Well then, special circumstances! If the givers mean kindly, accept the gifts as a one time deal. And be there for the partner if he faces something similar in the future....

Sorry about your recent loss:(

I know it would not change the partnership. Mr.GoTravel is most definitely the textbook Alpha Male.

I don't feel comfortable. I'm going to refuse and see if I can't book using FF miles.

As for myself I'm to proud to accept charity. If you take the money you will be in his debt forever. What happens in a year if he asks for a favor and you can't deliver. You know in your heart of hearts that you don't want the money. Don't sell youself.

It sounds like your husband's partner maybe doesn't realize you "could" afford the trip but are choosing not to. Perhaps he really is just motivated by a sincere desire to help Mr. GoT out by getting him out of town for the holidays.

What's your monetary limit on gifts from the partner? This might be a good time for you to talk with the partner (behind Mr. GoT's back) and figure out a way to make this happen. Maybe the partner could buy airfare for your husband, instead of both of you? I think it's perfectly OK to accept this gift, given the circumstances surrounding it.

I don't know that I'd describe this as an ethical dilemma as to me it doesn't imply you're doing somthing morally wrong by choosing one path over the other. (Unless you're thinking of accepting the tickets and that violates some rule of their partnership agreement or employer. That would be a question of right and wrong.)

If that isn't the case, then you aren't doing something unethical or morally wrong by accepting a gift when offered. So, assuming this doesn't violate the rules, it really is a question of you and your husband's comfort level with accepting what could be viewed as an expensive gift.

If the gift is being given in the true spirit of friendship, you've done nothing morally wrong by accepting. I think what you need to decide is if it is a gift that is far too generous to accept. You know the other gentleman so I'm sure you know his character and his intention by offering it, something no one here can ascertain.

Given the relationship he and your husband have, is this an offer out of character? If so, then perhaps consider what motivated him to make the offer.

My best wishes to you GoT in making this decision. I can certainly understand the need to get away -- I hope it works out, truly I do.

Hey, Ryan, long time! Hope you are well.

I was thinking the same thing as the Weasal. What about letting the partner pay for the one ticket for Mr.GoT? This way he sends him out of Dodge for the holidays, a great gift. And you buy the one ticket? Good luck. Not an easy decision.

Gad, this is how it often seems to go
An offer of fabulous digs in a fabulous place and all gratis. Of course the fabulous house and locale are offered during high season and getting there becomes quite the raid on the cookie jar.

You said you felt uncomfortable accepting the partners offer and I think that answers your question. I certainly wouldn't give up on the idea yet. Spirit may have one of their fabulous deals, so get on their list, and Travelocity's Fare Watcher and of course all your pals here will be prowling air fare prices.

Chin up ! I'm bettin' you get there
and you and Mr GoT will have your much needed lovely holiday.
:)

R5

Ah, I see by the time I've written my reply other people had the same idea.

Would you feel uncomfortable excepting half of the gift?
I don't believe a large gift necessarily has to change a friendship. If a person is going to tithe anyway, then it doesn't matter whether it's to an organization or to a good friend. Your friends sound like people with generous hearts who want to ease the pain of your loss. Since they have the means to do this it may feel really good to them to do this for you.

I am sorry for the loss in your family.

Personally, I would not accept the money - but you must be wonderful people - I'm sure you are! - to have people offering to give you such lovely gifts. If you can afford to go - just go and have a great time in Tortola. It will be a fabulous and relaxing vacation.
I can't believe the fare is SO HIGH! Wow!

You will feel strange in front of your husband's partner if you ever spend on anything extravagant after accepting the tickets from him, you know? It's always there.

Good luck! Isn't it nice to have Fodorites to go to?

Yes it is wonderful to have Fodorites to ask and for that I am thankful.

The gesture of the airfare is a generous gift and for the offer I am thankful.

I think y'all may have hit the nail on the head with the compromise.

