that will turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)

A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)

$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise!




Patrick is offline  
Sep 2nd, 2004, 03:24 PM
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Thanks for the humour, nice after what has been a stressful day here (even on the West FL coast).
tully is offline  
Sep 2nd, 2004, 03:31 PM
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Humor is a great stress-buster! Thanks Patrick!
tpatricco is offline  
Sep 2nd, 2004, 03:44 PM
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Thanks from me, too.

I know what the bleach is for !! If you run out of or couldn't find bottled water- you have to use tap water - which might not be pure enough (as the water dept. won't have power).

Now, you need the bleach - 7 DROPS (not cups or even ounces) of bleach will disinfect 1 gallon of water (shake well).

Thanks for the humor and a special hug to our friends and neighbors in the Bahamas !

We are ready here in West Palm Beach - hope the roof holds-and-all the forcast traks are wrong !
maryann is offline  
Sep 2nd, 2004, 03:51 PM
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Thanks for the laugh, Patrick. Most of these apply to the Caribbean islands, as well, except we can't get stuck in all that evacuation traffic. Hmmmm. Maybe that's a good thing?
Statia is offline  
Sep 2nd, 2004, 03:57 PM
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Patrick, thank you, thank you! Some of the advices can be applied to San Francisco, after all, you never know when the next quake strikes.
FainaAgain is offline  
Sep 2nd, 2004, 04:17 PM
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Thanks for the chuckle, Patrick. Here in New Jersey we just get the leftovers from some of your storms and they can still be impressive blows by the time they hit us. I cannot fathom what its like to be hit head on. We up North send our best to our neighbors in the South...as always thinking of you.
jersey is offline  
Sep 2nd, 2004, 07:30 PM
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=D>
hibiscushouse is offline  
Sep 3rd, 2004, 08:27 AM
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GReat Patrick! You made me actually laugh! It sounds very much like Dave Barry to me . There is so much truth in his humor! I love the low lying area line...so true. Good luck to you good people in Naples from your neighbor to the North.
Judyrem is offline  
Sep 3rd, 2004, 09:08 AM
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Very Funny. Watching this storm on the news made me realize that there is something good about the weather in the Midwest!
swalter518 is offline  
Sep 3rd, 2004, 10:50 AM
  #17  
jor
 
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That was funny. I like the part about moving to Nebraska until Halloween. Would that classify as a summer vacation?
jor is offline  
Sep 3rd, 2004, 12:05 PM
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After you sent me this, Patrick, I checked the Miami Herald's website, and sure enough, it's a Dave Barry column.

Lee Ann
ElendilPickle is offline  
Sep 3rd, 2004, 12:11 PM
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I hope someone 'gets' this:

"And that makes cable better than puppies..........................better!"
hibiscushouse is offline  
Sep 3rd, 2004, 12:24 PM
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I GET IT!! I GET IT!!

What a strange commercial! At least we didn't have to see the guy naked!
tpatricco is offline  

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