Hi GoT, having spent an incredible 10 day honeymoon on Tortola, I say do anything you can to get there. We flew Atlanta to STT and took the ferry. Yes, it's going to be high, but you can still track those prices for a few months and I bet they will improve a bit. There are some really fun things to do there- such as ferries to Jost Van Dyke and Virgin Gorda, that don't cost a fortune. There are some great local restaurants with incredible food that are way cheaper than resorts. So, really, that isn't that much to pay. If this is way out of your budget, could your husband get a no interest loan from the company and arrange a specific pay arrangement? I don't ever suggest taking a second mortgage, etc, but this is one of the best places in the Caribbean and you really need to make this work!

Well GoT this reminds me of my husbands grandmother - we were only married a year or so and someone else in the family offered us something generous during a family gathering and my initial reaction was to say "what a thoughtful offer but no thank you" and his grandmother said to me - "Honey, they give, you take. Just remember to say thank you."

Too simple, I know.
Things to consider:
You can gracefully decline and say you've made other plans - and make other plans to get Mr GoT out of dodge and go somewhere you can afford all on your own.

OR, you can look at it that friends who care are offering you something to help out friends they love - that they can afford it and it is their pleasure to do and if you know them, and that this is their intention with no strings attached other than that good feeling they will get from "paying it forward" so to speak if you remember that movie :)

Oprah gives away stuff all the time just because it makes her feel good, so do others.

Remember that movie "it's a wonderful life?" - where would George have been without friends who cared about him and his happiness and everyone threw their money in the pot - how come everyone loves that movie but finds it so hard to be on the recieving end if someone wants to give them something they can't afford at a particular time?

You didn't ask for it, they offered - it's all relative - people offer things to friends all the time and it depends on what they can afford. Some give food, some emotional support, some trips.

I have a friend who was widowed and left in enormous debt. She could never afford to do anything nice for herself. Every year a group of us girls go away, and every year we chip in so it can happen for her and she can come with us - we can afford it, she can't - what the hell good is our money - especially if we have extra - if we can't spend it on people we love? None of us expects anything in return - we love her, love her friendship, and our 'reward' , not that we are looking for one, is seeing her so happy and relaxed and excited to be away from her daily grind and raising two girls on a shoestring.

But you have to do what is comfortable in your heart of hearts, and only you really know the friends offering this and with what intention it is offered and whether or not you and they will be comfortable with it in the long run.

Whatever you decide, feel happy you have such wonderful friends, get Mr GoT his break somewhere if not there - and I too am sorry for your loss -

Hi dear GoTravel, I know of the loss your dear husband and you had, and as I told you before I was heartbroken for the two of you..for all of your family.

I have read with interest the various very thoughtful post from so many Fodorites..as usual everyone took the time to share their thinking, experiences etc.

I sure cannot find fault with anyones thoughts.

In that you say "I love my husband's partner but I am not comfortable with this gesture. Am I nuts?" probably answers the question for you. I have found in life that when I am not comfortable with something there is a reason..just as when I have once in awhile not been comfortable with a person..again there has turned out to be a reason.

The other side of the coin..is there any chance that you are like I was until recently. I never wanted anyone to do to much for me.

Well I learned my lesson on that after I lost my dear husband. Since than I have learned that people do want to give as well as receive. And not all people that give are looking for payback time down the road. They give because they care and love you.

I don't know why for decades I didn't figure out if I had so much joy in helping others why was I denying others joy in helping me.

Pride, fear, and plain stubborness can sometimes cause us to err and in doing so deprive someone who cares and loves us the chance to show it.

Of course if the person making the offer gives us negative feelings for whatever reason than decling an offer is certainly appropriate.

And only you and your dear husband can decide that. My very best wishes that you two make a good decision that will bring you joy and peace.

GoT,
We can all give you our opinions and advise, but only you know how you feel. YOu hjave stated at least twice that you feel uncomfortable taking the money. In that case, don't take it. As you know all too well, life is short. I would just bite the bullet and lay out the cash for the plane tickets and go and have the time of my life. You and Mr. GoT deserve it. Money comes and money goes. Special times with our loved ones live on forever in our hearts.

GoTravel,

I am jumping in a little late, and first I want to say I am sorry about the loss in your family.

Here's my take. I agree with all the wise folks who have already said that if you feel the least bit uneasy about it, then don't do it.

I'll go a step further about the proposed compromise (let partner pay just for your husband's ticket). If you were negotiating a deal, that might be appropriate it.

However, I don't think a gift should be negotiated. It becomes something less than a gift. Don't blur the lines--take the gift as offered or politely decline.

Bottom line, though: GO ON THIS TRIP! Money is ridiculously overrated, and I bet you and Mr. GoT can find a palatable way to fund both the airfare and the college expenses.

GoTravel,

I am jumping late as well and have read this thread with interest. I am very sorry for your loss.

Count yourself blessed to have such wonderful, generous friends who are trying to find a way to help you through your difficult time. There are people who love to give, and you happen to have two different friends who are this type. Have you told the partner you are uncomfortable accepting such an offer? Often times when someone experiences a loss, people don't know what to do to make the person "feel" better. Perhaps this is the partner's way of helping your husband through the rough patch. It is extremely generous but maybe it would give him such joy to see you go and get some R & R. The partner, no doubt, sees your DH needs a break and doesn't want the cost of airfare to be a factor.

Whether or not you decide to accept such a nice gift, please go. Don't let the price of airfare stop you. As others have said, it may come down or you will figure out a way to finance it. Sometimes in life you just have to bite the bullet and pay. It will be worth it.

After my father died unexpectedly a few years back, I planned a trip and it gave me something to look forward to during those bleak months. Good luck in your decision making, and again, I am sorry for your loss. Let us in Fodorville know what you decide.

Hey GoT, you're getting some good advice. I personally like the advice of *LoveItaly*. It's especially tough for 'givers' like yourself to allow others to give to you. But allowing others to give to you is in a sense, a gift to them. You know how awesome it feels to give a gift; it might be nice to allow his partner to feel that joy.

Either way, i hope you go and have a fabulous time. In life you can always make more money, but you can't make more time.

"I just cannot stomach the thought of spending $2400 on airfare alone."

You don't say that you can't afford the airfare, just that you can't stomach to spend the money. I'm not sure why you feel o.k. accepting the gift of the villa from one friend and not accepting the gift of airfare from another as they must be of nearly equal value -- but then I don't know your friends (aka partner - although you say you "love" your husband's partner so it must be a fairly close friendship). I agree with all others that at the end of the day, it is a very reasonably priced holiday even with you purchasing tickets. You could easily put the tickets on a credit card and pay for them over an extended time period.

It sounds as though you really DO want to accept the gift of airfare and would like for someone on this board to give you righteous justification. Either do it or don't.....the ultimate decision is yours alone.

Really what are the choices:
-a less expensive holiday that fits your budget but isn't nearly so glamorous as Tortola?
-Tortola with credit card air tickets that you pay off over time?
-bite the bullet and buy the tickets for a very reasonably priced overall holiday?
-accept the partner's gift and any strings (guilt) attached to it - although you say he is offering them as a "Christmas gift". Could this be in place of the usual Christmas bonus?

I don't mean to sound crass, but this dilemma reminds me a bit of weddings we've attended where the bride & groom want an expensive honeymoon, but can't afford it. They ask for guests to pitch in to pay the tab. I can't understand why a holiday/honeymoon that fits one's budget has become an unacceptable choice. If Mr. GoTravel needs to "get out of Dodge", must it be a villa in Tortola?

My condolences for your loss.

This is strange, but I went to sidestep today and plugged in December 20-27 from my hometown, Louisville 9SDF). The ticket prices to St Thomas (which you should do, not Tortola, take the ferry)was $717. Then I tried a couple other dates around that time and got the same thing. Maybeit's costing the extra 400 to take a tiny puddle jumper to Tortola? Something is amiss here.